Customer Reviews

Reclaiming Our Daughters: What Parenting a Pre-Teen Taught Me About Real Girls (previously published as My Girl)

5 star:		(5)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I very much liked the encouraging message of My Girl. It was great to read about a positive mother/daughter relationship, and a pre-teen going into being a teenager without all the horrible issues the media would have us believe are rampart. Sarah sounds like a very sweet girl, and Karen Stabiner a devoted and caring mother.

That said, I must admit that the book bothered me in several ways. One is an issue that I have with many parenting books and narratives. Although the author wants to think they live a life most of us can relate to, most of us do NOT have all the resources they do. If you can afford to buy a horse (even with some bargaining), pay for private school (with no mention of scholarships), go on a long vacation to Italy and so on, you have tools at your disposal that the average family does not. I know many children grow up into their teenage years happily without such things, but it sure would make it easier to not have to deal with inferior public schools, to have the luxury of time away in a foreign country, and to be able to nurture an interest like horse showmanship.

My question is always---what is the purpose of this book? If it's to tell about a specific family's story---fine. But there's really not enough here for that. It's not a story that is fascinating enough to really interest those who don't know the people involved personally. If it's to give an example for others---well, I for one very much doubt that many of us at all could do the things that Karen did for Sarah. We COULD provide that kind of love, but I can see myself with my daughter in the future having to send her to, horror of horrors, public school (as my sons attend) and us NEVER having the luxury of a long vacation in Italy, and even if she loves horses, I think our exposure to them will be limited to rides at carnivals. I think books like this are written in a way for the author's inner circle---like those other authors giving testimonials on the back cover.

I have had this book for about a year and needless to say, I am not even on page 100. Every time I have tried to read this book, it seems like I am reading about the authors experiences, rather than the experiences she has had with her daughter. It got so boring that I have to put it down. Every time I pick it up, I forgot what was going on in the pages before. On a recent family trip in the car, I brought this book with me, with yet again, another attempt to TRY to read it and give it yet, another chance. After only reading a few pages, I said to my husband and daughter, "No matter how I try, I can't read this book!" The author has taught me nothing about my tween, almost 12 years old. I only read about HER (the author's) feelings and experiences about herself growing up and things that are happening with her, which hardly touched on the experiences she was having with her daughter or the interactions she has had with her daughter or any conflicts, hard times or happy times she has had with her daughter. In my opinion, save your money or try to get it from the library. I thought I was going to read a book about my tween in training, but the best training is going through the daily grinds and figuring it out yourself. There is no better training than to be with your own girl and her friends and being a part of their lives and trying to come down to their level, singing, being silly, and sitting on the floor eating popcorn with them. Sorry.

I thought this book was a waste of my reading time. I saw a review on the Today Show, and read several postive reviews as well, and it piqued my interest. What I thought may be a book about how to deal with and accept the coming changes/challenges of a mother/pre-teen daughter relationship was a book about a mother seeming to tiptoe around her daughter's emotional state. What is Sarah going to think about this, what is she going to say about that, etc.? The only reason I gave it 2 stars instead of 1 is that I applaud the time spent Karen and Sarah spent together. Something that should be done in all parent-child relationships.

I would like to think there are better books on this subject.

Of all the parent-child relationships the mother-daughter is the most difficult. Neither mother-son nor father-either one causes nearly as much trouble. Being a mere male, I mostly watched while my wife and daughter fought (rather unsuccessfully) to establish a changing relationship.

In this book Karen Stabiner lives through the years when her daughter is from ten to fourteen years old. Karen is pre-warned of the impending troubles and is able to counter most of them. One of her quotes is "Even when its difficult, the onus is on the mother to be an adult." She's right about that.

This is a delightful book about one woman, one child making it through those years. It has a definite ring of truth. To be sure they had a lot more money to do things like a lengthy vacation in Italy, but what they're really saying is spending the time together. We did things like vacation trips to places like Lake Louise in Canada, camping out on the way.

The problem with this book is that it ends when the kid is 14. Perhaps this is just book 1. Still ahead is dating, sex, drinking, pot ... And oh yes, the drivers license.

"Look at that," Karen Stabiner has always proclaimed proudly regarding her daughter Sarah's first smile, word, step, and other milestones. In MY GIRL, she sets out, in the same spirit of awe and respect, to record her life with Sarah, from the age of ten to fourteen. As Sarah approaches the tween stage, Stabiner does not believe the "universal truth" that living with an adolescent daughter is misery. She chooses to believe instead the many mothers who confide in her that they take great pleasure in their young daughters.

Refreshingly and reassuringly, Stabiner passionately proclaims that most girls are not in trouble. She reminds us that a majority of adolescent girls do not have an eating disorder, low self-esteem, or depression. Most mothers and daughters enjoy each other's company.

However, Stabiner is realistic. She knows there will be spats and hard feelings as her daughter grows up, as there are in any relationship. She seeks only to avoid long-lasting smoldering resentments.

We vicariously share the many small and large moments between mother and daughter. Stabiner agonizes over a call home during a business trip alone, in which Sarah asks if they can both stay on the line all night. There are high points to be remembered with joy and low points from which to learn during a mother/daughter trip to Italy. Stabiner and her husband decide whether or not to buy the too-expensive horse of Sarah's dreams.

Mile markers of change appear as time rolls by. Sarah no longer asks for a nightlight, and she starts saying "Mom" instead of "Mommy." As poignant as these signs are, Stabiner ponders that they happened imperceptibly --- she notices many changes only in retrospect. However, what she remembers and reflects on is stunning in its detail and scope.

"We raise them to go away from us," Stabiner's friend and fellow mom, Annette, tells her. That theme of letting go --- how necessary and how difficult it is --- threads through the book. When Stabiner speaks of the parental obligation to allow their children to stumble (and sometimes to fall) in order to learn to be independent, she says ruefully, "It was our job to sit still, even as it was our instinct to rush forward."

The author lays down her own life with her daughter for us to enjoy and contemplate, while also placing it in society's larger picture. She includes facts about families and research on adolescent girls. She also reflects on her relationship with her own parents, and Sarah's connection with her father. The science and flashbacks are seamlessly woven into the narrative.

From first page to last, Karen and Sarah's story is pure pleasure, guaranteed to make you smile, laugh, and also cry. MY GIRL gives us a fascinating glimpse into a loving relationship and offers an important message of hope. Very highly recommended.

--- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon (Terryms2001@yahoo.com)

I loved this book!!!! Couldn't put it down. It took me back to when I raised my daughter (now 26) and I chuckled through it all--calling her to recall that time in our lives and how are relationship continues to grow each and every day. Stabiner weaves a great story that rings so true. Amazing what a strong foundation does to a mother-daughter relationship. The author and her daughter Sarah have just begun the adventure and the best is yet to come. I speak as a mom who has been there and done that and look back at the early time with great joy. I would not trade it for a minute! Don't miss this read and share it with your friends!!

What a relief, that someone has finally thought to write about the majority of moms and girls. Karen Stabiner is tired of the bad girl stereotype and it seems most of our daughthers are too. Stabiner shows us another way to get along, based on her experience with her daughter Sarah and other moms and daughters. And she talks to researchers who feel that their findings have been misstated by the media. Some girls have genuine problems, but it's unfair to the rest to expect a disaster. Why decide to be miserable when there are clearly other options? Funny, honest, a great read.

Ms. Stabiner writes that she was motivated to write this book by all the media attention to girls turning bad when they hit puberty. The result is a refreshing, and wonderfully written, memoir using her life with her daughter, buttressed by her research, to show that the vast majority of girls do quite well, thank you. Not that the journey is an easy one for parent or child -- but we all have a responsibility not to anticipate the worst.