Chapter 1 Being There for Yourself
Marcy was laid off from work. After a month of fruitless job-hunting, she feels like a nothing and a nobody. Nancy's three children are late getting off to school, despite her waking them on time, continually urging them to hurry, and finally yelling at them. After they leave she sits with her head in her hands, feeling like a nag, a screaming meanie, and an inadequate mother.
Linda gets up her courage and phones the man she met at last week's singles party. He says he is too busy preparing a case for trial to make any plans at this time. She hangs up and feels embarrassed, ashamed, unattractive, undesirable, and unlovable.
Karen, a vice president for marketing, writes a report that includes her recommendations for increasing sales. Her boss decides to go with Charlie's recommendations instead. Karen spends the next week in a funk, questioning whether she's fit for her job.
Sally has struggled with her weight all her life. She diets down almost to her goal, then gradually puts the weight back on, plus a few more pounds. When her weight reaches what she considers panic proportion, she frantically starts dieting again. Whenever she is more than five pounds above her optimal weight, she feels fat, ugly, unattractive, and undeserving.
Elaine is driving to work when her car sputters, stalls out, and won't start up again. She turns to her husband beside her and berates him for not taking better care of the car, though he knows no more about cars than she does.
Marcy, Nancy, Linda, Karen, Sally, and Elaine are all competent, likable women; yet they all have fragile self-esteem. However others may view them, inside they feel deficient and inadequate. Whenever something goes wrong, they are sure they're to blame. Even Elaine, who seems to react by blaming her husband and not herself, does so to ward off feelings of inadequacy. Her sense of self-worth is so shaky that she can't bear thinking herself responsible for one more difficulty, so whenever anything goes wrong, she looks for someone else to blame. These women are like many of us.
When we react to disappointment with self-blame or by blaming others, it is because we do not have an ample inner reservoir of self-liking and self-appreciation to weather whatever storm we're in. We are not grounded enough in our sense of self-worth to be able to take responsibility for what we contributed to our troubles without condemning ourselves totally. Nor are we secure enough in ourselves to recognize the role that people and events beyond our control have played in our difficulties, rather than blaming ourselves for not having been able to control the uncontrollable. Instead, when things don't go the way we want them to, rather than being there for ourselves, most of us blame ourselves, dredging up all the things we think are wrong with us.
We may blame ourselves for a few "glaring" faults, or we might have a long mental list of our failings, such as: socially awkward, timid, unassertive, fat, clumsy, ugly, dull, boring, dumb, lazy, overemotional, aimless, fearful, selfish, unambitious, disorganized, unworthy, and unlovable. Some of us have gone through our entire lives feeling not good enough, or no good at all, often without a clear idea of what's really wrong. There's just this feeling that, deep down, there is something terribly wrong with us, some nameless thing that is defective or missing.
We long to feel better about ourselves. We know that the more we like ourselves, the better we will feel, and the more others will like us. It is common knowledge that people with high self-esteem have an aura about them that makes them attractive and desirable. Yet, to many of us, realizing our worth seems a goal beyond our reach. Despite our discouragement, however, most of us don't give up. We keep thinking that, if only we could correct what's wrong with us or our lives, then we would approve of ourselves.
As a teenager I was overweight, young-looking, and awkward. I longed to be sophisticated and sought-after, and thought that, if only I were older and thin and had the right clothes, then I would be glamorous and popular. By the time I hit thirty, I realized that no matter how old, thin, or smartly dressed I might become, I would never be sophisticated. My personality is more warm and forthright than it is charming and coolly contained. I decided I needed to learn to feel good about myself as I was, rather than continuing to long for the elusive sophistication that I had believed would make me desirable.
Many women erroneously believe, like I did, that they don't appreciate themselves at present because they haven't accomplished enough to merit feeling good about who they are. They think that, in order to value themselves, they first have to do more: lose weight, get married, earn more money, get a promotion, obtain a degree, have children, be a better mother, acquire poise, or produce something wonderful. However, in many cases even reaching these goals doesn't provide the desired results.
Many high achievers remain on a treadmill where, no matter how much they achieve, they feel it's not enough. They just keep needing to do more and more to fill their inner sense of inadequacy. Often, despite receiving the respect and admiration of others, inside they feel like imposters, and live in terror of failing the next time, thereby exposing their deficiency. They look at each achievement as something that only increases others' expectations of them, setting them up for a harder fall when their unworthiness is revealed. They long to feel content and pleased with themselves, but self-contentment is the one thing they cannot achieve.
Self-esteem can come only from the inside,from inner acceptance and approval. If this self-approval is not there, then the effects of outside commendation and rewards last only as long as the kudos keep rolling in. When they cease, the achievement junkie suffers a dramatic drop in self-esteem, and often becomes depressed. To be truly anchored in feelings of self-worth, we need to approve of ourselves for who we are.
Women are especially vulnerable to feeling inadequate and depending on the approval of others for our sense of self-worth. Society, rather than valuing us as full human beings and empowering us, socializes us to focus on attracting, giving to ,and pleasing others. We are "good girls" if we do as we're told, keep our voices down, willingly help out, and mind our manners. Advertisements and the media constantly barrage us with the message that we are to be beautiful and desirable, that our purpose in life is to snare and keep a man, and that failure to do so or the choice of other options means we are deficient and inadequate. Co-dependency, a problem that has received a lot of attention in recent years, involves getting your sense of self-worth from the approval of others, rather than generating it from within yourself -- but this is precisely what women are taught to do. It is therefore not surprising that so many of us have limited or fragile self-esteem. We need to challenge our upbringing and culture in order to learn to value ourselves for who we truly are.
If you've ever rehashed your day in your mind, thinking about all the things you should have done better and telling yourself how inadequate you are, then you know how this self-recrimination drains time and energy from your life. If you've ever procrastinated before doing a task, and then spent the day (or week or month) feeling guilty, then you know how guilt can sap your strength, and sour your free time. It is quite common for women from all walks of life and with varying degrees of accomplishment to waste their time and energy making themselves feel deficient and therefore miserable.
Usually, though, a woman is not aware that she is actively undermining herself and eroding her self-esteem. Instead, she may think she has a "poor self-image," or a "guilt complex" that is beyond her control. The good news is that nothing could be further from the truth. You are not the helpless victim of unmanageable internal forces. If you don't value yourself, it is because you are actively treating yourself in a critical and belittling manner. Let me explain:
A helpful way to understand what happens when you feel bad about yourself is to consider yourself as having an inner-caretaker and an inner-child. Your inner-child contains your feelings, wishes, desires, and needs. Your inner-caretaker's job is to care for you as a parent would: to see that you eat right, get enough sleep, show up on time, act ethically and morally, and fulfill your responsibilities. When your inner-caretaker sees you stumbling, she tries to get you to straighten up and fly right. However, she can do this in very different ways.
Some of us, the lucky ones, have an inner-caretaker who gives constructive criticism and advice while being understanding, accepting , compassionate, encouraging, supportive, and approving. Others of us, the less fortunate, carry within ourselves an inner-caretaker who is really an inner-critic, who tries to help us by being disparaging and demeaning.
Our inner-critic is the part of us that is always telling us what we might have done, and could have done, and should have done...telling us how other people are better and luckier than we are, and how we are inferior...telling us that no matter how hard we try, we'll never succeed because we just don't have what it takes, and success is for other people, not for us.
Can you recall hearing the voice of your inner-caretaker? Think of a time when you were under pressure...feeling stressed...had things to do, decisions to make...were unsure of what to do and how to handle things. Perhaps your caretaker soothed you...told you to calm down and take a break...told you that your decisions are usually sound, but also that it's all right to make mistakes...told you that you are a valuable, likable person and will remain so, no matter how things turn out. If your inner guardian talked to you this way,...
