Customer Reviews

Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I happened upon Ms. O Matik at the San Francisco Anarchist book fair where she was selling this work. The book has nothing that is mind-bogglingly new. It is straight-forward and common-sensical. However it obviously comes directly from the author's personal experience and will help you steer through the complexities that might arise should you decide to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle.

What is refereshing is that Wendy does not try to proselytizein this book: she does not try to advocate this lifestyle as the only way. The author takes a mature attitude and one does not feel that she has adopted this lifestyle for the sake of rebellion. In other words, the works flows from her center. It is a postive statement that is life-affirming, not a negative rebellion against.

This book is slender yet packed with thoughts, expressed clearly and succinctly. The author is a poet who lives the alternate lifestyle. The focus of her book is not limited to polyamorous sexual relationships, but goes beyond that to the many forms in which love and intimacy are shared. Although it is about polyamorous relationships, it is more than that -- it is a meditation on love, and invites the reader to think outside of categories about what one truly wants and needs as a human being.

Nothing in this book is wrong or out of place, but it's instantly obvious that it's written by a poet and not a prose artist. I personally feel this book has a far greater economy of words than the topic deserves. It's an addition to the books on polyamory which is a rapid, easy read-but left me wanting more. More explanation, more details, more mechanics.

This is one of the newer texts on polyamory. The author does a good job giving a pragmatic, down-to-earth perspective on the subject and it's an easy read, though she abhors the term for some reason and refuses to use it. This strikes me as especially odd since the term now appears in several dictionaries and is familiar even to mainstream America more than any similar term. Still, as a polyamory skills educator I am happy to endorse this book and welcome it as a good addition to the still meager offerings to be had on polyamory. - Anita Wagner

This is one of the lighter-weight polyamory books (although the author dislikes the term "polyamory" and never uses it in the book), but Wendy-O Matik is good at giving permission to think for oneself, along with general ideas about loving outside the box. She has a very appealing, open definition of non-monogamy that is about intimacy rather than any particular sexual expression, or even equating "lover" with "sexual partner." A chapter by guest essayist Famous is called "Some of Us Have Kids," but most of the book is about the (possibly) freer ones amongst us who don't.

I also loved the illustrations by Erin Brookey. "Erin's medium consists of her own undergarments, lingerie, safety pins, and joural entries, which are then carefully hand-stitched together and sealed in plastic ..." She then appears to have sketched her pieces as the book illustrations.

Altogether, this is a collaborative effort that normalizes artistic and relationship choices.

Whether to put more emphasis on one's politics or one's personal life has been a running debate between activists, organizers, and rebels of all sorts for a long time now. Where does your personal life stop and your efforts to change the world begin? Is there something in between? How do you go about living your life that goes along with your principles? These questions sometimes haunt me, because you can never really separate yourself from mainstream consumer society no matter how much you dislike capitalism. However, in this life, while you make compromises so you can exist, at what point do you go too far? I'll usually veer away from these sorts of thoughts since I've seen it cripple many politically-minded people and make their heads spin. The worst part is the questions continually come back.

Relationships are a huge part of who we are simply as human beings. Whether it's sex, friendship, love, simple companionship, or something in-between all of these, humans exist as social creatures. In fact, any healthy social movement for change develops strong relationships on individual and mass levels. So what's so radical about that? Well, it may look more radical when you start to think about how many things in our society have been the result of domination, control, and exploitation. Ultimately, much of what we think of as romantic relationships in the West is based on about male control, patriarchy, and jealousy, (which again, we all grew up with in this society). Alternative relationships, or open relationships where no one person has control over another's feelings, is an alternative model. In "Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships," Wendy O Matik, explores how an open relationship, based on trust, honesty, and maturity, would actual work.

When it comes down to it, I highly recommend this book. I've gone back and forth on the monogamy vs. polyamory issue. (I don't like the term non-monogamy because I don't like defining myself as what I'm against.) Sometimes I won't do it because my partner is against it, and other times we compromise to adopting it. Wendy writes here that the key towards a successful open relationship is to be honest with one another that humans will be attracted to other people, and they can't shut that part of them down just because they're with someone else. Jealousy, much like rage, can shut a part of you down and hate someone you're supposed to love, or when someone cheats on monagomy. Wendy also makes the good point that relationships aren't just a black/white thing where you have lovers and friends, and nothing else. Another excellent point she makes is that open relationships do not mean irresponsible relationships where you don't have to take your partner's feelings into account or can just go marathon bed-hopping without letting your partner know what's going on.

If you're even just curious about open relationships or wish to explore exactly what love is, Wendy-O Matik is a great start, since it's a fast, short enjoyable read.

It's so wonderful to know that I'm not alone in wanting more out of life, but still wanting to remain married. It has given me the confidence to pursue my dreams, my life, and hopefully my straying husband will read the book one day!

I tend to have a "love/hate" relationship with books that deal with open relationships or polyamory. So, I was pleasantly surprised with this book. It is less than 100 pages but it touches on all the relevant issues involved in this "lifestyle" choice. She doesn't rationalize the subject or try to sell it the way some authors do. She sets it all out in a very concise, straightforward manner that leaves it up to the reader to make his or her own decision regarding the strengths or weaknesses of open relationships.
So, I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in learning more about open relationships. It gives a clear overview of the subject but doesn't bog him or her down with too much information.

Dena

The author just used this book to preach at you about how some people need more love than one person can give so they need relationships with more than one person. The whole book seemed to just be a defense and justification for the author's lifestyle.
Also, very short. Read it in less than 3 hours.

Thank you, Wendy, for this wonderful little book that reads very quickly and gets right to the heart of the matter. I appreciated the directness of your approach combined with an uncommon thoughtfulness about the most delicate issues. It is good to know that out there in the field so many people are redefining what is means to be related, what being part of a "family" really means, and how we can optimize the use of amorous resources available in our communities.
Your book really anticipates some of the ideas that make poly a style of love in-tune with earth-based spiritualities and the current effort to overcome the global ecological crises.
Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio, PhD, author of Gaia and the New Politics of Love: Notes for a Poly Planet [ASIN:1556438214]