The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers [Hardcover]

John M. Gottman (Author), Joan DeClaire (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0609608096 | ISBN-13: 978-0609608098 | Publication Date: May 22, 2001 | Edition: 1

Leading relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. John Gottman, who has won numerous awards for his groundbreaking research, presents a revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships — with spouses and lovers, children and other family members, friends, and even your boss or colleagues at work. Drawing on a host of powerful new studies, as well as his 29 years of analyzing relationships and conducting relationship therapy, Gottman provides the tools you need to make your relationships thrive.

Introducing the empowering concept of the "emotional bid," which he calls the fundamental unit of emotional connection, Gottman shows that all good relationships are built through a process of making and receiving successful bids. These bids range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment to the most probing and intimate ways we communicate. Gottman's research reveals that people in happy relationships make bidding and responding to bids a high priority in their lives, and he has discovered the fascinating secrets behind mastering the bidding process. Those who do so tend to "turn toward" bids from others, whereas most problems in relationships stem from either "turning away" or "turning against" bids for connection.

Gottman's simple yet life-transforming five-step program, packed with fascinating questionnaires and exercises developed in his therapy, shows readers how to become master bidders by effectively turning toward others. Presenting fascinating examples of bidding, he teaches readers how to assess their strengths and weaknesses in bidding, as well as those of the important people in their lives, and how to improve where necessary. He draws on the latest research to show readers how their brain's unique emotional command systems, as well as their emotional heritage — their upbringing, life experiences, and enduring vulnerabilities — affect how they make and receive bids, and how to make adjustments. He then introduces a set of enjoyable and remarkably effective ways to deepen connections by finding shared meaning and honoring one another's dreams. The final chapter offers specially tailored programs for life's most important relationships: with lovers or spouses, children, adult siblings, friends, and coworkers.

The Relationship Cure offers a simple but profound program that will fundamentally transform the quality of all of the relationships in your life.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"John Gottman is our leading explorer of the inner world of relationships. In The Relationship Cure, he has found gold once again. This book shows how the simplest, nearly invisible gestures of care and attention hold the key to successful relationships with those we love and work with."
-- William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart

"This is the best book on relationships I have ever read -- a truly impressive tour-de-force. John Gottman has discovered the Rosetta Stone of relationships. He has decoded the subtle secrets contained in our moment-to-moment communications. By introducing the simple yet amazingly powerful concept of the "bid," he provides a remarkable set of tools for relationship repair. By the middle of the second chapter you're likely to say to yourself, "Oh, so that's what's happening in my relationship with my partner (or colleague, boss, or sister), and now I know what to do about it."
-- Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D.,author of After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship

"The Relationship Cure is another in John Gottman's superb series of books on improving intimate relationships. What distinguishes Gottman's writing from that of other self-help books is that it is based on research findings from his extensive studies. When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work."
-- E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia

"The Relationship Cure is both profound and practical, based on decades of research and clinical experience. The rich array of self-exploration exercises and guidelines offers a life-changing program for creating more rewarding emotional connections with friends, colleagues, and life partners."
-- Shirley P. Glass, ABPP, author of Treating the Trauma of Infidelity

"The Relationship Cure is engaging and imaginative. The deceptively simple but powerful concept of the 'emotional bid' reveals ways in which we can connect with significant others in our lives."
-- Andrew Christensen, Ph.D., coauthor of Reconcilable Differences


"I always expect to learn something from John Gottman, and I have never been disappointed. The Relationship Cure is original, insightful, and immensely helpful. I love the concept of emotional bids. Gottman not only helps the reader recognize how he or she may be short circuiting connection and communication, he gives them very good practical advice, as well as examples of wrong and right ways to deal with even the most aggressive or passive partner interaction."
-- Pepper Schwartz, Profesor of Sociology, the University of Washington, Seattle and author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong

From the Inside Flap

Leading relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. John Gottman, who has won numerous awards for his groundbreaking research, presents a revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships ? with spouses and lovers, children and other family members, friends, and even your boss or colleagues at work. Drawing on a host of powerful new studies, as well as his 29 years of analyzing relationships and conducting relationship therapy, Gottman provides the tools you need to make your relationships thrive.

Introducing the empowering concept of the "emotional bid," which he calls the fundamental unit of emotional connection, Gottman shows that all good relationships are built through a process of making and receiving successful bids. These bids range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment to the most probing and intimate ways we communicate. Gottman's research reveals that people in happy relationships make bidding and responding to bids a high priority in their lives, and he has discovered the fascinating secrets behind mastering the bidding process. Those who do so tend to "turn toward" bids from others, whereas most problems in relationships stem from either "turning away" or "turning against" bids for connection.

Gottman's simple yet life-transforming five-step program, packed with fascinating questionnaires and exercises developed in his therapy, shows readers how to become master bidders by effectively turning toward others. Presenting fascinating examples of bidding, he teaches readers how to assess their strengths and weaknesses in bidding, as well as those of the important people in their lives, and how to improve where necessary. He draws on the latest research to show readers how their brain's unique emotional command systems, as well as their emotional heritage ? their upbringing, life experiences, and enduring vulnerabilities ? affect how they make and receive bids, and how to make adjustments. He then introduces a set of enjoyable and remarkably effective ways to deepen connections by finding shared meaning and honoring one another's dreams. The final chapter offers specially tailored programs for life's most important relationships: with lovers or spouses, children, adult siblings, friends, and coworkers.

The Relationship Cure offers a simple but profound program that will fundamentally transform the quality of all of the relationships in your life.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 336 pages
• Publisher: Crown; 1 edition (May 22, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0609608096
• ISBN-13: 978-0609608098
• Product Dimensions: 9.5 x 6.2 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #112,801 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

111 of 112 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Advice for Overcoming the Communications Stall!, May 22, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers (Hardcover)

The Relationship Cure is one of the four best books I have read about developing, nurturing, and sustaining relationships. I hope that everyone I know reads this book!

The book's focus is drawn from observations of people speaking with their family, friends, and lovers. From this work, the authors have skillfully located the mechanisms that can be used to improve connection and communication, and provide much practical coaching on what the reader should work on. Anyone who follows the advice in this book will live a life filled with much richer human connections. Think of reading this book as like having an emotional intelligence coach.

The book begins by looking at the fundamental ways that connection is pursued. People say and do things to get attention and make their needs known, which the authors call bids. "People make bids because of their natural desire to feel connected with other people." How you respond determines how well the connection develops. You can use words (like questions, statements, or comments) or actions (touching, expressions, gestures, and sounds). As step one, you are encouraged to look at your own bids for connection. You want to avoid being "fuzzy" about your purposes. This can come from being ambiguous, being a poor communicator, being negative, or not acting like it is important. When you respond to bids, use a positive stance, pay attention, interact in a high energy way, and be playful. Avoid reacting mindlessly. You are especially warned against harmful ways to respond (not being mindful of your reactions, starting on a sour note, employing harmful criticism, being overcome with emotion, having a crabby way of thinking, and avoiding conversations you need to have).

The book also explores the style you use to think about communication. You will be able to see which of 7 types you most closely fit with (commander-in-chief, explorer, sensualist, energy czar, jester, sentry, and nest-builder). You will also find how to tell if you are over or under doing it, and how to adjust. You next look at the emotional heritage of how you learned to respond to others in your family. Again, there are tools to help you change where that would be helpful.

Another section looks at reading others' emotions, naming your own feelings, using richer metaphors, and ways of active listening.

Next, you are encouraged to find places where you can share meaningful, positive connections with others . . . even if you have differences in other areas.

After you have this overview, chapter eight looks at how to apply all of these perspectives to marriage, parenthood, friendship, siblings, and co-workers.

The book's strength is that it uses examples that you can identify with. Then, rather than leaving you hanging with what not to do, the book goes on to provide alternative ways to handle the same situation. There are too many to memorize easily, but you will soon get the hang of how to compose a reaction that will be better received. In fact, you probably run into fruitless conservations with certain people so often that it would help to draft out some possible alternatives in advance. I also found the self-diagnosis exercises to be helpful. I think you will, too.

After you have finished reading this book, you must practice applying it. I suggest that you start with someone who is fairly easy to communicate with already. Later, you can go on to work with those who you have more problems with, as you develop your skill.

This book will be especially valuable to men who want to communicate in more effective ways with women. Realizing that women put out more bids for connection in many situation, this book will help men realize better ways to respond. I was impressed with how well the advice worked in my family as I followed it during the days following my initial reading of the book. Of all the things I have tried out that I have read in books, these suggestions worked our far better than most! And they made me feel a lot better and more relaxed in the process. That's a pretty nice advantage to gain from reading a book.

May you always be rich in your human connections as you desire!

28 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Clear guidelines!, July 12, 2002

By 

Andreas Fellner "afellner" (München) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers (Hardcover)

Gottman, the leading researcher in the area of marriage and other intimate relationships, provides in this latest book a simple, yet very effective 5-step-model of enhancing and deepening your personal relationships.
This program builds upon the results of several longitudinal studies. This means, the advice offered is based not on personal opinion (like so many other authors do), but on solid research findings. Gottman starts by introducing the basic element of human relationships, the bid. A bid is any single expression that says "I want to feel connected to you". Failed bid processes are the root cause of many problems in human relationships.
The 5 step Gottman offers are:
1) Look at your bids for connection: here the reader learns to distinguish among turning-towards, turning-away and turning-against responses and their effects
2) Discover your brain's emotional commmand system: this chapter is especially illuminating because it deals with 7 emotional systems with their distinct linkages to behaviors and feelings. It demonstrates how these systems can cause problems in bidding processes
3) Examine your emotional heritage: in my opinion, this is the best part of the book. Several exercises reveal your family's way of dealing with emotions such as pride, anger, fear, and accomplishments. You beome aware of your personal way of relating to others and how they relate to your earlier experiences. Another part is devoted to your enduring emotional vulnerabilities.
4) Sharpen your emotional skills: various exercises are aimed at improving your emotional intelligence.
5) Create shared meaning: another very important part, not only for marriages. It encourages the reader to explore his and the other's personal dreams and visions. It also urges to create a deeper level of connecting by the use of rituals.

By and large, this book is an excellent example of science applied to real life. Everyone interested in improving his personal relationships should read this book!

11 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Does It Again, August 23, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers (Hardcover)

This is another outstanding book by Dr. Gottman and his research team. Instead of an author giving his own personal opinions of what he thinks make good marriages, Dr. Gottman actually observes hundreds and finds what they have in common. Two major bits he observed in happy couples were paying attention to each other and elements of romance. From all the very happy couples I know, I would agree.

I'd recommend looking at The Romantic's Guide for ideas on easy ways to keep being romantic.