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Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work, A Transformational Approach to Creating Magical Relationships Paperback – February 15, 2004
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Top Customer Reviews
We had always believed that good relationships needed hard work to keep them alive and vital. And, there were times in the past when we worked VERY hard - on ourselves and on each other. The work always showed up as a complaint about something the other of us did or didn't do and then became a project to fix it! We were trying to fit the relationship we had into what our minds told us might be better. That strategy didn't work. It actually created more things to work on. Who wants to be fixed? So, when we saw the title of the Kanes' book, we knew we had to read it.
All we can say is: What a book!
As we read it, we found out that creating a magical relationship is really all about our day-to-day willingness to look and discover the mechanical ways we relate to one another without judging what we see. We found out we didn't have to work on or do something to fix anything. As the Kanes suggest, theirs is a transformational approach to creating magical relationships.
At first we didn't know how to just look without judging. It was a bit challenging for us to take this approach. And we realized for the first time that part of each of us really didn't want to give up the righteously being right dynamic. But, the Kanes suggested that it could be done and that we would be happy with the results if we did. We decided to go for it!Read more ›
I'm certain that without the concepts in this book, my relationship with my girlfriend would have ended many times. Just becoming aware of how I avoided intimacy (chapter: Sex and Intimacy) and how I was more interested in being right than actually listening to the woman I love has shifted everything dramatically (chapter: Surrender vs. Succumb). There were times when we thought we really didn't like each other until we looked at the subtle, and not so subtle, ways we were influenced. For us, this can include speaking to our parents, or to people whose agenda, unbeknownst to them, is to split any relationship (chapter: Relationship Splitters). Once we became aware of the effect that other people can have on us, magic happened. Please do not think that we now blame others when we have misunderstandings. On the contrary, I feel more responsible for my life and actions than I ever have before and it is supremely empowering.
Now, we have the ability to be open and honest with each other and to see our relationship with new eyes in every moment. We are not bound by the way we learned to relate (chapter: You Are Not The Story Of Your Life), but we discover how to relate every day. It is an amazing, fun and easy journey (chapter: Fun is Not a Four Letter Word). There is so much valuable information, I wish I had several more pages to write this review.
If I were single, I would want to be with someone has read this book, so whether you are in a relationship or not, I cannot recommend it highly enough.
The Kanes teach through anecdote rather than analysis, citing interactions among people who are practicing living in the moment and whose lives have transformed in the process. Their approach is based on non-judgmental awareness of what is in any given moment, without application of a psychological theory or social standard. We become present as we learn to perceive our own hidden agendas and mechanical behaviors that have governed how we have described ourselves for decades (e.g. "I'm too ___ to attract a good partner" or "I can never do that because of what happened to me").
Many spiritual traditions and movements urge coherents to "become present" or "live in the moment" or something similar. While the Kanes' approach to transformation can dovetail with spiritual belief and practice, it is presented in a completely secular framework, making it easily accessible for anyone, regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs. As a Christian I find it interesting to see how much spiritual life can be lived without reference to any specific context, how transformation and living in the present are completely available in a practical way, apart from any belief system.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Any easy to read book that allows one to simply reflect and make the needed choices to improve one's internal relationship.Published on March 16, 2010 by Henry K. Evans
This book is the same book and information as the book "How to Create a Magical Relationship" Don't make the same mistake I made and order both :(Published on September 29, 2009 by Milissa
This book is an ocean of sophisticated learning expressed in very simple, readable terms and engaging stories. Read morePublished on April 8, 2007 by Paula Serios
This is the second book by Ariel & Shya Kane that I;ve read. It is magical!
The hints, principles and information they give regarding the theme of "Relationship" is... Read more
I found this book to be very disappointing, uninspiring and far too simplistic to be of any use. The authors speak as if they are the authority in all things concerning... Read morePublished on March 28, 2006 by Liz Gordon
This book, whose title at first requires a little interpretation, is really about creating magical relationships. Read morePublished on March 6, 2006 by Isabelle Hudson
I really cannot recommend this book highly enough. After seven years married my husband and I were having problems, we still loved each other but still seemed to upset each other... Read morePublished on November 14, 2005 by loveboooks
You want a great relationship? With your partner, your family, your co-workers, your friends or yourself? Or all of the above? Read morePublished on September 1, 2005 by A reader from New Jersey
In this life, in my relationships I always fought with my partners. After reading this magnificent book, I realize not only why, but now I know how to live with me and my... Read morePublished on April 9, 2005 by Marian