Customer Reviews

Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work, A Transformational Approach to Creating Magical Relationships

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We have been married for almost 16 years. We have two kids, two cars, a boat, (the dog died), and a home in suburbia. We've considered our relationship to be pretty good all these years but, after reading Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work by Ariel and Shya Kane, it got even better - magic IS possible - and the book demonstrates how.

We had always believed that good relationships needed hard work to keep them alive and vital. And, there were times in the past when we worked VERY hard - on ourselves and on each other. The work always showed up as a complaint about something the other of us did or didn't do and then became a project to fix it! We were trying to fit the relationship we had into what our minds told us might be better. That strategy didn't work. It actually created more things to work on. Who wants to be fixed? So, when we saw the title of the Kanes' book, we knew we had to read it.

All we can say is: What a book!

As we read it, we found out that creating a magical relationship is really all about our day-to-day willingness to look and discover the mechanical ways we relate to one another without judging what we see. We found out we didn't have to work on or do something to fix anything. As the Kanes suggest, theirs is a transformational approach to creating magical relationships.

At first we didn't know how to just look without judging. It was a bit challenging for us to take this approach. And we realized for the first time that part of each of us really didn't want to give up the righteously being right dynamic. But, the Kanes suggested that it could be done and that we would be happy with the results if we did. We decided to go for it!

The book suggested that we look at the ways we relate through the lens of an anthropologist, simply interested in finding facts, rather than looking and finding fault through the lens of our preconceived notions about what is good, bad, right or wrong - all of which we learned at an earlier age. The promise of the book was that if we could just become aware of our mechanical ways of relating without judging them, our mechanics would lose their control over us and a new possibility for relating at a deeper level would open. The promise was fulfilled. The results have been amazing. And we found that the benefits of what we learned spilled over into our other relationships with family, friends, and those with whom we work.

When we looked, sometimes we discovered unexpected gifts each of us had, and other times, we didn't always see things we were proud of. The Kanes' book reminded us of two of the most powerful and healing words in the universe when it comes to creating magical relationships - I'm sorry.

The Kanes operate through three basic interconnected principles of transformation introduced in their successful first book, Working on Yourself Doesn't Work. We will leave the surprise and power of those principles, and several addenda they have added, as treasures for you to discover on your own. By sharing their own personal experiences and telling entertaining stories about the experiences of others, the Kanes present the possibility for all of us to discover how we can have that magical relationship we dream about - one that keeps on growing and is rich, intimate and more rewarding than most can imagine.
This is a good one - don't miss it.

If there is one thing this book is about, it is possibility. My eyes were opened to ideas that I never could have imagined on my own that have led to a richness and fullness in my relationship I never thought was possible. The Kanes have incredible insight into what makes relationships work and what does not and their idea that simply being aware of how you relate leads to magic in your life is absolutely true - I've experienced it.

I'm certain that without the concepts in this book, my relationship with my girlfriend would have ended many times. Just becoming aware of how I avoided intimacy (chapter: Sex and Intimacy) and how I was more interested in being right than actually listening to the woman I love has shifted everything dramatically (chapter: Surrender vs. Succumb). There were times when we thought we really didn't like each other until we looked at the subtle, and not so subtle, ways we were influenced. For us, this can include speaking to our parents, or to people whose agenda, unbeknownst to them, is to split any relationship (chapter: Relationship Splitters). Once we became aware of the effect that other people can have on us, magic happened. Please do not think that we now blame others when we have misunderstandings. On the contrary, I feel more responsible for my life and actions than I ever have before and it is supremely empowering.

Now, we have the ability to be open and honest with each other and to see our relationship with new eyes in every moment. We are not bound by the way we learned to relate (chapter: You Are Not The Story Of Your Life), but we discover how to relate every day. It is an amazing, fun and easy journey (chapter: Fun is Not a Four Letter Word). There is so much valuable information, I wish I had several more pages to write this review.

If I were single, I would want to be with someone has read this book, so whether you are in a relationship or not, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Working On Your Relationship Doesn't Work takes the insights of the Kanes' earlier book to a deeper level. Written in a conversational, colloquial style, this book presents the Kanes' approach to bringing a transformed life into the context of relationships. The book discusses how our lives transform when we live fully in the present, this moment of now and when we become present and appropriate in all our relationships - those with ourselves and our co-workers, as well as those with intimate or romantic partners.

The Kanes teach through anecdote rather than analysis, citing interactions among people who are practicing living in the moment and whose lives have transformed in the process. Their approach is based on non-judgmental awareness of what is in any given moment, without application of a psychological theory or social standard. We become present as we learn to perceive our own hidden agendas and mechanical behaviors that have governed how we have described ourselves for decades (e.g. "I'm too ___ to attract a good partner" or "I can never do that because of what happened to me").

Many spiritual traditions and movements urge coherents to "become present" or "live in the moment" or something similar. While the Kanes' approach to transformation can dovetail with spiritual belief and practice, it is presented in a completely secular framework, making it easily accessible for anyone, regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs. As a Christian I find it interesting to see how much spiritual life can be lived without reference to any specific context, how transformation and living in the present are completely available in a practical way, apart from any belief system.

Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work takes a different approach to transforming a relationship or creating a "magical" new one. While there are several books available now on how to live in the present moment and so transform your life, this one takes on a different application of that principle by examining how it applies to relationships. Of course the authors start where all good relationship books should start - examine your self first. A relationship involves both people and that means your self.

Using three principles of transformation they seek to show how people can bring about change in their lives and their relationships. One of the most important points they make is that your relationship with your self determines your relationship with others. Some of the other points they examine are recognizing and dealing with your hidden agendas, completing your relationship with your parents, realizing that you are not the story of your life, the art of listening, and choosing to be alive.

This is a well-written book with lots of positive self-affirming directions and is the first of the self-help books about living in the moment that effectively tackles the problem of relationships. Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work is a highly recommended book with an unfortunate title that doesn't encourage picking it up off the shelf and reading it.

After reviewing the Kanes' first best-seller "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work," for Awareness Magazine, I was so impressed that it seemed impossible they could come up with something even greater - but happily, they have surpassed their own brilliance with their newest masterpiece, "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work." The simple, yet profound wisdom that is contained in this book will truly change the way you experience relationships, and is unprecedented by any other relationship genre book this reviewer has ever come across. As a relationships counselor myself, I found many amazing ways to help my clients, as well as the relationships in my own personal life, including my relationship with myself. The transforming information this book contains cuts through old ideas and past beliefs that we tend to focus on, and allows us to enter into an almost alchemical transformation into the here and now. Years of therapy cannot touch what the Kanes can do in minutes. It's all about getting down to the truth, observing in a non-judgmental way, and learning to be honest in the present tense. As the Kanes invite you into the magical world of their individual consulting sessions and seminars, you will hear about true case stories where people have made remarkable changes in their relationships. You will discover the key elements that will take your relationships out of the ordinary and mundane, and sky rocket them into the realm of the miraculous - instantaneously! Once again, this reviewer gives the Kanes 10 stars for this outstanding work.

You want a great relationship? With your partner, your family, your co-workers, your friends or yourself? Or all of the above? You have tried so hard but what you tried did not work? This book is for you. It shows why relationships grow sour, how you can rekindle flames of love and passion, how to create magic in your everyday contacts with people in your life. It tells you how to avoid pitfalls, some of them you may have never heard of, but when you read about them, they will strike you as true. The Kanes have an amazing ability to talk directly to you and to describe the discoveries that they have made for themselves and that have transformed their lives in a way that is infectious. They invite you to step on the path to true, lasting and satisfying relationships that are maintained by honesty and awareness, rather than by broad, general judgments of what?s the right thing to do, such as 'what would my parents think if I divorced' or 'it's better for the children to have two parents'. Their approach is mind-boggling in its simplicity and in its new way of looking at things and dealing with situations that in a usual frame of reference would be called "problems".

I found this book truly amazing in its impact on my life. Just by reading it, many things that were heretofore hazy and inexplicable became clear to me. For instance, I have always underestimated the influence of other people on my relationship. Having read the book I became aware how the relationship with my husband usually changed after I had been around certain ?friends? and absorbed their (negative) views about life in general and about men in particular. I felt myself wanting to say something nasty to my husband and I noticed it and did not say it. Yeah!! This is how disharmony previously used to creep into our relationship without us knowing how it ever happened, and now we can talk about it and not be influenced by it. It also got me closer to my husband; he truly has become the primary focus of my life.
If you want to transcend the limitations of your current relationship and discover what's truly possible, allow magic to enter your life. Ariel and Shya Kanes' book "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work" makes magic accessible to you.

I love this book! I read it recently on a recommendation from a friend while I was on a business trip. I can't even express how much it transformed my life - immediately. On page 197, the Kanes propose an idea that has utterly shifted my perception of both intimacy and my relationship. I have a very demanding career that, in the past, I frequently brought home with me. The
Kanes make the suggestion that intimacy can become "a sanctuary from the cares of the world..." I went home with a whole new perspective, one that characterized my boyfriend as indispensible to rejuvination, not an imposition. It is such a gift!
Thank you, Ariel and Shya Kane!

The wisdom in "Working on Your Relationships Doesn't Work" has truly transformed my relationship with myself as well as my relationship with my partner, my family, my friends and my co-workers. This book provides tools to view life through a lens of non-judgmental awareness. The Kanes have a profound way of sharing simple and easy steps to obtain and live life through an enlightened state which is accessible right now. I have found that once I quit working on myself, I stopped working on my partner, and the magic of our love has flourished in this new found state of being. If you find that you are one who works on yourself as well as your partner, in hopes of changing yourself or them for the better, this book provides freedom from old, non-constructive behavioral patterns and reveals steps that lead you to living life in the magic of now. My relationship with myself is a loving one as I observe myself through the non-judgement, anthropological lens that the Kanes suggest in their book. And as I love myself through this new found lens, my love for myself, my partner, my family and my friends has been expansive beyond my imagination.

I so enjoyed reading "Working On Your Relationship Doesn't Work" by Ariel and Shya Kane. It was given to me by a friend. Great gift. Early on in the book I discovered that the most important relationship was mine with myself. "Oh this book is for me and right now," I thought. I was right there with many of the characters in their experiences. I loved seeing how the "3 principles of Transformation" the Kanes put forth play out in real life. I was grateful for the eye-opening section on "Sex and Intimacy". I was laughing out loud and then getting teary with different people as they journeyed through the Kanes' NYC Monday night meetings that were recounted in the book. I was particularly moved by a couple, Linda and Dan. They were new in their relationship and I felt them falling even further in love right there on the page. Wow, truth be told I was also moved by the fact that they were close to my own age. "Magical Relationships" are not only for those in their 20's or 30's.

I sensed something in me open. I was tempted to call what has happened to me a coincidence: since reading this wonderful book, I've got a great new relationship. Well, 2 really, the one with myself is much more gentle and fun. And there is a marvelous, funny, generous, kind man in my life now. Miracle? Coincidence? I don't really care. I'm having fun and I didn't used to in my relationships - just ask my ex-husband.

Maybe this book will even effect my relationship with money. Or perhaps the Kanes next book will be called "Working on Your Finances Doesn't Work".

A fan from Riverdale, NY

This book is such a refreshing change from other books about relationships I have seen on the market. The authors have a wonderfully fresh and insightful perspective that, from the first page on, made me feel like magical relationships were possible in my life. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this feeling has stayed with me after I read the book and yet there were no steps to follow and no hard work to achieve this state.

I bought this book because their first book, "Working On Yourself Doesn't Work" had such an amazing impact on my life. I already knew their approach was working for me and as someone who was looking for a fulfilling romantic relationship, I was particularly interested in what the book had to offer. "Working On Your Relationship Doesn't Work" feels like a seamless continuation of the first book and inspires me to discover what's possible in my relationships to myself, to others, to my work, and to every aspect of my life. It is a fun, easy and incredibly expansive experience to see my life through the words of such great teachers.

The best part of all this is, I am now in a relationship that I never could have imagined before and I know in my heart that it is a direct result of taking in what this book presents. Thanks very much, Ariel and Shya Kane, for the gift of wisdom and ease this book offers and for the satisfaction I have found.