Customer Reviews

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

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3 star:		(1)
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Last week I finished this new book from Resources for Changing Lives-Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. Tim Lane, together with Paul Tripp (author of one of my favorite books, War of Words) tackle the deeper issues involved in relationships in the lives of believers.

Written with a gentle, we're-right-there-with-you tone but also grounded in the authority of Scripture this proved to be a helpful read considering my relationships and the specific ways I need to embrace the power and sufficiency of God's grace to redeem, restore and deepen the quality and purpose of relationships in my own life.

The structure of the book is a little awkward because even though it has two authors they write as one. I was somewhat distracted by this especially when they would tell a personal illustration but not say who's story it was. I was surprised that at the beginning of each chapter they had a lengthy excerpt form a secular song. And I was concerned at the couple of quotes they positively sited from Donald Miller of the Emergent Church movement. The one other hang-up I had was due to the multiple Scripture references quoted from The Message translation.

Overall this was a beneficial read. Perhaps a better book addressing the heart of godly relationships would be Jerry Bridges book The Crisis of Caring: Recovering the Meaning of True Fellowship. However I would still recommend Relationships: A Mess Worth Making and here are some excerpts from my two favorite chapters:

Chapter 5-Agendas
p. 43

The default question we ought to bring to every area of life should be, "What is God's purpose and design? What was his reason for creating this?" When you apply these questions to relationships you begin to see how different his agenda is from your own. We would easily settle for our own definition of personal happiness when God's purpose is nothing short of conforming us to the image of Christ! Whether we are conscious of it or not, we all have dreams for our relationships, and we are always working to realize those dreams. How close is your dream to God's purpose?

Chapter 9-Forgiveness
p. 95

The metaphor of debt cancellation (Matthew 18:21-35) clearly defines the nature of forgiveness. The merciful king absorbed $100, 000 debt that was owed him. When you forgive someone, you also cancel a debt. But, more specifically, you make a conscious choice to absorb the cost yourself. You choose not to make the offender pay for the offense. By forfeiting....you make at least three promises.You promise that you will not bring up the debt to use it as leverage. You promise that you will not bring up the offense to others and slander the person who sinned against you....You promise not to dwell on the offense yourself.

On the top of the back cover it reads, "Hope for messy, conflict-ridden relationships": unless you are prideful, blind, or live in a cave that sentence will appeal to you. Tripp and Lane once again deliver an impressive book. Relationships are messy but through 15 chapters the authors show us that they are indeed a mess worth making. Inside this excellent work you will find advice for conversations, apologies, forgiveness, mercy, how to use your time and money, and much more. But more importantly each chapter is gospel-saturated. This book does not only define the problem it offers the only biblical solution--Christ and Him crucified.

This seems like such a petty thing to say...but...the cover really turns me off to the book. It makes it look like a book for high school students. Either that or something that a grandmother made and she just had to get all of her grandkids on the cover. UPDATE: Thankfully since this review was first published they changed the cover! Great decision.

Inside, one thing concerns me and that is the use of The Message for many Scripture passages. While I find that paraphrase helpful at times, I think a fair amount of people are turned off to it. I sincerely hope that it does not distract from the beautiful message of this book. One other, minor disappointment that I hope gets corrected in the second edition (if there is one), is that the authors refer to the wrong James as the author of the Epistle of James. Easy mistake, but again I hope it does not hurt their credibility. These dislikes are minor and the overall tenor of this book is phenomenal.

If every member of our churches followed the biblical guidelines outlined in this book then our churches would be much healthier places. Once again Tripp and Lane bring us to the foot of the Cross and therein points us to healing in our relationships.

This is one of the best books written on the subject from a distinctly Christian viewpoint but valuable for non-Christians as well.

The authors begin their book with "the shortest and most important chapter" which describes their working relationship. To hear it, The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation made a toxic mistake when they placed these two counselors together. Lane and Tripp realized their only hope was to take the prescription they'd given so many of their own clients over the years. They would have to take a biblical prescription. That task was difficult. This chapter gives hope to many who will pick up the book because there's someone in their life that they just can't get along with.
The authors make a compelling biblical case when they say that relationships are worth the pain and trouble they cause. They work through James, Romans, and Ephesians 4 extensively. They also quote C.S. Lewis: "When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."
All relationship problems are a result of sin. Usually that sin takes shape when secondary things are served first. We have many possible idols in our hearts that we prefer to serve over Christ. It could be comfort, pleasure, the demand for recognition, respect, power, control, or acceptance. And some of us choose to live in self-protective isolation while others say they need relationships in order to live.
All relationships require active mercy and forgiveness. To forgive is to choose to bear the cost of the relationship sin on yourself. You can tell how practiced you are in this area by checking your checkbook and your schedule. The point is, forgiveness is not just an event. It's a process.
The authors say that forgiveness does not mean peace at all costs. In fact, when I place myself at your service, when I choose to take the cost of your sin on myself, then I may be able to minister hope and grace to you. I might even have to graciously confront you.
All in all, a highly practical book on the cost of discipleship.

I can't say enough about this book. Anyone who is frustrated by the inevitable conflicts that arise in any relationship will benefit from reading this book. Using Biblical principals, the authors guide you through the purpose God has in cleaning up the mess we make through human interactions with each other. By applying the Gospel to our lives moment by moment we can become more like Christ THROUGH the experiences, hardships, and joys of our relationships. Through honest communication, humble confession of wrong, and willing, joyful forgiveness we can grow! I personally have benefited from the principles in this book in my marriage relationship, my relationships with my children, and my relationships with family and friends. I highly recommend this insightful, bible-saturated book!

I'm the person that NEVER leaves reviews but this book is really something special- I had to. The way I found this book is interesting. I was searching the web looking for something that speaks about trouble within a Christian relationship and what God says about it. I found a article that just so happened to be the first chapter of this book. I shared it with my boyfriend and it helped us both see relationships the way God intended them to be. So I just had to get the whole book.

I've read a lot of books about relationships but this is the best I've ever had the pleasure of reading. I had to thank God for this one, it's a blessing. Also thank you to the two men that wrote this book, it helps in ways you might never know. This is a must read for every Christian!

I just finished this book and I already want to read it again. I underlined and highlighted continually, and have already recommended it to so many. The book surprised me...I thought it was going to be methods and suggestions for improving relationships. Instead, the authors offer the transforming power of the gospel of Jesus Christ for relational life. I really needed to read this!

At first I thought this book was just going to be another stupid book about relationships, but as I began to read I quickly realized that this was going to be a stupid book about relationships. But Tim Lane and Paul Tripp approached this book differently than what I expected. They were not only showing me what a biblical relationship looks like with other brothers and sisters in Christ, but they were also reminding me that all relationships have an inner relationship and that one is with God. And when you have a problem in your relationships with others, you need to start looking deeper in your relationship with God. This whole book I was challenge and now I am starting to look at relationships from a whole new perspective. God's perspective and how do these relationships glorify and honor God. I definitely recommend this book.

This book has effectively changed everything I ever thought I knew about relationships for the better. A friend got this book for me and every chapter brought about some form of radical change in my thought process pertaining to my expectations and approach to my relationships with friends, family, everything!! An essential read!! Buy it!

Loved this book. Purchased after I was frustrated with several guy/girl relationships that had gone sour. Was better than expected because it dealt with the real issue - your heart and sin vs giving you formulas or tricks to be better at relationships. Highly recommend if you are serious about changing your behaviors and attitudes towards others.