Customer Reviews

Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(12)
3 star:		(14)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I'm handy, so I installed one.

I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works.

As I was surfing the web in my three wolf moon shirt and zebra pants, i realized I was stressed. Amazon is the mac to my cheese, so I took a detour to find what wonderful relaxation item would be in my future. Little did I know it was the beginning of the rest of my life. I passed the stress balls and back massagers, no, i was searching for something to really cure my American middleclass anxiety. And then I found it. The Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. It was the answer to everything. My life would be perfect if this item were only in it. The only thing standing in the way was my debt on the red mustang I bought after college. But there was no going back. I turned to my lifesize replica of Darth Vador's suit, and he assured me that my future was set. My credit card emerged from my unique, flannel wallet and I struggled to read the three most precious numbers in my life, being smeared away by this trusty card's constant use. Finally, I clicked buy.
About a week later I received the letter. I was being audited. I was struck by the irony of my Relaxman Relaxation Capsule's planned arrival in two weeks. Two weeks too late. As luck would have it, I had missed many payments, and my debt was not looking its best. With the fines and forced payment notices I was receiving, I just knew my telemarketing career would not fix this unavoidable mess. And then I realized it. I could rent out my new purchase, the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule, and make the money back in no time. I resolved not to use it until I was out of this mess.
I put out ads in the newspaper, magazines, on telephone poles, in front of urinals, u name it. And can you imagine the response I received! There were so many people, I had to schedule them one month in advance! Then came the first client. He said he was upset over the death of his girlfriend after she had cheated on him. He claimed he felt bad about what happened to her, and needed to clear his head. So, of course I let him in. Who would be so cruel as to let an innocent soul be without a Relaxman Relaxation Capsule?
He paid me, got in, and I closed the contraption. There were a few muffled grunts that I took to be of him getting comfortable, and the next hour was just me and Guild Wars, the way its supposed to be. When the timer rang, I walked over to tell my client his time was up, my next "costomer" would be arriving shortly. I opened the hatch, and was suprised at his appearance. His skin had a grayish hew, and was wrinkled as of leather, which reminded me that I wanted a leather jacket before it got cold. I supposed I had simply overlooked this strange appearance before, and I shook him to get him to wake. He opened his eyes, the whites being much more yellow than I'd remembered, and he stood and walked out the front door.
This repeated itself with every client, I supposed it was the light after a while, but I found their unwillingness to talk after the experience rude. Over the next three months, I must have served 500 people. And with my constant inflation of prices, my debt was being paid slowly but surely. I was feeling so proud that I decided I would use my Relaxman Relaxation Capsule for the first time since I'd bought it, but then I saw her. One of the women who had rented my amazon purchasebut the day before, walking towards me on the sidewalk. She had a blank expression, and the leather skin and yellow eyes seemed more prominent now than when she had left. I was disturbed, but said hello as passing to be polite. Not a blink in response.
That night I decided to turn on the television. It had been months since i left my trusty computer for anything, but i wanted to watch Lord of the Rings on my barely used, 48 inch, flatscreen TV. As I pressed power, a shocking story poured from my speakers:
"And the horror continues. These mindless drones of humans will stop at nothing but a head wound to consume us. Be wary, they are everywhere. There is an estimated 600 walking the streets, having caused more than 3,000 deaths, lets hope that whatever is causing this stops, and that the epidemic stays contained to our city."
I was baffled. I guess i don't get out as much as I ought to. From the sound of it, there were zombies roaming the streets. It was only an hour later when I realized it: I was making the zombies! In a state of panic, I thought of how close I'd been to using my Relaxman Relaxation Capsule, thank Star Wars I had gotten distracted by LOTR. I ran over to inspect the machine to inspect it. nothing unusual. Just some yellow goop smeared on the top that I hadn't noticed before. I decided that enough was enough. I pushed the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule to the curb for any idio to claim. Suprisingly, it was taken within a few hours. I guess there are many more zombies appearing each day, destroying the city, but I stay inside, so it doesn't affect me much. A least I gave away the Capsule, which was mighty selfless of me, considering I'd never used it and paid so much for it. Anyway, alls well that ends well, and now I have a good story to tell, so it was worth the money.

The Product Description fails to mention a very important issue. When used below the equator, the Relaxman's negative-ion atmosphere actually becomes a positive-ion atmosphere. Consequently, far from relaxing you, it will only make you angrier and angrier. If a user doesn't recognize this in time, obviously the results could be tragic.

It's not clear if the Biotonus Clinic - which, being world famous, obviously needs no introduction - simply wasn't planning on marketing this product in, say, sub-Saharan Africa. But as Madonna's recent humanitarian visit illustrates, there are desperately impoverished countries like Malawi that may be equally desperate in their search for relaxation. If that search leads them to the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule... well, I'd rather not think about it.

On a side note: since it costs only a Lincoln short of 40 large, I assume the Relaxman will be included in the ban of luxury-good imports to North Korea. I hope that the deciding bodies at the United Nations will consider making an exception in this one case. That Kim Jong-Il seems a little wound up. Who knows? The Relaxman's brand of environmental therapy might end up easing tensions throughout the whole Korean peninsula.

I climbed into my Relaxman Capsule and found myself in a beautiful snowy forest. Then I met a faun, and I was going to run away because he looked scary, but he offered me candy and a ride to his house, so I figured it was okay. Afterwards he told me to return with my brother and sisters. So we all squeezed into the Relaxman, but the White Witch was there first, and she turned everyone but me into inflatable dolls and I ran away while she was blowing them up, or at least I think that's what she was doing. I escaped into the woods and got chased by a bunch of wolves who tried to bite me, but they ran off when a unicorn came and made me play leapfrog. After the mishap, he told me I needed SRS, so he took me to the nearby multiverse-famous Biotonus Clinic, where he dropped me on the sidewalk and fled when he saw the security guard. The doorman rummaged through my pockets and tried to turn me away because my insurance didn't cover impalation upon the horn of an imaginary beast, but the delirium was setting in and I mumbled something about being king on my home planet. It turned out I had a receipt from Burger King in my wallet, so he believed me. He took me to a room in the mental wing with a big throne. At least they told me it was a throne, but when I took a close look I saw it was a folding chair. Actually there were two folding chairs, and I later found out that the other one belonged to the White Witch. I caught her sneaking in at 2AM hiding a Wookiee under her dress. I tried to call the guards, but she said the more the merrier, and the desk clerk just laughed and grabbed a camera. The Wookiee was looking at me and making funny noises and drooling, and Queen ordered me to assume the position. I didn't know what that meant but it didn't sound good and the Wookiee had halitosis, so I jumped out the window and ran back to my Relaxman. When I got home I chopped up the capsule with an axe so the Queen wouldn't come after me. Then I remembered the Queen still had my siblings, so I took the Relaxman back to the world-famous Biotonus Clinic for repairs, and they opened another portal in the space-time continuum. My brother and sisters were annoyed to find themselves in Switzerland, especially since they had discovered the Queen was really a lot of fun once you got to know her. She turned out to be a latent submissive, and she had been waiting all her life for some dominants to come along and make a real Queen of her. I had never really thought about it, but it must be very hard being a Queen, having everybody do what you say all the time. It just goes to show that you never really know someone until you've walked in their spiked heels while you tie them up and whip them.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

This is way too large a capsule to swallow. After purchasing, I decided to stick with Valium for my relaxation needs.

Amazon should be more careful who they sell to.

I thought I'd signed up for a short relaxation session, and the next thing I know, I wake up in some crazy "scientific laboratory" being harassed by a computer voice. This place is totally not safe. They've tried to shoot me, thrown energy pellets at me. You would not BELIEVE the federal regulations they've got to be breaking. I'm pretty sure these guys are NOT following the steps in the owner's manual at all.

And the worst thing of all? Definitely still not relaxed. Every step I take could be my last. And through it all, SHE WON'T SHUT UP. I'm not fat. I'm not brain damaged. I don't know if I'm adopted, actually, that could be true. But she promised me cake. Where's my cake?

I love my new relaxman, now that I have learned some tips on using it correcty. I always thought I was a pretty relaxed guy. You would be, too, if you had 40,000 USD plus shipping to drop on baubles like this euro-deco techno-pop "relaxation capsule" based on a few vague sentences like promises to reduce "sleep imbalance."

Anyhoo, just be careful when getting the thing going. First of all, 110V MEANS 110V, no matter what your know-it-all neighbor says about how all European stuff is 220 so we should plug it into the dryer connection in the garage. Big Mistake #1.

OK. Mistake #2 coming up. Soundproof means SOUND-PROOF. So don't assume that the family will hear you screaming to get out once the voltage error sets the interior techno music and lighting to a high-rev mind-jarring terror-inducing tempo.

Finally, a flat surface, as mentioned in the user's guide, is a must. Suppose you finally DO manage to relax but can't open the door after 50 minutes so you start trying to get attention. An occupant kicking and banging on the interior surface can actually get this sleek, streamlined capsule to slide down a gently sloping driveway and into traffic. If it does get into traffic, even on a lightly-travelled street, and causes a Mercedes-Benz driver to collide with a parked Hummer - do NOT get out and start yelling with the driver. This is for a couple reasons. First, you are too relaxed to argue effectively. Second, you are naked because you figured when you got in that clothing would interfere with the relaxation process.

So here you are in the middle of the street having just got out of a tub of water and completely relaxed and completely naked, and I don't care how forcefully you make your case, and I don't care if the lady is old and has a wimpy husband, right now next to you he looks pretty good. And with all the commotion you might not even notice the patrol car.

Let's call this whole chain of events Big Mistake #3.

I hope I didn't scare you off this product. Trust me, those Swiss know a thing or two about relaxation. Just be careful when first using it.

Before I got this I'd just been locking myself into a closet or the trunk of my car with my ipod and some essential oils and that was working just fine, but my husband didn't like it so he bought me this. Unfortunately due to the price we've lost our home and have taken to living in the capsule outside our local Walmart. We are both very relaxed about it, but I do miss my house sometimes. However, the capsule is waterproof, stays surpisingly cool in the summer (probably due to the white exterior), and is pretty roomy considering that it is intended for one person. My advice though, save up for it. The resale price for this kind of luxury is really low.

I can't recommend this car. Yes, it looks cool but I think I was bedazzled by the sleek white form and neglected to notice they don't supply you with tires. I nailed on a couple of wheels and then discovered there was no steering wheel. This wouldn't be so bad, since the engine is exremely weak (although it sure is quiet!), however I wanted to show it off on the streets a little. I found that it moved if I gave it a little shove and was at the top of a hill. However, when I got in and closed the gull-wing door, wouldn't you know it...I fell asleep! As advertised, it certainly relaxed me. I was so relaxed I woke up 2 months later in a hospital bed and apparently with some minor brain damage. Overall, I'd say as a car it was sub-par. Really not much better than the Ford Pinto I was driving before.

I really have mixed feelings.

In the product description, it mentions taking a 50 minute nap. That number is not arbitrary. The description fails to inform the purchaser that the unit is airtight and only contains 60 minutes worth of air, max.

When my unit was delivered, I was eager to try it out. My neighbor, however, begged and pleaded and I finally allowed him to use it before me. I made the right choice. My friend slept so soundly (the unit really works!) that he failed to notice the decline in oxygen supply. Meanwhile, I had no idea what was going on. After 17 hours I decided enough was enough, it was my turn to sleep in this thing, but when I opened the unit I found he was gone and had already started to smell.

Fortunately, Stress Less accepted the return at a full refund, no questions asked. Then, following the funeral of my friend, I was invited to the reading of his will. He left me his collection of vintage Batman comics!

I really have mixed feelings. The suffocation issue should have been a clearly marked warning. The Batman comics might make up for the oversight. Three stars.