Not Remembered Never Forgotten [Paperback]

Robert Hafetz (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 28, 2008

“I am Robert, but once I had another name. As an infant I was held and loved by two women, one who would give me up, and another who raised me and loved me more than life itself. I suppose I should consider myself blessed to have been loved by two mothers when most of us get only one, and some none.” Who am I, where did I come from? Why do I feel lost, incomplete, and isolated? These questions haunted my for my entire life growing stronger as time passed by. I finally chose to find my answers and this is my story. It’s about my methodology, how it changed me, and who I became at its final destination. Not Remembered Never Forgotten is an examination of the resolution of an adoptee’s emotional memories and the search for the authentic self. Not knowing his name at birth, and barred by archaic secrecy laws that seal adoption records forever, the author searched back through fifty years of his past to find the truth that would redefine the essence of who he is.

Product Details

• Paperback: 134 pages
• Publisher: BookSurge Publishing (April 28, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1419692585
• ISBN-13: 978-1419692581
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,193,470 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Adopted Child Searches for his Roots, March 30, 2009

By 

Bryan Carey "Bryan Carey" (Houston, TX) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Not Remembered Never Forgotten (Paperback)

It is difficult for someone who was not adopted to relate to those who have been adopted and while I cannot possibly know what this is like, I am pretty sure I would want to know something about my birth mother and father. Author Robert Hafetz discovered that he was adopted and in his later adult years, he set out to find his mother and information about his other family members. He made up his mind that he would find his real mother no matter how long it took and he presents his frustrations, emotions, and ultimate triumph in the pages of Not Remembered, Never Forgotten. The author uses the internet and other tools to slowly find out more about his family. He uncovers clues about his grandparents, his family origins, and more. He even discovers, much to his delight, that he has several brothers and cannot wait to meet them in person. He also finds out about his real birth mother and finally experiences a sense of closure.

This book offers an emotional roller- coaster ride that changes with each turn of the pages. The author doesn't know what to expect and he must be prepared for the worst at all times. What if he cannot locate his mother? What if she has no interest in seeing or knowing anything about him? What if he discovers that he was given up for adoption because he was not wanted? These thoughts enter Hafetz's mind on more than one occasion and he shares these concerns with the reader as he writes. He realizes that he may not like what he finds, but he is determined to seek out his natural birth mother and accept whatever happens, good or bad, during each step of the process.

Books like these are difficult not to like, due to the subject matter and the ultimate satisfaction of the book's conclusion. But there are a few things about this book that make it less enjoyable than it otherwise would be. First, this book is a little too brief and it cuts to the chase a little too quickly. Part of the reason for this is the way the book was written. The very brief chapters/sections that comprise most of the book read like they were taken from a personal diary. They don't read the way a book should read; often contain multiple thoughts in the same paragraph that would have been better split into a few paragraphs; and offer little development in the presentation of the author's thoughts and in the telling of his story. Next, I found it somewhat puzzling that the author was so obsessed with finding out about his birth mother, but only lukewarm about his birth father. He offers only a small amount of information as to why he felt this way, leaving the reader with a feeling of puzzlement. He didn't know much about either his natural birth mother or father but for some reason, his mother was the one that mattered.

One pleasant surprise with this book is the inclusion of the essays at the end. There are five of these essays and each one reads more like a personal story or reflection. These essays offer some good insight into adoption and they are a refreshing change from the diary- like reading that encompasses most of the book. The problem, however, is that they are all very short. Just when the author is getting warmed up, the essay comes to a close.

Having not been adopted, it is difficult for me to relate to someone who experienced adoption first hand. I can say that I have tried to relate, but trying is really all that I can do because unless one has experienced something like this directly, it would be difficult to understand completely what this would be like. The author makes a determined effort to convey his thoughts and feelings and I have no doubt that he was elated when his livelong journey finally came to an end. A little more concentration on the story and his own life events leading up to his decision to search for his birth family, along with some more comments and reflections on adoption, would make this book a better read. But it is still a good book, full of emotions at every turn and with a conclusion that, while not ideal, is still satisfying and complete.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Grief: A Journey to Healing, April 1, 2009

By 

Grady Harp (Los Angeles, CA United States) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Not Remembered Never Forgotten (Paperback)

Robert Hafetz has written a book that should appeal to all readers. Possibly comosed for the wide audience of adopted persons, adopting parents, and parents who have given up their children for adoption, most readers will be rewarded with gaining an entirely new insight into the world of adoption. NOT REMEMBERED NEVER FORGOTTEN is well written, informative, sensitive, and it also happens to be a fine detective story.

Hafetz takes us through the process upon which he embarked at age 52, after the passing of his adoptive parents, to find his true identity: he longed to find his birth mother and connect with his genetic past. How he and his wife accomplished this through hours and days and months of research and painful examination is a lesson in perseverance. Few of the readers will have the detailed information of how adoption is set up and the enormous amount of paperwork and legal aspects of secrecy and the ingenious and time consuming steps required to discover birth parents. But what makes Hafetz' book so fascinating to read is the journey he made to relieve the grief of not knowing his birth mother and the countless loving people who aided him at every level of his investigation.

After Hafetz ends the story of his successful search to connect with his genetic family he offers postscript essays on the subject of adoption and family, writing that suggests how successful he has become as an advisor to the various groups of needy people he tends. This is a very warm, fascinating book that reads like a fine mystery, yet informs us about the myriad aspects of feelings that the people involved in the various roles of adoption face. Grady Harp, April 09

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Not Remembered, Never Forgotten, March 4, 2009

By 

Donna Aviles "Author: Beyond The Orphan Train" (Delaware) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Not Remembered Never Forgotten (Paperback)

A beautiful, heartwarming - as well as heart wrenching - true story of loss, longing, and acceptance, NOT REMEMBERED NEVER FORGOTTEN is a book that I will not soon forget. Robert Hafetz is a "sibling of circumstance" with all those who have been a part of the adoption experience. Although there are many books on adoption journeys, Mr. Hafetz's approach not only covers his search to find his birth mother, her family, and his possible half siblings, he also addresses the almost always overlooked connection between infant and birth mother.

A therapist in the Pennsylvania Mental Health system, Mr. Hafetz explains, from a professional viewpoint yet with clarity for the layperson, the feelings that cannot be put into words when experienced before the infant has the ability to speak or the maturity of mind to comprehend fully. The notion that a newborn will "not remember" is an assumption that has been proven to be false time and again.

Although I am not a member of the adoption triad (birth mother/child/adoptive family), I found myself wondering if this connection that cannot be remembered but likewise is never forgotten, could also hold true with those who have lost their mothers at a very young age through death, divorce, or other permanent separation. I found Mr. Hafetz's explanations of this pre-cognitive period of human development to be quite fascinating.

Along the way of his compelling search, Mr. Hafetz remarks frequently on the surprise assistance from strangers who have nothing to gain from aiding him in his quest. As one who stands outside the triad, I did not find that surprising at all. Those of us who know our birth mothers have a visceral comprehension of just what Mr. Hafetz is searching for and therefore would almost always be willing to help.

As the adoption process has evolved over the decades, it seems that there is some growing recognition of this early bond as we watch states move away from the secrecy of adoption to a more open and communicative approach. While that change is slow in coming, the access of the adult adoptee to his or her birth records would seem to be a basic right as a citizen that all states should be enforcing.

On a more technical note, the book itself is very well done. The front cover design is amazing both in its symbolism and quality. The back is similarly professional. There are very few interior errors - all of which are easily overlooked by the reader due to the fast paced, "I'm right there with you" storyline. The only thing I might add would be an index since there were several times I tried to go back and find things to read again.