Customer Reviews

Not Remembered Never Forgotten

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It is difficult for someone who was not adopted to relate to those who have been adopted and while I cannot possibly know what this is like, I am pretty sure I would want to know something about my birth mother and father. Author Robert Hafetz discovered that he was adopted and in his later adult years, he set out to find his mother and information about his other family members. He made up his mind that he would find his real mother no matter how long it took and he presents his frustrations, emotions, and ultimate triumph in the pages of Not Remembered, Never Forgotten. The author uses the internet and other tools to slowly find out more about his family. He uncovers clues about his grandparents, his family origins, and more. He even discovers, much to his delight, that he has several brothers and cannot wait to meet them in person. He also finds out about his real birth mother and finally experiences a sense of closure.

This book offers an emotional roller- coaster ride that changes with each turn of the pages. The author doesn't know what to expect and he must be prepared for the worst at all times. What if he cannot locate his mother? What if she has no interest in seeing or knowing anything about him? What if he discovers that he was given up for adoption because he was not wanted? These thoughts enter Hafetz's mind on more than one occasion and he shares these concerns with the reader as he writes. He realizes that he may not like what he finds, but he is determined to seek out his natural birth mother and accept whatever happens, good or bad, during each step of the process.

Books like these are difficult not to like, due to the subject matter and the ultimate satisfaction of the book's conclusion. But there are a few things about this book that make it less enjoyable than it otherwise would be. First, this book is a little too brief and it cuts to the chase a little too quickly. Part of the reason for this is the way the book was written. The very brief chapters/sections that comprise most of the book read like they were taken from a personal diary. They don't read the way a book should read; often contain multiple thoughts in the same paragraph that would have been better split into a few paragraphs; and offer little development in the presentation of the author's thoughts and in the telling of his story. Next, I found it somewhat puzzling that the author was so obsessed with finding out about his birth mother, but only lukewarm about his birth father. He offers only a small amount of information as to why he felt this way, leaving the reader with a feeling of puzzlement. He didn't know much about either his natural birth mother or father but for some reason, his mother was the one that mattered.

One pleasant surprise with this book is the inclusion of the essays at the end. There are five of these essays and each one reads more like a personal story or reflection. These essays offer some good insight into adoption and they are a refreshing change from the diary- like reading that encompasses most of the book. The problem, however, is that they are all very short. Just when the author is getting warmed up, the essay comes to a close.

Having not been adopted, it is difficult for me to relate to someone who experienced adoption first hand. I can say that I have tried to relate, but trying is really all that I can do because unless one has experienced something like this directly, it would be difficult to understand completely what this would be like. The author makes a determined effort to convey his thoughts and feelings and I have no doubt that he was elated when his livelong journey finally came to an end. A little more concentration on the story and his own life events leading up to his decision to search for his birth family, along with some more comments and reflections on adoption, would make this book a better read. But it is still a good book, full of emotions at every turn and with a conclusion that, while not ideal, is still satisfying and complete.

A beautiful, heartwarming - as well as heart wrenching - true story of loss, longing, and acceptance, NOT REMEMBERED NEVER FORGOTTEN is a book that I will not soon forget. Robert Hafetz is a "sibling of circumstance" with all those who have been a part of the adoption experience. Although there are many books on adoption journeys, Mr. Hafetz's approach not only covers his search to find his birth mother, her family, and his possible half siblings, he also addresses the almost always overlooked connection between infant and birth mother.

A therapist in the Pennsylvania Mental Health system, Mr. Hafetz explains, from a professional viewpoint yet with clarity for the layperson, the feelings that cannot be put into words when experienced before the infant has the ability to speak or the maturity of mind to comprehend fully. The notion that a newborn will "not remember" is an assumption that has been proven to be false time and again.

Although I am not a member of the adoption triad (birth mother/child/adoptive family), I found myself wondering if this connection that cannot be remembered but likewise is never forgotten, could also hold true with those who have lost their mothers at a very young age through death, divorce, or other permanent separation. I found Mr. Hafetz's explanations of this pre-cognitive period of human development to be quite fascinating.

Along the way of his compelling search, Mr. Hafetz remarks frequently on the surprise assistance from strangers who have nothing to gain from aiding him in his quest. As one who stands outside the triad, I did not find that surprising at all. Those of us who know our birth mothers have a visceral comprehension of just what Mr. Hafetz is searching for and therefore would almost always be willing to help.

As the adoption process has evolved over the decades, it seems that there is some growing recognition of this early bond as we watch states move away from the secrecy of adoption to a more open and communicative approach. While that change is slow in coming, the access of the adult adoptee to his or her birth records would seem to be a basic right as a citizen that all states should be enforcing.

On a more technical note, the book itself is very well done. The front cover design is amazing both in its symbolism and quality. The back is similarly professional. There are very few interior errors - all of which are easily overlooked by the reader due to the fast paced, "I'm right there with you" storyline. The only thing I might add would be an index since there were several times I tried to go back and find things to read again.

Robert Hafetz has written a book that should appeal to all readers. Possibly comosed for the wide audience of adopted persons, adopting parents, and parents who have given up their children for adoption, most readers will be rewarded with gaining an entirely new insight into the world of adoption. NOT REMEMBERED NEVER FORGOTTEN is well written, informative, sensitive, and it also happens to be a fine detective story.

Hafetz takes us through the process upon which he embarked at age 52, after the passing of his adoptive parents, to find his true identity: he longed to find his birth mother and connect with his genetic past. How he and his wife accomplished this through hours and days and months of research and painful examination is a lesson in perseverance. Few of the readers will have the detailed information of how adoption is set up and the enormous amount of paperwork and legal aspects of secrecy and the ingenious and time consuming steps required to discover birth parents. But what makes Hafetz' book so fascinating to read is the journey he made to relieve the grief of not knowing his birth mother and the countless loving people who aided him at every level of his investigation.

After Hafetz ends the story of his successful search to connect with his genetic family he offers postscript essays on the subject of adoption and family, writing that suggests how successful he has become as an advisor to the various groups of needy people he tends. This is a very warm, fascinating book that reads like a fine mystery, yet informs us about the myriad aspects of feelings that the people involved in the various roles of adoption face. Grady Harp, April 09

Not Remembered, Never Forgotten by Robert Hafetz is an insightful look at the wounds of an adoptee. Hafetz knew from early childhood that he was adopted, and while he always fostered an interest in the identity of his biological parents, he didn't want to hurt his mother by pursuing the search, so he waited until she has passed away. Finally at the age of 51, Hafetz set out to discover who he was and why he had been given up for adoption. He follows the story of his investigation through adoption agencies, forums, and even a psychic, but where the book really shines is in his portrayal of the feelings of an adopted child. He poses a fascinating theory that all babies recognize their mothers at birth because of their nine months together, so when a baby is then adopted, they keenly feel the loss, although it's one they can never put into words. Hafetz eventually discovers the truth about his birth mother, including the fact that she visited him regularly during the first five months of his life while he was in foster care, leading him to believe that while she is not remembered, neither will she ever be forgotten by the son who knew he was cherished. Hafetz is still searching for his biological father and offers information in the book in hopes that a reader may connect him. The book is a powerful reminder of the connection that mothers have with their unborn children, and about the necessity of changing laws to allow adoptees more access to their records once they reach adulthood.

Many of those that have been adopted at any age in their life wonder just who their original mother and father were. How could my mother have given me up for adoption? How could she not want me enough to keep me, love me, and bring me through life as most mothers do with their child? Robert Hafetz was one such child that was placed by his mother for adoption and Robert had questioned those things most of his life. He finally decided to start the search for his family, not knowing if he would have any success in finding them or if they would still be alive. His search is very interesting and sent him on a long road in time and miles with much research through all the ways he could think of and those he learned along the way.

Robert knew when and where he was born which gave him a place to start. Fifty-two years was a long time ago. Would he be able to find enough family members to expand his search? What was his birth name? What medical conditions did his family have? The Internet was a great place to start. Once he found any connection he started writing, emailing, phoning, any way he might get some leads. He contacted Adoption Agencies in New Jersey, where he was born, hoping that they would have information for him.

Robert's search was long and tedious but certainly not tiring when progress was made. His story tells of his many contacts and the information he did find that allowed him to continue further. He tells of those things along with the information he could not find and that which was not legally obtainable because of certain laws, especially the state of New Jersey's laws that prohibited certain things to be released. While these laws helped privacy, they stopped cold the information available at certain stages.

Not Remembered, Never Forgotten is a poignant story of Robert Hafetz and his quest to find the mother that had given him up for adoption over fifty years before.

Many adoptees live their lives with the question: Why did my mother give me up? It doesn't seem to matter whether or not the home they grew up in was loving and caring. The question is still there and every adoptee asks it at some point in their lives.

Many adoptees decide to find out more about their birth mothers and fathers. Many others decide not to. But for those who do, their quest is more than just for a human being. It is a quest to know about one's roots. For some reason, thousands of adoptees feel there's something missing from their lives that no amount of money can take away.

That inexplicable bond that occurs between a mother and the child she gives birth to echoes through both mother and child, no matter the circumstances between the pregnancy, birth and adoption. Many mothers and children feel something missing their entire lives and spend their entire lives with a memory they can't reconcile.

This is the journey Robert Hafetz took. Not Remembered Never Forgotten allows us into Robert's search for his mother and birth family, what he finds when he gets there and the relationships that he establishes on the way. He discovers a family he never knew, siblings he never had, and a connection between his birth mother and wife that is simply uncanny.

Enjoy this journey with Robert.

Robert Hafetz was adopted as a baby and while he was raised by a loving family, he felt there was something missing in his life and longed to find his birth mother. His adopted mother didn't like to talk about his birth mother so he was left with a lot of unanswered questions. It wasn't until after both his parents were dead that he tried to find his birth mother.

"Not Remembered Never Forgotten" is Robert Hafetz's sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes heartwarming story of his search for his birth mother. The book is written in "real time" as Hafetz search for clues about his mother, which is a nice touch since readers go on the same journey as Hafetz does and share in his joys and disappointments. His book is a good look at the adoption system - what made his mother give him up for adoption; what happened when she did so; and how hard it was for him to find out the truth about his past. In many ways it is amazing that he was able to find out as much as he did, given what little he had to work with. The different methods he used to find his mother (including using a psychic) are fascinating to read about. Because this is real life, his story takes many twists and turns and his journey isn't always a happy one and he doesn't necessarily get all the answers he wants. Hafetz is clearly not happy with the adoption system and this book is indeed an eye-opener about that system. While this book was about his journey to find his birth mother, I was left wanting to know more about Hafetz as a person - his life with his adopted family and his current life with his wife and children.

"Not Remembered Never Forgotten" is an insightful look at adoption and what it's like to live your life not knowing who you are or where you came from.

In my life I have known several people that were adopted as a baby and some that were not that genuinely hoped that they were. Among the first group the desire to learn of their birth parents and other relatives cut across a broad swath. Some had no desire at all to learn of their birth parents; others just wanted information equivalent to a medical heads-up about possible genetic predisposition towards diseases and others had an overwhelming desire to find their birth family.
When members of the latter group asked my advice I always said that they must understand that their desires are not the only ones present in the situation, the people they are searching for may not want to be found. Giving a child up for adoption is a traumatic event that some people don't want to revisit. Furthermore, they had to be prepared for what they might find if their search is successful. It is easy to fantasize everyone being kind and joyous over being reunited when the reality could be something quite different. It is not impossible that they could find relatives whose only interest would be to exploit their long lost relatives.
Hafetz was adopted as a baby and fifty years later experiences an overpowering desire to learn about his birth parents. He begins the search and it proceeds in fits and starts, he encounters dead-ends and promising leads. The adoption took place in New Jersey and that state has some rigid non-disclosure laws regarding adoption. This proved to be a hurdle, although not an insurmountable one. Using what information that he was allowed to obtain from the state, some logical deduction, searches on the Internet and some fortunate cold calls to likely people, Hafetz was able to learn about his birth mother and her relatives. His conclusion was that his birth mother gave a fictitious name regarding the identity of the father, so he reached a complete dead end there.
Your reaction to this story will depend a great deal on your position concerning the transparency of adoption records. If your position is that children that were adopted have the right to know their birth family, then this will be an uplifting story of struggle for identity. However, if you have serious questions whether this is a right that adopted children have then you might look at Hafetz as a selfish person that pursued his goals without regard to the potential feelings of others. His is a success story with a happy ending of relatives that were joyous at the reunion. I wonder how many other stories there are where the members of the birth family were not as excited as the ones described here when the adopted child attempted to re-enter their lives.