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Remembering: The Death of a Child

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Book Review
Remembering the Death of a Child
By Robert R. Thompson, M.D.

This excellent book of "Support and Healing, Hope and Inspiration" is the story of a couple's grief journey after the tragic loss of their son, Paul Leslie Thompson. Even though Dr. Thompson is a physician and all too familiar with death, nothing could have prepared him and his wife for the acute grieving process that lay ahead of them. Dr. Thompson describes his experience with these words:
"The death of a child takes you on a journey like a hawk carries a rabbit through the sky. It eventually drops you either dead or wounded. What you see and do on the journey is up to you. The journey itself is not."
Dr. Thompson invites the reader to join him and his wife on their journey through grief. He explains their need to see, feel and hold their son after the accident. He tells of the funeral plans and how they made it through the ceremony in a zombie-like state. He admits that although he and his wife are practicing Christians, they sometimes felt too numb to pray and were not sure what to say to God. They tried to make sense of it all, but couldn't. "I thought then and still believe, that the pain of losing a child derives in part from the anger we feel that the natural cycle of life has been interrupted."
Dr. Thompson then gently lets us know what was helpful to the couple as they faced their grief. "We took consolation where we could find it," he remembers. Both were grateful to have each other and to be able to share the journey with their other two sons, parents and other family members. The recollection of last words spoken and the memories shared were appreciated and represented little drops of soothing oil on the wounded hearts. The loving and caring friends who took over in the house and who just sat and listened were of great consolation. Touch was also very important in the healing process. "Handshakes were not enough. Embraces were required and each hug squeezed out a new burst of anguish." Almost every decision was validated with the words, "Paul would have liked that." A notepad was put near the casket, so that anyone who wanted to could write a memory of Paul on it. Someone introduced the Thompsons to The Compassionate Friends who believe that "grief shared by many is grief borne by many" and who suggested that they use a memory box to collect memorabilia. The church family acted as a supportive community and relieved them of some of the burdens of daily life. The funeral director and the pastor helped by providing a "healing funeral." Patients, staff and colleagues "carried" them and allowed them to grieve as long as they needed to.
We would expect Dr. Thompson to also describe some of the physical and mental effects of grief. He describes that both, husband and wife, started suffering from throbbing headaches soon after the news of their son's death. Other symptoms were fatigue, numbness, sleeplessness, weight loss, gray hair and his wife's onset of menopause.
Depression was a concern, but Dr. Thompson knew that medicating grieving patients is not appropriate unless there are signs of serious melancholia and "involutional" depression. It took a voluntary decision to not "extend the acute grieving process and make a career out of it." Although sometimes marriages suffer from the grief experience, Dr. Thompson found that "a mutually supportive respect for each other's personal grief can result in a stronger marriage - one in which both partners rely on each other for mutual support and encouragement, as well as continued personal growth."
This grief experience has effected a changed in Dr. Thompson's attitude toward death. His patients and his own mortality have taken on new meaning. Both Dr. Thompson and his wife don't want to "move on" or "get on with their lives," but want to integrated moments of remembrance and appreciation for life and the living into their daily lives.

In his compelling new book, Remembering: The Death of a Child, Dr. Thompson offers caring companionship to those grieving the loss of a child as he traces the journey of his own loss following the tragic death of his 18 year old son, Paul, in l989.
Dr. Thompson writes, "In my 25 years of medical practice, I had seen death. I knew death. I knew it as a friend and welcome visitor and I knew it as a hated and feared monster... But now, in this brief moment of dread, I did not associate death with one of my own children." Thus begins the unfolding of a journey that would alter his life forever. Dr. Thompson writes of the early shock, funeral and grief, "Ultimately... I thought God, like us, was a witness to an unwanted tragedy and, like us, was hurting deeply for one of His precious flock."
The reader realizes that one of the greatest gifts of Remembering: The Death of a Child is the wisdom offered through the experience of over a decade of processing and healing since the passage of Paul's death. One feels drawn into the many layers along the way, including the dream world and the visit to the scene of the accident, where the family poignantly made their final goodbyes as well as thoughts on grave tending. Through gentle words of encouragement, Dr. Thompson writes of not making a career out of acute grieving and the return to work as he and his lovely wife, Martha, discovered renewed sensitivity to others and new meaning regarding their own mortality. Through the use of vivid imagery, Dr. Thompson writes at length, "The death of a child takes you on a journey like a hawk carries a rabbit through the sky. What you see and do on the journey is up to you. The journey is not."
As a physician, Dr. Thompson's book has an added gift in that it not only authentically spiritually companions a grieving parent toward comfort, it explains the process from a medical, psychological point of view. As healing gets underway, Dr. Thompson writes of support, "In reality, its meaning is different for each person, and we each derive support in different ways." From here, the book seamlessly flows through deepening, healing grief and many other aspects---such as the comfort from his church, fear of forgetting what our lost loved one looked like, and 'survivor guilt.' Referring to the support of Compassionate Friends and the challenge grief brings to a marriage, Dr. Thompson writes honestly about grief issues that will never be resolved while learning to integrate and cherish our memories, relationships and lives.
Remembering: The Death of a Child is thought-provoking, illuminating and relevant---offering genuine hope that can only be written by someone who's walked the walk and found the way. Highly recommended, with gratitude to Dr. Thompson for having the vision to write such an important and much-needed book.

Death is a terrorist. Never is it more of a terrorist than when we see it strike our children. We are gripped by anger, frustration and pain in a way that none of us is prepared to handle.

Bob and Martha Thompson invite us into the world of their terror beginning with the first minutes after they received the word of the car accident that killed their son, Paul. From that call through the funeral and the loneliness that followed they guide us through their painful experiences and feelings.

Bob not only describes the desolation of his son's loss, but he also illuminates the way of healing that God gave to their family. As a physician he understands the way the body works to heal its injuries. His medical insight gives him creative metaphors for the healing that is needed in our heart following the death of a child.

One of the most important parts of this book is the witness that it gives to all of us who are marked by death. Bob and Martha write down their "remembering" to reveal how our wounds do not lead to hiding but open doors to healing as we learn ways to share them with others.

This book will help families who have grieved the death of a child do their own remembering. It will also be treasured by those of us who walk alongside these friends to understand how remembering brings healing over time through the presence of the one who re-members us, our crucified and risen Lord, Jesus Christ.

How does one go on with life after experiencing the death of a child or loved one? There is no single answer to this question, but in his book, Remembering: The Death of a Child, Dr. Robert Thompson carefully tells of the journey of grief (and eventually peace) travelled by he and his wife, Martha. From the first moments after the accident that took their son's life, to the depths of despair during the first year thereafter, to the subsequent ten years of learning to live again, the author takes us with him as he relives the most difficult and important experience of his life. Dr. Thompson offers no packaged solutions to grieving parents because he acknowledges that none exists. What he does offer, however, is hope through his own ability to find ways to continue to live without trying to "forget" Paul's life or death for a single day. He tells his story of learning to live by remembering and embracing Paul's life as a natural part of each day. He and Martha share their story in hopes of helping others as they were helped by many around them and throughout the country. Dr. Thompson's thoughtful and educated perspective is sure to lend one of many required helping hands to anyone living through his or her own loss.

The death of a child, which seems the most unnatural of deaths, is often the most anguishing to face. This author found his own meaning in suffering and turned it into something of value. A truly remarkable creative survivor! Remembering The Death of a Child is a book that helps to find peace and comfort without forgetting. I recommend it anyone who has lost a loved one.

In his compelling new book, Remembering: The Death of a Child, Dr. Thompson offers caring companionship to those grieving the loss of a child as he traces the journey of his own loss following the tragic death of his 18 year old son, Paul, in l989.
Dr. Thompson writes, "In my 25 years of medical practice, I had seen death. I knew death. I knew it as a friend and welcome visitor and I knew it as a hated and feared monster... But now, in this brief moment of dread, I did not associate death with one of my own children." Thus begins the unfolding of a journey that would alter his life forever. Dr. Thompson writes of the early shock, funeral and grief, "Ultimately... I thought God, like us, was a witness to an unwanted tragedy and, like us, was hurting deeply for one of His precious flock."
The reader realizes that one of the greatest gifts of Remembering: The Death of a Child is the wisdom offered through the experience of over a decade of processing and healing since the passage of Paul's death. One feels drawn into the many layers along the way, including the dream world and the visit to the scene of the accident, where the family poignantly made their final goodbyes as well as thoughts on grave tending. Through gentle words of encouragement, Dr. Thompson writes of not making a career out of acute grieving and the return to work as he and his lovely wife, Martha, discovered renewed sensitivity to others and new meaning regarding their own mortality. Through the use of vivid imagery, Dr. Thompson writes at length, "The death of a child takes you on a journey like a hawk carries a rabbit through the sky. What you see and do on the journey is up to you. The journey is not."
As a physician, Dr. Thompson's book has an added gift in that it not only authentically spiritually companions a grieving parent toward comfort, it explains the process from a medical, psychological point of view. As healing gets underway, Dr. Thompson writes of support, "In reality, its meaning is different for each person, and we each derive support in different ways." From here, the book seamlessly flows through deepening, healing grief and many other aspects---such as the comfort from his church, fear of forgetting what our lost loved one looked like, and 'survivor guilt.' Referring to the support of Compassionate Friends and the challenge grief brings to a marriage, Dr. Thompson writes honestly about grief issues that will never be resolved while learning to integrate and cherish our memories, relationships and lives.
Remembering: The Death of a Child is thought-provoking, illuminating and relevant---offering genuine hope that can only be written by someone who's walked the walk and found the way. Highly recommended, with gratitude to Dr. Thompson for having the vision to write such an important and much-needed book.

I purchased all these books for the library of the local Compassionate Friends chapter - which I am co-founder. I haven't had alot of time to totally read them all but, just scanning through, I think they will be helpful to our grieving parents. Delivery on all books was acceptable; books were in very good condition.

I bought this book for my brother who's 20 year old son was killed in a car accident 7/6/2007. My brother continues to thank me for the book and said that it has been amazingly helpful. He said that he can not believe how the author's experiences so closely mirror his own.