Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death [Hardcover]

Sarah York (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 15, 2000

Remembering Well offers family members, clergy, funeral professionals, and hospice workers ways to plan services and rituals that honor the spirit of the deceased and are faithful to that person's values and beliefs, while also respecting the needs and wishes of those who will attAnd the services. It is an essential resource for anyone who yearns to put death in a spiritual context but is unsure how to do so-including both those who have broken with tradition and those who wish to give new meaning to the time-honored rituals of their faith.

The real-life stories, examples, and practical guidelines in this book address a wide array of important issues, including the difficult decisions that survivors must make quickly when a death occurs-and the sensitive topic of family alienation, where possibilities for healing, forgiveness, and hope are explored. The invaluable insights offered here will help those who grieve to prepare mind and spirit for life's final rites of passage.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This book is a treasure for religious leaders and ordinary people who face the challenges of grief and mourning. Without offering pat answers, religious dogma or platitudes of any kind, the author, a Unitarian-Universalist minister who has served congregations for 18 years, provides heartfelt stories and wise words to guide the reader through the many kinds of issues that surface when a loved one has died. She speaks eloquently of the need to give authentic expression to grief and offers practical guidelines for planning a memorial service that involves the mourners and suits the unique context and person whose life is being remembered. Her chapter on the difficulty of making decisions in the face of death equips the reader to help others make hard choices when they feel most overwhelmed and vulnerable. Her discussion of "family ties and family lies" is refreshingly realistic, yet compassionate. York also reminds readers to acknowledge the need for rituals for the first year and beyond, rather than submitting to our culture's pressure to quickly return to life as usual. She provides a broad spectrum of resources, including poetry, suggestions for ritual and wisdom from various religious traditions. This valuable guide will prove particularly helpful for those who do not identify with any one religious tradition, yet are looking for a spiritually vital way of coping with their grief. (Oct.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

No one dies opportunely, nor are the bereaved, no matter how much a death is anticipated, ever truly prepared. Thus memorial services are usually created at a time of stress and loss. When religion provides safe harbor, it is possible to simply defer to tradition. But increasingly, families want something more than a canned service with a minister mouthing conventional reassurances. They want something that expresses the uniqueness of the deceased. In addition, a large number of Americans find no comfort in traditional religion. For them, a standard religious service is deeply inappropriate. York offers sage advice for both types of mourner. A Unitarian Universalist minister, she addresses life's ending in a direct and moving way. Emphasizing that memorial services are a necessary part of the grieving process, she leads the reader through questions both practical, such as whether to inter or scatter ashes, and emotional, such as how to acknowledge violence and anger. Dozens of stories of individual rituals serve as inspiring examples of how a uniquely fitting memorial--one that will bond and sustain those left behind--may be crafted. Patricia Monaghan
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 216 pages
• Publisher: Jossey-Bass; 1 edition (August 15, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0787955078
• ISBN-13: 978-0787955076
• Product Dimensions: 7.1 x 7.1 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #523,351 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The importance of "remembering well", May 28, 2001

By 

L. Feld "lowkell" (Arlington, VA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (Hardcover)

"Remembering Well" is a book about certain subjects -- death and dying, funerals, bereavement and the grieving process - that don't exactly make you want to rush out and read about them. Yet Sarah York, a Unitarian Universalist minister with a tremendous amount of experience, knowledge, and -- even more importantly -- wisdom regarding death, dying, grieving, and "remembering well," has succeeded in writing a book that is at once practical, powerful, poignant, moving, even inspiring.

At its heart, "Remembering Well" is not so much about death and dying as it is about life, living, love, and memory. Perhaps its most important lesson is the necessity of allowing time and "sacred space" for those who have experienced a loss to be able to "give voice to their sorrow" and to "remember well" the person who has died. In Sarah York's view, and I couldn't agree more, suppressing strong feelings, or glossing over them, is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it's very unhealthy and really just asking for trouble down the road. Unfortunately, I have personally been to funerals where almost every one of Sarah York's rules has been violated, where the service was utterly impersonal, or where the religious official running the service took the opportunity to try and impose their religious perspective on the audience, leaving many people (myself included) unsatisfied and even angry.

The bottom line here is that although it is not a simple matter to "remember well," it certainly can be done. If you want to find out how, Sarah York's book is a great place to start. I strongly recommend it to everyone!

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Memories..., September 11, 2003

By 

FrKurt Messick "FrKurt Messick" (Bloomington, IN USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (Hardcover)

Death is one of the most traumatic experience in our lives. Even the deaths of strangers affects us in unusual, sometimes unpredictable ways. The death of those close to us, family and friends, can leave us with questions, emotions and emptiness hard to comprehend. Yet, there are ways to deal with these; religion has rituals, families have traditions, cultures have cycles, allowances and expectations, yet we still need more.

This book by Sarah York puts an order to the chaos. Written primarily for those in caring professions (pastors and priests, health-care workers, etc.) or even for those who have expectation for the approaching death of friends or family members, the book can be rewarding to any reader, as death is one of the facts of life we will all face in a myriad of ways.

York infuses her discussions with her personal experiences as well as professional experiences. She talks about the various ways in which religion looks to care for the departed as well as those left behind, in terms of memorials, committals, and other services. She also looks at the emotional and relationship aspects, both when family and friends are close-knit as well as when there are distances and estrangements.

Through stories of people, York teaches and guides by example. She shows the specifics of how to help in the case of a suidice, the death of an infant, a death due to illness, and more. She helps to show how to carve out a space for the family and friends, the wider community, and for the presence of God in the midst of sometimes bewilderingly tragic situations.

The final chapter looks at the 'seasons of grief' -- some religions, such as Judaism, have prescribed patterns or rituals to follow for up to a year after the death; in fact, the death of a person stays with us for the rest of our lives, and the more significant the relationship, the more significant that season can be, and more long-lasting in daily life and functioning. While the specific rituals of Judaism cannot appropriately be used out of context of the community and hold the same meaning, the pattern of activity and the pastoral/psychological way in which they function can be easily adapted.

York offers three sections of resources, which make this book practical and useful. Prayers, readings, blessings, service forms, even the idea for a 'no-memorial wanted' practice serves to stimulate ideas for the creative and meaningful way in which observe and remember.

York's final story in the epilogue is very touching, an almost concrete way of showing how we carry forward those who have passed away in our own lives.

This is a stunning book, thoughtful and sensitive, useful and prayerful. My life has been enriched simply through the reading of this text; it will be even more enriched when the times come that they guide my practices and my experiences.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Thank you, Sarah York, October 10, 2000

By 

Barbara Pontecorvo (Wayland, MA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (Hardcover)

"Remembering Well" opened up a whole new perspective for me, the idea that creating our own traditions and rituals can be, and should be, an ongoing part of our lives. "Remembering Well" helped me deal with the recent loss of a close friend, whose funeral service had been extremely formal and impersonal. Reading "Remembering Well" prompted me to contact other friends of the departed. I learned that they felt the same way about the funeral. We met around a large table for lunch, and took turns talking about our friend. We all felt we knew our departed friend better than before, and at the same time we felt comforted ourselves as we began our own healing process. We made plans for our next gathering, a celebration of our friend's life, on her birthday some months from now, a day that previously we had been dreading, and had planned to ignore.

I've given copies of "Remembering Well" to my three grown children and to some close friends. I hope that this gift to them will enlarge their views of life and death, and also their understanding that rituals can provide comfort and peace when we are grieving.