Customer Reviews

The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity

5 star:		(9)
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Resilient Self focuses on case histories (all fascinating)of people who came from devastating childhoods, and yet are now leading happy and productive lives. The best part of this book is that the Wolins (husband and wife team)also point out what these people did to change their lives around, that you can apply to your own life. This book is the most uplifting book that I have read. I've loaned it to most of my friends who are trying futiley to change their lives despite a crazy childhood. It is excellent and a fast read. Oh, by the way, the authors' suggestions really work!

I am reading this book on the advice of my counselor. I checked it out of the library first because I didn't want to buy it if I didn't like it. When I found myself wanting to write in and highlight the passages of the library's copy, I knew I needed a copy of my own. The Resilient Self is singularly the most difficult book to read that I own. I read a chapter and put it down for a while. The thing that makes it difficult is that Dr. Wolin seems to see right through me. I think he was a fly on the wall at home in my family of origin. How could he possibly know what happened to me and how I feel about it unless he was there? I like the book because it tells me that it is not me that is flawed. I have strength and character of my own, something my counselor has been trying to tell me for five months. I also learned that there is no such thing as a perfect family. They all have troubles and challenges to overcome. We do the best we can with what we have. My advice: if you think your family of origin had problems, read this book.

Although written several years ago, this remains a valuable book for anyone who has or is facing adversity. Interestingly, many of the ideas in the book, which were based on a great deal of clinical observation, have actually been born out by empirical research.

One of the least helpful ideas that entered the mainstream of pop psychology was the notion that we are robots who can be programmed to behave dysfunctionally by adverse life events. That simple notion missed the fact that many people who have had awful life experiences turn out just fine, and others who seemed to enjoy every advantage have developed enormous problems. The fact is that we are a composite of our genes and our life experiences. And the genes in the brain do not so much determine our behavior, as predispose us to how we react to the environment. There is also increasing evidence that mental states may impact gene expression. So positive thoughts and emotions may be able to overcome or ameliorate the impact of negative experiences. Enter the notion of resilience, which has a genetic component, but can also be learned.

This book revolves around the idea that triumph over adversity involves seven key components:
1. Insight
2. Independence
3. Robust relationships
4. Initiative
5. Creativity
6. Humor
7. Morality

Each chapter is loaded with evaluations and advice on strengthening these key characteristics.

The model deals only with psychological resilience, with a few nods toward physical and spiritual resilience.

Warmly recommended.

As a professional who works with young adults who have survived challenging childhoods, and as an adult who has experienced these challenges, I can only say, "Bravo!" We've all heard quite enough about the damage done, and not near enough about our incredibly well honed survival skills - what the Wolins named "resiliencies". The resilience model gives us a language to use; naming the resiliencies evidenced by a young person is incredibly powerful. Reveiwing my own childhood through this lense is an affirmation and an honor to the child I was and the adult I have grown to be.

This was a tremendously helpful book! Steven and Sybil Wolin have done a remarkable job here. I could not believe how much they knew about how I was feeling. It was as if they where there doing therapy with me.

In the book, they discuss seven "Resiliencies" that survivors instinctively use to get through difficult childhoods. Then they use "reframing" to show you an amazing transition from "feeling damaged" to "Survivor's Pride". Extremely therapeutic!

Overall, this is an extremely effective self-help book, and it is an easy read. I would definitely recommend it to everyone who has had a rocky childhood.

I easily give this book five stars.

This is a wonderful, positive book which examines individuals from negative or deficient backgrounds and discovers their keys to success. The Wolin's work identifies strong traits and learned experiences which allow some people to beat the odds. Their chapters teach letting go of the negative, finding talents, skills, mentors and strength to become mature successful adults despite negative childhood or family influences. It is a positive book with a "get over it attitude" and explanations how. I find this book helpful as a SELF HELP book for struggles, useful as a clinician working with adults and adolescents and useful as a parent or mentor. Dr and Ms Wolin are also dynamic workshop presenters.

The authors, Drs. Stephen and Sybil Wolin, a married team have compiled an amazing reference about overcoming the adversity of surviving with incompetent or deeply disturbed parents. They describe resilience as the capacity to channel your pain rather than exploding. It is rising above the adversity of growing up in a troubled family. The book is based on 26 survivors.

Not only is it based on survivors stories, an impressive amount of research has gone into this book. Plus, the appendix contains an informal assessment. The questions apply to your childhood and adulthood. It is called the Damage Inventory and evaluates how bad your self image was hurt by enduring a very troubled home.

I remain forever baffled by what cruel things parents do to children. But with that, it does happen and nothing is surprising anymore. The authors have created a circle graphic, a mandala that lists the resiliencies. An example is this:

The first would be Insight, or awareness; sensing something is different, to knowing extent of trouble, and into adulthood, where you understand.

The other is Independence: Straying away from the family chaos, to Disengaging, slowly parting from family, and into Separating from family, making a final choice to partially or completely separate from a hurtful family life.

Another example is Search for Love involves Connecting with available adults, Recruiting, as in enlisting friends, ministers, teachers, etc. and then, Attaching to those to form meaningful balanced relationships.

Every family needs to read this! Give it to parents so hopefully they can break a maddening chain!! Rizzo.

I borrowed this book from my sister & read it cover to cover in the span of a few hours. I will be buying my own copy soon because it is one of the best books I have ever read regarding survivors of abuse.

There are too many good things I can say about this book, I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I'll just say that the author's focus in this book is on how victims of abuse HAVE BEEN and ARE resilient in different ways (they focus on 7 different ways). They do not minimize or blow off the actions of the abusers, but instead list multiple examples of how those who have been abused have overcome & have gone on to lead 'normal' lives.

I've run into people who say things like "it wasn't a big deal" or "it happened a long time ago, something that happened that long ago CAN'T still affect you today". Yes, it was. And yes, it does. Those kinds of people will never really understand abuse & the affect it has on someone's life.

What I love most of all about this book, is that it fully acknowledges the abuse & how screwed up the abusers were/are, and then goes on & talks about how many victims of abuse are really survivors, they just don't know it because no one has ever explained resilience to them. I guess it's like getting a different perspective on something, if that makes sense.

A perfect example of this is one of the first stories they tell about a woman who was abused. Her parents told her she'd never go to college so she made it her mission to not only go to college, but to finish it, and she did. On the day she graduated, she had someone take a graduation picture of her and in that picture, she is smiling happily, her arms outstretched in joy. In the picture she has framed on her wall, though, is missing something. She cropped the picture to remove her hands from it. Why? Because both hands were giving the "middle finger" ~ one finger to each of her parents. She could choose to display the full picture, but she chooses not to. Instead, the focus of the picture when you walk by it is the joy on her face from graduating.

I always wondered if how I coped with the abuse was normal or if my coping skills just proved how f-ed up I was. Wondered if I was damaged beyond repair due to the abuse I suffered. Wondered if I was doomed to continue the cycle & decided very early on that I would never have children until I knew for sure that I would not treat them the way I was treated.

This book helped me understand the many ways in which I am resilient, and helped me understand that the ways I coped with my abuse are not wrong...in fact, they are the opposite of wrong, they were completely RIGHT.

- It's not wrong to feel like your friends & people you meet after leaving home are more of a family to you then your own blood relatives.
- It's not wrong to want to break all ties with your parents & those who abused you.
- It's not wrong to use your imagination to survive a painful event.
- It's not wrong to feel like you have very strong morals & to feel like you have a very clear sense of "right" & "wrong" & can't stand it when someone is "wronged".
- It's not wrong to look back on the past, to know that because you were abused, you ARE different from many people, that the struggles you face, many people will never experience.
- And it's also not wrong to want to try to move on, to live a better life, to fully acknowledge your past, but to believe that with understanding & insight into YOURSELF you CAN be the person you always dreamed of.

If you've ever been abused, or work with those who have been/are being abused, I fully reccomend reading this book.

I work with juvenile deliquents and taught collge courses. This was a very helpful bool to educate myself and continuing my education.