Thanks to this book and others like it, my family almost stopped talking to me (and did stop for some time), I've had difficulty forming any kind of relationship with either men or women, and I spent years in therapy working through severe body, sexuality and gender issues. I understand the desire loved ones of LGBTQ people feel to find a way to just make what they perceive as a problem to just go away. I used to feel the same. I never wanted anyone I loved to be scared or upset. But this is not the answer. Sometimes things happen in life that are difficult, sometimes there is no clear path, and sometimes we all need to learn how to accept situations and learn to get along. You can not accept and deal with a situation if you are just trying to change everyone and everything around you to suit your wants and make your own life and thoughts less complicated. It's hard to accept, but it's something we must all eventually learn.
As much as this book tried to claim it is simply a resource for people who are interested in it, the sticker on the front that says "someone you love needs this book!" disagrees, along with anyone who was ever handed this by a panicked loved one. Many of us were forced to read these things as children (I was 16), and felt that we would no longer be loved or would be in good standing if we didn't try to change, or if we failed at changing. This is not the kind of pressure you want to put on someone who is already frightened, alone and dealing with severe emotional distress.
I have read this book many times now, trying to work through the damage it did to me, on top of reading it as a youth. It is full of logical fallacies, opinion, and debunked theories in the place of any kind of valid science. It severely lacks proper sources, many of her sources come from an extremely flawed study she conducted of a small handful of friends of hers. She offered a survey to a small number of females in her own ex-gay circle, this is insufficient data to reach any conclusions of the nature of all women, or even all same sex attracted women. The vast majority of people who took part in her survey had severe psychological damage, and this is blamed on their sexuality and gender identity, rather than the one thing they all also had in common: a willingness to seek out ex-gay help organizations. If you want to do a study one how many people in the general population are schizophrenic, you do not seek out a psychiatric institution that specializes in schizophrenia. Your results will show almost everyone in the world is schizophrenic. I urge you to please seek valid psychiatric information and not the opinions, feelings and bias of someone who tries to present an easy path. It will hurt you and those you love far more than homosexuality ever has or ever will.
If after reading this review you still decide to read it for yourself, I urge you to consider the following:
-Is your goal for yourself or loved one to change inner feelings, or outward actions?
-Is the desire for your loved one to change out of love for them, or out of your own desires? If you are trying to change yourself, is it what you really want, or is it out of concern for how others treat you/not wanting to upset others/fear of losing others/etc?
-How do you know ex-gays are not merely monogamous bisexuals? Especially when so many ex-gays claim they still have attraction to same sex people, but only partner with opposite? How is this any different from bisexuals, who very often are in the exact same position? The Kinsey scale presents many varying levels of attraction, and the availability of certain partners can affect how we act (example: I identify as a four, and am usually more attracted to women, but have married a man because he's a rather exceptional man. If I were single again, I would probably date a woman, but still might date another man). Could the author of this book be simply a 1 on the Kinsey scale?
[...]
-How do you feel about former ex-gays, who spent years married to the opposite sex, had children, worked hard to overcome, and came out gay years later? Does the knowledge that many ex-gay leaders have been outed in horrifying scandals (George Rekers) and many more have left ex-gay ministries and criticize them (like Michael Bussee) affect your view? There are many more situations like this than there are success stories now. The founder of Exodus int, perhaps the largest of ex-gay organizations, said "not one of the hundreds of people we counseled became straight". John Paulk, Anne's husband, was caught in a scandal himself. Does this affect your view of the ability to change? Does hypocrisy and changing of views deter you from going to them for advice?
Bussee: [...]
Rekers: [...]george-rekers-takes-vacation-with-rent-boy/
John Paulk: [...]
-What are your priorities? If your loved one could only either be gay but happy, or miserable but trying to change, which would you prefer? How miserable or how happy would they have to be to change your mind? If your loved one found trying to change to unbearable, began having suicidal thoughts or destructive behavior, and felt that it was the result of the therapy, would you push for them to continue trying to change? If your loved one married a same sex person, had children, a great job and fulfillment in every aspect of life, spiritual, emotional, physical, would you encourage them to try to change? In the case of the miserable person, trying to change may mean a life of solitude and little to no progress. In the case of the happy person, trying to change may split a family, leave them homeless and in property disputes and custody battles, may even affect their career. Is it still worth it for them to try to change? This has been the situation for many people, including myself.
In closing, Anne's choices and views are her own and I do not stand in judgment of her decisions for her life. I do not believe she doesn't love her husband and children, I do not doubt her faith, I even do not believe she should divorce and be a lesbian. But when she affects the lives of others, this I take issue with. When she lies, hides behind false science and encourages families to splinter, I will stand in disagreement. I believe she should live as she sees fit, and be a good person. I may believe she is bisexual, but what consequence is that? It means little. She can still be married to John, still have children and go about her day. But she can not tamper with the lives of others without people standing up to her, and I will stand up. This book is full of dangerous, selfish lies and misinformation, and can destroy people and their relationships with friends, family and lovers. It preys upon the already weak and hurting. Shame on you Anne for your lack of care.
I am a proud bisexual woman. I love my husband and will have his children. And whether they are gay, straight or bisexual, I will stand beside them at their weddings and accept their spouses with open and loving arms. I will NEVER ask them to change what is not broken. It should not have been asked of me, and I will never ask it of them.
