Customer Reviews

Restoring Sexual Identity: Hope for Women Who Struggle with Same-Sex Attraction

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

I was impressed with the fact that this author, Anne Paulk herself a former lesbian, had expertly conducted her research into how many women find their way in and out of this lifestyle during the course of their lifetimes and why?Anne is an educated woman and could have been content w/ just helping to co-write her first book with her husband, John Paulk, about their experiences in the homosexual lifestyle and the factors that led each of them, respectively out of it, in a book entitled, "Love Won Out." But, no, proving herself to be an excellent scholar she furthered her research findings in this well-written piece exploring the reasons that leads many women into the gay lifestyle for a short period of time or indefinitely. In addition, in the year, 2000, she conducted a professionally extensive survey with 265 women coming out of homosexuality which provided some particular insights that her readership would want to know and consider. One fact that improved my understanding was to learn that sexual partner choices among women is much more fluid throughout their lifetime than it is for men. For example, her survey results found that "three out of five of the surveyed women had sexual relations with a man after having already felt sexually attracted to another female; and three out of ten unmarried women had been sexually involved with a man, even at the point of considering themselves to be lesbians already; this behavior would be unheard of in the gay male community." In addition, the author's research touched on the fact that married women also experimented with the gay lifestyle at a surprisingly higher rate than might be suspected.Although the author developed this text from a Christian-healing perspective, she delved into reasons for same-sex attraction, classic development of the lesbian lifestyle versus healthy female gender development, as well as the important part parents could play in that healthful development. She quotes experts on both sides of the issues, heterosexual and homosexual professionals alike.I particularly profited from learning that many potential lesbians at an early age viewed their mothers in an abusive male-dominated relationship; and they very quickly decided, early-on, that their mothers must have been weak people to allow the abuse in the first place; from that tragic childhood experience, they gathered their wits about them and decided that this would not be profiled in their own futures. Whether you are searching for answers about your own gender-orientation, whether you are a Christian or non-Christian, a parent, educator, counselor, pastor, friend, relative, or co-worker of a gay woman, you like me will benefit greatly by continuing to educate yourself concerning issues that affect all of our lives in some capacity, today.

If you believe that lesbianism is not a "normal" expression of sexuality, then this book may help you. However, if you don't believe in the Bible, this book is not meant to persuade you. For the record, the APA requires therapists to respect the position of the client in terms of what they want their therapy to accomplish. If a woman wants to find a way out of lesbianism, a psychotherapist is ethically required to help that woman do it.

Paulk's book provides a good starting point for a woman who is beginning to deal with her struggle with same-sex attraction. Paulk's discussion of developmental factors and a plan for getting help are particularly helpful. This book encourages women who want to leave lesbianism to establish a good support system, including one-on-one professional psychotherapy. It is a long journey, usually two and a half years, according to the author.

Married women who struggle with these issues may want to consider asking their husbands to read this book too, in order to better understand their struggles.

My only slight criticism of Paulk's book is that she tends to take some Bible verses out of context in order to support her points.

Thanks to this book and others like it, my family almost stopped talking to me (and did stop for some time), I've had difficulty forming any kind of relationship with either men or women, and I spent years in therapy working through severe body, sexuality and gender issues. I understand the desire loved ones of LGBTQ people feel to find a way to just make what they perceive as a problem to just go away. I used to feel the same. I never wanted anyone I loved to be scared or upset. But this is not the answer. Sometimes things happen in life that are difficult, sometimes there is no clear path, and sometimes we all need to learn how to accept situations and learn to get along. You can not accept and deal with a situation if you are just trying to change everyone and everything around you to suit your wants and make your own life and thoughts less complicated. It's hard to accept, but it's something we must all eventually learn.

As much as this book tried to claim it is simply a resource for people who are interested in it, the sticker on the front that says "someone you love needs this book!" disagrees, along with anyone who was ever handed this by a panicked loved one. Many of us were forced to read these things as children (I was 16), and felt that we would no longer be loved or would be in good standing if we didn't try to change, or if we failed at changing. This is not the kind of pressure you want to put on someone who is already frightened, alone and dealing with severe emotional distress.

I have read this book many times now, trying to work through the damage it did to me, on top of reading it as a youth. It is full of logical fallacies, opinion, and debunked theories in the place of any kind of valid science. It severely lacks proper sources, many of her sources come from an extremely flawed study she conducted of a small handful of friends of hers. She offered a survey to a small number of females in her own ex-gay circle, this is insufficient data to reach any conclusions of the nature of all women, or even all same sex attracted women. The vast majority of people who took part in her survey had severe psychological damage, and this is blamed on their sexuality and gender identity, rather than the one thing they all also had in common: a willingness to seek out ex-gay help organizations. If you want to do a study one how many people in the general population are schizophrenic, you do not seek out a psychiatric institution that specializes in schizophrenia. Your results will show almost everyone in the world is schizophrenic. I urge you to please seek valid psychiatric information and not the opinions, feelings and bias of someone who tries to present an easy path. It will hurt you and those you love far more than homosexuality ever has or ever will.

If after reading this review you still decide to read it for yourself, I urge you to consider the following:

-Is your goal for yourself or loved one to change inner feelings, or outward actions?

-Is the desire for your loved one to change out of love for them, or out of your own desires? If you are trying to change yourself, is it what you really want, or is it out of concern for how others treat you/not wanting to upset others/fear of losing others/etc?

-How do you know ex-gays are not merely monogamous bisexuals? Especially when so many ex-gays claim they still have attraction to same sex people, but only partner with opposite? How is this any different from bisexuals, who very often are in the exact same position? The Kinsey scale presents many varying levels of attraction, and the availability of certain partners can affect how we act (example: I identify as a four, and am usually more attracted to women, but have married a man because he's a rather exceptional man. If I were single again, I would probably date a woman, but still might date another man). Could the author of this book be simply a 1 on the Kinsey scale?

[...]

-How do you feel about former ex-gays, who spent years married to the opposite sex, had children, worked hard to overcome, and came out gay years later? Does the knowledge that many ex-gay leaders have been outed in horrifying scandals (George Rekers) and many more have left ex-gay ministries and criticize them (like Michael Bussee) affect your view? There are many more situations like this than there are success stories now. The founder of Exodus int, perhaps the largest of ex-gay organizations, said "not one of the hundreds of people we counseled became straight". John Paulk, Anne's husband, was caught in a scandal himself. Does this affect your view of the ability to change? Does hypocrisy and changing of views deter you from going to them for advice?

Bussee: [...]
Rekers: [...]george-rekers-takes-vacation-with-rent-boy/
John Paulk: [...]

-What are your priorities? If your loved one could only either be gay but happy, or miserable but trying to change, which would you prefer? How miserable or how happy would they have to be to change your mind? If your loved one found trying to change to unbearable, began having suicidal thoughts or destructive behavior, and felt that it was the result of the therapy, would you push for them to continue trying to change? If your loved one married a same sex person, had children, a great job and fulfillment in every aspect of life, spiritual, emotional, physical, would you encourage them to try to change? In the case of the miserable person, trying to change may mean a life of solitude and little to no progress. In the case of the happy person, trying to change may split a family, leave them homeless and in property disputes and custody battles, may even affect their career. Is it still worth it for them to try to change? This has been the situation for many people, including myself.

In closing, Anne's choices and views are her own and I do not stand in judgment of her decisions for her life. I do not believe she doesn't love her husband and children, I do not doubt her faith, I even do not believe she should divorce and be a lesbian. But when she affects the lives of others, this I take issue with. When she lies, hides behind false science and encourages families to splinter, I will stand in disagreement. I believe she should live as she sees fit, and be a good person. I may believe she is bisexual, but what consequence is that? It means little. She can still be married to John, still have children and go about her day. But she can not tamper with the lives of others without people standing up to her, and I will stand up. This book is full of dangerous, selfish lies and misinformation, and can destroy people and their relationships with friends, family and lovers. It preys upon the already weak and hurting. Shame on you Anne for your lack of care.

I am a proud bisexual woman. I love my husband and will have his children. And whether they are gay, straight or bisexual, I will stand beside them at their weddings and accept their spouses with open and loving arms. I will NEVER ask them to change what is not broken. It should not have been asked of me, and I will never ask it of them.

Hello, I want to say that I have not yet read the book, but want to ask if someone wants to get a car fixed, would they go to someone who's never worked or fixed a car themselves or someone who knows how because they have had to walk it through and learn? What I'm getting at is that Anne Paulk has worked through and walked through what it takes to walk out of lesbianism and same sex attraction so why not give a try a book written by someone who has "fixed a car" and walked out and went on.

I remember going to the Love In Action support group over 15 years ago to help with my own lesbianism and having come when Anne was still just an attendee but meeting her as well as a handful of other women who I find still have their testimonies listed whether on Exodus International or Love In Action websites and am so delighted to see them still walking it out after so many years.

Now, would you want to learn from a mechanic who has fixed their own car or from a critic of the mechanic who has never fixed any cars before or ever experienced anyone fixing their car before?
Why not give her book a try? If anyone has hope, she seems to be one of them.

This book is not about her husband, or anyone else's walk, but her own personal one. It might be more reasonable to keep it all separate as that is not what the title and subject matter of her book is about. Thank you and bless you, Anne, for trying to write and get out there some resources/tips that you have learned along the way in your journey out of lesbianism and for being willing to be vulnerable to even write a book on this subject matter.

The 5 star rating (sorry, but they wouldn't let me just not put a rating) is for the exciting thing that God can do with a life that's broken and rebuild it in a lovely way in rebuilding who Anne is and who we each are. There is hope.

Let me start by saying to all women who struggle with same-sex attractions that hope exists and that it is real! Anne did a wonderful job presenting this hope in her book! And yet she also honestly admits the struggle and the journey out of lesbianism in the reality of a fallen and painful world. It is not an easy road! It can be long and ardous, but my beautiful women, it is possible, and completely worth ALL the blood, sweat and tears!!! Let us not fall into the trap of what this person said, or what that person said! Let us not make generalized, absolute and yet un-substantiated statements regarding the impossibility of freedom! Change is possible! I myself am a testament to that.

Anne also does well to provide several different case studies of struggling women. Different women with different stories allows for personal identification with at least one or more! And when you can relate, it makes the hope even more real to you! I would also greatly recommend Jeanette Howard's book - Out of Egypt... an excellent portrait of the development of same-sex attractions, linked with this hope and this freedom!

The world tries to hide the fact that freedom exists and our stories are hidden from the public. Have you ever noticed that the world acknowledges our failures more-so than our successes?! And when humanity is constantly shown only failure, we tend to believe only in failure! Do not fall for it! Hope is real and VERY MUCH ALIVE!!!!!!

I read Anne Paulk's wonderful book over a year ago to evaluate it as a possible resource for a recovery group for women struggling with same-sex attraction. I was quite impressed with what I read then and I still feel the same. We have desperately needed a resource such as this. Years ago, when I was struggling and in therapy, all I had was Leanne Payne's "The Broken Image." It helped, and I very much believe in the power of prayer to help heal the brokenness of homosexuality. But this book is extremely accessible and well-written. The survey, itself, is worth the price of the book.

Frankly, I give a hat tip to any layperson who can write like Anne Paulk does. I am a firm believer in peer support for those desiring to overcome same-sex attraction. The safe, ideal place for this kind of support is within our churches. It is a function of discipleship, although we seem to have forgotten that in our quest for scientific validation of our counseling methods. The Bible validates quite nicely, thank you. Science is God revealed. Compassion is helping others to see Him.

I cannot yet compare this book to Janelle Hallman's "The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction," but I do plan to read that one, as well. One thing that disturbs me about Hallman's approach is the appearance (gleaned from articles I have read by her and about her) of affirming women who decide to maintain their lesbian identity. This sounds a bit fishy and unhealthy to me.

As for the gay activists posing as reviewers here who diss Anne merely because she is married to John Paulk and obviously have not read her book ... what childishness! Certainly lends credence to Elizabeth Moberly's classic assertions that homosexuals are stuck in adolescence, developmentally speaking.

This book is very helpful, educating and understanding. I ordered this and gave it away to a family member. I will order another one and may give it away, too. Being educated really helps when a family member is struggling with sexual identity.

First of all her husband was found cavorting around for an hour in a gay bar telling men that he was gay. He also was interviewed and often said that he and his wife were not fully 'cured' of their homosexuality. Also, research was conducted and they could not find ONE ex-lesbian partner of hers. She finally admitted that she had more of an emotional connection with women as opposed to a sexual one. She is not nor never has been a lesbian. Also, she fails to note that there are MANY hetrosexual people who have domineering mothers and fathers - this argument is old, out dated and was never a proven argument. She and the organization she works for have a proven track record of not changing anyone other than hetrosexual people who were experimenting and were never actually gay or lesbian. They would admit it but there is too much money to be made - all this book does is perpetuate lies.

A well-researched book that contains a lot of information to the causes of lesbianism. It also contains a very interesting chapter on "born this way" theories and why they are unscientifical. Finally a book on homosexuality that is based on facts and not popular believes! A must read for any woman who is struggling with same sex attraction, and for anyone who knows a woman with this issues.

The reason I give this book 4 stars instead of 5 is because I believe the author is slightly romanticizing mainstream femininity, which might scare away "masculine" women of any sexual orientation from taking this book seriously.

Trying to change who you naturally are and were meant to be is unnatural. This is the sort of literature that drives people to depression and unfortunately suicide.