I actually took the time to peruse all the 115 reviews written on the book before I wrote this review and one thing is VERY clear to me: most of the naysayers aren't young women. And I think I know why. It's because the average young woman is afraid to read this book. After I finished it, I was seized by the urge to buy it for all my girlfriends, and then I realized most of them wouldn't appreciate it, probably would never even open it. Why? Because then they would have to listen to the little voice inside that says something is amiss in today's sexual politics and it's the women that are getting screwed. And then they'd have to deal with it, and that's hard. What Wendy Shalit has done is HARD. You have to be a young woman to appreciate the enormity of it. If you're fifty, or a man, or live in Smalltown USA, I support your right to an opinion, but at least admit that without experiencing what Shalit's talking about, you don't have a real foundation for calling what she says hogwash.
Are some of the criticisms valid? Most assuredly. Her writing leaves much to be desired, and the book often reads like a college paper. And so the research wasn't particularly outstanding, and (as all people making an argument do) she puts her own spin on the quotes on to make her point. I don't even know if I believe modesty is the answer to today's ills, and I definitely don’t support paternalism and a return to the patriarchy. (And, yes her references to her economist father irritate me too; I don't know what that has to do with anything)
BUT, what Wendy Shalit is saying about how today's sexual culture is eating young women alive is DEAD ON. I have spent the last five years of my life watching young women around me buckle under the weight of sexual freedom that defines college campuses and the twentysomething scene (and apparently high school too these days), and it is SAD. You don't have to be religious or conservative or embrace the no-sex-before-marriage ideal to see that Shalit's got a point. Yes women like sex, and they should be free to choose to have it whenever they want. The trouble is, too often, the emotional stakes are higher for women than they are for men. Now you might be getting angry, because you don't want to hear this. I myself used to fight adamantly against the idea that men and women differ in more than just genitalia, but it's the inescapable truth, and I found that by denying it, I was only making it more difficult for myself. Like everything else in life, there are exceptions to this, but in my 23 years, I haven't found any. In fact, all I've found is this: Most of the young women I know who are involved in purely sexual relationships want them to be more, even if there isn't a chance in hell and even if they repeatedly assure you AND the guy that they don't want more. Same goes for most young women in casual relationships or relationships where they're both "seeing other people". And more than anything, I know this: MANY young women who are routinely involved in myriad casual sexual relationships, (and particularly those who claim to be proud of this) are depressed, have body image and self-esteem problems, and are actually pretty good candidates for Prozac. And yes, the sex has a LOT to do with it. Because, you see, sex in any context involves a certain level of vulnerability. When you've got that going on physically without an emotional accompaniment, it can be very disconcerting, and can crush your self-esteem. The men I know are not having these problems; they're having a lot of sex, but not these problems.
Now, I don't propose that we all "return to modesty", and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live their lives. What I do know is that young women are being emotionally battered on a daily basis by being involved in "relationships" that involve a LOT of sexual contact and very little emotional intimacy and/or commitment, and even if they tell you they don't, most of them want more, CRAVE more, in fact. But we're embarrassed and afraid to admit it, because we're SUPPOSED to be cool with things the way they are. If you're one of these women who are TRULY "cool" with thing the way they are, I applaud you. And I mean that sincerely, because you've got the coping skills to make it in today's sexual marketplace, but most of us don't. And the sooner we admit it, the sooner we'll stop hurting silently inside and come up with some sort of solution. I don't claim to know what the solution is, or even that there is one blanket solution that will suit every woman, but if we're all just honest enough to admit that what's going on here kinda stinks, we'll be one step closer.
Every young woman should read this book. Not right away perhaps, because it's the kind of argument you have to be ready to hear. If you read this book with an open and, above all, HONEST mind, you won't be able to deny that Shalit has a point.
Maybe I WILL buy it for all my girlfriends after all...
