A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue [Paperback]

Wendy Shalit (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 24, 2000

Where once a young woman had to be ashamed of her sexual experience, today she is ashamed of her sexual inexperience. Where not long ago an unmarried woman was ashamed to give public evidence of sexual desire by living with someone, today she must be ashamed to give evidence of romantic desire. From sex education in grade school to coed bathrooms in college, today's young woman is being pressured relentlessly to overcome her embarrassment, her "hang-ups," and especially her romantic hopes.

Meanwhile, the problems young women struggle with grow steadily more extreme: from sexual harassment, stalking, and date rape to anorexia and self-mutilation. Both men and women endlessly lament the loss of privacy and of real intimacy. What is it all about?

Beholden neither to conservatives who discount as exaggeration the dangers facing young women, nor to feminists who steadfastly affix blame on the patriarchy, Wendy Shalit proposes that, in fact, we have lost our respect for an important classical virtue -- that of sexual modesty. A Return to Modesty is a deeply personal account as well as a fascinating intellectual exploration. From seventeenth-century manners guides to Antonio Canova's sculpture, Venus Italico, to Frank Loesser's 1948 tune, "Baby, It's Cold Outside," A Return to Modesty unfolds like a detective's search for a lost idea as Shalit uncovers opinions about this lost virtue's importance, from Balzac to Simone de Beauvoir, that have not been aired for decades. Then she knocks down the accompanying myths one by one. Female modesty is not about a "sexual double standard," as is often thought, but is related to male virtue and honor. Modesty is not a social construct, but a natural response. And modesty is not prudery, but a way to preserve a sense of the erotic in our lives.

With humor and piercing insight, Shalit invites us to look beyond the blush and consider the new power to be found in an old ideal. She maintains that the sex education curriculum forced on those of her generation from an early age is fundamentally flawed, centered as it is on overcoming reticence -- what we today call "hang-ups." Shalit surprisingly and persuasively argues that without these misnamed hang-ups there can be no true surrender, no richness and depth to relations between the sexes. The natural inclination toward modesty is not a hang-up that we should set out to cure, but rather a wonderful instinct that, if rediscovered and given the right social support, has the power to transform society.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

The 23-year-old author first heard of "modestyniks"--Orthodox Jewish women who withhold physical contact from men until marriage--while a freshman at Williams College. She was initially fascinated by the way in which they cleave to old ideals, especially amid a sexually saturated contemporary world. But more so, Wendy Shalit was aghast at how modestyniks are dismissed as sick, delusional, or repressed by the secular community. "Why," asks the author, "is sexual modesty so threatening to some that they can only respond to it with charges of abuse or delusion?"

In her thoughtful three-part essay, the author reveals an impressive reading list as she probes the cultural history of sexual modesty for women and considers whether this virtue may be beneficial in today's world--if not an antidote to misogyny. In an age when women are embarrassed by sexual inexperience, when sex education is introduced as early as primary school, and when women suffer more than ever from eating disorders, stalking, sexual harassment, and date rape, Shalit believes a return to modesty may place women on equal footing with men. She yearns for a time when conservatives can believe the claims of feminists and feminists can differentiate between patriarchy and misogyny and share in the dialectic of female sexuality.

While the young author's argument is often limited by naiveté and her own lack of experience, her profound intelligence and daring are undeniable. A Return to Modesty is a thought-provoking debut that introduces an original and exciting new feminist thinker. --Kera Bolonik --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Kirkus Reviews

A heartfelt (and controversial) plea, insisting that the power to heal the American female's ills lies in the reinstatement of sexual restraint, resurrection of romantic ideals, and simple good manners. Twenty-three-year-old Williams College graduate Shalit, whose 15 minutes of fame arrived when her red-faced critique of co-ed bathrooms on campus reached the pages of Reader's Digest, has produced a daring book aimed at the core of contemporary gender theory. Shalit demonstrates familiarity with both conservative and feminist explanations of women's problems such as eating disorders, teen pregnancy, date rape, and stalking, but presents what she terms a ``middle path'' to elucidating and curing these problems. It is natural for women to be modest, she argues, and low self-esteem and disrespect from men were natural consequences of the promotion of sexual promiscuity among young people of both sexes. There is true compassion for womens sense of self in her critique of premarital sexual practices, and she insists that while male behavior is often unacceptable and degrading to women, men are only acting rationally within the constraints of popular expectations. She finds that despite the stigma placed on modesty today some traces remain, pointing towards the primordial defenses that once protected women by placing them out of reach of men who were not prepared to commit and treat them with respect. Orthodox Jewish rules of modesty and Islamic dress provide Shalit with material to show the benefits of restraint in male-female relations: it puts women in control of access to their bodies, allows them to preserve the beauty of their romantic aspirations, compels men to invest themselves in relationships, and enhances the erotic potential of eventual intimacy, she says. The message of this book is rarely heard, it is audacious, and it should not be dismissed out of handdespite Shalit's occasional reliance on women's magazines such as Mademoiselle and Elle as a source of information on the state of the American female soul. -- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone; First Edition edition (January 24, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684863170
• ISBN-13: 978-0684863177
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (179 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #64,024 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #83 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Women's Studies > Feminist Theory

More About the Author

Wendy Shalit was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and received her Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy from Williams College in 1997.

Her essays have appeared in Commentary, Slate, the Wall Street Journal and other publications. Her first book, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue, was published by the Free Press in 1999.

The response from young women around the world prompted her to launch the group blog ModestlyYours.net, an online forum for women who don't have a voice in the mainstream media.

The Good Girl Revolution is her second book.

Wendy lives with her husband and son in Toronto, Ontario, where she enjoys various modern appliances such as the dishwasher, and has no desire to return to the 19th Century.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

141 of 148 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars At last someone calls the emperor naked..., January 22, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue (Paperback)

I actually took the time to peruse all the 115 reviews written on the book before I wrote this review and one thing is VERY clear to me: most of the naysayers aren't young women. And I think I know why. It's because the average young woman is afraid to read this book. After I finished it, I was seized by the urge to buy it for all my girlfriends, and then I realized most of them wouldn't appreciate it, probably would never even open it. Why? Because then they would have to listen to the little voice inside that says something is amiss in today's sexual politics and it's the women that are getting screwed. And then they'd have to deal with it, and that's hard. What Wendy Shalit has done is HARD. You have to be a young woman to appreciate the enormity of it. If you're fifty, or a man, or live in Smalltown USA, I support your right to an opinion, but at least admit that without experiencing what Shalit's talking about, you don't have a real foundation for calling what she says hogwash.

Are some of the criticisms valid? Most assuredly. Her writing leaves much to be desired, and the book often reads like a college paper. And so the research wasn't particularly outstanding, and (as all people making an argument do) she puts her own spin on the quotes on to make her point. I don't even know if I believe modesty is the answer to today's ills, and I definitely don’t support paternalism and a return to the patriarchy. (And, yes her references to her economist father irritate me too; I don't know what that has to do with anything)

BUT, what Wendy Shalit is saying about how today's sexual culture is eating young women alive is DEAD ON. I have spent the last five years of my life watching young women around me buckle under the weight of sexual freedom that defines college campuses and the twentysomething scene (and apparently high school too these days), and it is SAD. You don't have to be religious or conservative or embrace the no-sex-before-marriage ideal to see that Shalit's got a point. Yes women like sex, and they should be free to choose to have it whenever they want. The trouble is, too often, the emotional stakes are higher for women than they are for men. Now you might be getting angry, because you don't want to hear this. I myself used to fight adamantly against the idea that men and women differ in more than just genitalia, but it's the inescapable truth, and I found that by denying it, I was only making it more difficult for myself. Like everything else in life, there are exceptions to this, but in my 23 years, I haven't found any. In fact, all I've found is this: Most of the young women I know who are involved in purely sexual relationships want them to be more, even if there isn't a chance in hell and even if they repeatedly assure you AND the guy that they don't want more. Same goes for most young women in casual relationships or relationships where they're both "seeing other people". And more than anything, I know this: MANY young women who are routinely involved in myriad casual sexual relationships, (and particularly those who claim to be proud of this) are depressed, have body image and self-esteem problems, and are actually pretty good candidates for Prozac. And yes, the sex has a LOT to do with it. Because, you see, sex in any context involves a certain level of vulnerability. When you've got that going on physically without an emotional accompaniment, it can be very disconcerting, and can crush your self-esteem. The men I know are not having these problems; they're having a lot of sex, but not these problems.

Now, I don't propose that we all "return to modesty", and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live their lives. What I do know is that young women are being emotionally battered on a daily basis by being involved in "relationships" that involve a LOT of sexual contact and very little emotional intimacy and/or commitment, and even if they tell you they don't, most of them want more, CRAVE more, in fact. But we're embarrassed and afraid to admit it, because we're SUPPOSED to be cool with things the way they are. If you're one of these women who are TRULY "cool" with thing the way they are, I applaud you. And I mean that sincerely, because you've got the coping skills to make it in today's sexual marketplace, but most of us don't. And the sooner we admit it, the sooner we'll stop hurting silently inside and come up with some sort of solution. I don't claim to know what the solution is, or even that there is one blanket solution that will suit every woman, but if we're all just honest enough to admit that what's going on here kinda stinks, we'll be one step closer.

Every young woman should read this book. Not right away perhaps, because it's the kind of argument you have to be ready to hear. If you read this book with an open and, above all, HONEST mind, you won't be able to deny that Shalit has a point.

Maybe I WILL buy it for all my girlfriends after all...

64 of 67 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Modesty the Modern Woman Can Understand, November 24, 2005

By 

Kyra_Athena "Kyra_Athena" (Georgia USA) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue (Paperback)

I bought this book on a recommendation so I wasn't too sure what to expect. Some of Ms. Shalit's experiences growing up in the public school system mirrored some of my own. Looking back, sex education, at least the way it was done in my school system, encouraged promiscuity through experimentation and left girls open to harassment. Sexuality became a contest for many at my school. It was a competition. Those who chose to not be sexually active were often pressured and made fun of due to their decision. I agree that our culture "sexualizes" our children far too early.

Reading this book resolved any question I had about how my daughter would be guided. Modesty in behavior and dress is not something to be ridiculed. When you have mothers dressing their own children in a provocative manner just because other teenagers are dressing that way, you just have to wonder. I am not advocating that women be subordinate or be treated badly. Dignity and respect are what I expect for all women. When a woman is valued, even by herself, for her sexuality above all else, some deep thought needs to take place.

I applaud Ms. Shalit for being brave and honest with herself in order to write this book.

55 of 59 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Loves beats lust, after all., May 11, 2005

By 

David Marshall (Seattle area) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue (Paperback)

A person who knows the thought of only his own time and country is like the frog in the Chinese proverb who looks at the sky from a well. Shalit makes good use of Jane Austen and other voices of sanity from eras bygone, including Jewish tradition, to launch a revolution against one of the most provincial and demeaning errors of our day: the "boys (and girls) will be boys" view of sexuality, that the only problems with promiscuity are STDs and unwanted pregancies, and those can be solved. She could have found a more holistic and human view of sex in other cultures as well as other eras, that aren't so nutty as our own in this particular way.

Admittedly, critics get in a few good licks below. Shalit repeats herself too much: the book should have been shortened by 20 pages. She portrays men as tending towards rudeness, filth, and animimalism as pigs tend towards mud; which seems a bit over the top.

But Shalit writes well and boldly. Her stories are fascinating; and frankly, American adults deserve the scolding she gives. Having unearthed strong supporting evidence that monogamy leads to better health, happiness, and even sexual fulfillment (for my book, Jesus and the Religions of Man), I also think the evidence is on Shalit's side. If I could, I might give a copy of this book to every high school girl in the country. (As a teacher, I am often faced with displays of student immodesty. Maybe I'd lose my job, but sometimes I would like to tell some of the girls, "You come to class dressed that way, and sure, you'll attract attention. But I also hear you saying, 'I don't think much of myself, and don't expect you to respect me, either.'")

I am disturbed by the psychology professor below who found that in a class of 63, "The rejection of Shalit's ideas was total," and described Shalit's argument as "a new way to debase women." What kind of Stalinist dictatorship yields such perfect agreement? And how could college kids, evidently brainwashed or afraid to let out a peep of disagreement, know that there was "much more ('hidden') violence" towards women before the sexual revolution? Check the census statistics for any state in the Union: the rate of sexual assaults, like every other violent crime, has skyrocketed since the 60s.

That sexual promiscuity ruins millions of lives is one of the most obvious facts about modern American society: the evidence is all around. Shalit proposes a modest solution. The really interesting psychological question is why that solution, echoing the wisdom of many ages and cultures, seems to bother some modern folks.