Customer Reviews

A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue

5 star:		(87)
4 star:		(39)
3 star:		(16)
2 star:		(10)
1 star:		(27)

 

 

I actually took the time to peruse all the 115 reviews written on the book before I wrote this review and one thing is VERY clear to me: most of the naysayers aren't young women. And I think I know why. It's because the average young woman is afraid to read this book. After I finished it, I was seized by the urge to buy it for all my girlfriends, and then I realized most of them wouldn't appreciate it, probably would never even open it. Why? Because then they would have to listen to the little voice inside that says something is amiss in today's sexual politics and it's the women that are getting screwed. And then they'd have to deal with it, and that's hard. What Wendy Shalit has done is HARD. You have to be a young woman to appreciate the enormity of it. If you're fifty, or a man, or live in Smalltown USA, I support your right to an opinion, but at least admit that without experiencing what Shalit's talking about, you don't have a real foundation for calling what she says hogwash.

Are some of the criticisms valid? Most assuredly. Her writing leaves much to be desired, and the book often reads like a college paper. And so the research wasn't particularly outstanding, and (as all people making an argument do) she puts her own spin on the quotes on to make her point. I don't even know if I believe modesty is the answer to today's ills, and I definitely don’t support paternalism and a return to the patriarchy. (And, yes her references to her economist father irritate me too; I don't know what that has to do with anything)

BUT, what Wendy Shalit is saying about how today's sexual culture is eating young women alive is DEAD ON. I have spent the last five years of my life watching young women around me buckle under the weight of sexual freedom that defines college campuses and the twentysomething scene (and apparently high school too these days), and it is SAD. You don't have to be religious or conservative or embrace the no-sex-before-marriage ideal to see that Shalit's got a point. Yes women like sex, and they should be free to choose to have it whenever they want. The trouble is, too often, the emotional stakes are higher for women than they are for men. Now you might be getting angry, because you don't want to hear this. I myself used to fight adamantly against the idea that men and women differ in more than just genitalia, but it's the inescapable truth, and I found that by denying it, I was only making it more difficult for myself. Like everything else in life, there are exceptions to this, but in my 23 years, I haven't found any. In fact, all I've found is this: Most of the young women I know who are involved in purely sexual relationships want them to be more, even if there isn't a chance in hell and even if they repeatedly assure you AND the guy that they don't want more. Same goes for most young women in casual relationships or relationships where they're both "seeing other people". And more than anything, I know this: MANY young women who are routinely involved in myriad casual sexual relationships, (and particularly those who claim to be proud of this) are depressed, have body image and self-esteem problems, and are actually pretty good candidates for Prozac. And yes, the sex has a LOT to do with it. Because, you see, sex in any context involves a certain level of vulnerability. When you've got that going on physically without an emotional accompaniment, it can be very disconcerting, and can crush your self-esteem. The men I know are not having these problems; they're having a lot of sex, but not these problems.

Now, I don't propose that we all "return to modesty", and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live their lives. What I do know is that young women are being emotionally battered on a daily basis by being involved in "relationships" that involve a LOT of sexual contact and very little emotional intimacy and/or commitment, and even if they tell you they don't, most of them want more, CRAVE more, in fact. But we're embarrassed and afraid to admit it, because we're SUPPOSED to be cool with things the way they are. If you're one of these women who are TRULY "cool" with thing the way they are, I applaud you. And I mean that sincerely, because you've got the coping skills to make it in today's sexual marketplace, but most of us don't. And the sooner we admit it, the sooner we'll stop hurting silently inside and come up with some sort of solution. I don't claim to know what the solution is, or even that there is one blanket solution that will suit every woman, but if we're all just honest enough to admit that what's going on here kinda stinks, we'll be one step closer.

Every young woman should read this book. Not right away perhaps, because it's the kind of argument you have to be ready to hear. If you read this book with an open and, above all, HONEST mind, you won't be able to deny that Shalit has a point.

Maybe I WILL buy it for all my girlfriends after all...

I bought this book on a recommendation so I wasn't too sure what to expect. Some of Ms. Shalit's experiences growing up in the public school system mirrored some of my own. Looking back, sex education, at least the way it was done in my school system, encouraged promiscuity through experimentation and left girls open to harassment. Sexuality became a contest for many at my school. It was a competition. Those who chose to not be sexually active were often pressured and made fun of due to their decision. I agree that our culture "sexualizes" our children far too early.

Reading this book resolved any question I had about how my daughter would be guided. Modesty in behavior and dress is not something to be ridiculed. When you have mothers dressing their own children in a provocative manner just because other teenagers are dressing that way, you just have to wonder. I am not advocating that women be subordinate or be treated badly. Dignity and respect are what I expect for all women. When a woman is valued, even by herself, for her sexuality above all else, some deep thought needs to take place.

I applaud Ms. Shalit for being brave and honest with herself in order to write this book.

A person who knows the thought of only his own time and country is like the frog in the Chinese proverb who looks at the sky from a well. Shalit makes good use of Jane Austen and other voices of sanity from eras bygone, including Jewish tradition, to launch a revolution against one of the most provincial and demeaning errors of our day: the "boys (and girls) will be boys" view of sexuality, that the only problems with promiscuity are STDs and unwanted pregancies, and those can be solved. She could have found a more holistic and human view of sex in other cultures as well as other eras, that aren't so nutty as our own in this particular way.

Admittedly, critics get in a few good licks below. Shalit repeats herself too much: the book should have been shortened by 20 pages. She portrays men as tending towards rudeness, filth, and animimalism as pigs tend towards mud; which seems a bit over the top.

But Shalit writes well and boldly. Her stories are fascinating; and frankly, American adults deserve the scolding she gives. Having unearthed strong supporting evidence that monogamy leads to better health, happiness, and even sexual fulfillment (for my book, Jesus and the Religions of Man), I also think the evidence is on Shalit's side. If I could, I might give a copy of this book to every high school girl in the country. (As a teacher, I am often faced with displays of student immodesty. Maybe I'd lose my job, but sometimes I would like to tell some of the girls, "You come to class dressed that way, and sure, you'll attract attention. But I also hear you saying, 'I don't think much of myself, and don't expect you to respect me, either.'")

I am disturbed by the psychology professor below who found that in a class of 63, "The rejection of Shalit's ideas was total," and described Shalit's argument as "a new way to debase women." What kind of Stalinist dictatorship yields such perfect agreement? And how could college kids, evidently brainwashed or afraid to let out a peep of disagreement, know that there was "much more ('hidden') violence" towards women before the sexual revolution? Check the census statistics for any state in the Union: the rate of sexual assaults, like every other violent crime, has skyrocketed since the 60s.

That sexual promiscuity ruins millions of lives is one of the most obvious facts about modern American society: the evidence is all around. Shalit proposes a modest solution. The really interesting psychological question is why that solution, echoing the wisdom of many ages and cultures, seems to bother some modern folks.

Okay, the author is young. Fine. Sure, she's inexperienced. Fine. And this book began life as a college paper. Frankly, if any college paper deserved to be published and mass-marketed, this is the one.

We're not talking erudition here, but a refreshing, daring, nearly-in-your-face look at a heretofore unseen culture -- ours. What would happen, people wondered many, many years ago, if sex were free? If sexual relationships didn't have to be legitimized by church or state to exist without public scorn? Wouldn't it be wonderful? These were not just male writers, understand, but also well-educated women who yearned for what seemed impossible, different, liberating.

Fast-forward a few decades, and the impossible has become all too possible. Here we are, folks, and guess what? It's not different, it's the same old banal same old. It's not liberating, to feel stuck in a culture that benefits some while treating others as disposable wipes. And it's for sure not free. The costs of the devaluation of modesty, as Shalit makes clear, have been enormous.

Societal costs range from the spread of AIDS to increasing rape to pre-pubertal girls being hit on by boys whose testosterone has only begun to flower, leaving their brains well behind. The personal costs, though, accompany all this, as every statistic is the sum of personal stories, the kind women tell women and men rarely believe.

I've been very lucky. I was divorced several years ago, and until recently was too heartsore and terribly busy for even dating. Thus I avoided sexual pressure. Was it lonely? Frustrating? You betcha. But the benefits of being forced to wait, I see now, outweighed any fleeting pleasure I might have attained. By staying alone, I was made to examine what I wanted, what I needed in a man, in a love that made physical/emotional/spiritual sense. Doing self-designed bibliotherapy helped, even if I did begin with (oh, dear!) John Gray. One moves on. One learns. One contemplates. And leading a semi-cloistered life is what fuels growth where growth needs to be.

One of the rarely discussed aspects of promiscuity is its emotional desperation, the sense of "having to" -- having to, perhaps, fill an emotional void? Connect on a simple, mechanical level, because the concept of further connection is too fearsome? Having to, just maybe, avoid longstanding fear (of abandonment, betrayal, pain, anguish) by never recognizing, acknowledging it? The unnamed does not exist.

Except it does. We all know it does, and the unnamed is more dangerous in being undefined, since naming brings power and reduces fear.

Promiscuity does cause all the ills Shalit so ably describes. But it also denigrates human connection. It prevents one's exploration of the soul, the soul's connection to others, and to its Creator, to the Light. Thus, male or female, we are all made less and are kept in shadow by our own, and others', promiscuity and lack of modesty.

This is a dreadful thing for a culture to face, and difficult to transform. Think of turning an aircraft carrier 180 degrees. But the alternative? The alternative is to stay stuck, to remain preserved in a form we cannot change, to be, in a sense, pickled, brined, salted down.

Lot's wife, anyone?

This is an important, thoughtful look at what has gone awry in Western culture's obsessive preoccupation with sex. Since the sixties women have been led to believe that they could be as sexually promiscuous and licentious as any old man and not suffer emotional consequences. But as any woman will tell you, emotional conflicts usually develop in a woman after she has sex. Even if she doesn't like the man she has slept with, she may suffer more guilt or remorse or pain through the act of sex itself than a man might.

I am 40 and held out my virginity until age 21, at which point I was simply too embarrassed to wait any longer. Everyone else was having sex: why not I? I never had a desire to marry until recently. A woman may decide for perfectly legitimate reasons that she wants to be free from the bonds of marriage. Yet looking back on my life, I can see that the sexual relationships I have had with men simply didn't pan out emotionally for me. Oh, I'm grateful for meeting some wonderful men, and I'm grateful for never having had to suffer the sort of emotional or physical abuse that many women are subject too. Yet premarital sex is, retrospectively, rather empty and dreary.

I read standard feminist literature in the 70s and absorbed the principles of freedom for women. I couldn't imagine a better life than living alone, studying books, drinking wine, dating men. And in most respects I got just what I wanted: a very exciting youth filled with many affairs and loves. But none were lasting, none were truly romantic, none were deep and sustaining.

The fact is, no one really told me how a woman ought to behave in this world. No one gave me solid pointers about the difference between men and women. And the differences between men and women are profound.

So if you are a young woman just starting out in life, read Wendy Shalit's book and give it some thought. You may decide that you want something deeper and more reliable than the instant sexual gratification that most of us have sold our souls for. If you decide to opt to wait until marriage to have sex, you will be part of a minority, but a proud one, and you will retain your dignity and self-respect.

In this book, Wendy Shalit makes two related arguments. First, contemporary culture in the post-sexual revolution world is not all it's made out to be, and in fact the basic tenants of the sexual revolution (women want promiscuous sex as much as men, etc.) are simply not true. Second, the traditional virtue of modesty has a lot to teach us about why the sexual revolution failed, especially because modesty teaches us things about what it means to be human that the sexual revolution either ignored or attempted to debunk.

Shalit is very thorough in making her points and backing them up with specific examples. The examples she uses throughout this book are insightful and profound; they "ring true", as it were. To be sure, her target audience is women. I am not a woman, but I am married to one, and from conversations with my wife and other women I get the sense that the issues that are discussed in this book are central to what it means to be female.

Aside from the great content, Shalit is a good writer. Her prose is intelligent, even witty. I found myself laughing quite often because of how well she exposes the folly of our culture. At the same time, Shalit ably examines some of the truly tragic sides of our culture. Her examination of what our teenage girls have to go through, for example, is enough to make you cry.

I think Shalit is on to something that is true and profound, and I would recommend this book to almost anyone. I would hesitate to give this book to anyone younger than 16 or so, as the descriptions of the victimization of girls and women in our society are at times depressing, even scary. Needless to say, these are issues our society must confront if we're going to get back to more humane relations between the sexes. A must read for anyone who thinks it's time for a change in how we treat one another.

Be prepared that you can't read A Return to Modesty in one sitting...the book is very thorough and requires time to consider and digest what you are reading. When a friend of mine recommended Shalit's book, I thought "Oh great, a book telling me how I should dress & how I should act." I was pleasantly surprised at the extremely intelligent, profound, well-thought commentary Shalit provides women of all ages. I am in my mid-20s and I loved it, my friends loved it, and my mother loved it. The subject matter will no doubt spur deep, meaningful conversations with anyone else who has read it.
This book offers women something we do not regularly receive through our culture and the media--confidence and permission to be what we were created to be: women. Thank you, Wendy, for this intelligent, thorough, INCREDIBLE book.

Isn't it funny how people are determined to make everyone's choices for them? Supposedly women are now free, or more free than they have been, and therefore can now be how they wish to be. This is untrue because society ridicules women who want to be feminine, beautiful and revered. The ideas Ms.Shalit presents are very frightening to some women. I would suggest that those women let it go and do what they are doing. Are they so concerned about my happiness that they must tell me that these ideas are wrong? I have decided to try them for myself. I am from a very religious home and have always been modest. It was refreshing and comforting to read a book that said that modern women could believe in modesty without being freaks. Actually, I have led a very lucky and very happy, blessed life. I wonder about the angry militant women who tell me I should not be the way I am. I am so much more comfortable and happy than they are. I have been well cared for and protected by men. The writing style of this book is very good and Ms.Shalit speaks to us, the young women in a voice we can recognize. The society we have now is very afraid of ideas that go against the accepted norm (free sex, ugly clothes, frightening life choices, etc.) Read this book for yourself. Realize that there are other choices that can be made. Whatever your own position, it should not panic you to read Ms.Shalit's perspective. It is a very thoughtful and exceptionally well put together book. I entirely disagree with the critisisms of the previous reviewer directly below.

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Being a fourteen year-old male, this book touched on subjects that are really starting to take precedence in my life, namely, how I treat the opposite sex in both a nonphysical and sexual sense. Though I did not agree with some of her more conservative viewpoints, I found that the author did an excellent job of portraying the situations and trials of adolescent girls as I have observed firsthand and offered some very sensible, and not altogether impractical solutions. Young women I find are increasingly spouting off ultra-liberal rhetoric that the media and society have ingrained in them without really comprehending the full meaning of the ideology, having never been around to experience anything otherwise. Too them, it seems, women's rights means that a female can do anything she wants totally without inhibition and anyone who says otherwise is mysogenistic if male or seriously disturbed if female. At the same time, that behavior which is seen as putting women on the same level as men (or girls as boys) is in fact depriving them of more meaningful and mature relationships. I am encouraging all of my teenage friends to read this book, for I believe that it is they who might benefit the most from it.

As a 23-year old woman who has spent the last few years looking around wondering what the hell is going on, Wendy Shalit's book comes as a welcome relief. I live in the world Wendy Shalit describes and I can tell you she has hit the nail squarely on the head. In the politics of male/female relationships (or more often, non-relationships) today, women almost always lose, and they lose for precisely the reasons Wendy Shalit outlines, yet we persist in playing this game.

Before you decry Wendy Shalit as some sort of religious freak, ask the young single women you know about their sex lives, about their intimate encounters. Every day, young women all over the U.S. try to play a game they can't win. Yes, there are some women for whom sex is not emotional and who can hook and unhook with various men with ease. But for the VAST majority of young women, this is not the case. And most who claim this is the case are lying. At their core, most young women want commitment, and stability, not the present casual approach to everything. However, when we are told that this is what we are SUPPOSED to want, we will go to any lengths to convince ourselves, often experiencing significant emotional damage in the process. I applaud Wendy Shalit for taking such a bold step in writing this book, in saying what so many of us know deep down inside but are afraid to say.

The only reason I didn't give this book 5 stars is that Shalit's writing wavers between college thesis and casual chit-chat. I also disagree with her insistence that the time prior to the sexual revolution was all rosy. It wasn't, or there would have been no revolution. However, Shalit's right when she says that what we've got now is even worse.

If you're a woman under 30 or are trying to understand what young women are going through today, you MUST read this book, even if you think she's a freak. Don't knock it 'til you've read it; and read with an open, honest mind. At the end of it all, you might surprise yourself.