Customer Reviews

Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect

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This book blew me away. It is fabulous. It is the kind of book for singles that I have thought doesn't exist. Let me confess: I hated being single two years ago, even tho I am really happy about it right now. It just felt so unfair. So I thought "You need a Christian self-help book for singles, that will fix it". And oh what a great choice we have. There is Michelle McKinney-Hammond, whose books on the topic did virtually NOTHING for me. Her writing, it is ALL about *preparing* and waiting for that perfect God-blessed relationship. Sorry, but I don't even KNOW whether God has that planned for me, so why would I spend so much time *getting ready for Mr Right?*. Then there is Nancy Leigh Demoss. Her apporach is far more true to God's word and actually considers the concept and joys of life-long singleness. Or at least a life that doesn't center on waiting for God-sent Prince Charming. I liked that. Because it destroyed the myth that only a life spent in a relationship is a life worth living. BUT....what I am missing in this type of book is my down-to-earth everyday life as as single and how I sometimes *coughs*euphemism*coughs* struggle with it. You know...finding out that even God-trusting singles of the kind that strive to please God have to come to terms with certain things. And Gilliams's book addresses all that in a way that I -a woman who is in her mid-20s in 2006 and was raised in a non-Chritian household in a pleasure-obsessed world- can relate to. Chapters like "I Just Gotta Be Queen", "Not Getting It" (and yes, she means *it*) and "So, Why aren't you married?" give an idea. This is no dreamy Christian-Women-have-no-physical-and-emotional-desires-and-naturally-bloom-in-volunteer-work type of book. This is about your average woman who has made a commitment to the Lord that seems to be against everything modern western culture advocates and against what a not-to-be-understimated part of herself simply *wants*. Don't get me wrong, the author NEVER fails to give God His place in this book, but she understands that striving to be a woman after Gods' own heart does NOT mean being "naturally" and "effortlessly" chaste and happy-about-her-situation. In fact, Gilliam points out that it is the struggle, the effort and yes, the suffering, which help us to follow and understand Christ. So: Does THIS book help me at all? yes. It makes me feel I am being understood by other people in this situation and reminds me that the ultimate reason for going through what sometimes is not a pleasure is to glorify God. And the author does all that in the funniest, most down-to-earth yet biblical way I could possibly have wished for. Highly recommended.

REVELATIONS OF A SINGLE WOMAN
Loving the Life I Didn't Expect
By Connally Gilliam

Why would a happily married (for 33 years) father of three and grandfather of four read a book with a title like this? For one thing I have a single daughter, and I wanted to understand it better before passing it on to her. Most importantly, however, this is a book about unfulfilled expectations, and everyone has to deal with that sooner or later. The subtitle "Loving the life I didn't expect" should have tipped me off, but I was 80% of the way through the book before it hit me that this is really a book about unfulfilled expectations.

Victor, Frankl, who survived a Nazi concentration camp, said that the ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose one's attitude. Connally Gilliam has learned this through unintended singleness. She never expected to still be unmarried in her late thirties, but that is how it turned out, and she deals with it by exercising this ultimate freedom to choose her attitude. She writes movingly of how she has discovered that the real source of joy is not to be found in a relationship with another human being but rather in a relationship with the triune God. She writes:

"I say this now with greater clarity and conviction than I did a few years ago. It has taken me a while to get this `source of joy' thing straight. The struggle is probably half of what this book is about. And even now, I must be reminded of what's true in a myriad of ways from a myriad of sources....at the risk of sounding like a clichéd bumper sticker, I'm just going to say it. There's one true, if mysterious, source of inexpressible and glorious joy: the triune God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit - a.k.a the Joy Maker."

She quotes the wife of an older mentor: "It is better to be single, wanting to be married than it is to be married wanting to be single." There is a lot of wisdom in that, and if the divorce statistics are any indication, there are a lot of married people who want to be single, because at least half of them go through the messy, expensive process of becoming single again. One suspects that there are a sizable number in the other half who are "married wanting to be single" but who stay together for the sake of the kids or for appearances or whatever.

But that is small comfort to single people, especially single women who long to be married. Connally Gilliam writes about this longing poignantly and intelligently.

This book touches on many of the issues facing this generation of women, which is arguably the first generation of "liberated" women who have access to career choices that previous generations only dreamed of. The author does not disparage women who have ambitions to succeed professionally, but she does note that, for all they have gained, women have lost something as well.

The book does not shy away from the hard questions either, in particular questions of sexuality. In an age where anyone who is not sleeping with a member of the opposite sex is suspected of being gay (this actually happened to Miss Gilliam), celibacy is the exception rather than the rule. The author honestly faces these questions in three well-written chapters devoted to the tensions and misunderstandings faced by a celibate single woman.

Work and career also receive excellent treatment. The question of the tension faced by women who want meaningful work and marriage is raised. Successful, ambitions single women are often a threat to men, so should a girl "hold back" professionally in order to improve her chances of marriage?

This is an excellent work on the tensions and issues faced by women who are unexpectedly single at the beginning of the 21st century. I would recommend it highly to both married and single women, as well as to men who have to relate to women. And who doesn't?

John Ed Robertson
March 20, 2006

When Connally Gilliam asked me to review her book, Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect (Tyndale, 2006), I considered it a good way to get to know Connally. I have appreciated her posts on this site, especially the one entitled, "The Jealousy of God." And I thought we had a lot in common: English majors who grew up in Virginia, serving in parachurch ministry, similar age, and single and loving our lives.

Where I hesitated internally-and I didn't tell Connally this-is the subject matter. I don't care for books about being single. There are so many thoughtful books waiting on my bedside table that a singleness book is not a priority. (Not to say there aren't thoughtful books about singleness.) But usually they end up as commands to be content, instructions on keeping clear sexual boundaries or how to's in using this season of "freedom" to serve God.

Thankfully, Connally's book is not centered on these topics. Instead, it is about a wise woman's experiences with her God, with her friends (male, female, married, single), and with her self. Connallly asks all the questions I've asked myself: How do I live with the fragmentation and isolation of today's world? What does it look like to have life-giving relationships with my family, my friends, my community? How much of myself do I give to my career? Is full satisfaction available this side of heaven? What do I think a man should be/do/stand for?

And Connally's voice is clear and strong, a real tribute to a first-time author. Her personality jumps off the pages; she is honest in her longings, true to her faith story, and welcoming in the conversation. Plus, she's downright funny! She introduces the reader to tens of her friends' and their experiences and thoughts. I liked that. Hearing from all sorts of people gives Revelations of a Single Woman a broad reach--but not so broad that that it thins out. In fact, I think this book has so much content it could have been two, or even three!

Connally is at her best, though, when she offers more of herself than even she, a clear extrovert, feels comfortable. My favorite exchange occurs in Chapter 13, when an old, wise friend challenges her to "suffer well" the isolation of singleness. Connally tearfully asks what it means to do so. "It meant admitting that the confusion plaguing me . . . was real and not easily navigated. It meant owning my unmet desires and the related disappointment. And it also meant holding on to and holding up the goodness and realness of God in the midst of it. [Her friend's] words about suffering prophetically had felt like a gut-level punch. But in reality, they were more like the compassion-induced Heimlich maneuver, freeing me to live."

May her courage be contagious--in the lives of all believers.

During a 12 year pastorate helping to lead a large single adult community in a California church I often looked for a "defining" book that would be of broad use in our community regarding issues of singleness. Defining chapters and paragraphs turned up regularly but rarely did a whole book until now! Connally Gilliam has written a book that will cross many groups and many boundaries.
First, her book is not just for women. There are thousands of men out there who would gain an enormous new understanding and appreciation for the women in their life from reading through these twenty chapters. Hopefully, they will have some healthy and honest talks with their female friends and relatives as a result.
Second, this is not just a book for Christians. Though Connally leaves no doubt as to her own religious convictions she sets out such a thoughtful and comprehensive conversation that anyone, religious or not, is bound to enjoy this discussion and find themselves eager to reply to this deeply committed Christian who somehow covers all the issues the culture at large is already talking about. If you are already a Christian, you might be surprised by some of things Connally is willing to talk about. If you are not a Christian, or of any religious persuasion at all, you might be surprised how intelligent and winsome her invitation is to engage in dialogue.
Third, this is not a book for sissies! There are a lot of lessons learned from the school of hard knocks between these pages. The author is not shy about sharing her own heartache in the classroom of life but also does not shrink from what she believes are self-evident truths and absolutes lines of behavior that hold true today as yesterday.
Are you ready to be more honest, thoughtful, and willing to face up to life's pain as well as pleasure? This is the book for you, don't miss it!

If you or anyone you know is unexpectedly single, you definitely don't want to miss reading this book. I LOVED every chapter and was sad to get to the end. I found it to be insightful and honest with a refreshing dose of humor and candor. I was grateful for Gilliam's willingness to share openly about the joys and struggles of singleness without compromising her beliefs in the truth of God's goodness and presence in her life. She masterfully articulates the fact that the issues and struggles are REAL, yet she gently leads the reader again and again to the God of hope who can and will meet us in our places of pain and disappointment. Gilliam dares to discuss even the secret and seldom talked about topics that face single women without coming across as preachy or as a prude. Her open-hearted style draws the reader in and her brilliant weaving of the stories and insights from other women rounds out the book beautifully. I believe Revelations of a Single Woman will be a source of encouragement and hope to single women of all ages. I am anxious to recommend it to my friends!

I enjoyed reading this book if only to see something written that actually reflected real issues and challenges in my life as a single woman over 35. Generally all you read about singleness is how to make yourself more attractive to date and find a good man. It's a focus on what you lack not what you have. This book asks - what do you do with your single reality now, however long it might last. Connally attempts to answer that question as she reflects on the issues that have come up in her life (from the feelings of loss as one friend after another gets married, to dealing with the awful question of "why aren't you married?", to building community in a busy, urban world, to why are men needed anyway in today's society, to name just a few.) There were some issues I couldn't relate to because I'm wired quite differently from her, but there were enough where I could to make it interesting. Connally doesn't run away from the hard issues in herself or in her situation (even when she might feel like it, or especially then.) As a reader, it's a challenge to live up to going there with her. Ultimately, the biggest challenge is -- Where will you find your joy? In your situation (expected or unexpected) or in your Lord? As much as I would like there to be a situation in life that I could grasp and hold on to which would give me that joy, Connally answers rightly that it's to be found only in relationship to the triune God.

This book ROCKS and is SO needed today, this minute, and right now! I, and so many women I know, are struggling through some of the very same experiences and new ways of being that Connally Gilliam bravely and honestly opens up about. Far from being just a "tell me I'm not alone in my struggle" book and a welcome respite from the constant flow of how-to books for single women, this is a book that thoughtfully grapples with and shares insights to the new world that we all, men and women, married and single, live in today. Connally has a gift for writing and storytelling and making you laugh out loud while she dares to do it all in a constant loving manner and without the usual male-bashing. I am recommending this book to ALL my friends...even the dudes...cause, come on, it's a whole new frontier out there!!

I felt like Connally was writing about my own life as I read each chapter. She has really put to words many of my struggles, thoughts, and emotions. It gives a great look into the reality of living life and loving it at the same time! I highly recommend it to any person, not just single.

This book gives an articulate, humorous and candid voice to so many of my same desires, struggles and fears as a single woman. The author sets the example of living a life full of honest expression that is ultimately surrendered to a God worthy of our complete faith and trust.

While reading this book there were times I found myself laughing out loud and times I found myself overcome with emotion at the reminder that I am not alone in this journey. It was so refreshing to read a book on single hood by an author who is (gasp) single. Not someone who is reflecting on their single days from the protected and validated confines of marriage---in other words, "Now that I'm married I finally feel like I can be honest about how crappy it was to be single."

I found the book to be very honest, almost painfully so. It was challenging. I found the chapter on friendships between women to be the most challenging. I never thought of things in that way. On the whole I found reading it to be a very freeing experience. Freeing in the sense that somebody finally understood my "trials and tribulations" as an unintentionally single woman over 30. Having someone articulate those feelings and validate them with interesting statistics, musings from friends and life observations gives me hope. I am not a freak for being 32 and unmarried. I am simply unmarried, and should not feel guilty for having a full and interesting life that doesn't contain a husband. I would welcome a husband of course, but I won't die because I don't have one. Thanks Connally.