Chapter 1
Our Money life Is Not Working öI can't take much more of this," David explains. "I really love Julie, and she's terrific—she's a good mother, we have a lot in common and I like her sense of humor. But, Ruth," he explodes, "she's going to drive us into bankruptcy!"
"That's not fair!" Julie interrupts angrily. "I had to buy Sara clothes because she's grown another two inches. Should I tell the children we have to skip birthdays this year! And, what about the two suits you just had to buy! The problem isn't my spending," she continues angrily. "The truth is that you just don't make enough money to support this family."
"But Julie, I've never earned enough according to you. Never! Why don't you—yes, you—get a job and help out a little instead of always complaining!"
Julie is totally exasperated. "I can't, David, you know that. No job that I can get pays enough to cover child care. Remember! If I get a job, it'll have to be after the kids are all in school. So, leave me alone."
"Julie," David continues, "I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're just like your mother. You're going to drive me into bankruptcy just like she did to your father.ö
Now Julie is really angry. "That's not true and you know it! Why do you always have to be so mean and bring my parents into this!"
FACT: Money is the number-one reason for conflict in relationships.
Many couples, like Julie and David, say that a primary cause of conflict in their relationships is money. Who should earn the money! How much is needed! Conflict also arises over decisions about what purchases to make and how much money to spend on each purchase.
Your Turn [Directions: Please write your answers—individually—to the "Your Turn" exercises throughout the book.]
Do you believe that conflict in a relationship can be caused by money?
Can a discussion about how much money is enough cause conflict?
Do you and your partner ever argue about the amount of money to spend on something? Describe the conflict.
Do you and your partner ever argue over the amount of money you earn? If so, is the conflict over the amount of money or the lack of money earned? Is the conflict over the amount of time you spend away from home earning money?
Do you identify with what David says or with what Julie says? What makes you identify with one or the other?
Maria and Jack
Maybe this conversation between Maria and her husband, Jack, is more familiar to you:
"Ruth, if Jack's new business doesn't start making money soon, I'm not going to make it." Maria cries as she continues, "I wake up in the middle of the night scared out of my wits, unable to breathe. My doctor says I'm having panic attacks. He says the way to stop them is to get rid of the stress in my life. Get rid of the stress! As long as lack is spending money starting this business, I can't get rid of the stress."
Maria's voice rises. "Don't you understand, Ruth, I'm afraid we'll lose our house. Jack took out a second mortgage to start his business, and he's already three months behind in the payments. And, our credit cards are all at their limits. I'm working all the overtime I can get and it's still not enough." Her voice drops to a whisper, "I just don't want to lose my home."
"Maria," Jack explodes, "I can't concentrate on my business when I have to listen to how afraid you are all the time. You wake yourself up in the middle of the night and then wake me up as well. Come on, you're supposed to support me. You told me when I started that you would. I finally get to be my own boss and you want to stop me!"
"Now you're blaming me?" Maria asks with tears in her eyes. "I work double shifts at the hospital to make more money. When I'm home, I do all the housework so you can work at the business. And I'm doing most of the parenting. I am keeping my commitment! You know I am!"
"The point is," Maria continues, "what about our house! How are you going to pay the overdue payments! What will happen to us if we lose our home?"
"I've told you before, Maria," Jack says angrily, enunciating each word slowly, "we're not going to lose the house. Come on, Maria, this is my dream. You've got to trust me on this."
"I don't know if I can, Jack," Maria says. "I just don't know if I can."
FACT: Money is the number-one reason for stress and anxiety in a relationship.
Couples like Jack and Maria have different comfort levels with the amount of debt they carry. Jack is much more comfortable with substantial debt than Maria. This is why taking on debt causes stress and conflict for many couples. Couples take on debt in many ways:
by obtaining a larger mortgage on their home through refinancing;
by taking out a second mortgage on their home;
by increasing the amount they owe on credit cards;
by getting a line of credit from the bank;
by borrowing from the cash value of their life insurance;
by borrowing from their 401(k) plan;
by borrowing from parents or other relatives.
It's all debt. Any one of these debts has the potential to create anxiety. Any one of these debts can create conflict in your relationship.
Your Turn
Do you believe people have different levels of comfort with debt?
How would you describe your own level of comfort with debt? How much debt would make you uncomfortable?
How much debt would cause you to feel anxiety?
What kinds of debt would cause you the most anxiety? Why?
Now, answer these same questions as if you were your partner.
Is there any stress in your relationship due to your different comfort levels with debt?
Are the fear and anxiety Maria expressed familiar to you? Explain.
Is the frustration Jack expressed familiar to you? Explain.
Will and Diane
Will and Diane may sound more familiar to you:
"We'll never get ahead," Will begins as he and Diane sit in my office one afternoon. "I'm forty-four years old, and I don't see how I'll ever be able to retire. We're not in any big financial crisis. We don't even fight about money. We're just so discouraged."
"You see," Diane says, "we have two children. They're both in high school, and they both want to go away to college. But how will we ever pay for it? We kept waiting to save until Will got a promotion, but he never did, so we haven't saved a thing. I just can't believe how fast the years have gone by."
"It isn't as if I haven't tried," Will says. "I put my paycheck in the bank each month and pay the bills, and each month I think there will be something left over to put away. But something always comes up. Always. I'm exhausted from trying."
"I always thought I'd have my college degree by now so I could help out," Diane continues. ôI dropped out of college when I became pregnant with our daughter, and we haven't been able to afford the time and money for me to go back and finish. I'm so discouraged. I'm tired of constantly trying to figure out where the money went. And I'm tired of Will telling me it's my fault there's nothing left at the end of the month."
"I'm frustrated, too," Will adds. "I look in the mirror and I see old. There have been layoffs at my company. I worry all the time. What if I get laid off! What if I can't keep juggling the bills?"
FACT: Money is the number-one reason for frustration and discouragement in a relationship.
Many couples, like Will and Diane, are frustrated that they can never get ahead. They have no real financial crisis, but the ongoing stress their discouragement causes wears them out individually and as a couple. And, underneath it all, conflict is building.
Your Turn
Do you identify with Diane and Will? What specifically are you facing that is so discouraging? Maybe you thought by this time in your life you would:
-be more successful;
-have more money saved;
-have your own business;
-be more secure in your company position;
-have finished your education;
-be able to provide education for your children;
-be able to travel;
-have the home you really want;
-have living room furniture that all matched;
-be happier;
-feel successful;
-not feel so old.
Why do you think your partner is discouraged?
Are you experiencing stress in your relationship because of this discouragement? Are you experiencing conflict?
Larry and Kate
"I'm not really sure why we're here," Larry begins, "except that Kate wanted me to come and finally, with a bit of reticence, I agreed."
Larry's discomfort about being in my office is obvious. I nod for him to continue.
"I'm not really sure what Kate thinks is wrong about what we do with our money. After all, I'm a professional financial advisor. I know much more than she does about money.ö
Larry holds himself back from adding, "and probably more than you." I smile and ask him to continue.
"We split everything fifty-fifty. The bills are paid. We don't fight. Our kids are grown and on their own." This time Larry smiles as he finishes, "Well, sort of.ö
Kate interrupts by saying, "Why don't I explain why I wanted us to work with you, Ruth!" She leans forward as she continues. "Both Larry and I earn a good income. We have a nice life. Our children are finally settling into...
