Romance Novel [Kindle Edition]

PJ Jones (Author)

Book Description

***Warning***
If you are one of those obsessive and crazy fans of Twilight--you've legally changed your last name to Cullen, relocated to some rainy podunk town in Washington and apply glitter glue to your skin before going out in the sun--you may just burn your Kindle after reading.

Smella Rosepetal must find a millionaire husband to finance her baby’s heart transplant. She flies home to her deputy father’s ranch in Pitchforks, Texas, where she falls in love with Deadward Forest, a wealthy environmentalist vampire.

When a deranged murderer is on the loose in Pitchforks, killing romance heroines, Deadward assumes Smella would be safer without him. Smella turns to her childhood friend, Snake Long, for comfort. But Snake doesn’t have the money to save her baby, so Smella places herself in peril in a desperate hunt for a rich husband.

Time is running out for Smella’s baby, and she must escape from the Australian Outback and face down Flabio, an overweight and disgruntled, aspiring cover model, plus enraged vampire wives and their homosexual, vampire, cowboy husbands, a jealous were-gerbil, James Bond, a drunk rodeo clown and Smella’s strange boyfriend who wants to drain her blood, yet is repulsed by her smell.

ROMANCE NOVEL—the unabridged, unauthorized comedic look at the bestselling vampire series that will leave you wondering who the hell ever believed vampires could “sparkle.” And you’ll laugh…all the way to the bathroom!

*****Praise for ROMANCE NOVEL******
“I found this story to be hysterical from cover to cover.” Diana from Night Owl Romance, Night Owl Reviews Top Pick

“This parody will have you laughing out loud.” Melissa from Were Vamps Romance

“Oh PJ Jones, you had me at ‘skanky crotch’.” Penni from Favorite Thing Ever

“By the time I finished reading my sides were aching with laughter.” Orchid from Long and Short of it Reviews

“If you are a fan of good satire, this is definitely a book for you.” Wendy from You Gotta Read Reviews

Product Details

• File Size: 372 KB
• Print Length: 143 pages
• Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
• Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
• Language: English
• ASIN: B004UMOWWQ
• Text-to-Speech: Enabled
• X-Ray: Enabled
• Lending: Enabled
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #225,225 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

55 of 71 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Painful May 24, 2011

By MelMez

Format:Kindle Edition

After all the five stars reviews and considering it was $0.99 I decided to buy the book. Who doesn't like spoofs? How not to find the cover funny, mocking all those cheesy cover in romance novels full of chiseled pectorals and swooning women with heaving bosoms?

BUT, that said. Not all mockery is funny, not all spoofs are good. Not all writing is good writing. This is the case with Romance Novel. The author is so desperately trying to make the reader aware that this is spoof of all modern literature (e.g. vampire romance, teenage novels, romance novels, gay movies, black people, gay people, native Americans, etc.) that it shoves it down our throat with none of the witty subtlety that the reviews promise.

I can laugh at a fart joke as any other person out there but usually those are accompanied by the hidden genius of someone who can make something tacky and gross into the hilarious.

Not only was the book poorly written ("Virginly maidens were not supposed to have such wantonly desires" is just one of many grammatical bombs in the book. Does the author know a maiden is a virgin? If not, why didn't she google the word?)the author has no idea of what the word subtlety means. If this book was sex, it would be a rape. No foreplay, no convincing, no kisses, no hand holding, nothing! Just going in like a wrecking ball not bothering with trying to make the story interest but simply intent on showing how little they care about everything except than show is a spoof. I didn't read the whole thing but I am sure at some point the author actually had to utter the words "this is a spoof" Since it already claimed it was a book, and had to be PC and Ebony was a small character that was never to be seen again and other such attempts at levity.

I found particularly interesting a reviewer who said that whoever doesn't find this funny then that person didn't have a sense of humor. I think the author is the one with either no idea what humor is or at best has an askew view of what humor is. The sad part is that the premise has so much potential. Spoofs are popular for a reason! But the author seemed to have written the book while bored at home, read it to her friends who were probably high on pot and after raving reviews from them she then decided to send it to publishers and since it didn't work out she self publish it without bothering about such pesky things authors worry about like, I don't know, what's it called? Spell check, editing, nuances, story line, character development. Just because it's a spoof it doesn't excuse the mediocrity. It could've been a good spoof if only the author hadn't hidden behind all that bluster, that one can read on the dedication, and made an effort. But apparently making an effort would've gone against the premise of the book which was "let me not even try".

Jane Austen made fun of all those Gothic novels that were so popular in her time when she wrote Northanger Abby. It managed to be a subtle spoof with substance. This author thinks that because is a spoof it makes it okay to be as subtle as a sledge hammer and plow her way through the story without even bothering to create witty, funny, snarky names that were better than Smella Rosepetal...Really? My eight year old neighbor can come up with a better pun name than that.

Like I said, it was just painful and after reading the review and reading the premise, the fact that the book was so bad was a disappointing.

Funnily enough (and the only funny thing about this book) the author complains about having to resort to poor cover art for her book since she couldn't get published and yet the cover is the only thing barely resembling humor about this book.

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Read June 28, 2011

By LAS Reviewer

Format:Kindle Edition

Disco music and dancing prevent any future happiness for Smella and Deadwood.

Romance Novel is exactly what the title promises, and more so. The story is a parody of every romance novel with a hero, heroine and minor characters all struggling to find their place.

Smella Rosepetal is a virgin looking for a rich husband. Not for herself but to enable her baby to have a life saving operation (see the confusion - a virgin with a baby?). She leaves little Joshua or Adam or Austin (his name changes every time he's mentioned) with her best friend Ebony while she returns to her home town to seek out the richest man she can find.

Her hometown is either in Australia or Texas - I could never figure out which. Here she has a choice of men. The first is her childhood sweetheart Snake, who is broke and has an awesome secret. Another prospective husband is Deadward Forest a strange, pasty faced rich man who steals Smella's heart. Murder and mayhem happen whenever Smella passes by but she is serene in the knowledge she's the heroine and lives without fear. Because Smella knows the hero always rescues the heroine in the nick of time.

Romance Novel is hilarious. It takes a normal romantic story and accentuates all the bits that are not usually mentioned. Question: How could a virgin have a baby? Answer: Because she needed a baby for the plot.

Ms. Jones plays on these anomalies all the way through the book, and these provide a funny, well thought out book. Add to this the lack of sporty, rich vehicles, men with fabulous bodies, heroines with brains and you have an ideal romantic novel, or at least a parody of one.

By the time I finished reading my sides were aching with laughter. Well done Ms. Jones, you really made my day.

Origially posted at The Long and Short of It Romance Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Spoof-a-rif-ical. Nothing immune to ridicule. June 25, 2012

By Karen G. Harrill

Format:Kindle Edition

This book is an equal opportunity offender and so full of craziness that I am sure to find something new on future rereads. Good book for when you need something goofy - vampires, were-critters, virgins who are already mommy to a child that gets a new name on every page, jokes about Texas, cowboys, and every expected ploy in romance novels. I loved it...but it sure is silly.

More About the Author

PJ Jones spends her days scrubbing pots, collecting clown figurines and chasing five squealing kids around the house. No, that sounds too pathetic.

She lives on a 70 foot yacht and drinks sparkling wine by her pool while basking in the salty air and communicating with the local dolphins. Too far fetched?

She sits in front of a computer most of the day, writing, deleting, then writing some more, until her butt is numb and her brain is fried. Better?

Prior to becoming a full-time chair warmer, PJ Jones not-so-enjoyed a short stint as a journalist and then seven agonizing...eh blissful years as a high school English teacher.

PJ would LOVE to hear from her readers @ [e-mail] or you can visit her webpage @ http://pjjoneswrites.wordpress.com/