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This Divine Relic may be cursed
on April 3, 2014
This should be 5 stars. The reason why I left a star off of my review are for the following reasons. Be forewarned: you are about to learn the powers of this majestic artifact through the written testimony of a man who purchased it for his friend's bachelor party in New Orleans.
Being children of the 80's, the 7 men who attended this party would surely appreciate this "costume item" (quotes used because this is a misnomer on this Amazon listing... it is something much more powerful) and it would hearken them back to a free spirited time of Ronald Reagan, a common national Soviet enemy, windsuit pants, pimps and hoes, and classic hip hop. "Hells yeah" I said as I Amazon primed dis beotch to my doorstep. And off I went into the Bayou Abyss wearing this with a white linen suit.
Day 1 I didn't wear it. All was well. Partied hard, clubbed it up, drank our faces off, no casualties, no jail, no robberies, just fun.
Day 2 was much different. It started with all the good will that we had built up. The fun was rolling. The food was great. The drinks... intoxicating. As if we had all been calmed into an unearned Naivety, the chain then did rear it's ugly head.
I woke up missing my jacket, my phone, and my wallet. Vanquished into the dark abyss... gold chain still 'round my neck. Glimmering in lies and deceit, it seemed to mock my disheveled appearance. "Here I lie golden and beautiful, qualitative in weight, coolness around your alcohol heat stroked neck, and there you are... a mess beneath my beauty."
Off this devil relic went. Onto the coffee table only to be primarily used by unsuspecting friends when Dirty Nasty's 1980 would crack the soundock.
And then Day 3 happened.
My unsuspecting friend dawned the gold chain, with a similar white linen jacket when we went out into the Dark New Orleans night. While it playfully bounced in his regal man pelt, it guided him to unspoiled riches of women and dance industry. Drinks and delight. Lights and lasers. Intoxication and The Chain's intolerance for his reveling in it all. It was claiming another victim, and I was still too foolish to understand it's clear motives.
He woke up missing his jacket, his phone, and his wallet.
When he and I tried to mossie our ways home through an airport without a phone or ID and only with the lent money our dear friends gave us, we concluded that this Relic of Evil must certainly be possessed.
So I came here to warn you all. Harness it's power. But be weary of it's deceit. This Item of Anguish requires supreme concentration, nerves of steel, and a presidential pardon in order to be sufficiently worn.