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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas Paperback – October 22, 2013


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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas + You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning + Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Southern humorist Rivenbark applies her trademark wit to answering modern-day dilemmas of etiquette in what is decidedly not your mama&'s etiquette guide. She addresses everything from table manners—in a section titled That&'s Not a Salad Fork, You Stupid Bitch—to dealing with pushy, bragging moms or, even worse, moms who refuse to vaccinate their children. Rivenbark grapples with important issues like discord between married Duke and North Carolina basketball fans; the office co-worker running a cake scam; and unsolicited hugging. She decries etiquette degenerates like air travel&'s Entitled Recline Monster; a woman so devoted to her politics she campaigns at funerals; and the slow-moving grocery store shoppers she dubs Saunteringus malingerus. Further topics include restroom etiquette, where Rivenbark advises men to not tap your toes in a stall, as such behavior could turn you into a Republican congressman; dealing with rude or lousy drivers on the road; and even proper Facebook behavior. As usual, her comments are infused with a Southern flair, be it a recipe for bourbon-soaked baked ham, the Sunday-afternoon drop-in, or prefacing awful comments with bless her heart. Fans of Rivenbark&'s biting humor will not be disappointed with this latest offering. (Nov.)

Review

Praise for You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl

 

"[Rivenbark]'s as rebellious, irreverent, and comical as ever." —Publishers Weekly 

 

"...a rip-roaring read.... What makes Rivenbark’s writing so entertaining is that it’s a lot like seeing a stand-up comedy act: she does an uncanny job of keeping the flow of comedy fresh." —Book Reporter 

 

“Opening a book by Celia is like going to a great party—at the end of the night, your sides hurt, your mascara’s ruined, and you realize you haven’t eaten anything for almost an hour.  She’s that good.  My biggest hope is that when I find myself riding the bus to hell, I’ll look over and Celia will be sitting right next to me.” —Laurie Notaro, author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club

 

Praise for You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start In The Morning

 

“Whether readers are from the south side of Baw-ston or living just south of the Mississippi, Rivenbark’s genuine Southern recipes and true Southern charm are sure to appeal to everyone.” —Encore Archives

 

“…many of her descriptions are not only LOL funny, they also demand reading aloud to whomever happens to be nearby.” —Myrtle Beach Sun-News

“Rivenbark is more than funny.  She’s Carolina funny.” —The Charlotte Observer

 

Praise for Belle Weather

 

"Readers will laugh out loud over her commentary on status mothers and all the odd obsessions of modern life..." —Booklist

 

"Think Dave Barry with a female point of view..." —USA Today

 

Praise for Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

 

“This is a hilarious read, perhaps best enjoyed while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a few girlfriends.” —Publishers Weekly

 

“She kills in the “Kids” and “Southern-Style Silliness” sections, putting the fear of Mickey into anyone planning a trip to Disney World (character breakfasts must be scheduled 90 days in advance) and extolling the entertainment value of obituaries (“If there’s a nickname in quotes, say Red Eye, Tip Top, or simply, Zeke, then my entire day is made”)” —Entertainment Weekly

 

Praise for We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier

 

"Will give you a case of the giggles." —NY Daily News

"Warm, witty, and wise, rather like reading dispatches from a friend who uses e-mail and still writes letters, in ink, on good paper." St. Petersburg Times

Praise for Bless Your Heart, Tramp

"Bright, witty and warm…stories that make a desperate gift-giver weep glad tears of relief…a pleasing blend of spice, humor and memories." —St. Petersburg Times

 

"Celia Rivenbark has the goods and then some. She makes you laugh out loud dozens of times. Anyone who has the moxie to toss off a piece titled 'Fake Dog Testicles' will tread into the wildest stretches of comedic terrain...” —The State ( Columbia , S.C. )

 

 

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin (October 22, 2013)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1250029236
  • ISBN-13: 978-1250029232
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.8 x 8.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (92 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #65,494 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.

Celia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first indoor plumbing in Teachey, NC and family lore swears that people came from miles around just to watch the toilet flush.

Despite this proud plumbing tradition, Celia grew up without a washer and dryer. On every Sunday afternoon of her childhood, while her mama rested up from preparing a fried chicken and sweet potato casserole lunch, she, her sister and her daddy rode to the laundromat two miles away to do the weekly wash.

It was at this laundromat, where a carefully lettered sign reminded customers that management was "NOT RESONSIBLE" for lost items, that Celia shirked "resonsibility" her own self and snuck away to read the big, fat Sunday News & Observer out of Raleigh, NC. By age 7, she'd decided to be a newspaper reporter.

Late nights, she'd listen to the feed trucks rattle by on the highway and she'd go to sleep wondering what exotic cities those noisy trucks would be in by morning (Richmond? Atlanta? Charlotte?) Their headlights crawling across the walls of her little pink bedroom at the edge of a soybean field were like constellations pointing the way to a bigger life, a better place, a place where there wasn't so much turkey shit everywhere.

After a couple of years of college, Celia went to work for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. The locals loved to say, as they renewed their "perscriptions," that "you can eat a pot of rice and read the Enterprise and go to bed with nothing on your stomach and nothing on your mind."

Mebbe. But Celia loved the Enterprise. Where else could you cover a dead body being hauled out of the river (alcohol was once again a contributing factor) in the morning and then write up weddings in the afternoon?

After eight years, however, taking front-page photos of the publisher shaking hands with other fez-wearing Shriners and tomatoes shaped like male "ginny-talia" was losing its appeal.

Celia went to work for the Wilmington, NC Morning Star after a savvy features editor was charmed by a lead paragraph in an Enterprise story about the rare birth of a mule: "Her mother was a nag and her father was a jackass."

The Morning Star was no News and Observer but it came out every day and Celia got to write weddings for 55,000 readers instead of 3,500, plus she got a paycheck every two weeks with that nifty New York Times logo on it.

After an unfortunate stint as a copy editor--her a*s expanded to a good six ax handles across--Celia started writing a weekly humor column that fulfilled her lifelong dream of being paid to be a smart a*s. Along the way, she won a bunch of press awards, including a national health journalism award--hilarious when you consider she's never met a steamed vegetable she could keep down.

Having met and married a cute guy in sports, Celia found herself happily knocked up at age 40 and, after 21 years, she quit newspapering to stay home with her new baby girl.

After a year or so, she started using Sophie's two-hour naps to write a humor column from the mommie front lines for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. The column continues to run weekly and is syndicated by the McClatchy-Tribune News Services.

In 2000, Coastal Carolina Press published a collection of Celia's columns. A Southeast Book Sellers Association best-seller, Bless Your Heart, Tramp was nominated for the James Thurber Prize in 2001. David Sedaris won. He wins everything.

Her second book, We're Just Like You, Only Prettier, published by St. Martin's Press, was the winner of the Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance Nonfiction Book of the Year and was a finalist for the James Thurber Prize for American Humor. Jon Stewart won. He and David Sedaris probably went out drinking afterwards. I'm sorry, did that sound bitter?

Celia lives in Wilmington, NC, with her husband, Scott, Director of Government Relations for New Hanover Health Network and author of the true-crime bestseller, Innocent Victims. Their daughter, Sophie, attends elementary school where she grudgingly wears a very uncool uniform. When she isn't writing books, magazine articles or speeches, Celia enjoys watching old episodes of "The Gilmore Girls" while eating anything from Taco Bell.

She reports that the proudest day of her life was the one in which the Sears truck showed up to deliver a matching washer and dryer and neither one of 'em had to go on the front porch.

Customer Reviews

Rivenbark's books ALWAYS make me laugh out loud.
Amazon Customer
It is one of those books that you can easily read a chapter here and there.
Mary Bookhounds
This is a very, very funny lady and a very entertaining read.
M. C. Eubanks

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

13 of 14 people found the following review helpful By David Wineberg TOP 500 REVIEWER on October 22, 2013
Format: Paperback
Celia Rivenbark writes with a felt-tipped pickaxe handle. She is not delicate. But she is very funny. Very funny. She crafts her paragraphs for maximum laughs. She comes back to cash in on a line pages later. No shot is wasted. She clearly knows what she's doing. This is a well thought through effort in self awareness and self mockery. It's a pleasure to just to look at. To read it is its own reward.

It would be better without quite so much Kardashian. Five times in 167 pages. It would also be better if she didn't use quite so many four letter words. It's not only too easy, it minimizes their impact. Very quickly, it just becomes trash talk, and Rivenbark is far more skilled than that. Here are three sterling examples:

-On raising her teenage daughter: If you don't put that phone in the other room during dinner, I will crush it, along with your spirit, beneath the wheels of the car you will never drive. Sweetheart.

-In discussing funerals, there's this wisdom about baking a ham: This is my go-to ham recipe, and it came from Southern Living magazine, which, along with the fabulous Garden & Gun, should be on your coffee table at all times, praise Jesus.

-I am a true American. Which means I have zero interest in learning about another culture, unless it is in the safe confines of EPCOT or the International House of Pancakes.

This is so far from anything like etiquette, you wouldn't know it was the same country that produced so many neurotic, rigid, stifling, punishing books on manners in the last century. Society has changed so much, the old rules are way beyond laughable. Rude Bitches accelerates the process, mocking today's insufficiencies, without imposing idiotic new rules.

However.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful By Mary Bookhounds VINE VOICE on October 22, 2013
Format: Paperback
MY THOUGHTS
LOVED IT

This is one part etiquette book, one part hilarious memoir and all parts funny.
Since Dave Barry isn't writing a regular column anymore, I have been stalking Rivenbark online to catch her columns instead. I have read all of her books and have loved each and every one of them. In her latest collection of essays, she tackles manners and takes them out, yes, just like a football center taking out the quarterback. Seriously, I had to read this one in the bathroom with the door closed and the fan on to muffle my laughing. I suppose that Rivenbark would have something to say about that.

This book is just made of fun. It is one of those books that you can easily read a chapter here and there. Be aware: this book isn't for the person who dislikes a bad word here and there. I think everyone will relate to the Line Jumper, the Teen (otherwise known as PRINCESS) and PDAs - (one word Don't!). The question and answer format will have you thinking that Dear Abby has come back to life. I know her daughter is now writing that column, but she will never be Abby. If you enjoy Dave Barry, Jen Lancaster or Laurie Notaro, you need to catch this author.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By Jewels on February 24, 2014
Format: Paperback
I am never disappointed when I pick up one of Celia Rivenbark's books. In fact, reading her books has probably kept my head from exploding on several occasions, while dealing with "adult" parents. Very fun, laugh-out-loud books. This one, I am carrying around with me every where I go right now. I have it on the ready, to recommend to people I really like & also to those I'd really like to slap. "Have you seen this book? It's just perfect for you!" Thank you for lowering my blood pressure, and keeping me out of jail, Ms. Rivenbark. Just kidding about the jail part. Well, maybe I'm kidding. :-) The blood pressure thing is true. As effective as petting a dog. This woman is adding years to peoples' lives. May she keep on writing until she just can't write anymore.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By arbjames on March 2, 2014
Format: Paperback
Celia Rivenbark delivers hilarious advice for all sorts of socially awkward situations. I have the benefit of reading Rivenbark's column in our local newspaper, and many times I don't find it particularly amusing. I sometimes find her column, well, frankly, rude, so I found the book's title pretty ironic. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised. My husband thought I was nuts because I kept laughing out loud.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By Jenny Lange on January 29, 2014
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I have read several of Celia's books and loved 'em. This one though was so spot on about exactly the things in life that can drive us all alittle crazy and how to deal with them (or at least wish this was how we could deal with them!). She's a Dave Barry with alittle more attitude (and yes, language). One reviewer was so right - don't read this in public as people will be looking at you as you break into laughter spontaneously.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By B. Masters on December 29, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
As big fans of Celia Riverbark, who makes her home in the Wilmington, NC area near where we live, it is a joy to read her latest creation. She continues her quirky, good natured and sharp witted look at life with this latest gem in her string of hits. If you are not already a Celia fan, you will be after reading this latest effort. Highly recommend!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By TheBanshee on October 18, 2014
Format: Kindle Edition
I was really disappointed in the mean tone of this look at etiquette in the Internet Age. I expected much better than this from Rivenbark. I have learned to mostly overlook her gratuitous potshots at Republicans and people who have more money than she will admit to having; apparently that never gets old for her.

But this book is just meanspirited in other ways too. The format: she takes a (made-up, I assume) question about etiquette, and prefaces her answers by insulting the questioner in a way that is acid in tone rather than teasing or playful, or even civil. Then she vouchsafes to render her advice, which is usually some variation on "Deal with it!"

She sounds like an amateur stand-up comedienne who thinks angry equals funny. There is no nuance, and she really should be doing better work at this stage of the game. There is just no excuse for this exercise in shrillness.

Maybe Rivenbark is going through a bad time in her personal life. Maybe she's lost her comedy mojo. But if this book is any indication, she sounds as if she needs a book on etiquette more than her readers do. But she can buy her own; I've already contributed nine bucks to the cause.
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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas
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