Rules of Engagement: Four Couples and American Marriage Today [Paperback]

Lis Harris (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 19, 1996

In this provocative new book, the acclaimed author of Holy Days, Lis Harris, offers a fascinating look at the institution of marriage: how it is changing, what it may yet become. Rules of Engagement follows the trials and triumphs of four very real couples:
-- upper-class Sarah and Eaton, whose 1950s marriage has been transformed in the wake of feminism;
-- working-class Mike and Claire, who have struggled through multiple separations and reconciliations in their common-law marriage;
-- middle-class African-Americans Carlita and Samuel, striving to succeed with their two young children in an often hostile world;
-- and middle-aged Neal and Vera, idealists whose relationship has survived an experiment with "open marriage."

From these four couples, Harris draws invaluable lessons about relationships in general and about the unique nature of American marriage, an institution that continues to thrive in an ever-changing world because of our willingness to experiment with and reinvent it.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Harris (Holy Days: The World of a Hasidic Family), a staff writer at the New Yorker, presents four couples as representing varieties of American marriage in the late 20th century, though four couples can hardly stand for all marriages. Over several years, she consorted with an upper-class couple in New York City, a middle-class African American couple, a blue-collar couple and a couple best described as determinedly bohemian. Being privy to these vastly differing marriages allowed Harris to draw interesting, even entertaining conclusions. For instance, all four couples agreed that none of them was prepared for the reality of marital life (who is?). In a pleasing anecdotal style, especially with the story of the upper-class pair, the author conveys her respect for the eight people who allowed her into their lives, as well as her appreciation for marriage as an institution that, however challenged, is still viable.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Booklist

Harris is able to insinuate herself into people's lives and then describe them succinctly and insightfully. A New Yorker staff writer whose first book was about Hasidic life, Harris decided to write about contemporary marriage to see how that most basic of human units has fared in light of the changes the women's movement has wrought. Harris, who must be easy to talk to (she's certainly a pleasure to read), found four couples willing to share their private selves: the McLanes, an upper-class couple; the Robbins, a blue-collar couple; the Jacksons, a middle-class African American couple; and the Clarks, the most egalitarian and artistic of the bunch. Each couple's story is compelling, as true stories always are. Harris manages to cover family histories, courtship, sex, money issues, arguments, children, and housework. What emerges from these intriguing anatomies of marriages is that the improved status of women has changed marriage for the better and that people work "terribly hard all the time" both at their jobs and at their relationships. Donna Seaman --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone (September 19, 1996)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684825279
• ISBN-13: 978-0684825274
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,950,081 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Marriages are as varied as the people in them, November 20, 1997

By A Customer

This review is from: Rules of Engagement (Hardcover)

A cogent, sharply observed, and thoughtful book, it held my interest all the way through. Lis Harris leavens her interviews with four couples of widely divergent social milieux with a well-researched exploration of historic American attitudes towards marriage. My one criticism is that her understanding of the first couple showed greater depth, perhaps because she belongs to their social class.

4.0 out of 5 stars unique view into the inner workings of marriage, July 20, 2004

By 

J. Jacobs - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: Rules of Engagement: Four Couples and American Marriage Today (Paperback)

In this book, Lis Harris takes the readers into the lives of four couples - an affluent couple, a blue-collar couple, an African American couple, and a bohemian couple.

What was most refreshing was that Harris told the stories of unexceptional families, the type that can be most interesting, yet are so infrequently covered. Her focus was on how couples lived and related on a day to day basis - from the division of household responsibilities, to planning for the futures, their sex lives, and their relations with their parents and children.

Interspersed between the stories was information about the role of women and the institution of marriage throughout history.

The reason I didn't give it five stars was that Harris piqued my interest in issues such as gender roles and division of responsibilities, but left these four middle-aged New York-area couples as examples without including more hard data. I would have liked the factual sections expanded to include statistics from the fields of sociology and public policy, moving beyond the history of marriage to probe a bit deeper into what is going on today and why things are changing they way they are.

A unique book worth reading to see beyond the facades of marriages and glimpse how different couples handle the challenges of building a family.