The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work [Hardcover]

Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 2001

In 1995 Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider published their first book, The Rules. A manual of do's and don'ts for single women seeking love and marriage, it started an international revolution in dating and became a #1 New York Times bestseller. Before long, women all over the world formed support groups to help them do The Rules and asked Ellen and Sherrie for more advice, inspiring the authors' second bestseller, The Rules II.

Now, in this new book, Ellen and Sherrie show you how to make that sometimes bumpy journey known as marriage as smooth as possible. They offer forty-two time-tested behaviors proven to keep couples together-and Mr. Right by your side forever!

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

According to authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, the rules of a happy marriage are often very different from the rules a single woman should follow in order to get hitched in the first place. In their phenomenally successful dating guide, The Rules, Fein and Schneider urged single women to adopt a strategy of denial--don't call him, don't be too available, don't sleep with him early on. In marriage, however, it seems the rules have drastically changed. He wants sex? Give it to him. He doesn't want to talk? So be it. He wants to go to the game and you don't? Shut up and go. As Schneider stated in a promotional TV interview, "It's not about being right--it's about what works."

If you operate on the premise that most of the emotional work in a marriage is the responsibility of the woman, and that any marriage is preferable to no marriage at all, then this book is for you. "The fact is, to be happily married, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband like a client or customer whom they want to keep happy (let him be right)," the authors write. "You're probably thinking, 'Why can't it be equal?' Why doesn't he have to do all the things you're suggesting, like 'Don't say the first mean word or make up first?' Our answer is because that is the way it is." For women who work hard in demanding jobs and then come home to manage children and a household, learning that they should completely put aside their needs, yet "continue to be a creature like any other," will not only come as a shock, but as an insult as well.

To be fair, some of the 43 rules in the book are the kind of useful common sense that would benefit any partnership. Untold numbers of marriage experts have been dishing out this kind of advice for years--say what you mean but don't say it meanly, be supportive, and don't nag. Fortunately, if lowering your expectations and letting your hubby win (Rules 5 and 9) don't work, the book also includes rules for divorce and second marriages. --Marianne Painter

From Publishers Weekly

For faithful followers of the The Rules, the authors of that wildly popular dating manual now provide a lifelong "maintenance" plan that is, more rules on how to hang onto husbands once they've been nabbed. Rule 36 ("It's easier to stay married than to get married") sums up their strategy. But many women will wonder about the payoff in marriage as depicted here, which for women involves being someone else's cheerleader for life, expecting neither sympathy nor applause for doing the chores and not forcing one's husband to talk, on the premise that men are from Mars. Even common-sense advice such as keep up your own interests and give him time alone when he comes home sounds callow in Fein and Schneider's hands. At least they don't pretend there's anything new in these "time-tested" rules. Other familiar fare includes scheduling a date night and reminders not to nag or to try to be a superwoman. Some of the original rules, like the one about having "long hair," are included. Others may be unpleasant for some readers: do things you don't want to do, like go to football games or see his family. The rules are clear on the subject of fidelity: the marriage is over if the husband cheats even once. Perhaps because of the disclosure of coauthor Fein's recent divorce, the book also covers the dos and don'ts of divorce have dignity and date ASAP and second marriages. (June) Forecast: Despite its arguably retrograde stance, this guide is as golden as a wedding band. The media has already begun to roll in though much has been related to Fein's divorce. But "Rules girls" will still flock to the author tour venues in five cities, and countless brides or brides-to-be will receive the book as a gift, serious or otherwise.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 195 pages
• Publisher: Warner Books (May 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0446526967
• ISBN-13: 978-0446526968
• Product Dimensions: 7.6 x 5.1 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 2.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (41 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #639,623 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are authorities on love and human relationships. They lecture regularly and have coached millions of women worldwide.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

43 of 51 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Wait a Minute, May 3, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work (Hardcover)

Congratulations Ellen. You now join the ranks of John Gray, Barbara DeAngelis, Laura Schlessinger and other DIVORCED "experts" telling us how to have great marriages.

I'd prefer to recommend material written by men and women who are very happily married like Gary Smalley, Michael Webb, John Trent and Gary Chapman.

But, let's review the book. It actually isn't bad. I'd say 3/4 of the ideas are actually good. A couple of your suggestions are probably what sent you to divorce court. Read this book only if you read several other marriage books so you can make up your own mind as to what makes sense and what doesn't.

A few suggestions of other books to read: The Five Languages of Love, The Romantic's Guide, The Language of Love

23 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars For women who have chosen to stay married., July 13, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work (Hardcover)

I would say that this book is not recommended for women who are engaged or newlyweds. I will say that this book appealed to me because I have chosen to stay in my marriage because of my young children. This book dealt with reality for me. Yes I know that there are some wonderful men out there, but some women are married to men who are just like what was spoken of in this book. Sometimes it is best to just to "let him win" for the sake of not arguing. I've been married 10 years and I've stressed myself out continuously trying to reason and discuss issues that are important to me. We've been to counseling and to our pastor. I've cried and prayed. Nothing has worked because unless both spouses acknowledge that they need to work in a relationship, the same battles will continuously occur. I have always been the one to seek peace and growth in my marriage therefore, I will take atleast 3/4 of the advice just for my own sanity. Yes we would all like to have a mature relationship where we can sit down and discuss issues reasonably and grow together. Sometimes this doesn't happen. The issue the author mentions regarding sex was so accurate. Like Nike -Just do It! This book helped me realize that I'm not the only one who has experienced many of the issues raised. Again I would only recommend this book for women who have decided to stay in their marriage regardless of the problems with the relationship (after they have tried counseling).

32 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Too Many Rules Can Spoil the Marriage -- Trying Talking!, May 19, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work (Hardcover)

If I counted correctly, this book has 43 official rules, 20 subrules, more suggestions in an appendix, and 15 extra hints. The book is totally written from a women's perspective. The assumption is that men don't want to improve their marriages. Somewhere in the book, you will probably get an idea for how to handle part of your marriage better. On the other hand, the book treats marriage like it is a game to be played rather than a relationship to be developed, expanded, and nurtured. Men are to be kept satisfied in almost every possible way, and women are encouraged to complain to their married friends to get relief from being a doormat for men. The book is also based on the perspectives of the authors rather than on any scientific evidence. I graded the book up one star for the candor shown by admitting that one of the authors was separated from her husband.

The book makes one statement that most would agree with. "The truth is, marriage isn't easy." You are encouraged to make "The Rules for Marriage . . . a way of life." As a result, "we don't recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it." " . . . [H]e doesn't like to think that you have to read a book to learn to deal with him." While admitting that your husband could be different, the authors come down on the side of the idea that "to be happily maried, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband as a customer whom she wants to keep happy . . . ."

When my wife and I were married, I think we got better advice. We were each encouraged to try to do at least 60 percent of the total effort to make the marriage work. That approach has worked well.

In the spirit of full disclosure, my wife and I each have been divorced so this is a second marriage for us. We each agree that you both have to really work at building your marriage.

As I read through the list in the book, I saw many opinions expressed that are greatly at odds with my personal feelings. Frankly, if my wife followed this advice, our marriage would not be as good. I would come out ahead in some situations where I don't do so well now, but she would be miserable. My motto is: "If the women are happy, the men are happy." I suspect that if she was miserable, I would be even more miserable.

Many of the rules here are just trying to capture common sense about being respectful of another person. You can give a person respect without ruining your own sense of self-worth though. Let me take an example here to help you understand the book better. Rule 9 is "Let him win." In the detail, there is an exception for when "it is a crucial issue for you." I think a better approach is to simply sit down sometime when you are both agreeable to do so, and share with your spouse what areas you strongly care about and where you feel comfortable feeling flexible. Then take the areas where you both feel strongly, and see what compromises are fair to both of you. For example, if you are from different religions, maybe you can share some observances with each other.

The book needs a lot more about divorce and remarriage. These are whole book subjects, and get short shrift here. I believe there are more remarriages now in the United States than first marriages each year. This book is primarily written from the perspective of someone marrying for the first time.

The book also seems inconsistent. While arguing that women should lie down and let men have their way, the book draws the line at one instance of adultery by the husband. That means the marriage is over, even if you stay married. I feel that if a woman feels that way, she should be sure her husband knows that in advance. Most men I know wouldn't expect that reaction from their wives. I expect a marriage-ending reaction from my wife, because she has told me she feels that way. I think that's a good example of the importance of sharing what you think and how you feel with one another (although not overdoing it).

I am a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw's books, Relationship Rescue and the Relationship Rescue Workbook. I suggest that you read those books and do the exercises with your fiancee and spouse before you have problems. You will clear up a lot of potential misunderstandings that way. Avoid this rule-based approach.

Provide a happy home for your spouse . . . and yourself by becoming a mutually-understanding, mutually-communicating, and mutually-supportive team who love one another in as many ways as possible. May God bless your marriage!