Customer Reviews

The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(21)

 

 

Congratulations Ellen. You now join the ranks of John Gray, Barbara DeAngelis, Laura Schlessinger and other DIVORCED "experts" telling us how to have great marriages.

I'd prefer to recommend material written by men and women who are very happily married like Gary Smalley, Michael Webb, John Trent and Gary Chapman.

But, let's review the book. It actually isn't bad. I'd say 3/4 of the ideas are actually good. A couple of your suggestions are probably what sent you to divorce court. Read this book only if you read several other marriage books so you can make up your own mind as to what makes sense and what doesn't.

A few suggestions of other books to read: The Five Languages of Love, The Romantic's Guide, The Language of Love

I would say that this book is not recommended for women who are engaged or newlyweds. I will say that this book appealed to me because I have chosen to stay in my marriage because of my young children. This book dealt with reality for me. Yes I know that there are some wonderful men out there, but some women are married to men who are just like what was spoken of in this book. Sometimes it is best to just to "let him win" for the sake of not arguing. I've been married 10 years and I've stressed myself out continuously trying to reason and discuss issues that are important to me. We've been to counseling and to our pastor. I've cried and prayed. Nothing has worked because unless both spouses acknowledge that they need to work in a relationship, the same battles will continuously occur. I have always been the one to seek peace and growth in my marriage therefore, I will take atleast 3/4 of the advice just for my own sanity. Yes we would all like to have a mature relationship where we can sit down and discuss issues reasonably and grow together. Sometimes this doesn't happen. The issue the author mentions regarding sex was so accurate. Like Nike -Just do It! This book helped me realize that I'm not the only one who has experienced many of the issues raised. Again I would only recommend this book for women who have decided to stay in their marriage regardless of the problems with the relationship (after they have tried counseling).

If I counted correctly, this book has 43 official rules, 20 subrules, more suggestions in an appendix, and 15 extra hints. The book is totally written from a women's perspective. The assumption is that men don't want to improve their marriages. Somewhere in the book, you will probably get an idea for how to handle part of your marriage better. On the other hand, the book treats marriage like it is a game to be played rather than a relationship to be developed, expanded, and nurtured. Men are to be kept satisfied in almost every possible way, and women are encouraged to complain to their married friends to get relief from being a doormat for men. The book is also based on the perspectives of the authors rather than on any scientific evidence. I graded the book up one star for the candor shown by admitting that one of the authors was separated from her husband.

The book makes one statement that most would agree with. "The truth is, marriage isn't easy." You are encouraged to make "The Rules for Marriage . . . a way of life." As a result, "we don't recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it." " . . . [H]e doesn't like to think that you have to read a book to learn to deal with him." While admitting that your husband could be different, the authors come down on the side of the idea that "to be happily maried, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband as a customer whom she wants to keep happy . . . ."

When my wife and I were married, I think we got better advice. We were each encouraged to try to do at least 60 percent of the total effort to make the marriage work. That approach has worked well.

In the spirit of full disclosure, my wife and I each have been divorced so this is a second marriage for us. We each agree that you both have to really work at building your marriage.

As I read through the list in the book, I saw many opinions expressed that are greatly at odds with my personal feelings. Frankly, if my wife followed this advice, our marriage would not be as good. I would come out ahead in some situations where I don't do so well now, but she would be miserable. My motto is: "If the women are happy, the men are happy." I suspect that if she was miserable, I would be even more miserable.

Many of the rules here are just trying to capture common sense about being respectful of another person. You can give a person respect without ruining your own sense of self-worth though. Let me take an example here to help you understand the book better. Rule 9 is "Let him win." In the detail, there is an exception for when "it is a crucial issue for you." I think a better approach is to simply sit down sometime when you are both agreeable to do so, and share with your spouse what areas you strongly care about and where you feel comfortable feeling flexible. Then take the areas where you both feel strongly, and see what compromises are fair to both of you. For example, if you are from different religions, maybe you can share some observances with each other.

The book needs a lot more about divorce and remarriage. These are whole book subjects, and get short shrift here. I believe there are more remarriages now in the United States than first marriages each year. This book is primarily written from the perspective of someone marrying for the first time.

The book also seems inconsistent. While arguing that women should lie down and let men have their way, the book draws the line at one instance of adultery by the husband. That means the marriage is over, even if you stay married. I feel that if a woman feels that way, she should be sure her husband knows that in advance. Most men I know wouldn't expect that reaction from their wives. I expect a marriage-ending reaction from my wife, because she has told me she feels that way. I think that's a good example of the importance of sharing what you think and how you feel with one another (although not overdoing it).

I am a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw's books, Relationship Rescue and the Relationship Rescue Workbook. I suggest that you read those books and do the exercises with your fiancee and spouse before you have problems. You will clear up a lot of potential misunderstandings that way. Avoid this rule-based approach.

Provide a happy home for your spouse . . . and yourself by becoming a mutually-understanding, mutually-communicating, and mutually-supportive team who love one another in as many ways as possible. May God bless your marriage!

True, one of these two ladies is not the "happily married" she once made herself out to be. But in the book it is even admitted that some marriages are not meant to work and there are chapters included on divorcing with dignity. Which Ms. Schneider is obviously not being allowed to do because people insist on making her private life public. This is an ADVICE book - you can follow it or not - and a pretty helpful one at that. I am a tried and true rules girl, and have been eagerly awaiting the release of this book. It is exactly what it says it is - a book of rules you can follow or not follow. And look what happens if you don't follow them! Ms. Schneider admits lapsing on some of the rules led to her divorce!

If you really must read this "book" I suggest you stand at the loacl book store on a lunch break for a couple days and whiz thru it. The whole idea of marriage is give and take and helpmates. If you want a GREAT book on marriage read THE GOOD MARRIAGE : HOW AND WHY LOVE LASTS by Judith S. Wallerstein.

There is nothing I detest more than a hypocrite, and one like Ellen Fein who writes a book while getting a divorce, then uses EXCUSES, like she was doing a book tour etc, rather than walking her talk makes me want to to hurl!

I have been married 34 years and this book is so lopsided and in my husbands opinion demeans REAL men. These women have this theory that wives should smile and simply say yes, yes, yes all the time. They have no idea what the real world is all about and make the dumbest suggestions, as if women were robots or brainless. Can you imagine Justice Sandra Day O Connor or Barbara Bush, BOTH married close to or over 50 years being doormats for their husbands? Better yet can you imagine any well educated man wanting a wife who would allow herself to be a doormat?

These two women are no better than the hyping televangelists who say one thing and do the opposite. They should hang their heads in shame, as should the publisher. This isn't about anything else but making a fast buck!

I can imagine that, if I were a woman, this book would be a tremendous insult. However, I'm here to assure you, that as a man I'm pretty insulted too. Basically, if I had to condense the general premise of this book, it would be thus: Men are oxen.

You see, men, being self-absorbed emotional vacuums, are not capable of doing any emotional work in a relationship. Basically we're just jerks, and if you don't cater to our every whim, you're going to find yourself out on the curb.

So, you can see why, as someone who tries to be a caring and equitable man, I would take this book as a slap in the face. A lot more could be said about this book, but I think you get the idea and it's not worth either of our time.

So I'll just leave you with this hilarious excerpt from the preface:

"Note: Between the writing of this book and its publication, Ellen [one of the authors] has seperated from her husband. The lessons learned in working on this book have taught her the true value of a Rules marriage, and she is more committed to 'The Rules' than ever. She thanks her readers for their support."

This book is going back to the store.

It throws the whole rules system in reverse; do anything to please your man. Become his doormat.

Leaving him to ask "What happened to the woman I fell in love with? The woman who had self respect?"

He didn't propose to a pushover. What makes you think he wants one now?

If being elusive is how you got him then being elusive is how you keep him. That's what he likes, remember?

I have recieved the identical marriage so-called "advice" the mouths of abused long suffering wives.

Specifically from my own mother who said "Before marriage romance is the mans job; after marriage romance is the womans job."

I watched as she "romanced" the ever loving daylights out of my stepfather without reciprocation. He saw her behavior as desperate, needy and crazy.

He became more and more annoyed, distant and unresponsive. Finally he cheated on her and divorced her.

It was bizarre to see Fein quote my own mother in print. Was this how she justified her own husbands waning interest?

When you obey his every command he won't respect you. And if he doesn't respect you he can't love you.

Miss Fein learned this herself, when her husband left her during the writing of this book.

Women take note!

Her man stayed with her during "The Rules" (1995)
Her man stayed with her during "The Rules II" (1997)

But when she sat down at her desk and wrote these fatal words "The initial rigid rule of catching a husband no longer apply now." Her man packs his things and hits the door!

A recent example in the news: The young and beautiful Princess Diana worshiped and adored her husband Charles. She was eager to please. He interpreted her as her being weak, clingy, and crazy.

The result? She dies in a mysterious car accident *cough* and he marries his mistress. The young, beautiful, obedient wife was overthrown for for an old boot!

Don't let this be you!

Romance is the mans job before marriage, and it stays his job after marriage! Change it up and you'll be sorry you did.

I am a tried and true Rules Wife! My husband and I were married six months ago and we just love The Rules.

We've followed just about every one of them. I've definitely 'lowered my expectations' in our first year of marriage (#5). And we are a team, so I always force myself to go wherever he wants and always consult him on everything from career and health issues to the hemline of my dress (#6). I let my husband win every argument (unless it's very important to me, which it never is because my feelings don't matter as much as his) (#9). I've accepted that his health, his work, and the lipstick stains on his collar are none of my business (#10). I always do things I don't want to do, like watch pornography and attending old fraternity reunions (#23). We also have sex whenever he wants too! (#29) I've kept up my appearance (#3), but I haven't changed or tried TOO hard! (#38).

Unfortunately, after all my hard work, and even though it's 'easier to stay married than get married' (#36), my husband and I have had some problems so we will be 'divorcing with dignity' (#41). After all, I 'don't think marriage counseling is the answer' (#39). But, the good news is, I'll be jumping back out into the dating pool right away (#42), right after I dust off my copy of 'The Rules for Dating' that helped me snag my stud in the first place!

PS - This book is the worst! I am HAPPILY married for six months and neither of us follow any of these rules because we believe that being open, loving each other and COMMUNICATING are the keys a successful marriage not lies and deceit (as Ellen Fein found out when she filed for divorce).

I HAVE TO SAY.....I LOVE THE RULES. I KNOW THAT EVERYONE ELSE DOESN'T LIKE TO ADMIT IT...BUT I WILL FOR MYSELF AND FOR MY FRIENDS. I AM MARRIED AND ALWAYS LIKED THE RULES BUT THIS MARRIAGE BOOK HAS ABSOLUTELY BLOWN ME AWAY. I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND...BUT SOMETIMES HE CAN BE DIFFICULT. NOW I HAVE LEARNED THAT IF I LET HIM WIN, ACT AS IF WE ARE A TEAM, SAY WHAT I MEAN BUT NOT SAY IT MEANLY....I FEEL AS IF THIS BOOK GIVES ME SUPPORT FOR WHAT I SHOULD DO AND DON'T ALWAYS WANT TO DO. I HAVE TRIED IT THIS WHOLE WEEK AND HAVE ALREADY HAD UNBELIABLE RESULTS. THIS BOOK MAKES ME FEEL GREAT. MY FRIEND RECOMMENDED IT TO ME AND I THANK HER , AND ELLEN AND SHERRIE. AND ELLEN, YOU GO GIRL..... I HOPE YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR HUBBY!

I found this book to be pretty basic, common sense. It advises women to keep their own interests, not compare their husbands to others, keep up your looks, don't try to do it all, have a date night, don't scream - etc. I wouldn't say I agree with ALL of it, and you can't write a set of rules that will work for every marraige, but it basically advises that you let go of the petty stuff and be supportive rather than nagging. It is an easy, quick read and there is bit of advice in it that will surely help everyone.