Customer Reviews

The Rules (TM): Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

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I'm very glad The Rules came out.

After finding "The Rules" I gained an insight into the game that *certain* types of men expected me to play, and were themselves playing.

However as I was trying to do the Rules, I realized that "The Rules" just don't work on some people, and that doesn't make it a bad relationship or a bad situation -- it just means that these people don't follow the same male/female roles.

I agree with Dr. Tracy Cabot, and the previous reviewer who mentioned Kiersey/Myers-Briggs persoality typing, in that "The Rules" fail to take into account individual sensitivity. In short, it's a good description of some people... but not of others.

Despite its flaws, I find "The Rules" is a good guide for survival out in the dating world. I can see how this book has its merits. It is a very useful guide to how to set your own limits, and not get taken advantage of.

I don't think it has universal applicability, and I think you need to exercise some critical thinking about each rule.

The basic spirit of "The Rules" is don't get with anyone who doesn't already like *you*, don't make yourself totally available with your time, make them do their share of the work, and don't let them - too early in the game - think they've 'won you' before you've actually set up a committed relationship.

This is great advice for *anyone*. This is especially great advice for those "nice guys" out there who can't get women to like them as anything more than friends. Basically the message is... "don't let them win the race before they've actually crossed the finish line." Don't give your all to someone who hasn't given their all.

The bit about a "romantic gift" I have issue with because everyone's idea of romantic is different. I always hated it when guys got me a single red rose or something stereotyped because it showed they didn't know what I really liked. On the other hand, the most romantic gifts I've gotten were: from one, books about cats and psychology (interests of mine); from another, a stuffed Linux penguin, a computer game and a science fiction magazine.

The *letter* of The Rules however is what I had the most issue with.

It assumes all people are basically the same.

In my experience, the sweetest, most wonderful men in my life were the shy and emotionally available ones who had made themselves available for friendship, but had not approached me in a 'Dating' style format as is outlined in "The Rules". According to "The Rules" I should ditch these men because they didn't make the first move.

"Romantic" is also in the eye of the beholder. For those of you versed in Kiersey/Myers-Briggs terminology, I agree with the guy way back, who commented that "The Rules" may apply to ESFJ women trying to snare ESTJ or ESTP men - these are the extraverted, sensate, everyday people that constitute 90% of us, from construction workers to corporate lawyers. I agree there.

I'm an INTP/INFP, and also an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and have in recent years exclusively dated people like me - i.e., my fellow geeks. Favorite meeting places for me, and the people I like to date, are generally not going to be the "meat-market" venues suggested by The Rules. Actually I tried to do that scene for years, and found I was meeting -- sensate, extraverted guys I had nothing in common with, both as a bookworm and as an introvert.

In short --
If your dating style is to go after alpa-male types, and go to meat-market venues, then yes, follow The Rules and follow ALL of them. This is an EXCELLENT guide as to how to date alpha male corporate lawyer types while avoiding the players who invariably know at least half of the rules (but will bail if you play ALL of them). A good book to pair this with would be "Men who can't love".

If you like those shy, intellectual kind of guys, or guys with a more developed feminine side, and you don't go to meat-markets --
AVOID this book. Better guides to dating would be:

"Intellectual Foreplay" by Eve Eschner Hogan and Steven Hogan

"The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Dr. Elaine Aron
"if The Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl.
"How to love a Nice Guy" by Judy Kuriansky.

"The Rules" works for 90% of men. If that's what you go for - then by all means. I have a friend I desparately wish would read this book, because she keeps getting taken in by exactly the kind of guys who need "The Rules" done on them.

HOWEVER - if you are interested in that other 10%, generally a quieter, more sensitive and cerebral kind of person -- don't be afraid to admit that.

"The Rules" keeps returning like a bad hot dog. I'm embarrassed to admit that, against my judgment and ethics, I can't quite seem to dismiss it altogether. It's like watching somebody pick their nose at a stoplight -- you know you *should* ignore it -- you *want* to ignore it -- but somehow, you can't help yourself.

"The Rules", for those fortunate enough to have avoided the book until now, is an instruction manual telling how women can/should trick alpha males into marriage through withdrawal and manipulation.

Besides the book's cruel, self-esteem-undermining premise -- that the reader is worthless without a man; and moreover, that it requires complete falsification of her looks, mind, personality, and spirit to make her even marginally acceptable...

Besides the paradoxical hollowness of "success" with a false self -- you lose even if you "win", because it's not *you* who succeeds, it's the façade...

Besides the likelihood that persistent coldness, while screening out the uninterested, would also screen *in* the neurotic Don Juan who wants whatever he doesn't have until the instant he gets it, or even outright stalkers and psychos...

Besides how simplistic, morally corrupt, and insulting to *both* genders the book is...

Besides how abominably, sub-literately written it is...

Why does this book provoke such extreme reactions in everyone with a shred of intelligence, integrity, and/or self-esteem? Why is it like a stone in your shoe -- irritating as all get-out, yet impossible to ignore -- rather than simply irritating as all get-out?

Is it the obnoxious, infomercial scamminess and inflated promises?

-- "Sound too good to be true? We were skeptical at first, too."

-- "Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever!"

-- "There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results."
(Oh, the irony!)

Is it the Godawful, degrading advice?

-- "Be feminine."
-- "Always strive to look feminine."
(Can you imagine anyone advising men, "always strive to look masculine"?)

-- "Don't leave the house without makeup."

-- "Wear sheer black pantyhose and hike up your skirt."

Is it the teeth-grinding rage at men?

-- "We mistakenly tried to be 'friends' with men..."

-- "You don't make it easy for him... As he SCRAMBLES around BEGGING the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly."
(That one has not-very-well-repressed sadism rising off the page like steam, doesn't it? "You want hard to get, you S.O.B.? I'll give you hard to get!")

Is it the childish spite toward women who don't "know their place"?

-- "They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games..."

-- "They feel their diplomas and paychecks entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring."

-- "These women always end up heartbroken."

Is it the cheap scare tactics?

-- "It's not fun to break The Rules. You could easily end up alone."

-- "By not accepting that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored."

Granted, you're not going to attract every man you ever say Hello to. But their tales -- always ending in the implication (often, the overt statement) that rejection is *punishment for refusal to comply*, rather than chemistry or random chance -- are like the 50s-style "guide to dating" books where the making-out teenage couple gets hit by a speeding bus.

Is it the gaping holes in logic?

Every anecdote supporting the formula is dangled before the reader like bait, but anything questioning/undermining it is dismissed: "the only guys who will be turned off by this are the guys who weren't really interested in the first place". Why wouldn't that be equally true of *ignoring* the rules? Maybe I should write a job-hunting manual -- "Punch Your Interviewer in the Nose: The Two-Fisted Method for Capturing Your Dream Job" -- and claim, "The only time this won't work is with jobs you were never meant to get in the first place".

Is it the unintentional howlers?

-- "What am I supposed to do all night if no one asks me to dance? Go to the bathroom five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick... walk around the room in circles until somebody notices you..."
(Like they could miss the crazy woman wearing more lipstick than Courtney Love, walking around in circles and going to the bathroom every five minutes?)

I think the book lingers like nuclear waste because it's so *weird*. While it's plausible to suggest that one way to deal with an imbalance of power is by calculated subterfuge, the authors aren't that straightforward. Instead, we get a lot of defensive, self-justifying assertions that "The Rules" are not, repeat NOT, conniving or vicious or bitterly cynical, that men WANT to be manipulated, that men have a "biological need" to pursue (why are people still using junk science to justify the worst aspects of human behavior?).

They also urge the reader not to tell anybody -- friends, families, therapists -- about the book, as though it were a cult. This -- there's no other word for it but paranoia -- makes it clear that the authors know full well that their ideas can't withstand examination/discussion. If your positions are indefensible, why hold them?

As a result of the doublespeak, mean-spiritedness, and desperation pervading every syllable, the book has a creepy, nightmarish, *toxic* vibe, like reading a crazy person's diary. It's hard to put out of your mind even when you want to.

Relationships can be good, bad, or in-between, but reducing human interaction to a grim quest for prey won't improve matters. The authors tell the reader over and over that: 1) "The Rules" aren't REALLY manipulation, and 2) All right, they ARE really manipulation, but they work! It's too bad that they stopped short of 3) OK, they DON'T really work... but we ARE making a ton of money.

I know, there are hundreds of other reviews about this book, but I thought I ought to add my two cents to the lot of them.

My roommate and I always have discussions about this book. She has a boyfriend of 3 years and she played the rules game to get him and keep him. They seem happy, and he's not some alpha male jerk, unlike the perception many of these reviewers have of the kind of guys these things work on. I also know that her mother, who has never read the book, always gave her advice that perfectly matched the rules. It's the kind of advice that's been handed down over the generations and it will get you results if you follow it. But what kind of results?
I've spend my life believing in this fairy tale romance crap about soulmates and "mr. right." When I was with my last boyfriend, I hadn't yet read the rules, but after we broke up I did. I realized that, looking back at that relationship, I was essentially following all the rules, and he was a "well-trained" boyfriend and things were heading in a wonderful direction. Then things started to turn. We had a wonderful relationship, he desired me, I didn't give too much, or so I thought. Nothing was wrong with the relationship, we thought we were in love, so why did I feel so hollow and lost? Only after I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, and went through the inevitable break-up did I realize what was missing from our relationship: Me.
You can spend all your energy turning yourself into something your not and then perpetrate those lies and your significant other might never know the difference. But guess what, you will. Since then I've adopted a more healthy view of relationships and stopped expecting that the kind of men who behave how I'd like them to, according to the rules, are the kind of guys who will enrich my life in the long run. Without these expectations, I've actually been more successful. And I've noticed that if you try to play by these rules with someone you love, and someone who loves you just as much, it will backfire.

five years ago I met the love of my life, but we weren't ready. We were only 18 and had a lot of growing up to do. And it didn't help that we lived in different countries and spoke different languages. We had the most amazing love affair then, but it wasn't perfect and I showed him the real me; I was too young to know any better. He went back home and worked on his education, me on mine. I've been through lots of relationships since then, had boyfriends wrapped around my little finger. for a long time I thought I'd learned how to get what I wanted from guys. And I've never had my heart broken over a guy. The only thing that has broken my heart has been how I sacrificed myself just to get men to behave how I thought they ought to. I was a rules girl without knowing it. I thought I'd finally learned that the rules don't guarantee happiness after my last relationship, the one I first told you about, but I hadn't.

The person whom I truly love, from 5 years ago, recently came back into my life and we both realized that this is the real thing. But I was so used to playing the game,(a game I'd learned after he left, so I'd never have to feel like I'd lost someone again), that I started treating him like that too. Big mistake. The ones who love you for who you really are, a "creature unlike any other," will not love you for toying with them. And why should they? I almost lost the only person I've ever truly loved because I didn't respect him, or myself for that matter, enough to give up the game and follow my heart. Luckily, I realized what I was doing and saved us from a total train wreck. I had stopped believing in soulmates and "mr. right" until being with him reminded me that they aren't necessarily the same thing. My last boyfriend was "Mr. Right," and my future husband definitely falls into the other category. How lucky am I?

These realizations are why I'm writing this review.

The reason guys don't like this book is because they want a woman who is confident, classy and independent, things the rules ladies want you to be and things you should want for yourself, but they don't want women who have to cheat themselves and the people they love just to appear this way. You could say that guys agree with a lot of the points the book makes, even if they won't admit it, but they can never buy into the premise, and neither should you.

Be yourself, spend your energy positively in all areas of your life, especially in the relationship domain. it's karmic really. If you really want to be a creature unlike any other, then why are you listening to a book that tells women to give up their individuality in order to play some formulaic game that will only burn them in the end? Follow your heart, trust your intuition.
And finally, in the words of Buddha, "believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

If I found a love that crosses all kinds of boundaries, geographic, linguistic and the kinds created by these rules, you can too. Good Luck.

Trust that happiness awaits you if you can risk believing in yourself -- that, if anything, is the message you should take away from this book.

This book shows little respect for the intellect and individuality of either gender. It IS everything the authors try to claim it is not - manipulation, game-playing, cruelty, being inconsiderate, ad infinitum.

The book advises (and repetitively reminds) women that they are "a creature unlike any other" even if they are marriage-obsessed couch potatoes desperate to find a husband and produce offspring. If you're sitting watching TV Friday night, don't turn the answering machine off to make men think you have a life - DO something! Go dancing, paint a picture, anything! While witholding information and being elusive may make you *appear* more elusive on the basis of the scarcity principle and may intensify feelings, they WON'T make him fall in love with the "real you". If there's so little of interest about you that you feel the need to resort to the authors' variety of manipulation, ignore their advice, spend some time on self-development, and become more interesting by learning and doing things. A rusted-out '78 Caprice is still a rusted-out '78 Caprice no matter how much body putty and fresh paint you put on it.

Not returning a man's calls, limiting phone time to ten minutes, never meeting him halfway, training him to call early in the week... PLEASE! These *are* inconsiderate and manipulative. The goal of a Rules Girl is to avoid getting hurt emotionally - sure, because she's creating emotional stress by creating hoops for a man to jump through. News flash- if you love someone you DON'T try to make their life difficult. Amusingly, the authors justify such double standards by saying you're not cruel, you're doing him a "favor" by creating longing (as opposed to not wasting his time and letting him find a woman he actually connects with instead of one trying to reel a man in?), that if he's ANGRY it's GOOD because it shows interest (maybe it means you're making his life [bad]?). Need I go on? Then they go so far as to say NOT to read books that disagree or tell your therapist because then you might not follow through with The Rules. (with a Capital R, like "God" vs "god" for added authority!) Afraid your silly little book won't stand up to rational scrutiny? Very dogmatic; apparently the authors are FAR more intelligent than any of their readers, who must follow, lamb-like, if they're ever to enjoy happiness in life. Excellent use of commitment and consistency; commit to something, decide it's what you believe, close your mind to all else, and you WILL be more likely to live it - but if you have at least two active brain cells, is this REALLY how you want to live?

The book also COMPLETELY fails to take personality types into account. It's written for the stereotypical ESFJ woman (the 1950's stereotype in search of the house, white picket fence, etc) and stereotypical ESTJ (or ESTP if she "trains" him well enough) man. Intuitive types, especially perceiving ones, and introverted males will take offense at the tactics described. I personally wouldn't waste my time with a woman who pulled the stunts described in this book. Communication, understanding, and a shared vision are much more important than stupid, coquettish games. If you want to snag a hubby quickly but aren't concerned about true quality, this book may help - though many men would rather you told them about your wedding-obsession up front and scared them off. (The book also treats wedding-obsession, fantasizing about it, planning it, naming the kids, etc as if they were NORMAL, HEALTHY behaviors!!!!) Scary. Very scary.

If you're male, go ahead and read this book for entertainment; you'll laugh at how ridiculous most of it is and learn to spot and avoid "Rules Girls". If you're female - don't corrupt your mind with it, or at least think critically and take its advice with a VERY large grain of salt.

Is life fair? No. Do nice guys (and gals) always finish first? No. So, let's deal with reality, shall we?

This book is true; it's real; and that's why people criticize it. The basic message of The Rules is that women cannot 'make' a man fall in love with her and cannot 'make' a man be attracted to her. He either is or he isn't. And if he isn't attracted and interested, then chasing him isn't going to make him attracted and interested. Oh sure, he may go along for the ride and have a little fun on the side but that's a far as it'll go.

The Rules are good ones, by and large: don't tell your life story right off the bat, don't complain, don't jump right into bed with a man, keep yourself busy, keep your friends and value your time.

Everyone wants to be important to someone else. The Rules is a way of determining when you are important and when someone really wants to be with you. It is NOT manipulative because you cannot *change* someone's feelings. And guys, please be honest here: you don't want a woman who's a doormat and will do anything to be with you. That's not love, that's dependency. And why would that be attractive?

If you're a woman READ this book and see which rules you already do and which you don't. Modify them as you see fit. But first and foremost: don't chase after men and do spend time with yourself, your family, and your friends regardless of whether you have a boyfriend, fiance or husband. Cherish yourself and all you have to offer and don't think you have to give up 'you' to find true love. Let men be the aggressors -- that doesn't mean men get to be aggressive cave-dwelling types. It means that men get to determine their interest level without pressure. It allows men and women to have some space in their lives. It means that women don't abandon their friends to be with a man or break plans to spend with a man who calls at the last minute... it's about having dignity, believing in the natural order of the universe and not hanging on to someone who really doesn't love you, care about you, want to be with you or cherish you. Those are rules I can certainly understand and live with.

After reading Rules I, II, and III, I came to the conclusion that the purpose of these books is to draw an even greater rift between men and women. Some of the advice is excellent (letting him pay for dates, having one's own life, etc.) But I have many objections. First of all, these women have not even been married long enough (Ellen Fein's divorcing) to say The Rules are *guaranteed* to work. I was uncomfortable with the the bossy, know-it-all attitude of the authors, and their blatant lack of consistency as they wrote the second and third books.

One frightening piece of advice in the third book (which are rules for marriage) advises women on sex. They tell the story of a wife who complained to them her husband wanted sex every single day of the month, literally. Well, they said that when it comes to sex, THE MAN RULES IN THAT AREA--PERIOD. I was shocked. It didn't make a difference to them if the wife was exhausted because of kids or work, she should give him all the sex he wants--EVEN if it kills her. Just how is a woman supposed to enjoy sex if she's not in the mood? Isn't it obvious this poor woman is not the one who needs advice, but the husband, who has no consideration for her body? I can't imagine what would happen if that poor woman went away for a week...

A *major* theme of the series is to conceal from one's partner any distress, sadness or problems. Some men aren't adept at seeing a woman in distress, but what kind of man is that, if he can't--even on occasion--let his woman cry into his chest? It only means that he is looking for a Fairy Princess floating on a cloud who has no other concern except which flowers she will pick today. That kind of man is NOT a man at all and isn't worth dealing with. Yet, the authors encourage women to cater to that type. I don't see how pretending to *always* be happy, perky, breezy and light is going to accomplish anything in a male-female relationship besides driving a woman to drink. Sure, it's not good to burden the partner with with ALL one's tears (I admit). On the other hand, in a commitment, pretending to always be happy is just acting, hypocrisy, and it leads to hating the man you're with because you'll eventually know you can't be yourself around him.

LV

I decided to read this book to try to gain a better understanding on why some women treat me the way that they do. I have heard that quite a few women are practicing what is written in this book. I am a 31 year old, single, male, and yes I do believe in love and yes I will get married to the right woman once I find her.

I have to admit that there are some concepts in this book that do ring true. For example, I don't like to be told what to do or to be smothered. But who does? Some things in life are just common sense.

I have met women who practice what is in this book and those women gave me a really cold and unsatisfyied feeling inside. In general, I will not approach a woman who does not give me eye contact. What happened to the art of flirting? Why would I approach a woman who doesn't want me? The authors are assuming that I have a high level of energy to keep on approaching women until I find the right one. They are also assuming that I have a high threshold for rejection.

Please believe me my soul mate will not follow the rule to not call me and rarely return my calls. I want a woman whos cares about me. I would feel cold and unwanted if she were not to call me to see how I was doing.

Yes, I understand that respect is very important. I also understand that anyone deserves to demand respect. But this book sounds more about how to punish a man who isn't treating you right or how to catch the eye and attention of the very aggressive male whom you want to tame. I am polite and give women respect so when they treat me like how the book describes I feel like I am being punished for being polite and respectful. I have been suspecting for many years now that many women really don't want love, they chose the drama instead. Hey, if that is what turns you on that is your decision.

Rules girls leave me feeling cold inside and please do not think for a moment that this I what I consider to be true love. It's just another control game.

This book is about all or nothing. What happened do dating and having some fun before marrage? It is better to get this experience before marrage because once you are married you might get curious and start to reflect.

There are many many women out there that I would really like to get to know but they act so unapproachable that I don't want to intrude and feel like I am not welcome. It's really a shame because its making us both miserable. There is nothing wrong with some conversation. Yes, I do agree that the man should ask the woman out but she can speak first. Since when is saying hi and talking a painful experience?

This isn't a book about love but about mental torture.

Yes, I have been deeply in love and when we first met it was love at first sight. I will never forget how I looked into her eyes and she returned that gaze. It was the most perfect moment in my life.

Interesting book.

Just one question, what happens to a "Rules Girl" when the guy she is dating reads the book? He (if he has an IQ over 80) is going to know she is "Doing the Rules" on him.

I didn't give the book "one star" because there is some depth to the book that I agree with. *GOOD POINTS* Ellen and Sherry put a time limit of 1 to 2 years of dating (prior to marriage) before getting "out" of the relationship. I agree with them. (If both parties are over 25, and have been dating for 2 years, and they aren't married, they are not GOING to be married.) No way will the guy propose.

I also agree with waiting until the man says "I Love You" before you sleep together. The physical part, that only makes the relationship better (and stronger) if there is already love there.

Now, I'll tell you why I disgree with the premise of the book.

#1) The book isn't fair to WOMEN! The only rights women are given in this book is the right of refusal. That's not enough. Women should have the right to satisfy their own happiness! (A woman could practice "The Rules" her entire life, and never get chased. What is she supposed to do? Keep waiting? Die single and alone? Yuck.)

#2) The 50's are over. Women work now, and they make money. Women don't need a man and his financial security. Women should be able to ask guys out, even pay for a meal. Why? WHY NOT? It's fun to treat. I love treating ladies, and I also love to be treated! Also, if you treat a guy, (here's a litle secret ladies) he will REALY think you are something special! (Big Time!) Why will he think that? Because he will KNOW that you are not trying to take advantage of him, and HIS company is enough for your time. (Much the way your company is enough for him!) If his company is NOT enough for your time, then you should re-evaluate what you are persuing. (Is it marriage, love, and happiness, or is it money, security, and material "things?")

#3) Heed these next words, The Rules (tends to) attract stalkers, abusers, and domineering men. Why? Because the qualities in women that THEY are looking for, (Trophy Wife) are supported by very "Rulesy Mannerisms." You might manipulate a nice guy, but the odds are probably stacked against you. You'd do better being less mysterious and open your heart to someone you realy care about. (Ask a current "Rules Girl" that you might know, that might have talked you into buying this book, if she was persued by stalkers or abusive men. Ask her if she ever had trouble "Nexting" the guy.)

#4) Anyone can read the book. Assume best case scenario, The Rules works for you, you build up your self-esteem with the book, you set up 50's thinking boundaries, you manipulate the "Perfect" guy, and you get married. What happens when your husband reads the book and asks you if YOU read it? Are you going to LIE to him? (There is a marriage built on trust.) The book is VERY straight forward, and guys can find out very easily if they are with (or ever HAVE been with) a "Rules Girl."

Anyway, it is an interesting book. If women didn't work or care who they wound up with, if men didn't stalk, and men didn't read, I'd give it 5 stars.

Why is this pig slop?

1 - If you enter a relationship based on dishonesty, you'll wind up married to someone you don't know.

2 - If a guy knows this is the game, and it's not really you, he will get turned off instantly.

3 - The book tells a woman how to catch a man who enjoys the chase. Wouldn't you rather catch a man who enjoys you?

4 - What kind of manners are based on not returning phone calls?

I'm a guy, and I've read it. It's taught me how to avoid girls looking to follow the advice of some untrained pop-gurus. (These are pop gurus that lack the academic or professional background required to be taken seriously.)

All my single girlfriends (many who are in fact gorgeous, successful, and intelligent) who have read and followed The Rules to a tee, are STILL SINGLE!

I, however, disregarded The Rules (because I found them to be utter nonsense) and am happily married. My advice: Try to find a healthy BALANCE between letting him know you're genuinely interested (by returning his calls for example, or else he'll think you're rude or not interested), but not being too eager, desperate, or pathetic. Just be your happy, confident self. If, however, you're not happy, confident, or generally lack self esteem to begin with, what you really need is professional therapy, not manipulative techniques to merely APPEAR to be something you're not. Don't try too hard or play any silly games. Also, know when to cut your losses and move on if the guy is clearly not as interested in you as you are with him. In the end, wouldn't you rather have a guy fall in love with you for who you REALLY are - with all your imperfections as well as your best attributes???