The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right [Mass Market Paperback]

Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 1, 1996

You are a creature unlike any other (Rule #1)--that's why you need . . . The Rules. A simple set of dos and don'ts, The Rules will lead you to where you want to be: in a healthy, committed relationship. Unlike today's haphazard dating customs, The Rules recognizes certain facts of life. That men know what they want. That a man is either attracted to you--or not! That men want a challenge, not an instant or easy victory. When you follow these commonsense guidelines, you treat yourself with respect and dignity--and demand that men do likewise. Although they sound old-fashioned ("Don't see him more than once or twice a week"), they encourage you to lead a full, satisfying, busy life--outside of romance. Although they seem tough ("Don't talk to a man first"), they will teach you how to accept occasional defeat and move on. And although they require discipline ("No more than casual kissing on the first date"), they will bring out the best in you and in the men you date. The goal? Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

An unexpected bestseller, this self-help book for women who want to hook a man seems to have struck a chord with desperate American women. Fein and Schneider, whose main credentials seem to be that they are married, lay out the rules to be followed for successfully snagging a dream hunk. And these rules are hard as cast-iron--Rule Five: Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls. The idea is to return to pre-feminist mind games, exploiting the male hunting urge by playing hard to get. The result seems unliberating--Rule Seventeen: Let Him Take the Lead--but it seems to be capturing female minds. Rules Girls are eyeing the phone with steely resolve, and Rules seminars are springing up nationwide. Curious bachelors have been observed studying The Rules, some frowning, others with the supercilious smile of the hunter. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

The Rules is not just a book; it's a movement. -- Time, Elizabeth Gleick --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Mass Market Paperback: 192 pages
• Publisher: Grand Central Publishing (February 1, 1996)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0446602744
• ISBN-13: 978-0446602747
• Product Dimensions: 6.7 x 4.1 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 5.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (596 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #180,350 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

141 of 153 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars How to catch *certain* men, but not others, December 3, 2002

By 

A. Wilson - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (Mass Market Paperback)

I'm very glad The Rules came out.

After finding "The Rules" I gained an insight into the game that *certain* types of men expected me to play, and were themselves playing.

However as I was trying to do the Rules, I realized that "The Rules" just don't work on some people, and that doesn't make it a bad relationship or a bad situation -- it just means that these people don't follow the same male/female roles.

I agree with Dr. Tracy Cabot, and the previous reviewer who mentioned Kiersey/Myers-Briggs persoality typing, in that "The Rules" fail to take into account individual sensitivity. In short, it's a good description of some people... but not of others.

Despite its flaws, I find "The Rules" is a good guide for survival out in the dating world. I can see how this book has its merits. It is a very useful guide to how to set your own limits, and not get taken advantage of.

I don't think it has universal applicability, and I think you need to exercise some critical thinking about each rule.

The basic spirit of "The Rules" is don't get with anyone who doesn't already like *you*, don't make yourself totally available with your time, make them do their share of the work, and don't let them - too early in the game - think they've 'won you' before you've actually set up a committed relationship.

This is great advice for *anyone*. This is especially great advice for those "nice guys" out there who can't get women to like them as anything more than friends. Basically the message is... "don't let them win the race before they've actually crossed the finish line." Don't give your all to someone who hasn't given their all.

The bit about a "romantic gift" I have issue with because everyone's idea of romantic is different. I always hated it when guys got me a single red rose or something stereotyped because it showed they didn't know what I really liked. On the other hand, the most romantic gifts I've gotten were: from one, books about cats and psychology (interests of mine); from another, a stuffed Linux penguin, a computer game and a science fiction magazine.

The *letter* of The Rules however is what I had the most issue with.

It assumes all people are basically the same.

In my experience, the sweetest, most wonderful men in my life were the shy and emotionally available ones who had made themselves available for friendship, but had not approached me in a 'Dating' style format as is outlined in "The Rules". According to "The Rules" I should ditch these men because they didn't make the first move.

"Romantic" is also in the eye of the beholder. For those of you versed in Kiersey/Myers-Briggs terminology, I agree with the guy way back, who commented that "The Rules" may apply to ESFJ women trying to snare ESTJ or ESTP men - these are the extraverted, sensate, everyday people that constitute 90% of us, from construction workers to corporate lawyers. I agree there.

I'm an INTP/INFP, and also an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and have in recent years exclusively dated people like me - i.e., my fellow geeks. Favorite meeting places for me, and the people I like to date, are generally not going to be the "meat-market" venues suggested by The Rules. Actually I tried to do that scene for years, and found I was meeting -- sensate, extraverted guys I had nothing in common with, both as a bookworm and as an introvert.

In short --
If your dating style is to go after alpa-male types, and go to meat-market venues, then yes, follow The Rules and follow ALL of them. This is an EXCELLENT guide as to how to date alpha male corporate lawyer types while avoiding the players who invariably know at least half of the rules (but will bail if you play ALL of them). A good book to pair this with would be "Men who can't love".

If you like those shy, intellectual kind of guys, or guys with a more developed feminine side, and you don't go to meat-markets --
AVOID this book. Better guides to dating would be:

"Intellectual Foreplay" by Eve Eschner Hogan and Steven Hogan

"The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Dr. Elaine Aron
"if The Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl.
"How to love a Nice Guy" by Judy Kuriansky.

"The Rules" works for 90% of men. If that's what you go for - then by all means. I have a friend I desparately wish would read this book, because she keeps getting taken in by exactly the kind of guys who need "The Rules" done on them.

HOWEVER - if you are interested in that other 10%, generally a quieter, more sensitive and cerebral kind of person -- don't be afraid to admit that.

300 of 339 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Radon for the Soul, July 11, 2002

By 

LittleDee (Portland, OR United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (Mass Market Paperback)

"The Rules" keeps returning like a bad hot dog. I'm embarrassed to admit that, against my judgment and ethics, I can't quite seem to dismiss it altogether. It's like watching somebody pick their nose at a stoplight -- you know you *should* ignore it -- you *want* to ignore it -- but somehow, you can't help yourself.

"The Rules", for those fortunate enough to have avoided the book until now, is an instruction manual telling how women can/should trick alpha males into marriage through withdrawal and manipulation.

Besides the book's cruel, self-esteem-undermining premise -- that the reader is worthless without a man; and moreover, that it requires complete falsification of her looks, mind, personality, and spirit to make her even marginally acceptable...

Besides the paradoxical hollowness of "success" with a false self -- you lose even if you "win", because it's not *you* who succeeds, it's the façade...

Besides the likelihood that persistent coldness, while screening out the uninterested, would also screen *in* the neurotic Don Juan who wants whatever he doesn't have until the instant he gets it, or even outright stalkers and psychos...

Besides how simplistic, morally corrupt, and insulting to *both* genders the book is...

Besides how abominably, sub-literately written it is...

Why does this book provoke such extreme reactions in everyone with a shred of intelligence, integrity, and/or self-esteem? Why is it like a stone in your shoe -- irritating as all get-out, yet impossible to ignore -- rather than simply irritating as all get-out?

Is it the obnoxious, infomercial scamminess and inflated promises?

-- "Sound too good to be true? We were skeptical at first, too."

-- "Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever!"

-- "There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results."
(Oh, the irony!)

Is it the Godawful, degrading advice?

-- "Be feminine."
-- "Always strive to look feminine."
(Can you imagine anyone advising men, "always strive to look masculine"?)

-- "Don't leave the house without makeup."

-- "Wear sheer black pantyhose and hike up your skirt."

Is it the teeth-grinding rage at men?

-- "We mistakenly tried to be 'friends' with men..."

-- "You don't make it easy for him... As he SCRAMBLES around BEGGING the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly."
(That one has not-very-well-repressed sadism rising off the page like steam, doesn't it? "You want hard to get, you S.O.B.? I'll give you hard to get!")

Is it the childish spite toward women who don't "know their place"?

-- "They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games..."

-- "They feel their diplomas and paychecks entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring."

-- "These women always end up heartbroken."

Is it the cheap scare tactics?

-- "It's not fun to break The Rules. You could easily end up alone."

-- "By not accepting that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored."

Granted, you're not going to attract every man you ever say Hello to. But their tales -- always ending in the implication (often, the overt statement) that rejection is *punishment for refusal to comply*, rather than chemistry or random chance -- are like the 50s-style "guide to dating" books where the making-out teenage couple gets hit by a speeding bus.

Is it the gaping holes in logic?

Every anecdote supporting the formula is dangled before the reader like bait, but anything questioning/undermining it is dismissed: "the only guys who will be turned off by this are the guys who weren't really interested in the first place". Why wouldn't that be equally true of *ignoring* the rules? Maybe I should write a job-hunting manual -- "Punch Your Interviewer in the Nose: The Two-Fisted Method for Capturing Your Dream Job" -- and claim, "The only time this won't work is with jobs you were never meant to get in the first place".

Is it the unintentional howlers?

-- "What am I supposed to do all night if no one asks me to dance? Go to the bathroom five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick... walk around the room in circles until somebody notices you..."
(Like they could miss the crazy woman wearing more lipstick than Courtney Love, walking around in circles and going to the bathroom every five minutes?)

I think the book lingers like nuclear waste because it's so *weird*. While it's plausible to suggest that one way to deal with an imbalance of power is by calculated subterfuge, the authors aren't that straightforward. Instead, we get a lot of defensive, self-justifying assertions that "The Rules" are not, repeat NOT, conniving or vicious or bitterly cynical, that men WANT to be manipulated, that men have a "biological need" to pursue (why are people still using junk science to justify the worst aspects of human behavior?).

They also urge the reader not to tell anybody -- friends, families, therapists -- about the book, as though it were a cult. This -- there's no other word for it but paranoia -- makes it clear that the authors know full well that their ideas can't withstand examination/discussion. If your positions are indefensible, why hold them?

As a result of the doublespeak, mean-spiritedness, and desperation pervading every syllable, the book has a creepy, nightmarish, *toxic* vibe, like reading a crazy person's diary. It's hard to put out of your mind even when you want to.

Relationships can be good, bad, or in-between, but reducing human interaction to a grim quest for prey won't improve matters. The authors tell the reader over and over that: 1) "The Rules" aren't REALLY manipulation, and 2) All right, they ARE really manipulation, but they work! It's too bad that they stopped short of 3) OK, they DON'T really work... but we ARE making a ton of money.

68 of 74 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars They have a point, but they are missing the big picture, February 22, 2005

By 

happy_wanderer26 (San Francisco, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (Mass Market Paperback)

I know, there are hundreds of other reviews about this book, but I thought I ought to add my two cents to the lot of them.

My roommate and I always have discussions about this book. She has a boyfriend of 3 years and she played the rules game to get him and keep him. They seem happy, and he's not some alpha male jerk, unlike the perception many of these reviewers have of the kind of guys these things work on. I also know that her mother, who has never read the book, always gave her advice that perfectly matched the rules. It's the kind of advice that's been handed down over the generations and it will get you results if you follow it. But what kind of results?
I've spend my life believing in this fairy tale romance crap about soulmates and "mr. right." When I was with my last boyfriend, I hadn't yet read the rules, but after we broke up I did. I realized that, looking back at that relationship, I was essentially following all the rules, and he was a "well-trained" boyfriend and things were heading in a wonderful direction. Then things started to turn. We had a wonderful relationship, he desired me, I didn't give too much, or so I thought. Nothing was wrong with the relationship, we thought we were in love, so why did I feel so hollow and lost? Only after I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, and went through the inevitable break-up did I realize what was missing from our relationship: Me.
You can spend all your energy turning yourself into something your not and then perpetrate those lies and your significant other might never know the difference. But guess what, you will. Since then I've adopted a more healthy view of relationships and stopped expecting that the kind of men who behave how I'd like them to, according to the rules, are the kind of guys who will enrich my life in the long run. Without these expectations, I've actually been more successful. And I've noticed that if you try to play by these rules with someone you love, and someone who loves you just as much, it will backfire.

five years ago I met the love of my life, but we weren't ready. We were only 18 and had a lot of growing up to do. And it didn't help that we lived in different countries and spoke different languages. We had the most amazing love affair then, but it wasn't perfect and I showed him the real me; I was too young to know any better. He went back home and worked on his education, me on mine. I've been through lots of relationships since then, had boyfriends wrapped around my little finger. for a long time I thought I'd learned how to get what I wanted from guys. And I've never had my heart broken over a guy. The only thing that has broken my heart has been how I sacrificed myself just to get men to behave how I thought they ought to. I was a rules girl without knowing it. I thought I'd finally learned that the rules don't guarantee happiness after my last relationship, the one I first told you about, but I hadn't.

The person whom I truly love, from 5 years ago, recently came back into my life and we both realized that this is the real thing. But I was so used to playing the game,(a game I'd learned after he left, so I'd never have to feel like I'd lost someone again), that I started treating him like that too. Big mistake. The ones who love you for who you really are, a "creature unlike any other," will not love you for toying with them. And why should they? I almost lost the only person I've ever truly loved because I didn't respect him, or myself for that matter, enough to give up the game and follow my heart. Luckily, I realized what I was doing and saved us from a total train wreck. I had stopped believing in soulmates and "mr. right" until being with him reminded me that they aren't necessarily the same thing. My last boyfriend was "Mr. Right," and my future husband definitely falls into the other category. How lucky am I?

These realizations are why I'm writing this review.

The reason guys don't like this book is because they want a woman who is confident, classy and independent, things the rules ladies want you to be and things you should want for yourself, but they don't want women who have to cheat themselves and the people they love just to appear this way. You could say that guys agree with a lot of the points the book makes, even if they won't admit it, but they can never buy into the premise, and neither should you.

Be yourself, spend your energy positively in all areas of your life, especially in the relationship domain. it's karmic really. If you really want to be a creature unlike any other, then why are you listening to a book that tells women to give up their individuality in order to play some formulaic game that will only burn them in the end? Follow your heart, trust your intuition.
And finally, in the words of Buddha, "believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

If I found a love that crosses all kinds of boundaries, geographic, linguistic and the kinds created by these rules, you can too. Good Luck.

Trust that happiness awaits you if you can risk believing in yourself -- that, if anything, is the message you should take away from this book.