Customer Reviews

Sacred Influence: What a Man Needs from His Wife to Be the Husband She Wants

5 star:		(40)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Sacred Influence addresses a woman's role in marriage as designed by God. This book is Biblically sound and doctrinally accurate. Gary Thomas' ability to tell women how be the wives that husbands need them to be and the women God designed the to be in such a kind and gentle way demonstrates his skill as an author and his understanding of love defined in I Corinthians. He does not compromise the truth regarding the requirements God sets before a woman in her marriage, or the roles for which we are designed. However, instead of beating down a woman's spirit, he mananges to motivate women to do their duties, in even the most difficult circumstances because it helps a husband be the man she wants and needs him to be. When I finished this book, it was very clear to me how much men need their wives in every facet of life. The better a wife treats her husband, the more likely she is to be treated better in return. The level of success of this priciple is of course relative to the humility of soul in both people in the marriage, and Thomas does not back down from that principle, either. Being valuable and needed is necessary validation for all of us. Thomas suggests that wives look for how their husbands might be trying to give them that validation, rather than assume the husbands aren't because they aren't doing it the way the wife thinks they should be. Furthermore, he suggests living by example in that regard--don't demand what you're not offering. If wives treat husbands like they are men, instead of wishing they would be something else--namely women, then they come to a point where they cannot live without us. Many women who are dissatisfied in their marriages complain that their husbands aren't men they want them to be. Thomas suggests that wives treat their husbands as if they already are that man while encouraging them in love. Most women don't get what they want because they set undefined and elusive standards, and then issue insults and ridicule when the unspoken standard isn't met. If you treat a man like he's worthless, he'll live up to that. If you treat a man like he's wonderful, he will live up to that, too. If he's worthless, there's no encouragement and no way to escape his pitiful state. If he's wonderful, he's going to do everything he can to protect that value you give him.

I can't stress enough how polite Thomas' presentation is. While he does address issues of authority and roles, he presents it as a true leader would and has a correct understanding that authority in marriage. It is not that of dictator to slave, parent to child, teacher to student, or boss to employee. It is that of love, respect and responsibility to one another for the sake of God's glory, a stable home, and a strong nation. In my opinion, the best thing about this book is that it is written by a humble man, from a man's prespective so that women can understand a man's thought processes and physical nature. Many women seek enlightenment about men from other women--AND THE WOMEN THEY TRUST DON'T KNOW MEN (ie. women's magazines and feminist authors). This perpetuates failed communcation and disappointments in the realationship. He encourages women not to assume the thoughts and intents of their husbands souls, but explains men from a man's perspective and then encourages women to listen, believe and talk to their husbands.

I really liked this book. I thought it was objective about good circumstances and trying ones, behaviors, attitudes, sex, and dealing with one another on a daily basis. He doesn't depict some inachievable panacea, but he doesn't browbeat or fortell doom and gloom, either. I found it motivational with sensible insight, and logical explantions.

I must first and formost admit that this is was a very difficult book for me to read. The TRUTH presented in it hit home like a tone of bricks! I really appreciate Mr. Thomas's point of view and I really like that this book is written from a man's point of view. I really feel like God has chosen me to do a good work in my husband's life. This book has helped me see how I have not been cooperating with God in being a Godly influence to my husband. Here's the thing: I'm not sure I would recommend this book for women who are being neglected or emotionally/physically abused by their husband. Women in this position are in a very delicate state and need to be built up in God and receive a stronger foundation in Him before being able to take a look at themselves throught the lens of this book. There are elements in this book that may inadvertently reinforce a woman's belief that her mistreatment is her doing and her responsibility. A woman's abuse at the hands of her husband is his choice and his choice ALONE. There are so many woman out there who need to be empowered FIRST, before one is able to pick apart their roles in their abusive relationships. There needs to be a greater awareness of this issue and it needs to be addressed more openly in books that deal with the woman's role in the marriage.

Although there was a chapter on husbands who are unsaved, it was not adequate. This kind of union has different needs from a christian union and I felt that this book did not provide this different perspective.

Another bad taste that was left in my mouth after all this was that in my readings of so many of the Christian lit on marriage (including this one), men seem to not be held accountable for ungodly behavior as much as women. Despite this very valuable point of view from Mr. Thomas, it lacks any kind of idea that men should be held accountable for the mistreatment of their wives.

I gave this book four stars because I feel like despite it's drawbacks it has helped me realize that by honoring my husband I'm really honoring God. It is God who requires me to be a good wife to my husband and that fact is paramount to whatever self-centered feelings I may have toward my marriage and my husband. This book defintely helps you to realize how you can be the wife God wants you to be.

I was really excited about this book, but I ended up feeling more frustrated than anything else. To be fair, the book is not poorly written and indeed is more engaging than many Christian advice books out there. However, I think that Mr. Thomas simply lost control of the tone--in the end I had the feeling that he sees marriage as nothing more than a long trial sent from God, the rewards of which we will reap only when we get to heaven. In all of the other marriage books I've read, the authors praise their own wives highly and seem to be genuinely happy in their marriages. I get no such sense from Mr. Thomas (this is not to say his marriage isn't happy, simply that it doesn't come across in the book). If he explains in great depth the mechanics of the first fruit of the spirit, love, he neglects entirely the second, joy.

My other complaints with the book involve Mr. Thomas's treatment of genders. While I appreciate understanding a man physiologically, I don't want my understanding of my husband to end there. Nor do I want him to understand me only from a biological standpoint (i.e., I am one of 3.5 billion females). Also, I felt like women are held to a much higher standard in this book than men are, and that wives are often held accountable for their husbands' behavior, or at least for aggravating their husbands' bad behavior. I understand that this book was written specifically for women, but the implication seemed to be that wives simply have to bite the bullet, accept that their husbands will never be all that spectacular, and then try to accommodate them in every way. Furthermore, I was actually insulted on men's behalf at times, due to the way that Mr. Thomas characterizes them as bumbling, insensitive creatures of roughly caveman intelligence who just need to relax watch some TV before they can have even a semi-meaningful discussion with their wives.

Honestly, I eventually got so frustrated with this book that I just had to put it down. I believe it was at the point where Mr. Thomas was explaining why men love their cars and how their cars, unlike their wives, are very clear about their needs and never ask a man how he's feeling. This goes on for a page or so, and at no point does Mr. Thomas qualify that his wife has some advantage that his car doesn't. I found this passage so demeaning, regardless of the author's intent, that I couldn't go on.

In short, this may be helpful for some women in certain circumstances, but if you grew up with a Christian understanding of marriage, you may not find anything in this book revolutionary. And if you're like me, you will find yourself more frustrated than helped.

Another true masterpiece by Gary Thomas. If life came with a required reading list, this book would definitley need to be on the list. Gary is candid, practical, and transparent in his writing while maintaining a spirit of grace in his mentoring. This book gives a solid depiction of true servanthood in a marriage and why it works. It is a breath of fresh air in our in-your-face society of "self-fullfilment". I have applied the Biblical based advice in my own home and marriage, and haved reaped a harvest of great blessing and true happiness.

This is definitely worth reading! I wish every married (or soon to be married) woman would read this. Gary Thomas writes TO women, not just at them or for them. I felt very understood and was excited to alter my behavior during and after reading this.I also learned a ton about men in general...and i've been married for 14 years so i am not "new" at this. I am so encouraged! This isn't 5 easy steps to change your man, but a challenge and call to change yourself...the ONLY one you CAN change. The blessing that comes in your marriage from your personal growth is a bonus! It gives great advise from a man's point of view. Isn't that what we all need since we are so different from men? He is caring and respectful but plain and easy to understand. I hope you enjoy it as much as i have. Since i have read this and Sacred Marriage i have gone on to read Gary's other book The Glorious Pursuit...another winner!

To date, this book has been the greatest blessing of my married life. Gary Thomas is exceptionally insightful and writes with a heart of compassion and humility that translates loud and clear. I've read through several of the chapters with my husband and was delighted to discover just how much he identified with what Thomas said about the way men think and feel. After reading and discussing together, we had some really great breakthroughs in communication, just realizing where the other person was coming from, perspective-wise. I was amazed.

The subtitle really captures the essence of the book: "What a Man Needs from His Wife to Be the Husband She Wants". Each chapter focuses on a different area of potential difficulty in a marriage where personal change and growth in your own life WILL have an effect on your relationship with your husband. This is not easy to hear when you are frustrated with a difficult spouse! But I can personally attest, following this way of thinking/acting has the power to change your marriage forever. And in the process you will find yourself closer to God and more joyful than ever before!

As other reviewers have stated, "Sacred Influence" stands solidly on Scripture and sound theology. Happily, unlike other books of admittedly equal theological quality, this book is a great read - Thomas has a very engaging and enjoyable writing style. He incorporates many fun and fascinating stories of both present-day and historical couples and lots of personal experience. But don't expect an easy read though; as I mentioned above, the content is extremely personally challenging and goes against just about everything we hear in our culture! Change takes work. I've now learned that to become an element of change in my marriage and my husband's life, that work needs to start with me.

I've been going through and discussing the book a chapter at a time with a small group of women from my church, which has been an added blessing. I highly recommend it for group study - especially in a setting with mixed ages/marital experience, where different perspectives and experiences add valuable insight. And our group has also demonstrated that this book is perfect for wives of vastly differing ages and length/type of marriage - the principles are still the same and we ALL need them! :-)

This book is about the best I've read on the wife's relationship toward her husband. It is solid theologically, practically and relationally. While the focus is on a wife's relating to her husband, there will be many principles that can be applied to relationships across the board. From a "framework" perspective it does not reduce a wife to ONLY being a helper-completer, as do some books on this topic.

Rather than me attempting to express the depth of insight and wisdom in this book, I decided that Gary Thomas speaking for himself would serve the purpose. The rest of this review comes straight from "Sacred Influence" to your screen :)

Quoted from "Sacred Influence" by Gary Thomas:

"How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?

When you find yourself in a difficult marriage, or in a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength, courage, dignity, and biblical wisdom. God could of course speak the word and your problem would be solved- voila! But that's not how God usually works. He allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate- he may even walk us through our deepest fears- so that we can grow in him.

The Bible is adamant about this. Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times

<quotes from Rom 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; 1Pet 1:7>...

The good news is that you and God are in this together. He knew, even before he created you, who you'd marry. And he will continue to give you the tools you need to become the person he's called you to be and to do the work he's created you to do within your current relationship. God would never leave you alone in any situation: "He will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut 31:6). Even if you married a non-Christian, God's grace is sufficient for you. You cannot dig a hole so deep that it cuts you off from God's provision, care, and life-giving strength....

That's the message I want to communicate: you and God are in this together, and he's beginning your marriage makeover with you. Let him transform you as you seek to move your husband. While you may never achieve the results you have in mind, you can- without question- change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. It begins with understanding, perhaps for the first time, the glory of being a godly woman and acting with the strength of a godly woman who understands she was created in the image of God, forgiven of her sins through the work of Jesus Christ, and gifted and empowered by God's Holy Spirit to live the life God has called her to live...

By courageously facing up to the challenges that every marriage faces, and by letting God change you in the process, something wonderful takes place- the formation of a new woman, fully alive to God, who can take the lessons she learns at home and apply them everywhere else.

'We can't guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it.'"

Of all the marriage books written, Sacred Marriage (for couples) and Sacred Influence (for women) are the best and most realistic. After 30 years of marriage, these two books have significantly helped my marriage to reach a level of love, respect and contentment that none of the other counsels on marriage have. I've given these to both of my children to get them started off right. Even my mother said she wishes she'd had this book years ago.

Gary Thomas is brave to write a book for wives from a male perspective and he does a fairly good job, in my opinion. There are spots where he makes generalizations and the examples of couples he uses are on the sweet and simple side, but he makes some good points. We are either making a good marriage by degrees or tearing one down by degrees. Our identity is in Christ, not our marital status.
I preferred "Sacred Marriage" over "Sacred Influence" by Thomas, but this one did make a good book for a discussion group of wives in my church.