The Sacrificial Mother: Loving Your Children Without Losing Yourself [Hardcover]

Carin, Ph.D. Rubenstein (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1998

Experts in the art of self-sacrifice, mothers rarely realize that self-denial can be hazardous to a woman's health and well-being and to that of her children. This thought-provoking book serves as a wake-up call to women, showing that self-denial benefits neither them nor their families.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

This book defines "sacrifice syndrome," a widespread but little-publicized problem afflicting millions of overzealous, selfless mothers. Author Carin Rubenstein, Ph.D., a social psychologist who admits she tracked down a classics scholar so her third-grade son could interview him for a school project, argues that both mothers and children would be better off if mothers acted a little more "selfist" and stopped denying things for themselves for the sake of their kids and husbands. Do you save the last chocolate chip cookie for the kids, even when you really want it? Do you go without sleep, without new clothes, without a night out on the town, just so your children will benefit? More than 55,000 parents were surveyed for this book, and Rubenstein effectively argues that the sacrificial mothers who never put themselves first are losing their sense of self. That loss affects their mental health--and eventually their family's functioning. Like Dalma Heyn's Marriage Shock, The Sacrificial Mother is an intriguing exploration into the psychology of modern women, and a practical guide for helping them bring peace and balance to their lives and follow their dreams--not those of their husbands or children.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 243 pages
• Publisher: Hyperion Books; 1st edition (May 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0786862629
• ISBN-13: 978-0786862627
• Product Dimensions: 9.6 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,296,239 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Lacking in insight., November 14, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Sacrificial Mother: Loving Your Children Without Losing Yourself (Hardcover)

Although this book provides some interesting reading for an experienced mother it would be dangerous if it fell into the hands of a new one. The author continually advises against falling in love with your little one and seems to ignore their feelings completely. This is contrary to what most new mothers need. Beginning mothers need to have their feelings of love and devotion validated not ridiculed. The author uses examples like a mother giving up drinking soft drinks for breakfast as an example of a sacrificial mother. Is this a bad thing? Is there anything wrong with our children being the catalyst for positive change. There is a lot to lear about mothering but this book offers a mother nothing.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Worthwhile message, but frustratingly repetitious, February 6, 2002

By 

"lucy_grey" (Florida) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Sacrificial Mother : Escaping the Trap of Self-Denial (Paperback)

Rubenstein makes some compelling and insightful observations in this book, and the author's message is a valuable one for a mother or mother-to-be. However, the book is annoyingly repetitive (I wondered if Rubenstein's editor was on vacation??), hammering the same point over and over. The book seems disorganized, as well as filled excessively with anecdotal information ("my neighbor," "my friend," "a woman I know,") that simply reillustrates points already clearly illustrated. The book should have been trimmed down to a third its published length.

In a nutshell, Rubenstein's thesis is thus: Most mothers sacrifice too much for their families, and frequently all this sacrificing spoils the children (and husband) and simultaneously causes the mother to lose her sense of self. A vicious cycle results: the children and husband rely on the mother/wife to do everything for them, and although the mother/wife gets increasingly frustrated, exhausted, and angry at this, she continues to feel it's her "job" to sacrifice for her family, to *always* meet their "needs" (which are often not real needs) before--or instead of--her own. The rest of the book simply shows examples of this pattern, ranging from the absurd to the commonplace.

Rubenstein is NOT saying that women should give up sacrificing--just that they shouldn't sacrifice quite so much, since it can be costly to their mental and physical health, to the health of their marriages, and to the developing autonomy of their children. She IS saying that women need to make sure their husbands and children also learn to sacrifice--so the whole family works as a team.

The book is worth reading, or skimming, if these are issues you are struggling with. Even if you are not, it's not a bad message to be pay attention to anyway. Many women exhibit this kind of behavior even before they become mothers or wives.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A "Must Read" for Moms, Moms-to-Be, and Those Considering, August 13, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Sacrificial Mother: Loving Your Children Without Losing Yourself (Hardcover)

This is an excellent, enlightening book. If you are a woman reading it, you will laugh and want to cry at the same time. Carin Rubenstein paints a painfully realistic picture of women that we all know so, so well (think "Mom") but may not have labeled before. The book will open your eyes to both your own actions as well as those of other women you know and have known. It also tells you how to break out of the "sacrifice mode" that society encourages you to be in and to build a more equal relationship with your mate. I am in my 20s and do not *yet* have children; and the information provided in this book has drastically altered the way I plan to approach motherhood. My mom gave me the book as a "must read" *before* I give birth to my first child. However, it is equally important for anyone who still has children at home to read it.