Customer Reviews

Sanity and Grace: A Journey of Suicide, Survival, and Strength

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

As a physician who cares for suicidal patients and survivors of suicide, this book brought me enlightenment. As a parent who has lost a child, it brought me tears. Now I understand the pain behind the beautiful music of one of my favorite singers, Judy Collins. As she says in her book, "we are all looking for the light".

Sanity and Grace: A Journey of Suicide, Survival, and Strength
by Judy Collins
Reviewed by Suzanne M. Retzinger, Ph.D.

"The streets of London have their map; but our passions are uncharted." (Virginia Woolf).

I was given a copy of Sanity and Grace by a remarkable man - Al Lowman - and was not sure at the time what I was meant to see. I read it to find out. I found a rare combination of expression of feeling and intelligent use of the work that has been done on suicide - woven together into a story. What I saw in Judy Collins's book was a roadmap of the passions. I read the story of a journey from the stigma and shame of a family secret - her son's death by suicide - into the open where healing begins to take place.

Breaking down the ancient walls of a taboo, Judy chose to build bridges, rather than remain behind the wall. She questions why a person would be defined by a moment in time when someone takes his or her life - why this moment would weigh more than all others. A mix of journal entries and prose shows the road from pain to light - and there is light.

Like many who suffer from the death of a loved one, Judy was told to stop talking about it, "get on with your life", "you're bringing others down". I hear this again and again from people who come to the bereavement groups I facilitate. Silence prevents healing - suicide is whispered she says, and "never quite shouted, as it should be, to the rooftops." She refused to stay silent, or to accept shame that would have been isolating. Instead she chose to express her pain. Talking is healing, and grief is the acceptance of that loss.

Judy gives a clear message: there is only one way to heal - right through the pain. She found sobriety, and refused medication for her grief - grief is not a disease, "I wanted to feel everything, the pain and the depression, the hurt, even the rage." And she allowed herself to feel, "let it role over me and around me, let it boil up and claim me, let it wrench the tears out of my eyes and let it roll into rage." Her complex emotions find voice and grace through words.

Going through mourning can feel insane, and no one needs to do it alone. There's "power in the intimacy that comes with sharing secrets", and is in itself healing. A network of caring people and support groups helped her move through. There are support groups - there are caring people to travel with us. Hospice is a starting place to find such a group. By speaking her suffering, and courage to be vulnerable, Judy Collins charts a path for others to follow. A god has given us a voice to speak our pain - let us use it.

I sing my highest praise.

Just this week in Joyce, Washington, a 12-year old boy--popular and happy by all accounts--took a rifle into his classroom and shot himself in the chest in front of his teacher and 18 classmates. Last month, a 12-year old in Seattle tossed herself off a freeway overpass. Judy Collins is a singer, songwriter, author, and actress, with many years of recovery from alcoholism. Depression, the "dog on the leash" often attached to alcoholism and addiction, plagued her since childhood. Her first husband's father killed himself. Nobody talked about it. Years later, at 33, Ms. Collin's son, after a period of sobriety, relapsed and then killed himself, narrating his own death on audiotape. Suicide is like child abuse, cancer, domestic violence, addiction: the attitude of many is "it's time to move on. Get over it." What Ms. Collins knows and tells eloquently in this book, which also features an excellent reference list of other books on suicide,is that those left behind never get over it. She postulates, instead, that suicide must be talked about. The writing in the book is a combination of songs, poems, journal entries, interviews with other writers on suicide, and anecdotes about Ms. Collin's own life. The writing is sometimes uneven, with breathtaking imagery juxtaposed with cliche or platitude, though I of course enjoy platitudes that come from 12-Step programs because I know what life-savers they are--and this is how Ms. Collins uses them. I "grew up" to the sound of Judy Collins'songs; when she appeared nearby in a concert nearly a decade ago, she never mentioned that her tour was part of her own therapy for her terrible sense of loss and hopelessness from her son's suicide. This singing and her writing lend hope.

I didn't experience suicide of a loved one, but did experience the murder of my mother by a psychotic patient who came for treatment where she worked as a social worker, over 40 years ago when I was 9. There are many differences, but also commonalities in suicide, murder, and all sudden, violent death where there is no opportunity to say goodbye. And the major truth is this: you never "get over it." You can go on, and even laugh again and love again and experience great joy again, but part of your heart is permanently ripped out, and you feel it forever, and you never "get over it." The challenge, for survivors, is to try to create a loving, full life in spite of it. This is a key message of Ms. Collins' book.

I purchased this book while in Boulder CO because Judy Collins, one of my favorite artists, was doing a talk and signing at the bookstore that night. Her book is an amazing memoir of life before and after her son completed suicide. She manages to put his life into context by sharing her background. I was mesmerized as I read, and I continue to be impressed by her strength and ability to put her life on display and speak out on so many issues that we as a society would prefer to ignore. The beauty of Judy Collins' singing voice is echoed in her written words. Reading her book is like having a private concert in your home.

A moving account of how many lives are touched by a single moments mistake.

I have a thing for Judy Collins: I love her voice and her music, and I've read four of her books--two prior volumes of memoirs, and her mediocre novel which I also liked. Her son took his own life in 1992 at age 33. One of the things she is trying to do with this book is to break through what she says is a taboo of talking about suicide. She writes that a few decades ago the word "cancer" was also taboo--something only whispered about, and society has progressed since then. She hopes to do the same for her topic, so that people can study and discuss causes and prevention. She approaches her own study of the subject diligently, collecting books and starting a correspondence with Edwin Shneidman, founder of the American Association of Suicidology. I would have liked reading more about her relationship with her son--in this and her other books the reader has a sense of Collins' relationship with each of her parents (her manic father who was a performer, and her mother who reached out to her grown daughter to repair their rift, and, over lunch that day, became a friend--a beautifully written episode in the book) but her son Clark, who was her only child, remains a bit of a cipher.

"Sanity and Grace" was the first book dealing with suicide that I read after losing my own son to suicide. This was a perfect "first" because Judy shares her relationship with her son with dignity and grace. Thank you for being gentle with us Ms. Collins.

Quite insightful and revealing, Ms. Collins is quite candid with her feelings about her son's suicide. Comforting to us in the loss of my wife's son.

As the mother of a son who ended his life in August (2003), I have been reading all I can about suicide, trying to understand my son's action. Judy Collins' book is a real blessing! While it contains much good factual information about suicide, it works best as a personal witness to the roller coaster of emotions that suicide imposes upon survivors. It is also immensely valuable for its insights into the mind of someone who battles depression ... something Collins has dealt with most her life.

Collins writes beautifully. I found myself reading some passages over and over, highlighting them with a marker, so I can re-read Judy's words when I get down and need an emotional boost.

Collins' work is deeply moving and, like her songs, often brought me to tears. Judy's words simply ring true. I could connect to so much of what she writes. I often found myself nodding and saying outloud, "yes ... that is EXACTLY how it feels!"

This is a MUST HAVE for anyone who is recovering from the suicide of a loved one. My suggestion: read first Carla Fine's "No Time to Say Goodbye," Then Iris Bolton's, "My Son, My Son," and then THIS BOOK by Judy Collins, which is by far the most poetic of the three. Also, I liked Collins' reading list at the back of her book and plan to read some of her selections.

I found all three above mentioned books to be very, very healing to the wounded heart and soul. (ONE MORE SUGGESTION - I bought "An Empty Chair: Living in the Wake of a Sibling's Suicide" by Sara Swan Miller, for my 21-year-old daughter. She said it has helped her immensely ... the book is FOR SIBLINGS of those who commit suicide ... you won't find many others devoted solely to siblings, and our "other" children need such books!!

AND ALSO while already logged onto Amazon .... consider Collins' CD, Wildflower Festival ... The song "Wings of Angels" is about her son's death, and speaks volumes!!! I've played it over and over, crying each time, yet loving the song! I'm sharing it with my SOS group in November! The rest of the CD is also great - Tom Rush is a hoot! Wonderful CD!!!

GOD BLESS you on your journey of grief!!! Just remember: baby steps, time and tears.

Bless you, Judy Collins, for sharing all with us, your fans!