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Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success

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I came upon this book the hard way. I was raised in a family that rarely showed emotion and never talked about feelings. Although my former girlfriend tried several times to get me to talk about my feelings, I refused to do so and told her that was silly.

After she left me, I tried unsuccessfully to win her back. That's when I realized how terrible my communication skills were. I communicated the only way I knew how, which was usually either by attacking or by being defensive. Yet amazingly, until reading "Saying What's Real," I didn't realize this. I just thought I was logical. After all, I could win any argument with her or anyone else.

This book taught me that healthy communication is not about being right or getting people to do what we want. The author, Susan Campbell, makes the case that most communication comes from the (mostly unconscious) intent to control through manipulation, trying to impress others, lying so as not to hurt another's feelings, etc. She says that, conversely, healthy communication is about, "Creating mutually beneficial solutions... and sharing what we feel and think." In other words, healthy communication is about relating, which Campbell says builds intimacy and connection.

Since I wasn't comfortable with talk about relating and sharing, I initially thought the book's advice wasn't useful to men like me. After all, what man on this planet talks about how something made him feel? However, I kept reading and eventually become convinced Campbell is right. It became obvious that had I been able to really communicate and relate to my former partner, things would have turned out differently. She once commented how we often didn't seem to "get" each other. Now I know why.

After finishing the book, I went back and took 21 pages of notes. I plan to review them on a regular basis until I completely break my old patterns and make "real communication" and relating a habit. I'll also read this book with my next girlfriend when the time is right. It may be too late to salvage my old relationship, but I'm going to make sure communication is not a problem the next time around.

It sounds cliche, but it is the truth - Susan Campbell saved our marriage. My husband and I have talked with therapists and read lots of books yet we never were able to get past certain difficulties. Using the simple, honest suggestions in this book and in "Getting Real" (also by Susan Campbell), gave us the vocabulary and tools to begin the journey of getting more connected to each other. We have learned that assumptions about the other persons feelings are very often inaccurate while being present and honest about ourselves and being OPEN to the other is almost magical when practiced by two willing partners. This is a practice....it takes time..."Saying What's Real" is a great start. I suggest reading it out loud together (and get "Getting Real" too).

I highly recommend both of these books.

Having read Susan Campbell's 'Getting Real' (which is one of my top self-help books I recommend to clients) I wondered whether this book could be as good or as insightful. In fact, I think it's even better! Although reading 'Getting Real' kind of paves the way to being open to the shorter, more practical advice she gives in this new book.

Her 7 keys for mindful, present communications are excellent and easy to understand - putting them into practice may take more time, but with practice and persistence they could really make any relationship more meaningful and rewarding. I will be recommending this book to couples in conflict especially - there are some very powerful tips here that I believe could really help any troubled partnership.

this book has changed my communication skills with my fiancé emmensly. More importantly- changing my communication w/ myself. Recommended for everyone and anyone to read. The seven keys are really ways of telling yourself how you feel about what's going on when it's happening.

As the saying goes, it's the simple things that make a difference. In this case, the focus is relationship communication. The seven keys are as follows:
1. Hearing what you say, I feel . . . .
2. I want . . . .
3. I have some feelings to clear . . . .
4. I'm getting triggered about . . . .
5. I appreciate you for . . . .
6. I hear you, and I have a different perspective . . . .
7. I would like to talk about how we're feeling.

You might immediately notice the common theme of using "I" statements to express feelings. These precepts are elementary for good communication, and the author presents them in lucid terms, with engaging, narrative examples. Anyone could benefit from applying these principles, especially those new to the topic of relationship communication.

We may refer to them using different terms, but most of them have them: vulnerabilities, insecurities, sensitivities or hot buttons. Dr. Susan Campbell in Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success calls these bugaboos "triggers."

Put simply "triggers" are those little things people say and do that get under our skin and cause us to react or overreact.

"When you find yourself overreacting," Dr. Campbell writes, "it means that one of your old fears has been triggered such as the fear that you're not loveable or the fear of being controlled."

So what do we do in these situations?

When we're "triggered," we tend to give up control and go on automatic pilot responding the same way we always respond, which is why some couples seem to have the same fight over and over again. By just admitting that you're having a reaction, Dr. Campbell says this helps you see yourself more objectively. By saying "I'm having a reaction..." you communicate to the other person that you are present in the moment.

"If you can name your buttons, they are less likely to have power over you," writes Dr. Campbell who suggests that we write down instances in our past relationships when our buttons have been pushed and try to discover the origin of these triggers from scary or disappointing events from childhood that may have instilled the fear or anxiety.

Then Dr. Campbell says we should write alternative ways we might have reacted had we been more aware.

Finally Dr. Campbell suggests that we write down any actions we've taken to get back at someone for pushing one of our buttons.

"The ideal partner is not someone who never has unconscious reactions," she writes. "It's someone who can take responsibility for her own reactions without blaming you."

I read this after her first book "Getting Real." For couples who find themselves in communication impasses and when they continually fight the same fight, eventually they get disappointed (and angry) at one another pretty quick. This book breaks down how we say things with hidden agendas, how we often read other messages into what someone has said to us, and a whole host of other communication traps. If you've ever been in a long term relationship, words (and resentments) do sometime get in the way. In addition for those who withhold or have fear of speaking up, or who don't quite know how to put it in words, Dr. Campbell gives you "word stems" to help you fill out the blanks. It may sound a little automatic, but after witnessing how it's used at one of her "Honesty Salons" I was very impressed. People really tune into to what they're really feeling and they are very careful articulating so as to be as clear a possible to the receiving party. It's fosters being humane, appreciative and compassionate to others. You will see the effects of what clear, positive, empathetic communication can bring to even the most difficult relationship conflicts.

Reading a book is never going to make your relationship better; only you and your partner(s) can do that. So if you are looking for a book to solve your problems, just stop right now. However, if you are looking for suggestions about what you can do to help your relationship develop better communication, then Susan Campbell's "Saying What's Real" claims to offer such advice.

In the introduction, Campbell discusses what she believes are the barriers to good communication: First, being raised to devalue ourselves and/or others, and second, the defensive response to that, which involves controlling others and the situation. I think these are good observations. She briefly discusses nine benefits you may develop using her seven key phrases to begin and promote good communication. However, I was hoping for an introduction to the author in terms of her authority or background on the issue. She is a therapist, but what type, where was she educated, and what other sources did she use other than observation of her clients for 35 years?

After the introduction, the next seven chapters all focus on one of the key phrases Campbell has used and urges her clients to use to help them communicate more honestly. Repeatedly she emphasizes that using these keys will require practice, suggesting that getting a "coach" or professional help can be useful for that. She offers several snippets of how people she's known have used these keys and the effects they've had on their lives. All these effects are positive, and that makes me a bit suspicious. Where are the failures, and why did it fail? We learn not only from our own mistakes but also from those of others.

Most of the time Campbell refers to her own clients, but from time to time she makes a general psychological claim. I doubt she is the first person to develop those claims, so I expect some citations of where those generalizations come from. Yes, there is a list of resources at the end of the book, but no bibliography listing what other research she is drawing upon. I know that for a general self-help book this may seem silly, but I never think that respecting other people's work and citing it is silly; in fact, not doing so can get one into legal and professional trouble. One can write a nicely flowing book for the layperson and still be academically sound in citation by using endnotes or footnotes.

I think these seven openers for communication can be useful, though given the fairly mundane examples of how they are used it will not be easy for those with more complex problems such as survivors of childhood abuse. The more traumatic the past that created your defense mechanism, the more you will need professional help. Campbell repeatedly says that you will need help to practice these skills, but I wish she had spent time on the rather large number of people whose pasts go beyond the routine denial of emotions found in most families.

For those people whose backgrounds are that routine sort, I think these keys are most useful. However, I would add that one person cannot make things work; you need everyone aboard with the program. Again, Campbell does not spend time on that reality, suggesting instead that once one person is using the phrases, the other will pick it up. I don't think that is necessarily the case, and if you are with someone who is unwilling to change or develop empathy, you will need professional help and potentially the ability to do what is best for you. Reading this book can be a good first step, but you'll need to do more than simply read it or attempt to use the phrases on your own for a while.

Getting Real, Saying What's Real, and Truth in Dating are three of Susan Campbell's books that I have been reading and rereading recently. These books are making a difference in my life.

Keeping relationships alive and living life fully - this is what Susan's books address.

She has a lifetime of experience working as a therapist, author, coach, and consultant. Based on this experience, she has developed a set of simple principles and tools that we can apply every day of our lives.

I find her ideas very helpful in looking at past relationships - what went right and what went wrong. I feel much more optimistic about creating a solid relationship in the future.

Susan is an excellent writer (and teacher). I recently attended a workshop that Susan lead. I found her to be unpretentious and personable, as well as a good teacher.

I highly recommend her to you.

To learn to be open and honest can change your life and your relationships. It has been an eye-opener for me.