Customer Reviews

ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

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Before I had children, I spoke in soft, lilting tones, rarely raising my voice above a lady-like whisper. The moment my children arrived on the scene, however, I witnessed how my vocal chords were suddenly in top form. It was alarming, really. Where did I gain my two-octave ability?

By yelling at my kids.

I swallowed hard. Yell? Scream? Pitch a fit? I'd done it like the best of them.

It is not comfortable to admit this to you, nor is it an unnatural tendency to want to be louder than they are. But, I realized I was not often modeling my best behavior. Nor was I truly getting what I wanted: self-directed children who are motivated by their own moral principles. I was getting deer-in-the-headlights glances and scurrying feet who did my will, but not for long.

Hal Edward Runkel, a family therapist from Atlanta, Georgia, provides a fabulous insight into how we can literally live screamfree. He doesn'T suggest we change our personalities. He does recommend morphing our anxious reactivity into more empowering means of communicating with our loved ones.

Hal's approach is so down-to-earth that you'll find yourself slapping your own head with a "Why didn't I think of that?" The book rests on three basic principles.

Parenting is about the parent, not the kids.

Calm down.

Grow up.

While these may seem oversimplistic, the premise is quite revolutionary. We've got Generation Y running about the office, expecting a large congratulations for actually showing up on time to work. Our kid-centric model of parenting has failed miserably. Humans raising other humans is challenging at best. If you don't care for your own reactions (the only ones you can control), how can you care for anyone else?

Another heartening suggestion - stop trying to control something you cannot. The only thing you can control is your reaction to things. Anxious reactivity informs a lot of our parenting. Give it up. Your children are not responsible for making you happy, but for finding their way in the world. They can't do that if they have to worry about you going ballistic, too.

Hal's hardest pill to swallow might be that we are the ones standing in the way of a powerful relationship with our kids. I'm guilty of it. You might be, too.

Halfway through the book, I decided to test out his theory. It's one thing to grin, nod and giggle from the comfort of your own post-kid-bedtime bed. It's an entirely other thing to actually put it to use.

I ordered a family-size vegetarian pizza for everyone. My daughter loves cheese pizza, but enjoys a dubious relationship to anything green. When it arrived, she wagged her tongue about like a canine happy to see his master. We opened the box, and her face fell like a soufflé at a children's birthday party.

"It's not cheese."

I suggested she pick off what she doesn't like, which she did, leaving her with a bare pizza. She cried, kicked the table and had a juicy tantrum, while I kept eating my pizza. I continued eating while she spewed out things such as "You're a terrible mother! You don't care if I starve!" and other thespian lines. I waited until she had finished, then quietly suggested we put parmasean cheese on it and place it back into the oven to melt.

Then a miracle happened.

She actually stopped crying.

"Okay," I heard her say. Containing my jaw in its socket, I did just that. She later scraped off the cheese, but ate the entire thing without complaint. My quiet, single octave voice created a calm she had not expected.

I tried it again with my son, who often vies to be heard by speaking louder and louder. I got quieter and quieter, asking him politely to tell me what he needed in a way I could hear him. He then agreed to brush his teeth on his own, discarding any struggle whatsoever.

My singing voice might suffer from this new screamfree practice, but my relationships certainly will not. Besides, who needs to replace the late Pavarotti? I'll leave that to the Italians to decide.

Christine Louise Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff and Sahm I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe, lives in a screamfree house near Munich, Germany, with her husband and two children.

Author Hal Runkel has hit upon an imaginative way to teach parenting: by stressing the need for parents to remain emotionally composed and self-controlled. If only all parents would see this light!

Hal Runkel is a marriage and family therapist with a particular interest in raising well-behaved children. Yet instead of focusing on how to achieve behavioral control of the kids, this book attempts to change the behavior of the adults in the household.

Every kid wants a "cool" parent, Runkel advises, yet the kind of "cool" that helps most is the kind that means calm, collected, and in control of his or her emotions.

Using witty chapter titles and insightful anecdotes (you'll enjoy the discussion about `judo parenting') Runkel essentially advises you as a parent to say what you mean-calmly-and mean what you say. He devotes a couple of chapters to the danger of threatening dire consequences without backing them up with actions, and the value of such consequences when they're actually imposed-by a calm parent.

What's new here is the packaging, not the theory, but Runkel's terms and descriptions are witty and fresh. Parents of young children or parents who feel like their children are `out of control' may especially enjoy this book.

NOTE: Together with wife Lisa, Dr. David Frisbie serves as executive director of The Center for Marriage & Family Studies in Del Mar, California. They have authored numerous articles and eight books about family life,including "Raising Great Kids On Your Own," and "Happily Remarried."

Armchair Interviews says: Solid, mainstream parenting advice, presented with a fresh twist.

Screamfree Parentening is one of the best books I've read on Parenting, it's easy to read and has very applicable. I have recommended this book to all my friends and family members. If you are looking for a "Raising Kids" manual, this is it!!

This is a great book for the parent or parents who want to have a better relationship with their children. It made me realize how harsh I was treating my 11 yo son (who thinks he's 16) and gave me tools to deal with him in a more calm way. highly recommend it

Great book for couples with young kids! Great examples and scenarios to use while raising good kids! I highly recommend it!

This review is primarily for those who may be a bit skeptical about the 'Scream Free Approach' to raising your children. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter. I think that the way society looks back at violence in history in shock and disgust is the same way we will eventually look at human beings being 'forceful' with their children. Our generation has advanced in technology further than anyone could have ever imagined 30 or 40 years ago. Now is the time for us to develope and grow as individuals. If what you seek is self empowerment, growth, and positive relationships with your children, then this book is definitely for you. I'm not saying it's perfectly Scream Free 100% of the time in my house but everyday we get better and better. And my relationship with my 'tweenager' has most certainly benefited from this approach. For those who believe that remaining calm is NOT the way to go... you have deeper issues than you think. Good luck to all!!!

This book is a good, no nonsense approach to managing discipline in your house. Once you understand the key point, "Take care of yourself so others don't have to." it all makes sense.

Make no mistake. This author will not tell you how to raise your kids. The guidance is very round-the-block. Not one of the most enlightening books. Maybe because we don't scream that much!