Customer Reviews

The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups

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I've been to countless seminars and read probably dozens of books on small group ministry. For the past couple of decades, we have consistently heard that the right small group programs will grow our church, create fully-devoted Christ-followers, ease the burden on pastors, return us to New Testament Christianity, etc. I've spoken loudly to that effect myself.

Yet as I have tried to implement them, I've found that either it doesn't work as well as advertised or there must be something wrong with me. Sure, there have been many people helped through small groups, but the small groups have also been accompanied by frustrations. Balancing fellowship-vs-study/accountability is always difficult; many people just aren't ready for that level of intimacy and accountability; and it usually isn't the ideal next-step for newcomers. On the other hand, the relationships built there are often very important to people. But now there's a fresh answer to help make some sense of it all.

Joseph Myers' "The Search to Belong" is a timely and refreshing look at what community really is. He explodes some of the myths of belonging that we have often believed. He helps us see, through research and experience, the four different "spaces" of belonging--public, social, personal, and intimate. What's more, he helps us see the value of each space, how relationships are carried on in each space, and how to balance them. Bottom line, people can feel a substantial level of belonging to a church on many different levels. Understanding people's genuine community needs, and working with it and affirming it will get us a lot farther than trying to fit everyone into the "intimacy" mold.

Myers has an inspiring chapter on "Searching for a Front Porch" in which he challenges us to find ways to interact with others in the in-between land of social, neighborly friendships--not "out there" in the public world, but also not "in here" in my private home. The book is probably worth it just for that chapter.

Not only are the principles in "The Search to Belong" applicable to church leadership, but understanding the four spaces of belonging goes a long way toward understanding our other relationships--in our marriage and family, neighborhood, work, etc. Good stuff; worth the read.

For several years my library has been littered with books describing how small group ministries are the salvation of the church. Any number of authors use anecdotal and biblical evidence to suggest that inimate small groupings are the ideal for the church, and that churches who want to survive and grow need to spend all their energy on small groups.

Joe Myers, on the other hand, brings years of church experience and thorough research on the nature of community to suggest that the small group movement in Christendom might not be all that it's cracked up to be. With this book, Myers invites questioning on the assumptions of small group ministries, and renergizes other types of ministries as well.

The core of Myer's work is based on the work of Edward T. Hall, who identified four types of social space: public, social, personal, and intimate. Building on Hall's research on the four spaces, Myers suggests that far too much time and energy has been directed on promoting intimate space as the ideal. Rather, churches need to not equate intimacy with significance. Thus, perhaps more efforts need to be directed at appreciating the value of public space, and promoting opportunities for social and personal space.

Focusing on the need for social space, Myers suggests that the loss of the front porch in American society (a primary mediator of social space) has been appropriated and devalued by the church. Myers argues for reclaiming the front porch mentality, which he sees behind the success of Starbucks and other gathering oriented businesses.

However, Myers doesn't only deal with theory. The book is written in a personal, narrative style filled with anecdotes and examples of what Myers is trying to say. His last chapter in particular describes an on-going conversation with a pastor in a local church who uses Myers thoughts as a basis for rethinking the ministries of their church. This chapter offers a practical application of what Myers is trying to say.

My one fear with this book is it's publication as a part of the Emergent/YS line will cause individuals to think that Myers work is limited to ministries in the postmodern setting. Myers book transcends the category of "emerging church," offering great insight for churches of all types, theological backgrounds, and ages.

I don't know how folks from an evangelical, conservative, mega-church background will relate to Myers work. What I do know is that it speaks to this mainline pastor in a medium sized congregation. Myers helps me to regain a sense of balance regarding the types of ministry available in my church. And I believe that his words offer a balance that would be helpful to all.

My family spends a week each year in a quaint old farmhouse with no television. "Quaint" and "TV" don't really fit. I always bring a variety of books just in case one of them ends up being a dud. This year I brought a John Grisham novel (it doesn't matter which one--they're all the same); In Love and War by James and Sybil Stockdale (Jim Collins just mentioned it one too many times); and The Search to Belong by Joseph Myers (which is on Carl George's nightstand).

Joe Myers' book was the first book of the week. I enjoyed his writing style, well, until I actually began to pay attention to what he was saying. Then, it just made me mad. In mid-paragraph I would stop reading to myself and begin to read the book aloud to my wife. "Listen to this guy: Joe Myers says, 'A church of small groups? Sounded like forced relational hell to me'" (page 10).

"Exactly," my wife responded.

"You, you can't say that. I'm the Small Groups Pastor. You can't say that." This was a matter of job security. The last thing I needed was bad P.R. from my co-leader and spouse.

I continued to read much like I watch Christian television or slow to see the wreckage of a car accident. With each page turn I anticipated that this guy would finally hang himself. What exactly was he getting at? What was his agenda? Did he envision the church as some sort of YMCA-like gathering place where belonging overshadowed belief?

The more I read, the more irritated I became. Jesus didn't commission us to go into the world and connect people. Yet, Joe Myers so much as invalidated "fully-devoted followers." What about Acts 2:42?!!

Just as I was about to write Joe off as one more neo- orthodox, emergent guru, something began to resonate in my thinking. Up to this point, I looked at our congregation and saw many disconnected people who needed to be in a small group. But, when we asked our members to take the Purpose-Driven Health Assessment, we were somewhat baffled by the results. You see the people who were in small groups and the people who were not in small groups rated themselves most highly in the same two categories: Worship and Connectedness. I thought, "Boy, we're going to have to re-educate our people on what it means to be connected. These people think they're connected, but they're not even in a small group. They don't even know what Connectedness means."

This book that I loved to hate gave me a key insight: Everyone in our congregation WAS already connected. Maybe not to each other, but they were all connected to somebody: a family, friends, co- workers, neighbors, and other church members. My job changed with one epiphany: I no longer needed to connect the unconnected. I just needed to invited folks to do a 6-week DVD-based Bible study with people they were already connected to. How simple is that?

I'm pleased to say that in our Fall campaign this year, just over 1/3 of our groups were formed exactly this way. Each week a group of friends, co- workers or neighbors are gathering in a home, a break room, even on a train and studying God's Word.

Thank you, Joe Myers for writing the book that I love to hate.

www.futuregroups.net

This book has given meaning and a new understanding to what I experienced in my neighborhood as a child. On summer nights, people lounged the remainder of their day away on their front porches. Others who were taking a walk would stop and linger for conversation. Conversations tended to be light hearted, but sometimes burdens were shared. I loved my neighborhood because I belonged to it. Certain adults knew my name- or at least who I belonged to: "your Bob Klug's son". They talked to me like I mattered and told on me because I mattered. After college I returned to the city. I got to know my neighbors again. When my (parked) car was hit by a drunk driver, three of my neighbors hopped in their cars and chased him. Why did these men take such a risk? I made conversation with them on the side walk, but I did not have a deep or personal relationship with any of them. I think the reason these men were willing to pursue the drunk driver was because we belonged to each other. We knew it could be a dangerous world out there, so we watched out for each other. Through the years, my focus became so small group oriented that somehow I lost the importance of "front porch" communities. This book convincingly makes the case that people have a need to belong in "four spaces": 1) public; 2) social; 3) personal and 4) intimate. At the public and social levels, community "belonging" has fewer expectations and is experienced more easily, but not with as much meaning or spiritual benefit. Though people long for deeper community, many are afraid of it at the same time. We need to give people space, a place where they are comfortable connecting. These large group "spaces" are significant to an effective discipleship strategy when they serve to lead people into "one another" relationships. Jesus had His "Sons of Thunder", twelve, "followers", parties and the multitude. Yet it is clear to me that His focus was on a small group of men... Once people have a sense of belonging to our church, it is more likely that they will walk with us into deeper levels of community. We need to let them taste the sweetness of biblical community. If we keep them connected, with well laid plans and by the power of God we can lead more people to a small group.

(...). . . this book really did help me navigate how people connect in community, he specifically drills into the aspects of community as a public space, a social space, a personal space and as an intimate space. and he points out that each has different strengths and he doesn't suck you into the `intimate space is the best and other spaces are subordinate' logic which was really refreshing!

. . . myers comments helped deconstruct the real nuances of christian community . . . we have all been to more small group seminars, labs, and evening training sessions at church than we care to admit and we have consistently heard that the right small group programs will grow the church, create discipled Christ followers, and return us to nt model of chrn'ity, yet statically the most `successful' small group churches in america only experience about a 30% penetration rate . . . why is that if this is as good as it is promised? we wouldn't have to `advertise and push people into groups they would run to them . . . PEOPLE NATURALLY CRAVE COMMUNITY BUT ON THEIR TERMS NOT OURS . . . the bottom line is that people can feel a substantial level of belonging to a church on many different levels and not be in a small group, he is really on to something in the chapter that talks about the american culture's push off from the "front porch" and the churches need to find neutral ground (like starbucks has) to interact with others in the in-between space of social and neighborly friendships something in between out in public space, but also not in my home because that is often too intimate.
this whole idea of how people belong is talented thought . . . this book quickly became a member of my top 10 favorite books . . . do yourself the favor buy the book!!

I don't know why I read this book. I have always been suspicious of books on intimacy. And this looked like another small group book. Small group books suck. This book is different. Myers helps us navigate how people connect to a community, be it in public space, social space, personal space or intimate space. Each space has different strengths. Myers doesn't say--intimate space is the best and other spaces are subordinate and introductory to it.Rather he holds up each space as valid and available for people to experience real connection to your community. It is nice to hear of someone talk about community without seeing the pyramid which declares the highest expression of community is the small group. There are simply other ways that people really belong.

This is helpful to me, having been a small group member and leader who brought certain expectations to the group (i.e. wanting to move to real group commitment and intamcy) but failed to see how people were enjoying social space and making significant connections without my poking prodding and manipulating them into giving something of themselves they didn't want to give to me or the group. If you understand the space that people want to connect in, you can adjust your approach to make connection meaningful for them without denigrating the way they really want to connect to your church.

Myers vision brings nuances to the concept of Christian community. It is reductionist to simply speak of small groups, or public worship. If people relate in 4 spaces, our responsibility as a church is create an environment which allows people to optimally connect in each of the four spaces. Bloody Brillant stuff.

I've had this book for a year and finally got around to reading it. Myers manages to provide a framework for defining belonging in a way that makes complete and utter sense.

Small groups can be tremendous places for personal growth and the development of relationships - but only with the right people and in the right circumstances. The drive to small group uber-intimacy at any cost in churches has been a tremendously damaging one, and this book helps to explain why. If 100,000 fans at a football game can have a great time and feel connected without knowing a single other soul there, why should that not be the case for church?

Actually, the delineation of the social and personal dimensions is more important for church, as these are the levels most people need and are looking for, but which small group fiends despise the most.

Myers does lose the plot a bit with his "front porch" obsession and his totally inaccurate portrayal of the development of the US car industry post WW2 and its being supplanted by the Japanese. That whole story comes out of left field and is poorly thought out, but I can forgive him that because the book ends very strongly with a very relevant case study.

One last thought - the goal of most church small group ministries is to create (but a better approach would be to facilitate) an intimate relationship with God. But having an intimate relationship with God does not mean that one has to have an intimate relationship with a bunch of other people. Trying to force the latter on people is most likely to hinder the former. That is the point that many small group ministries miss. Myers does a great job of exposing the error.

NUSTSHELL
Myers exposes the unhelpful and unhealthy trend of championing intimacy and close friendship as the (1) end-all,be-all for every relationship and (2) the means for establishing community/belonging, and suggests that a more healthy view of belonging lies in (1) realizing the validity of public and social relationships/belonging, (2) and thereafter seeking harmony between public, social, personal, and intimate belonging. Pu8S4P2I is a succinct and witty rendering (in chemical formula vocabulary) of a healthy, harmonious balance of relationship in the 4 spheres of relational space.


PLAY BY PLAY
ch1 DECONSTRUCTION of common formulas for belonging (ex: time=belonging, committment =belonging, common purpose = belonging, etc...). Formulas discovered to be too simplistic.

ch2 ASKS THE QUESTION "what does it mean to belong" and begins to explore the role of language in asking and answering.

ch3 INTRODUCES Myers appropriation of Edward T. Halls' 4 spaces of human interaction (public, social, personal, and intimate) for belonging. Myers describes (vs defines) belonging in each context with well chosen anecdotes and emphasizes that we connect, we participate, and we find our connecting significant in ALL 4 SPACES.

ch4 explores (1) the COMPETENCIES individuals must possess in order to connect in each space (2) the ROLE of "group leader" in facilitating belonging (3) asks the question HOW DO WE MEASURE BELONGING?

ch5 discusses HOW RELATIONSHIPS MOVE through different spatial realms at different times in life.

ch6 explores the concept of FRONT PORCHES, and begins the conversation of how to facilitate public and social belonging in our day and age.

ch7 is a CASE STUDY on how to integrate the concepts of this book into congregational life.



ASSESSMENT
As Myers states in the intro, this book is part self-help (in the best sense) - in that it provides a framework for individuals to understand what healthy belonging looks like for an individual, and part church-help - in that it provokes good questions for every congregational equipper: Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to belong? How can I aid others in their search to belong? What is the correct language to use in asking and answering these questions?

I found Myers thoughts to be provocative and insightful. For both the church leader and individual alike i would recommend it. For the church leader it raises such questions as Is church membership relevant for today? What does it mean to belong to my church? How doe we communicate that belonging? Is it apostasy to wonder if my relationship with God is not always meant to be personal?

Though I don't agree wholeheartedly with all of Meyers' reflections, I give this book a 5 because its asking the perceptive, provocative questions, and does it in an easy-to-digest format. It is both quick (many stories) and short (154 pages - with many illustrations and low text/page ratio) and best read in conversation with others.

This book asks a lot of great questions with a lot of keen insight and research into why we have the problems we do with small groups. His thesis on levels of belonging is pretty brilliant, and there are other just really helpful cultural insights into how Americans work in their relationships. It does not have answers, models, or solutions, though. For those seriously wanting to rethink what we've done thus far and creatively and innovatively contribute to something more, check this book out.

I've read plenty of books on building community in the church. Most focus on "plug-and-play" programs that promise increased involvement in small groups and yet leave me feeling like a relational engineer (put 7-10 people in a room with a Bible and pray they start to like each other...). Joe's book dives beneath the thin veneer of this approach into the fundamental ways we think about community. His honest (and courageous) critique of current community thinking is essential for anyone wrestling with how we can connect in meaningful ways. His call to go from being programmers to "environmentalists" is both brilliant and refreshing. This is not another strategy book detailing a new program. This is a book about how we think and talk about belonging. And yet, the practical implications of Joe's thoughts will be clear. This book will challenge your assumptions about how the church "does community" and lead you into a more relaxed and enjoyable way of letting community happen naturally. It's an excellent read.