Why?
I don't know why I let my mother talk me into this, Erin thought nervously as she crossed the wide, wrap-around porch at the front of Evangeline's house. Erin reached out a gloved hand for the door knocker, then pulled back quickly when she realized it was a figure of a snake curled back on itself, swallowing its tail. She hesitated briefly, glancing around to see if anyone was watching. I could still leave, she thought. Coward! came the immediate reply. If you want to know, you have to do this. She took a deep breath and, with a trembling hand, reached out again, letting the brass snake fall as she stepped back.
Part of her was excited to see what other oddities lay behind the unusual door, while another part of her just wanted to turn around and run before the door opened, exposing her to whatever was behind it.
Why can't I be like my friend Rachel? Erin thought. Why can't I just believe what she believes? Why do I have to know what lies behind wooden doors with snake door knockers? Why, why, why?
Erin's tension reached such a state that when Evangeline finally opened the door, it was like opening a vacuum. Erin found herself propelled into the old woman's living room. She whirled around to face Evangeline, blurting out her need before she could chicken out.
"I just had to talk to someone, Evangeline, and Mom thought it would be best if I talked to you. I'm so upset and confused, I don't know where to start. You just have to help me, I . . ."
Erin stopped suddenly, aghast. Here she was telling an eighty-year-old woman, a woman of acknowledged wisdom in spiritual matters, what she had to do. Suddenly, all of the fear and hesitation Erin had experienced at Evangeline's front door came back in a rush. She was about to apologize when she noticed that Evangeline was smiling. Erin relaxed enough then to realize that she was actually taller than Evangeline, who had always seemed so huge. And the wisps of gray hair that had escaped from their clasp reminded Erin of her grandmother.
"We'll start with some tea," was Evangeline's response. "Then, when you've caught your breath, you can tell me all about it. Come on in the kitchen while I get things ready."
In the sunny, warm kitchen, Erin felt soothed as she watched Evangeline in the familiar task of tea-making. Soon she had her chilled hands around a steaming mug and was telling Evangeline her troubles.
"We shared in school today about what we did over winter vacation. Rachel talked about Christmas and Jesus, and how it's His birthday, and how special that is because He's God's son. She says He is God's gift to the world, and that's why she and her family exchange gifts, as a reminder of that. And I can see why that makes Christmas so special to her."
Evangeline nodded.
"Then it was my turn. I had been real excited to tell about our celebration of Winter Solstice with the tree and candles, and the gift blanket and all, but once I was talking, I realized that I didn't know why we celebrate solstice. There must be a reason for it all, some point to it, but I don't know what that is."
"You mean, there must be a better reason than 'we've done it before and it's fun.' Some reason bigger than all of us."
Erin nodded, appreciating Evangeline's quick understanding. "What made it even worse was that on the way home, Rachel and I ran into Jonathan. He's an older boy who was held back a year so he's in our class. Anyway, he made fun of me and our solstice celebration all the way home, saying our house would burn down from the candles on the tree, and that my parents should have given me away on the gift blanket. I was really glad Rachel was there. She just kept telling me to ignore him, that he didn't know what he was talking about. But I could tell that she didn't understand about our solstice, either."
"I can see why all that would be so upsetting, since you are already having doubts on your own," said Evangeline. "Now, tell me how I can be of help."
"Well," Erin started slowly, gathering her thoughts, "Mom and I thought you might be the best person to teach me about our celebrations."
"Why can't she or your godmother, Sarah, help you? They both know about these things, too."
"Oh, they do, for sure, but Mom thought you might be more objective than either of them."
"You mean I might be more inclined to let you find your own way, rather than insisting you understand things as I do," Evangeline said thoughtfully.
"Right! Besides, you're a lot older and wiser than Mom and Sarah. You're the one who taught them all they know." After a moment Erin blushed, wondering if she might have offended Evangeline by saying she was so much older.
As if she could read Erin's mind, Evangeline responded, "Oh, don't worry about offending me, child. After all, I am a lot older. Why, I must be twice their age. Now, on to your request. You already know that I celebrate the eight seasonal earth festivals, just like your mother and Sarah. Imbolc is coming up next, so I guess that's where we'd begin. . . ." Evangeline paused.
"Great! So what is Imbolc, what do I do?" Erin asked in a rush, trying to look excited and enthusiastic, while inside she felt as though something was chewing its way through her stomach.
"Wait a minute, slow down," Evangeline said solemnly. "I haven't agreed to do it yet."
Sheepish, Erin blinked into the old woman's steady eyes. "And, you may not want me to help after you hear what my ground rules are."
Erin suddenly felt wary. "Ground rules?" she asked, incredulously.
"Yes, ground rules. You seem to be pretty serious about this. Well, so am I. So, there will be ground rules."
"Like what?"
"Well, you know it takes a full year to celebrate all of our festivals, so the first ground rule is that we both agree to work together for one full year. That means that the final celebration in our year of work will be Winter Solstice of next year. Do you think you can agree to that?" asked Evangeline.
Erin nodded silently, feeling very grown up all of a sudden.
"Good. Now, in return for the guidance I give you, you will need to give something as well. I don't know yet what that will be, and there may be more than one, but such sacrifices tend to fit in with what you will be learning."
Before Erin could speak, Evangeline continued. "Now I don't want you to give me your answer to this ground rule right away. This is not an easy decision to make, so I want you to sleep on it. Tomorrow will be soon enough to tell me what you decide."
With that, Erin found herself being whisked through the house, into her coat, and out the front door, which banged shut behind her.
I guess I don't get to ask any more questions, thought Erin, as she went down the steps. I just have to decide. But how do I decide without much information? I wonder what kind of sacrifices she's talking about anyway? Surely they can't be too hard, since I'm only twelve. Still, it's tough to make a decision without knowing more. Maybe I could ask Sarah to help me. . . .
Erin stood at the end of Evangeline's sidewalk, wondering what to do. In the end, she turned toward home, knowing she had to make this decision on her own.
That night, Erin lay awake in her room for a long time. By bedtime she knew she had already made her decision when she knocked on Evangeline's door; she intended to spend the year learning from the old woman. What kept Erin awake were all of the unknowns: What sacrifices would she have to make? What would she learn? Would she be able to meet all of the challenges that lay ahead? Would she come away with a stronger sense of who she was and how she fit into the world? Would she eventually know her god in the way Rachel knew hers? She finally fell into a fitful and dream-charged sleep.