The Second Family: Dealing with Peer Power, Pop Culture, the Wall of Silence -- and Other Challenges of Raising Today's Teens [Paperback]

Ron Taffel (Author), Melinda Blau (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 11, 2002

<div>If you have a teen or pre-teen, you recognize the phenomenon already-perhaps without even knowing it has a name. "The second family," as uncompromisingly described by renowned therapist Dr. Ron Taffel is the immense collective power of the peer group and pop culture-a force so pervasive, it threatens to, and often succeeds in, overwhelming the first family of adults at home and in school. Derived from thousands of interviews with kids and adults, The Second Family uses real-life, sometimes graphic examples to bare the truth about the world of adolescence today and to illuminate the new set of rules by which kids operate.

The second family can be scary to adults. While many parents bury their heads, insisting "not my child," Taffel reveals that even "good" children:
- Chronically lie without a trace of guilt
- Have sex at astonishingly early ages
- Do drugs and alcohol not to be bad but simply because they are there

Yet there are healthy aspects to the second family that often go unrecognized:
- A secret moral code of peer support that will surprise you
- Boys and girls as best friends
- Boys taking care of friends in emotional need
- Girls becoming powerful group leaders
- A social structure for teens that provides a type of intimacy, support, communication and honesty he or she can't find anywhere else.

It is impossible to understand today's teens or preteens without understanding the Second Family. Taffel opens a window into a closed world of frightening dangers and equally uplifting possibilities.
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In the wake of the massacre at Columbine High School, child and family therapist Taffel and writer Blau (authors of Parenting by Heart) contend that parental anxiety about teen violence is misplaced, when the real danger is that "children are somehow slipping away." Packed with gripping stories drawn from kids he's helped in his private practice and from more than 200 interviews, Taffel's book explains why it is imperative that parents extend "the empathic envelope," or balance empathy and expectations, to reach their kids. The culprit, as Taffel sees it, is not peer pressure per se, but the enticements of what he terms "the second family," or the combined effects of pop culture and peers. For kids on today's so-called Planet Youth, belonging means not imposing one's values, and fun and comfort are paramount. Despite the pervasiveness of teen lying, the allure of sex with many partners and the easy availability of drugs and alcohol starting in the sixth and seventh grades, Taffel holds out hope to struggling parents that it is possible to rein in out-of-control teens. He encourages parents to "listen without judging," and to regard phone time, e-mail and privacy as privileges that can be withdrawn as punishments. In today's fast-paced world, he believes parents shouldn't wait for big red flag issues, like lower grades, before they get to the heart of what's going on with their kids. Taffel's suggestion that parents carve out comfort time, as opposed to quality time, may seem like old-fashioned advice, but his frank quotations of real, R-rated teenage talk prove that he's in tune with the pulse of contemporary, urban teenage culture. Agent, Eileen Cope, Lowenstein and Associates. (Mar.) Forecast: Boosted by a national media tour, Taffel's detailed look at the lives of contemporary teens, combined with his measured advice, makes this a thoughtful complement to recent first-person accounts of parenting difficult adolescents, such as Martha Tod Dudman's Augusta, Gone (see review below) and Adair Lara's Hold Me Close, Let Me Go (Forecasts, Dec. 11, 2000). Displaying these titles together could boost sales of each.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Twenty-five years as a counselor did not prepare Taffel (Nurturing Good Children Now) to deal with this country's latest generation of teenagers. In this eye-opening work, he tracks adolescents' defection from the "first family" (Mom, Dad, and siblings) for the "second family" (the peer group and pop culture). This is not, he argues, an angry or rebellious culture but a comfort-seeking one be it with sex, drugs, recreation, body sculpture, and consumer items. Taffel is at his best explaining why today's teens are so disdainful and disconnected from their families. Using a blend of compassion and consequences, parents need to listen to their teens, to try to understand their wants, and to balance those wants with responsible family behavior. Though open and accepting in tone, Taffel does not endorse rude, amoral, or vulgar behavior. He recognizes where teens have gone wrong but also acknowledges their progress: fewer trends separating the sexes an openness unheard of 20 years ago and a real sense of altruism. This is a probing look into the often misunderstood phenomenon of teen culture, coupled with good answers for uninvolved, oh-let-them-have-what-they-want parents. Highly recommended for social science as well as child-rearing collections. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin; 1st trade paper edition edition (February 11, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312284934
• ISBN-13: 978-0312284930
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.1 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #425,264 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Peers for Positive Encouragement and Parents for Direction, September 4, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family (Hardcover)

Before reviewing this book, you should know that it includes extremely foul language, very explicit descriptions of sex acts, and other material that exceed what you would find in an R rated movie. Dr. Taffel acknowledges this, but feels like it is important to conveying his message. I agree.

Many aspects of this book could be describing when I was a teenager back in the 1960s. Dr. Taffel has a good ear for understanding how teens interact with one another.

Part of the growing up process is to begin to identify more with your friends than with your family, particularly if you are having a lot of conflict with your family. Along with the friends comes the popular teen culture of what is cool. Although the specifics of "cool" will constantly change, it is a way to feel like you fit in. That point connects to Dr. Taffel's more profound point. Teenagers are looking for comfort. This is both physical and emotional comfort.

Many parents fear the teen culture, assuming that behind each pierced body part can be found the core of a drug dealer, a temper, and miscreant. In fact, your teen's friends are probably a lot like your teen in attitude and focus. They may dress and act differently, but they have enough common ground to be comfortable with each other. More importantly, teens place a high reliance on being there for each other, being trustworthy, and keeping their word. In the family, a sense of being wronged can get in the way of behaving in that manner.

The problem today is that busy parents and teens spend little time talking about their reactions to what's happening to and around them. On the other hand, teens talk about it endlessly. The teen influence is going to win, unless the parents recast their attention and focus.

The best part of the book can be found in a series of practical suggestions for helping your teen earn your trust, how to work with your spouse and the school to support your teen, and how to be an effective part of your teen's life by showing genuine interest in your teen and her or his activities and concerns.

My main complaint about the book is that the title is very misleading. Most people will think the book is about step families. The subtitle is also misleading. It suggests that teens are directly concerned with challenging their families. Actually, the families, teens, and school can all work together in very harmonious ways. They often do, even when not coordinating with one another. Two good related books that will help you understand this one are Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! and The Truth Will Set You Free.

After you finish this book, try to remember how your parents misunderstood the influence that your friends had on you. Where might you be making the same mistake now?

Encourage others to learn from experience, without taking on more risk than they can handle!

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars On Target!, April 10, 2001

By 

Donna Sher "dodama" (Texas) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family (Hardcover)

Dr.Taffel has hit the target! His ideas and thoughts on what brings teens to seek *comfort* in the second family is key to understanding the youth of today. Getting on the same turf or level as our kids is the key. If they won't let us in, how can we help when times get tough? Dr.Taffel suggests getting to know your child through the children they are involved most deeply with. Invite them into your home and embrace the parts of your child's life that give him/her pleasure. Once you step into their world, you will find the acceptance and communication that you thought you'd lost.

The Second Family is not about stepfamiles as the title might lead some to believe. The Second Family is about the "family" your child seeks through friendships and associations while searching for the "comfort" he/she may not be finding at home. Instead of fighting and judging your child, read this book and you will agree that Dr.Taffel has found the key to understanding our youth. Who knows, you may even learn something about yourself too!

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Truly Unique and Very Important, April 19, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family (Hardcover)

Taffel seems to have put much of what I have been feeling intuitively about our current culture and our kids into words...and I am truly grateful. This book, along with Daniel Goleman's book on Social Emotional Intelligence and Jane Healy's books, Endangered Minds and Failure to Connect, makes our jobs as parents and teachers in a technological world a bit clearer.

The Second Family gave me "spine" as a parent and has opened avenues for working with schools and other parents to offset so much of what is troubling about some of the "second families" our kids are curious about or are already involved in.