Customer Reviews

The Second Family: Dealing with Peer Power, Pop Culture, the Wall of Silence -- and Other Challenges of Raising Today's Teens

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Before reviewing this book, you should know that it includes extremely foul language, very explicit descriptions of sex acts, and other material that exceed what you would find in an R rated movie. Dr. Taffel acknowledges this, but feels like it is important to conveying his message. I agree.

Many aspects of this book could be describing when I was a teenager back in the 1960s. Dr. Taffel has a good ear for understanding how teens interact with one another.

Part of the growing up process is to begin to identify more with your friends than with your family, particularly if you are having a lot of conflict with your family. Along with the friends comes the popular teen culture of what is cool. Although the specifics of "cool" will constantly change, it is a way to feel like you fit in. That point connects to Dr. Taffel's more profound point. Teenagers are looking for comfort. This is both physical and emotional comfort.

Many parents fear the teen culture, assuming that behind each pierced body part can be found the core of a drug dealer, a temper, and miscreant. In fact, your teen's friends are probably a lot like your teen in attitude and focus. They may dress and act differently, but they have enough common ground to be comfortable with each other. More importantly, teens place a high reliance on being there for each other, being trustworthy, and keeping their word. In the family, a sense of being wronged can get in the way of behaving in that manner.

The problem today is that busy parents and teens spend little time talking about their reactions to what's happening to and around them. On the other hand, teens talk about it endlessly. The teen influence is going to win, unless the parents recast their attention and focus.

The best part of the book can be found in a series of practical suggestions for helping your teen earn your trust, how to work with your spouse and the school to support your teen, and how to be an effective part of your teen's life by showing genuine interest in your teen and her or his activities and concerns.

My main complaint about the book is that the title is very misleading. Most people will think the book is about step families. The subtitle is also misleading. It suggests that teens are directly concerned with challenging their families. Actually, the families, teens, and school can all work together in very harmonious ways. They often do, even when not coordinating with one another. Two good related books that will help you understand this one are Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! and The Truth Will Set You Free.

After you finish this book, try to remember how your parents misunderstood the influence that your friends had on you. Where might you be making the same mistake now?

Encourage others to learn from experience, without taking on more risk than they can handle!

Dr.Taffel has hit the target! His ideas and thoughts on what brings teens to seek *comfort* in the second family is key to understanding the youth of today. Getting on the same turf or level as our kids is the key. If they won't let us in, how can we help when times get tough? Dr.Taffel suggests getting to know your child through the children they are involved most deeply with. Invite them into your home and embrace the parts of your child's life that give him/her pleasure. Once you step into their world, you will find the acceptance and communication that you thought you'd lost.

The Second Family is not about stepfamiles as the title might lead some to believe. The Second Family is about the "family" your child seeks through friendships and associations while searching for the "comfort" he/she may not be finding at home. Instead of fighting and judging your child, read this book and you will agree that Dr.Taffel has found the key to understanding our youth. Who knows, you may even learn something about yourself too!

Taffel seems to have put much of what I have been feeling intuitively about our current culture and our kids into words...and I am truly grateful. This book, along with Daniel Goleman's book on Social Emotional Intelligence and Jane Healy's books, Endangered Minds and Failure to Connect, makes our jobs as parents and teachers in a technological world a bit clearer.

The Second Family gave me "spine" as a parent and has opened avenues for working with schools and other parents to offset so much of what is troubling about some of the "second families" our kids are curious about or are already involved in.

I am a psychologist that works with teens and their families. This is an important book for therapists and families alike. Dr. Taffel explains the "second family" world of the teen. Both the negative as well as the positive aspects of this world. Dr.Taffel gives practical suggestions on how to work with the second family in order to maintain some healthy connection between the teen and the "first family".

Dr. Taffel and Melinda Blau offer realistic scenarios and situations today's teens are encountering. Counselors, parents, educators, and any others associating with youth will be enlightened (and perhaps concerned) by what the authors so candidly offer. It can be a tough world for our young people -- here are some ideas as to how to reach your teen and perhaps make a start at understanding their world. This book is a must-read for people who work with pre-teens and adolescents.

I'm of two minds about Dr.Taffel's work. It was published in 2001 and made one glaring conclusion towards the beginning of the book that was absolutely wrong and made me skeptical of the author's bonafides. Columbine was not the result of cultural pressures, but because Eric Harris was an actual sociopath. (I highly recommend the outstanding book, "Columbine" by Dave Cullen.) Also, his assertion that peer pressure is not prevalent in schools today is just plain horse hockey. My sons, who are 12 and 11, and their classmates ALL buckle, to some degree, under peer pressure. They may deny it but it's certainly apparent in the way they dress, the music they listen, different cliques etc. I don't know what planet the doctor lives on but, in Maine, live-and-let-live isn't the major paradigm.

I do agree with some of his observations. The kids are exposed to a tidal wave of "adult" material and information which is unavoidable. Also, it isn't exactly groundbreaking news that kids have many different faces depending on what social group they are interacting with. Heck, adults also do this. Dr. Taffel believes parents are either too permissive or detached from their kids. Yet, another popular parenting book currently making the rounds (2011) argues that parents are TOO nuturing. One family therapist says this. Another therapist says that. What's a parent to do? Dr. Taffel does have some helpful tips, but please don't take everything the author says as gospel. The book is easy to read. You won't need to be reaching for any dictionary that's for sure.

Another sure winner from Dr. Taffel who always seems to hit the mark.I recommend this to many of the families with teens who I seen in counseling as it offers a real-life look into their world. Absolutely one of the best in his field.