Customer Reviews

Secret Ceremonies: Diary of a Mormon

5 star:		(36)
4 star:		(23)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(11)
1 star:		(33)

 

 

I would imagine that like me, many LDS women and men have felt prohibited from talking (and even thinking) about how the temple rituals differ so profoundly from the rest of the LDS experience. My own less-than-positive reactions to the temple ceremonies were validated by reading Deborah's book. If the book (and Laake's excommunication) can encourage people to take a hard look at how the temple experience really affects them, then I think it has served a valuable purpose. But the believing LDS reader must be willing to take the leap of faith that it's worth it to read something that will make them feel uncomfortable and has a slightly smarmy, tabloid-style feel to it.

I connected on the temple stories. I would encourage anyone who is thinking about attending the temple to read her book, to realize that it's a subjective response to the temple, but also to understand that at least two people (and probably countless others, considering the book's success) did not find what we hoped for. She got ex-ed for writing about it, but you might want to take advantage of the "advanced preview" she has provided for you.

Even though I couldn't relate to much of Laake's biography, I was willing to accept her version of the facts. I wish she had explained her mental health issues better, because I think she left herself open to criticism that her experiences within the church were blown out of proportion. I connected when she described the odd preoccupation with sex that creates feelings of guilt and pleasure in the LDS person. Some people will feel she provided too much autobiographical information on sex, and I suspect that the people who wrote the negative reviews found this to be one of the big reasons they found her book offensive.

As I read the reviews here, it is astonishing to me is to see that some LDS critics of the book say that they didn't relate to her stories -- and what's more, *no active Mormon would*. How do they know what all active Mormons feel? Don't they see what a little cubbyhole they are trying to put Mormons in? Don't they see how their comment only validates Deborah's experience of feeling like she was a traitor for daring to question her beliefs? They feel better inside for denouncing the unfaithful author, but they unknowingly hurt their own cause with their closed-mindedness.

I agree with the comment that this is more of a biography than a non-fiction book on Mormonism. I also agree with the criticism that some stories have too much information, while others have so little info that I wasn't sure how they fit in. It is necessary to add the disclaimer that men also wear the temple garment and have the opportunity to doubt the inspired nature of the endowment, just like the women can. Doubts about the temple experience can arise just as strongly within the mind of an intellectual and/or feminist male.

Also, the book is a very fast read. I finished in one sitting.

If any Mormon tries to deny what Deborah Laake wrote about that goes on in the Mormon church, than they are LYING. Any person who has been through the temple and been a Mormon can tell you the exact same thing. Yes, the Mormon church used to require its patrons to take blood oaths by demonstrating their throats being slit, their hearts being cut out, and their bowels being spilled from their guts. I have to admit I was one of those devout Mormons who very quickly denied it if anyone revealed anything about the church - even if it was completely true! I like most Mormons felt the need to defend the church, and I like most Mormons was deeply embarrassed when someone would ask me about the secret temple ceremonies. And even though I no longer deny it, I know I should not get mad at those who do lie and deny it because I used to do it myself. I understand the position they are in.

I know it's hard on the Mormon church when someone writes a book like this because it messes up their public relations plans to make Mormonism look like just any Christian religion. That is a relatively new strategy that the Mormon church is taking because when I was young it was quite different. The Mormon church used to pride itself on being different than the "so-called Christians" (as BYU religion professor George Pace used to call them almost daily to us students). Ever since the invention of the internet, all the the weird and disturbing history, doctrines, and practices were being exposed and were causing the church to stop growing so rapidly.

I have done about two years of research, and all I can say is it shows how amazing human beings are that anyone can believe in this religion.

How smug of a narcisstic man Joseph Smith would be if he saw the success his scams, treasure digging, and other disgusting practices have created.

I think the thing that amazed me the most though is how very few Mormons even believe in the religion anymore. I went to a very small dominantly Mormon high school and I was recently very pleased to learn that I am far from alone. Indeed, less than half of Mormon "members" even believe in the religion anymore.

Deborah Laake is (or was) a great writer. I couldn't put the book down. She was brutally honest and even exposed herself far more than most people would be willing. May she rest in peace knowing she was braver than most people would ever be.

A few years ago, my mother in-law sent me the hardcover version of "Secret Ceremonies," wanting to know how I, as a former Mormon, felt about it. While I found parts of it "inaccesible," others were certainly resonated with my experiences as a woman in the LDS church.

My husband thought my own stories might be slightly exagerated, until we went to Utah for a wedding and he had difficulty finding a place where he could get a cup of coffee. We finally found a tiny coffee house, reminiscent of a prohibition-era "speak-easy," owned and patronized by the town's few defiant java-loving rebels. He was also amazed as we stood outside the temple, watching couples and families swarm in and out, "like a marriage assembly-line," as he put it.

In my opinion, the LDS "perfection is not only possible in this lifetime, but expected" doctrine, as well as the minute demands on every aspect of one's life, contributes to serious problems for a significant portion of its membership, particularly among those who are perceived as "different" in any way. this includes strong-willed women, who are seen by some LDS men as needing to be "broken".

In spite of these things, I don't generally reguard Mormons as "bad" people. Rather,(again, "in my opinion") many of them are caught up in thier doctrinal and cultural views to such a degree that they are incapable of understanding how insensitive, unreasonable and offensive their behavior can seem to "outsiders."

If you're a "recovering Mormon," you might find "Secret Ceremonies" worth reading, even healing. If you have little or no experience with the LDS church, it could provide an alternate, "unauthorized" glimpse into a very different American culture. If you're a practicing Mormon you'll likely only be upset by this book, so my advice would be to spare yourself the pain and anger.

I read this book in one day. It is a very fast read and quite entertaining. Many of the reviews have been critical of her, saying if you want to find the truth about Mormons you shouldn't read this book. Apparently, they do not realize that that is not what this book is all about. This little book is a freshly honest look at one person's life within her religion. The stories are frightening, uplifting, and very fascinating. The only thing I didn't like, is that a lot of it is about sex. You get tired of that after a while. But overall, this is a great book. If you are a Mormon yourself, I would definitely recommend it (so long as you are prepared for someone to be bold with you.) And for former Mormons, this book is really good because she articulates many of the things we feel. As for thoes investigating Mormonism, this is a good book as far as the sociological and psychological aspects are concerned. For a more complete documentation on the actual doctrines of Mormons, I recommend just doing a little internet research, since it's free and easy to do. But do them both, for heaven's sake! This is a book not to be missed.

"The mind is a dark genius - it can rationalize anything."
-- Denis Waitley

The book "Secret Ceremonies" makes for a fascinating case study - and not just the one that the author was aiming for.

Ms. Laake didn't know that her mental illness would return or that she was developing breast cancer and that she would eventually take her own life (February 6, 2000) when she was putting the finishing touches on this book back in the early 1990's. No, it's not in the book but that's how her story ends. But to fully understand the end one must rewind the tape and view the beginning and middle of the story - and that's where this one gets really interesting because there's a "take away" for everyone in this book.

To this listener (I listened to the audiobook) the overarching, recurring theme in Ms. Laake's story is denial. This is hardly surprising since in order to survive in a cult one must remain in a constant state of denial.

Specifically, one must deny your core values, beliefs, feelings and perception in favor of the new reality provided by the binding system. The psychological term for this is "snapping". The refusal (or reluctance) to "snap" will not enable you to fully participate in, let alone succeed in the group. Based on the mountain of testimonies from ex-Mormons it's clear that this "double bind snap" is the order of the day in the LDS Church. (For a full dissertation on this read "The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism" by Marion Stricker)

Never-the-less, it's fascinating to see how denial was so internalized that it dominated Ms. Laake's thinking long after she was out of the church. As Terry Greene Sterling, a former colleague at the Phoenix Times put it, "Laake liked to think of herself as a brutally honest journalist, and she was, except when she wrote about herself." she goes on to explain, " . . . shortly after her suicide, I realized she had blamed Mormonism and the men in her life for her mental illness, for the terrible dark spells that followed the giddy manic highs." And there lays the platinum "take away" of this intriguing book - how Deborah Laake systematically denies any responsibility for her behavior and the damaged life that resulted from it.

For example, Terry Greene Sterling goes on to document how, "She wept that Mormon leaders would not allow her to eulogize her mother during an upcoming church funeral, wouldn't even let her sit in the front of the church with the family. Of course, she should have expected such a reaction after ripping into the Mormon church in 'Secret Ceremonies,' but she couldn't recognize the ugly logic . . . "

Another example is how she was so expert at choosing romantic pursuits that were dysfunctional to point of being destructive. The data provided in the book would indicate that she had a pattern of impulsively first romanticizing and later villanizing the men in her life. Her courtships are counted here in months as are her marriages and affairs. Yet Ms. Laake never seems to consider the possibility that she didn't let enough time elapse to really get to know her love interests before she made serious, life impacting physical and romantic commitments to them. It never seems to occur to her that she was only positively emotionally invested in the relationship until a major commitment -- such as marriage or living together -- was made.

In other words, she never got to know the "real" person behind the "dream lover" before she gave herself up. Then as soon as the real person emerged suddenly, other new, idealized relationships seemed far more interesting. (If the discerning reader is wondering if Ms. Laake was exhibiting the classic symptoms of a romance addict you're not alone)

In a similar vein, Ms. Laake employs a mocking tone toward the Mormon/LDS Church but there's no indication in the book that she any pursued other, more mainstream belief systems or philosophies. She never attempted to figure out why the LDS Church is defined as a "cult" rather than a "denomination" or "sect". Frankly, I didn't sense any real spiritual hunger in Ms. Laake, just a general disdain for authority figures in general, male authority figures in particular under girded by an emotive attention seeking personality.

This is reflected in how the devout (both genders) and the leaders in the book (overwhelmingly male) come off as naive idiots that she is somehow smarter and superior to despite her lack of practical and theological education as well as her limited life experience relative to theirs. This is classic narcissistic, ego-driven grandiosity that this reviewer found trying -- it's amusing when it's coming from an ignorant, inexperienced adolescent but grating coming from a 40-something adult.

As if to put a spotlight on this type of "baby with the bath water" thinking, in her summation Ms. Laake rejects any form of systematic theology labeling it "God as defined by controllers" as if only HER experience and understanding of God is legitimate and she is immune from controlling, manipulative behavior due to her "victim" role - which ironically is the historic "career path" for emerging cult leaders. (see Walter Martin's classic "The Kingdom of the Cults" for a full exposition)

So in the end the big, troubling question that this book raises isn't, "Is the Mormon/LDS Church a wacky, controlling, potentially dangerous cult?" there are any number of fine books that have answered that in detail to the affirmative.

Rather the better question is, "Was Deborah Laake's mental illness a result of being traumatized by the Mormon/LDS Church or by other factors?" This, I believe, is the better question because it elevates this intriguing and riveting book past it's banal particulars to far more valuable universal questions. As another reviewer (in this case an Ex-Mormon man) put it so well,

"I think any Mormon who grew up in the church (especially females) can relate in some way to her story. Most of us haven't ended up in mental institutions, due in part, because of the pressures the church and our LDS families place on us, but it isn't too difficult to see how that could possibly happen. . . . Non-members, as well as former or current LDS members, should find this book to be a very interesting autobiography. "

Or as Elizabeth Browning said so well, "Always learn from experience - preferably someone else's" To me, this book is a marvelous example of where an unexamined, unenlightened, self-absorbed life will lead you. The Mormon/LDS Church in that light simply becomes a minor character in this great and wonderful play called, "Life".

Like I said at the beginning, there's a "take away" for everyone in this fine book and I highly recommend it!

Books that expand on the issues raised in this book and review:
================================================================
The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism

Twisted Scriptures: A Path to Freedom from Abusive Churches

Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships

Boundaries

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.

Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse

Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, The, repack: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church

Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences

Toxic Churches: Restoration from Spiritual Abuse

A fascinating and vividly-told story that shows a side of the Mormon experience that most people don't hear about. I don't know what book some of these other reviewers were reading -- this book is interesting, clearly written and very easy to understand.

Secret Ceremonies has gotten a lot of harsh criticism, mainly because most Mormons prefer not to question their religion or the reasons they practice it (which I might add is stupid and dangerous for ANYONE to do, Mormon or not). The fact that this book is now difficult to find is no coincidental accident -- the Mormon Church has a powerful hold in the media world, and certainly doesn't want you to read it.

The story itself deals with Ms. Laake's coming of age, depression, and difficulty with self-image because of guilt installed by her religious beliefs. Although Deborah's life is not a typical Mormon experience, stories like this one occur more than you think. I think Ms. Laake was very brave to publish her memoir -- knowing that she would be threatened and harassed by people who didn't agree with her viewpoint. What makes the story even more sadly powerful is that Deborah Laake actually commitment suicide a year or two ago.

If you are open-minded and curious about Mormon culture as it was (and still is in some ways), this is an excellent read. If the frank discussion of religion and sex bothers you, you'd be better off going to back to church where you can enjoy your ignorance.

Ms. Laake's book provided some excellent personal information about women's role in the Mormon church. The secrecy, the required submission of women, men who "lord" over their families, the lack of individual freedom and expression...some very startling, eye opening revelations. I have a Mormon friend and have noticed several of these aspects but couldn't completely relate. This book helped me understand the doctrines and attitudes. Ms. Laake deserves kudos for sharing her very personal story with the world. It is very hard to realize that even in this day and age, there are still people who delegate women to second class citizenship and think God exists in secret handshakes and names. If you must hide it from the world then it has nothing to do with God. A very good read. Kept my attention throughout.

My Roman Catholic hands bought the hardbound way back in '94 while in college. Deborah's struggle within her home and community caught my interest more than the Church authority misleading its followers to covet. (Nothing new in that dept!) The terrible absurdity going on in a household is much easier to relate, envision, and discuss productively. Her struggle and confusion looks like a very real feminine awakening and spiritual transformation her friends, family, and church could not fathom. I'm sure the community meant well in helping her, but the well-known LDS support system missed her issues by a long shot...probably the only time I laughed while reading this. Good book in my opinion; candid and easy to read. It's the kind of book that disappears after passing it on to friends, thus forcing you to buy another one. Check it out from the library before going out and buying. Readers who take sacred text at face value will probably hate this book.

I really enjoyed this book. I am not Mormon, but live in a Mormon dominated community and this book enlightened me and opened my eyes to their culture. It helped to answer questions and rumors that I have heard about Mormons and it also helped me to understand them more. If you would like to know more about Mormon life and culture, read this book.

as with any other book that sheds an unfavorable light on the mormon church, you get a flock of the faithful coming to defend the faith and throwing out low ratings when they have never read the book. Check out other books for yourself. And you can see the mean-spiritedness of these "saints" in the way they write. They also make many accusations about exmormons being bitter. Well of course they're angry and sometimes bitter. Wouldn't you be also if you were raised in a cult that degrades women and controls every aspect of your life...then you wake up someday and realize that you've been lied to and manipulated and given 10% of your earnings to a "religion" founded by men, ruled by men, and having little to do with God or any real spirituality?