The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions About Secrets: When Keeping Secrets Can Harm You, When Keeping Secrets Can Heal You-And How to Know the Difference [Paperback]

Evan Imber-Black (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 1, 1999

Secrets come in all shapes and sizes. And for families as well as individuals, they are built on a complex web of shifting motives and emotions. But today, when personal revelations are posted on the Internet or sensationalized on afternoon talk shows, we risk losing touch with how important secrets are--how they are used and abused, their power to harm and heal.

In this important work, Evan Imber-Black explores the nature of secrets, helping us understand:

The distinction between healthy privacy and toxic secrecy
What to tell--and not to tell--young children
How to safely confront a family "zone of silence"
Why adolescents need to have some secrets--and where to draw the line
The effect of "official" secrets, like sealed adoption records and medical testing
What to consider before revealing an important secret
And much more

Filled with moving first-person stories, The Secret Life of Families provides perspective on some of today's most sensitive personal and social issues. Giving voice to our deepest fears and to our power to overcome them, this is a book that will be talked about for years to come.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"A must-read book--daring, compassionate, timely, and eminently useful."
--Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Deception

"What a pleasure!...Wise and discerning."
--Donald A. Bloch, M.D., Past President, American Family Therapy Academy

"[A] powerful, groundbreaking book...Brave, compelling, and important."
--Terrence Real, author of I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

From the Inside Flap

Secrets come in all shapes and sizes. And for families as well as individuals, they are built on a complex web of shifting motives and emotions. But today, when personal revelations are posted on the Internet or sensationalized on afternoon talk shows, we risk losing touch with how important secrets are--how they are used and abused, their power to harm and heal.

In this important work, Evan Imber-Black explores the nature of secrets, helping us understand:

The distinction between healthy privacy and toxic secrecy
What to tell--and not to tell--young children
How to safely confront a family "zone of silence"
Why adolescents need to have some secrets--and where to draw the line
The effect of "official" secrets, like sealed adoption records and medical testing
What to consider before revealing an important secret
And much more

Filled with moving first-person stories, The Secret Life of Families provides perspective on some of today's most sensitive personal and social issues. Giving voice to our deepest fears and to our power to overcome them, this is a book that will be talked about for years to come.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Bantam (September 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0553375520
• ISBN-13: 978-0553375527
• Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.8 x 8.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #574,864 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Nice blend of psychology and sociology, February 9, 2007

By 

Auntie Nuke "Auntie Nuke" (Walla Walla, WA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions About Secrets: When Keeping Secrets Can Harm You, When Keeping Secrets Can Heal You-And How to Know the Difference (Paperback)

I adopted this book for a sociology course that I teach on the family. I had never used this before and found it to be a really intelligent and insightful examination of the role of secrets in family dynamics and relationships in general. Although the book is written by a psychologist, as a sociologist, I deeply appreciated the author's ability to identify social, macro-level factors that play an instrumental role in secret making, secret keeping, and revealing secrets. She is mindful of how gender, social class, ethnicity/race, religion, sexual orientation, and historical events and contexts play a part in secrets. I used the book because much of our presentation of our family is impression management--projecting the most positive image for public view. The reality, however, is that families are imperfect, and we harbor lots of secrets to try to mask our imperfections. This book does a beautiful job of unveiling these dynamics, with appropriate specific examples to illustrate. There is something there for everyone to identify with.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Secret Life of Families, February 9, 2007

By 

A. ROOTVIK (Walla Walla, WA United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions About Secrets: When Keeping Secrets Can Harm You, When Keeping Secrets Can Heal You-And How to Know the Difference (Paperback)

This is an excellent book. Evan Imber-Black masterfully intertwines stories, experiences, and insights, allowing the reader to discover the profound power that secrets can hold. The stigmatization of secrets in our society has urged many people to be open in excess, which can be just as harmful as secrecy. This book helps to bring a sense of balance onto the scene.

Imber-Black leads us through the secret keeping and opening process, drawing from her years of experience as a family therapist. She defines different kinds of secrets, writes about what kinds of secrets should be kept and what kinds of secrets should be opened, how and when they should be opened, and to whom. She explains how society shapes its citizens' views and behaviors surrounding secrecy. Perhaps most importantly, she talks about the ways that secrets can affect the lives of those who are holding the secret and also those who are outside of the secret. Individualism may be a prized virtue in our society, but one cannot help but be affected by family secrets and the stories that they hold.

This book is well written and easy to read. There is relatively no technical jargon and the flow of ideas is easy to follow. There is some slight repetition, and expansion upon detail which lend to the length of the book, but I think these serve to broaden the reader's perspective and strengthen the overall message.

I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone who has an interest in understanding life and making steps towards personal growth and healthier relationships.
-E. Rootvik

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The secret life of families, February 6, 2007

By 

Candice Burnette - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions About Secrets: When Keeping Secrets Can Harm You, When Keeping Secrets Can Heal You-And How to Know the Difference (Paperback)

This book is well written, it is unlike other books of its genre because, it is not full of psychological jargon. It also approaches family issues with a great deal for sensitivity for the individual's need. Imber-Black does not take a one size fits all approach to dealing with family secrets. Imber-Black encourages the reader to take time and thing about the events surrounding the secret. I feel that it is this approach that set Imber-Black's book apart for other ideas on how to deal with secrets.
This book is not just for the individual with a history of secrets, it can be helpful to all because, it imparts valuable information on how to deal with all types of family secrets. This book also has a built in series of questions at the end of all the chapters.
C Lee