Customer Reviews

The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do--Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt

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What a liberating book. The author of the book writes about the secret play and games of girls in childhood (and secret aggression) and makes us all feel that what we did wasn't so unusual, wasn't so bad, was ok. As a mother of a daughter, I think I'll think about my own daughter a little differently now, and with a little more acceptance and happiness about her developing sexuality. I think it would be so fun to read this book in a book group and talk about what we all did as children. The book was easy to read and the stories from the adult women looking back were really really interesting, especially the ones in the chapter called "Playing Dead but Feeling Tingly." Great book.

After the many popular books on the psychology of boys that appeared in the 90's, it is good to now see more books on girls. Of the ones that I have read, Sharon Lamb's "The Secret Lives of Girls" achieves the most. Lamb interviewed over 100 women and girls asking them to speak about the "hidden" experiences of their childhoods -- experiences of sexuality and aggression -- and to talk about their feelings (often guilty) about them. The sample of interviewees includes women of diverse backgrounds so Lamb's research provides a good perspective on girls' "secret lives" across contemporary American culture.

The women speak openly and eloquently. Many of them report life-long guilt over what seem to be mild and harmless childhood experiences with sexual play and feelings of anger. If there was ever any doubt, "The Secret Lives of Girls" confirms that a prudish, Victorian view of how girls are supposed to act and feel is firmly in place in American society. (And with current rends toward political conservatism and religious fundamentalism, I fear it may be growing even more widespread.)

It is refreshing to see an academic such as as Sharon Lamb who is also a practicing child psychologist produce a book that is completely readable for anyone interested in the subject, free of academic jargon, yet never "dumbed down" in its approach. Her Introduction, Conclusion and commentaries throughout provide a perceptive discussion of the contents of the interviews that make up the bulk of the book.

The book will be very valuable not only to students of psychology and women's studies, but more importantly to parents, teachers and anyone interested in a look at REAL girls' lives and attitudes.

Dr. Lamb has opened the doors to a secret world, that surely almost every female has entered into at one time or another, during those so-called "latency years." Lamb's vignettes from her many interviews are engaging, enlightening, and most definitely liberating. Acknowledging little girls as sexual beings, even from the start, and exposing sexual play and experimentation as a normal, functional part of female development, helps to unburden feelings of guilt, and to confirm what many women have known or wanted to know on some level, all along.
As a clinical social worker, working with children, I have always believed in the normalcy and universality of sexual play among children, but never had this confirmed so definitively until I read Sharon Lamb's book. In spite of my beliefs, my training has taught me to look for warning signs, to look for the abnormal, to suspect sexual abuse, each and every time a child draws sexual pictures, or plays provocatively or sexually with dolls in my office. Though I still believe I will continue to be cautiously aware, always cognizant of the subtle ways that children reveal the important parts of their world to us, I now feel that I am better able to incorporate this healthy perspective of sexuality into my diagnostic impressions, and in my work with children.
I highly recommend this book to clinicians, to parents of daughters, and to every woman. It is my impression, that almost every female can relate to one story or another that is told here, whether it is the naked Barbies, or stories of their own unique sexual or aggressive feelings or encounters in childhood. I believe that Sharon Lamb offers an enlightening, liberating perspective on female sexuality, and she paves the way for many more stories to be told.

I was really looking forward to reading this book, but was disappointed both by the content and the writing. Much of the book is made up of quotes from the women that Lamb interviewed, and most of the rest of the book seems to be Lamb's own clinical interpretation of these statements. I found her clinical opinions (e.g., something about believing it is ok for girls to shut the door of the bedroom and talk to each other with the lips of their vaginas) annoying and uninformed. In my estimation, the book mentioned, but underplayed the connection between early sexuality and previous or on-going sexual abuse... sure, it may be acceptable for girls to experiment sexually with each other, but it is the job of parents and psychologists to ensure that these behaviors did not stem from abuse. No, we don't want to raise women who are ashamed of their sexuality, but turning our backs on these behaviors is not always prudent, and may even be viewed as neglectful. I would also have found this book more useful if Lamb's findings had been integrated into other published research more often than into her own personal views.

Sharon Lamb has written the book that amazingly has not been written up to now. Why this is so is a separate intriguing question that I answered in my own discomfort as I read Sharon's work: Our culture is still very much locked into artificially imposed views of female sexuality and aggression, and our daughters still pay the price. As an Irish-Catholic dad, I can predict that many parents will be so shocked in the first five minutes of this reading that they will angrily toss SECRET LIVES back on the shelf. If you love your daughter, don't do this. You owe her the truths about herself, truths that we may find hard to accept. Read this, and learn, especially if it makes you uneasy. Love your kid that much.

Read this wonderful book!! The Secret Lives of Girls has such an important message for parents, for society, and for helping professionals: Girls'healthy sexual curiousity starts early. Let's not be scared of girl's sexual curiousity and sexual play, because it forms the bedrock of adult women's ability to experience a feeling of sexual agency and sexual pleasure.

This book is based on interviews with 122 women (aged l8 to 70) and girls (aged 6 to 18) of very diverse ethnic backgrounds. Dr. Lamb is to be commended for her commitment to research which reflects the lives of women from all backgrounds. The narratives are compelling, powerful and enlightening--a marvelous read.

If you are looking for a simplistic, black and white view of sexuality, this book is not for you. The first part of the book, which is about two-thirds of the book, is devoted to stories of girls' secret world of sexual play and desire. The stories were quite detailed, and for me, quite magical. Lamb discovered that there was no age where girls did not have their own wishes for sexual experimentation, no period of latency.

She also discussed sexual abuse, with an important focus on how an experience can be abusive without being harmful and with examples of times where deciding whether an experience was abusive or not was far from a black and white determination.

Her discussion of sexual abuse is brave, and respectful. I disagree with another reviewer, who felt she minimized it.

If you, yourself, feel guilty about some of your childhood sex play, The Secret Lives of Girls will help you accept the normalcy of your experience. This is the most specific --and magical--discussion I have ever read of of healthy sexual experimentation among children. Some examples were unsurprising, like highly sexualized Barbie play. Others, however, were idiosyncratic, like a group game where one girl played dead and was arranged in a provocative position, and then the other children came into the room and talked about how beautiful she looked. This girl experienced the sexual thrill of being an erotic object in a very safe way.

So many girls are punished by their mothers or fathers for expressing sexual curiosity, even if all they want to know is What is a tampax? or What a kiss? Harsh or fearful parental reaction leaves them feeling that having any sexual feelings, thoughts, or questions makes them bad or dirty.

These lucky, normal girls whose stories are reported in The Secret Lives of Girls will grow up and have memories of their own evolving sexuality as an important part of who they are. They experienced themselves as having sexual feelings, sexual urges, sexual dreams.They did not have sexuality thrust upon them, as defined by another --usually male-- person, or by a society that increasingly tells girls that they must look impossibly perfect to be seen as sexual.

I have not read another book I like better on girls' developing sexuality, and I'm a diplomate in sex therapy, an author, and an expert in the development of healthy sexuality (...).

If you are curious about the development of girls into women, if you want to live in a society where women feel free to experience sexual pleasure, if you're a woman who wants to understand her own sexuality better, or if you want to be a better parent, read this book.

Aline P. Zoldbrod Ph.D.
Boston, Massachusetts

Sharon Lambs look into the development of today's modern woman is a fascinating account of the problems that many woman face in today's society. It does not in the same league as Rachel Simmons's ground breaking "Odd Girl Out" but it's a satisfying look into womanhood and the impact that we hold to each other.

Worth a look.

This book emphasizes individual stories, so no generalities can be drawn from it. However, it is so important that adolescent girls are able to accept their sexuality and grow into healthy and empowered young women. Any parent of a girl, pre teen or teenager, can benefit from reading this book and realizing that girls have curiosity and feelings that are important for their caretakers to respect and help discuss them in an emotionally healthy manner. The book helped me understand my long ago teen aged behavior from a different perspective than my family's Victorian ideas about discussing sexuality.

This book is great; it had more than met my expectations. As a grad student going for my art therapy and counseling degree this book has already provided me with a lot of knowledge that has been useful. I would highly suggest it.
I would suggest this book to anyone working with children and adolescents along with anyone in the mental health profession.

My goodness, I don't recall any of this as a young girl. Never played any of the games mentioned. Does not resonate with me in any way whatsoever.