Customer Reviews

The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

This is a book, a marriage manual of sorts by Iris Krasnow, who repeats many times that she both loves and loathes her husband. This is the theme of the writing. It should be reassuring to those who feel a successful marriage never contains these feelings. She is 56 and has been married 23 years.

There is advice from experts, and the author and most of those that are interviewed and the views that marriage is better for all concerned. It is summed up, in many instances, "that you can have an extraordinary life within the framework of an ordinary, even mediocre, marriage." At least one knows in reading this that it is definitely not based on the fairy tale of happily ever after.

Strategies and secrets to keep a marriage going are given and reiterated in the many interviews that are contained in this writing. This can be a revelation to many who read it and a help to many. Some of the interviews can be shocking and eye opening. The basic theme is do not expect your husband to make you happy - it is within yourself.

There is little of the idea that friendship makes for a successful and happy marriage. There seems to be almost no evidence of husbands that help cook and clean... what a saint this rare find must be. It is an idea and solution that is not really brought up. It does seem at times that it rests all upon the woman's shoulders; but that is the concept that is reiterated time and time again that your happiness lies within yourself. It's a good solid idea and this is a book that shows the difference between self-exploration and self-absorption. The warnings are here - of women who now regret and utter that phrase,"if I knew then what I know now".

In total this can be a revelation and a teaching tool for yourself or others who are married or are even aiming in that direction. No matter what, it will make you think and have more of a feeling of what a marriage is and what it takes to keep one going through the years.

This book kept my attention and I read it cover to cover, uninterrupted by other books. I love how the author integrated testimonials of women throughout the entire book. These include marriages in which the woman found male platonic relationships to fill in what the husband couldn't provide; one woman in a sexless marriage who found a lover (and her husband turned a blind eye); an arranged marriage that turned into love--but without all the expectations of romance; an interracial marriage in which the woman was cut off from her father (who never even met his grandchildren!); an elderly woman who makes out with her college boyfriend but never has sex with him; and many, many more. I love how the author doesn't pass moral judgment on these alternative lifestyles.

Throughout the book, we get glimpses into the author's own marriage and its ups and downs. Spoiler alert: Her husband even takes a trip to Israel, which she thinks is a business journey, and surprises her by converting to her religion of Judaism!

There is even a chapter on how women cope with the empty nest syndrome, one on what makes marriage last, and one on elderly women, many of who rediscover sex through vibrators!

I found the advice in this book very inspiring. Bottom line: don't rely on your husband for all your inspiration, excitement, or even finances. It underscores the idea that you have to have your own life and not have the Hollywood expectations of enduring romance, or fairy tale expectations of a prince rescuing you from a dreary life.

In our day of divorce this book brings a timely message: don't leave your man just because he's imperfect (with the exception of abuse) thinking the grass will be greener with a new man, unbruised by a relationship history. She explains that the "seven year itch" is really eight years, and if you can just stick it out, you will have the rewards that come with a long term marriage.

Susan Schenck, author of Beyond Broccoli, Creating a Biologically Balanced Diet When a Vegetarian Diet Doesn't Work

and

The Live Food Factor: The Comprehensive Guide to the Ultimate Diet for Body, Mind, Spirit & Planet

This is a very funny, very true and so real book and you are sure to recognize yourself, and parts of your marriage, in one or more of these actual tales from the front lines. ladies, if you, too, are sort of slogging along in your long marriage, you are comforted (so are lots of other people) and inspired (one of the recurring themes in Krasnow's stories is that those who stick it out come out the other side truly contented and even happy). I recommend this for any wife out there -- or even a husband or two -- who wants to make their love last. It was also much fun to read -- and fast.

I loved the book. I've been married over twenty years, on a happy path, and I found it really helpful and inspiring to read the stories of so many women. The book is honest and it covers a wide range of life stories. Some are sad, some are hopeful and some are inspiring. I enjoyed the mix. I also liked the author's honesty about her own relationship. But, whether the reader has a traditional or non-traditional marriage, secrets or no secrets, there is wisdom in these pages.The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

So, I sit here in tears after finishing Iris Krasnow's latest work... picking through certain pages, reading them over and over... the same thought always creeps into my head when I am finished with one of her books... where was this woman 30 years ago (too young to be writing these wise words, I know), but still, I could have used a friend or a therapist with the voice of Iris Krasnow. I could have used this edgy brand of humor and razor sharp observations... damn, Ms. Krasnow, where were you?

The book is splendid, I'm going to read it again right now......

This book is great at letting you be a fly on a wall in others' marriages. I didn't assume it was written to have all the answers to a lasting marriage. It turned out to be more of a book about the many paths women take to end up with 30+ years of marriage. It pushed me to think about how I ended up married for 20 years and what do I want it to be like in another 20 years. Some of the wives' testimonies I could relate to, some not, and some gave me inspiration for my future. The author never claims there is a right or wrong way to stay married, but instead is sharing what worked for different women. What I appreciated the most is that it challenged my way of thinking about marriage. It affirmed in me what I know is my truth, yet had me realize that some of my expectations might not be what is best for my marriage after all. And surprisingly, the husband enjoyed hearing me tell him about the book as I read it.

The description mentions "bold, sometimes secretive and shocking choices on how to keep their marital vows, "till death do us part," as Krasnow says, "without killing someone first." But "till death do us part" is not the only vow you make. You also swear to forsake all others, in good times and bad, and to "honor" them all your days. It doesn't mention picking and choosing the parts you'd like to keep.

While some advice is not bad -- not expecting someone else to fulfill you, finding outside interests -- this book glorifies and glamorizes extremely selfish and destructive behavior -- the selfish cheaters and liars who, rather than "save the marriage" by cheating, merely keep the charade of a marriage going, presumably for their own financial benefit. Borderline cheating is also not okay, as it violates the part about honoring your spouse, and is conducted with secrecy. If you do anything that you wouldn't want your spouse knowing about, there's a good chance it is wrong. The suggestion of potentially destroying your spouse and your family for 'thrills', to 'find yourself' etc etc is bordering on sociopathic.

This is terrible advice, and this book is full of it. Here's better advice: Stop being selfish and egotistical, learn to both give and receive love, don't be afraid of true intimacy, and make sacrifices for the good of your family. If you aren't ready for that, you are better of single.

And many of the stories read like people who want to have both the comfort and financial stability of marriage to some sucker, and the thrills and ego-boosts of singlehood. This is called having your cake and eating it. Or, being a terrible human being.

This book is a must if you are married. I have only been married for two years and this book has given me much needed insight on the future. It also makes you realize that you can not judge a book by its cover (no pun intended) but dont judge others relationships when you are not walking in their shoes. I love this book and have already told many of my girlfriends that it is a must read.

I liked this book for many reasons. I really enjoy Ms. Krasnow's brutal honesty about her own marriage for starters. She let's us know right from the beginning that hers has been no promenade through a bed of roses. And she does it with good humor - she cracked me up at times! I liked the variety of anecdotes and the fact that the author did not pass judgment on any of the women. She shows us a range of marital experiences -some good, some bad, some lovely, some sad. I felt sorry for a few of the women and admired their fortitude. I don't think I could have stuck around in the marriage where the husband was sleeping with her best friend. No thanks. I'm not that big a person. I am married, but not nearly as long as the author's subjects so it was helpful to see what other people go through (put up with)in their marriages. So thank you Ms. Krasnow for an interesting and delightful book. I have already bought four as gifts and plan to buy pick up a few more for friends of mine who are wondering if they should hang in there.

This book gives me hope that I too can stay married. When you read what others endure and overcome you realize that you are not alone and that this too shall pass. You learn ways from others how to coupe in your situation. I was so excited while reading this book, I bought another one for a relative who is in a stressful marriage.