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Secret Lovers: Affairs Happen . . . How to Cope Paperback – January 27, 1999

5 customer reviews
ISBN-13: 978-0787946418 ISBN-10: 0787946419

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Linquist, San Francisco Bay area psychologist, specializes in counseling "secret lovers" and those whose lives they affect. Here she relates stories of extramarital affairs, discussing how they "happen," offering suggestions for conducting a successful one and advice to the betrayed spouse. She maintains that an extramarital dalliance can improve a marriage, can supply a betrayed spouse the incentive to work at wooing back the straying mate. Alternately, the hurt caused by an affair may give the victim the strength to divorce and to build a new life, with self-confidence gained from enduring the experience. Believers in marital fidelity are likely to be put off by Linquist's admonition to those considering an extramarital affair that they "need to be informed and understand what works best and what doesn't . . . people deserve to have the best experience they can."
Copyright 1989 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"This fascinating book sheds light on a subject kept in the dark too long. Without judging, her research illuminates the patterns, the passions, and the pitfalls." (Bruce Hilton, bioethics columnist, San Francisco Examiner)

". . . Therapists will find this book of value in their professional practice." (Penelope Russianoff, clinical psychologist and author of When Am I Going to Be Happy)

"As one who has given professionals guidance in public affairs-and is well used to 'Inside the Beltway Political Scandal'-it's insightful to dip into Luann Linquist's fascinating work. Don't be misled by a provocative title. Her in-depth accounts should certainly be helpful to thousands. It's akin to overhearing restaurant conversations or, at times, being underneath the psychiatrist's couch. This is a serious work with important implications." (John Jay Daly, APR, Washington, D.C.)

"Dr. Linquist uses a nonjudgmental approach to put secret love affairs in their proper place. This practical guide offers excellent advice to anyone who has had, is having, or wants to have and affair." (Rita Freedman, clinical psychologist and author of Beauty Bound and Bodylove)
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Jossey-Bass (January 27, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0787946419
  • ISBN-13: 978-0787946418
  • Product Dimensions: 6.2 x 0.6 x 9.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 2.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,213,632 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

37 of 48 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on October 4, 2000
Format: Paperback
This book scares me because of the damage it can do to women contemplating or having an affair. It points out a lot of "facts" about affairs and it gives examples of women who have gained a positive experience through affairs. However, it only shows examples of women who claim to have had a good experience with affairs. It doesn't mention the millions of women who have suffered devastating effects of getting involved with married men. It down plays the 'sadness' when an affair ends. This is not mere 'sadness', this is devastation and often the affair is a manifestation of a much larger personal issue within a woman. I beg to differ with the assumptions and suggestions within this book which indicate that a significant number of women don't want the affair to lead to marriage. It cannot be proved, however, I highly doubt that it is common within the female pysche to be very ok with having a deep and connected love affair end. It's like having a part of yourself ripped from you without painkillers. And the women who claim to be ok with having an affair end clearly are detached from themselves in some manner. If a woman wants an affair, give her ALL the facts....and ask her what form of distraction she'll use to alleviate the pain of an affair. Will she drink it away? Shop it away? Find another man to alleviate it? And ask her if she's willing to be part of the decline of a marriage. Because women contemplating having affairs are in a position to satify her desires or push the man back. Perhaps the man rejected will instead work on his marriage. Maybe his marriage is DOOMED and better off done. But, if indeed the marriage ends and whether the affair ends or not, the aftermath is a long hurt for all involved. And people can deny this, but denial doesn't make it not true.
The author is biased and irresponsible. I got an ice cold feeling reading this book. Society and the human spirit doesn't need more of this hogwash.
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13 of 19 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on July 13, 2000
Format: Paperback
I read a few other books about this and then I read this one. This book helped me change my mind about what I was going to do. It was something thoughtless and it probably would have done a lot of damage to my self and my spouse who I don't want to lose. I'm on to some healthy stuff.
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27 of 41 people found the following review helpful By Carrie on June 4, 2000
Format: Paperback
I am currently in an affair with a much older, married man. This affair has not been easy on me...keeping secrets from my parents, hiding the truest love I've ever known from co-workers and friends, not being able to spend time with the man I love. It's not easy being the other woman and finally I've found a book that makes me feel that I am not alone. That all the effort I'm putting into this relationship may well be worth it. It doesn't make me feel guilty for being the other woman, like so much of society would. Ours is a loving, caring, passionate love affair. I couldn't ask for more. I'm glad to see that the author of this book acknowledges that affairs are not only normal, but healthy as well. A must read for any woman who is in an affair and has no one to talk to.
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13 of 26 people found the following review helpful By "rosewolf-tg" on June 26, 2000
Format: Paperback
This book is missing a lot of critical information! 'How to have a successful affair' is one chapter that I could do without. 'Be prepared for the betrayed spouse to find out'? How do you prepare for a possible nuclear blast?
You may be prusuing your own happiness through an affair at the extreme expense of others including children. Much information points to adultery as a transgenerational problem. Did your parents do it? What was that like? It's an unfortunate legacy to pass on to your children.
Sneaky underhanded behavior frought with lies such as adultery is never ok.
Let that 'secret' out so that the betrayed is given the basic human dignity to make his/her own desicions....especially when VD and AIDS can come their way.
Conducting a secret affair, and then enjoying the everyday comforts of home with the unknowing spouse, (who may be devastated by this truth), is a form of rape.
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8 of 23 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on March 11, 2000
Format: Paperback
I am reading it for the second time. I am trying to make myself say it is ok to have an affair with a married man. My ex left me 18 years ago with two babies for the other one. They did not marry but it hurt so very bad... and now am I doing the same thing. Having an affair! Affairs can help marriages and each person the book says. READ THIS BOOK IT HELPS
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