Customer Reviews

The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life

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I am a male.

I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her?
(Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).

I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.

The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples.

One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years.
My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".

I can only draw one conclusion:
If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book.
Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.

The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude.
Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.

If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.

The Good:

This book makes it very clear, in precise language, that an abusive relationship is based on anger, not on love, and that to get the most out of any romantic relationship, you must first love yourself. It also notes repeatedly that the abused cannot "fix" the abuser. Very good. Points taken.

The Bad:

This book tends to focus too much on making the abused person feel completely responsible for the situation by emphasizing the idea that it's their own perception of things that makes them unbearable.

The Ugly:

This book minimizes and simplifies the experience and effects of verbal abuse.

Having been in a few verbally abusive relationships and having also worked in women's centers, I found a lot of things about this book to be off the mark. The idea that your abuser has the RIGHT and the PRIVILAGE to abuse you, and that you should PREFER not to be abused rather than demand that you be treated with love and respect, was especially shocking to me.

I do agree that the abused have more power than they give themselves credit for, and can change the course of their lives by 1)recognizing the abuse, 2) realizing the fact that their abuser may not change, and then 3)doing something about it. But there's no reason anyone should have to feel that they should put up with this awful behavior. When your happiness and well-being (as well as that of your children!) is being destroyed, you have every reason to feel the feelings you have and to demand to be treated better.

No one has the "right" to abuse you. EVER.

This method may work in relationships where the abuser has the ability and desire to change and the abused hasn't yet been completely beaten down. But for the rest of you, I suggest Praticia Evans' books, as well as counseling and/or group therapy. You are not to blame for your abuse. And you CAN empower yourself to take control of your life.

I read this book with some trepidation because of one customer review that accuses the book of being about blaming the victim. After reading it, I believe the book is very helpful, and in no way, shape, or form is it about blaming the victim. It clearly condemns abuse and has many empathic words for those who endure it. It is strongly supportive of the variety of ways that abused partners will choose to address the abuse, leaving, staying, etc. The techniques recommended to address abuse seem excellent as a way to, as it were, immunize oneself against the destructive impact of abuse and empower its victims to take new and constructive approaches that would have been unthinkable before. It in no way implies that there is a "right" or a "privilege" to abuse. In one example in the text, an abused partner working through the issues and her response says that her partner has the "right" to abuse her. But it is clear from the context and the thrust of the book that the intended meaning is, "my partner, as a separate, free moral agent, is free to abuse me if he so chooses, even though it is wrong and destructive, and it is my job to decide how I will respond, since I can't control his choices or his behavior."

It never ceases to amaze me how often any book that encourages targets of abuse to take personal responsibility for ENDING the abuse or getting OUT of the abusive relationship is bashed by followers of Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft, and how often any person who encourages targets of abuse to take personal responsibility for ENDING the abuse or getting OUT of the abusive relationship is alluded to as being an "abuser" him or herself (read R. Hollomon's review, in which R. states: "I suspect (The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life) was written BY an abusive man. PLEASE AVOID THIS BOOK!...MUCH BETTER BOOKS exist, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond -- by Patricia Evans, and Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men -- by Lundy Bancroft."

Noticeably, both The Verbally Abusive Relationship (in particular) and Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men are gender biased books which only focus on abusive relationships in which the man is allegedly the abuser and the woman is a glorified saint! Neither book addresses women who are abusers, or mutually abusive relationships where each party shares the same sick reality at times, or the issues targets often have such as weak boundaries, love addiction, codependency, etc. which contribute to them gravitating toward/attracting/remaining with abusers, so of course anyone in denial about their own abusive attitude and behavior, or other issues similar to the above, and/or who has an anti male mentality will gobble up either of those books and discourage you from reading this one!

Tragically enough, however, if there is nothing other than consistent emphasis on blaming the abuser for all of life's woes, and endless sympathy for targets of abuse, this can result in stagnation for many such targets; they can become stuck in a place where they incessantly complain about being abused but do nothing about it, or they can even become abusive themselves supposedly in self-defense (translation: retaliation) to being abused but vehemently deny they are being abusive too. In which case, a resource such as this book by Albert Ellis actually teaches targets how to DO something about being abused (and without becoming abusive back either!).

The most effective methods in which to prevent abuse in one's life are: know how to develop a healthy self-esteem, know how to recognize the red flag warnings of abusive behavior, know how to set firm boundaries, know how to remain sufficiently independent even within a relationship, and know how to take personal responsibility for putting an end to abuse or getting yourself out of any abusive relationship. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life contains the pervasive message that one does not HAVE to be a target of abuse, and includes concrete steps one can take in order to be a target no more (a lot more effective than repeatedly yelling, "STOP IT!" per PE)! I found it so helpful I ordered a copy for a friend who claimed it was a "godsend," and threw her PE and LB books in the trash. Both of us have lived abuse-free lives for years now thanks to Ellis.

This book helped me immediately to stop obsessing over matters that I could not change and redirected me to a more positive outlook about myself. I absolutely love this book! The thing that helped me the most was a chapter in the book that told me, I was my own worst abuser by re-examining every verbally abusive event that happened to me. Once I realized I was emotionally beating myself up more than the actual event, I quit doing it.
There are so many tips in this book that helped me see in a new light and gave me ways to deal with my thoughts and reactions to verbal abuse.
I wholeheartedly would recommend this book to anyone in a verbally abusive relationship.

Abused women, do NOT read this book BEFORE therapy or before you are well on your way to recovery. This book will RETRAUMATISE you. Dr. Ellis, whilst a well-respected psychologist, misuses his authority by speaking the truth WITHOUT love. He does make some very valid points, but the book is permeated with the idea that others have the perfect right to run roughshod over anyone who can't "stop" them. Yes, we all own our emotions. Yes, we each create our own responses to how others treat us. HOWEVER, we, each and every one of us, ALSO are responsible for HOW OUR BEHAVIOR effects others. This is especially true for abusive people who brutally control others through threats, intimidation, double-bind situations and the misuse of trust inherent in intimate relationships. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, even if a notable psychologist says it is. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND LUNDY BANCROFT'S "WHY DOES HE DO THAT" INSTEAD. Mr. Bancroft actually understands what really goes on in an abusive relationship - the abuser's sense of entitlement is the real problem.

Althought some people thought this book takes away from the culpability of the abuser, it was the first book on verbal abuse that helped me understand that I had to make the ultimate choice.
You can't keep giving the abuser your empathy, feel sorry for YES, empathy NO, there comes a time when you need to take care of # 1 or end up in the looney bin!!
That is something hard to do when you have been beaten down. I finally understood that no amount of explaining, or hoping or changing on my part would EVER make a difference. You can love this person do death, it will not make a difference.That nothing AT ALL that you are doing is causing this person to treat you this way. That it basically comes down to realizing the abuser is responsible for their behavior, they are making the choice to behave that way and WILL NOT change. Wether conciously or subconciously they are being disrespectful and inconsiderate and when you express your feelings they are always trying to convince you that they are not doing anything wrong and will not take any responsability.
What are your options?
If you are ready and can understand that clearly, you will see that the ONLY option you have is to TOTALLY disengage.

I object to the "secret" or method of this book. Granted, the reader of this book will probably already be in a depressed state from abuse suffered, and the book takes the very questionable stance of blaming the victim for allowing abuse to happen. True, the victim is responsible for their own feelings, and the book gives good tips on building self-esteem enough to handle or diffuse abuse, but still, what the victim needs more than anything is empathy, understanding, and validation, not lectures which basically say "Your partner is abusing you because you don't love yourself enough" and "Your partner has the right to abuse you because you aren't doing anything to stop it". This is absolutely ludicrous! The reader then believes that they are "making" the abuser treat them like dirt, and that it's all the victim's fault, as if everyone is used to being abused by someone they love, who used to treat them like gold.

This book is an out-and-out blaming of the victim. Patricia Evan's far-superior books on the subject sum it up appropriately: abuse, and abuse only, is the real problem, even if she does make the mistake of
presenting verbal abuse as a gender issue, which it is not.

This book never comes out and tells the victim what they really need to hear: You are not the cause of this (though your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise, also the authors of this book), you did nothing to warrant being treated like this (though the authors and your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise), and that it's not you that's messing up what was once a good relationship: your abuser is (though the authors and your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise).

This book talks about how to manage your life, whether you get out of a verbally abusive relationship or not. However, I really think any book dealing with the subject should also include information on how to escape a harmful relationship. This book is excellent at identifying the problem, and giving realistic ways of dealing with yourself. But no one can survive constant crushing blows to their spirit, self-esteem, and identities forever. If one becomes aware, one must make a change.

Before reading this book, I had never realized how I was contributing to my misery. Even though I had accepted that I could not change my partner, I continued to stew over the incidents of his abuse, reliving them in my head again and again. The resulting preoccupation with my situation kept me from participating in enjoyable activities with other people.

When he becomed abusive in the future, I will clearly point out to him that I have nothing to do with his anger and that he is fully responsible for his actions. Then I will focus on something I enjoy doing.