Customer Reviews

Secret Suffering: How Women's Sexual and Pelvic Pain Affects Their Relationships (Sex, Love, and Psychology)

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When one of every five women between ages 18 and 50 in the United States have sex, it hurts, often badly. Until now, very few patients ever talked about their experience until a new IC hero, Susan Bilheimer, arrived on the scene. A chronic pelvic pain patient, Susan has been a driving force in creating this book and, partnered with Dr. Robert Echenberg, now offers hope and encouragement to the millions of women struggling with this condition.

Secret Suffering: How Women's Sexual and Pelvic Pain Affects Their Relationships has it all. Patient stories, a husbands point of view, a same sex couples experience with pelvic pain, the dilemma confronting single women with chronic pain, faith and the poignant story of two men who experience sexual pain. They talk about the difficulties working with the medical community and also the great hope promised by a new, far more accepting medical paradigm of chronic pelvic and sexual pain. The appendix offers 64 tips to relieve sexual and pelvic pain!

I can't say enough about this book. It's now at the very top of books I will be recommending to patients struggling with IC and intimacy. This will, beyond any other book I can suggest, break your isolation and show you that you are not alone and that there is hope! It's truly a must read.

One note! It's too bad that the publisher has set such a high retail price. This book can help tens of thousands of patients but I am afraid that many simply won't be able to afford it. Let's hope that they come out with a paperback soon!!

I found this book very depressing. The men in the book showed very little compassion for the women suffering from these disorders. I feel like we live in a misogynistic culture where women are expected to please men, and it's okay in our culture if that means women must suffer excruciating pain.

It is a sad commentary on a lack of empathy in men as a whole. I think there are men who would read this book and be ashamed of the behavior of the males in this book. I certainly hope so anyway.

I cannot understand why this book has gotten so many great reviews.

Yes women feel guilty, but they shouldn't feel this way for something that is not their fault. And that guilt should not lead them to feel pressure to engage in sexual activities that are extremely painful.

It's great that this book has brought this subject "out of the closet".

Now it's time to rethink the stigma that is placed on women with legitimate medical sexual pain. It's time for these disorders to receive the publicity they deserve, so that the general public can understand that not only are these disorders physical conditions, but they affect a substantial part of the female population (18 percent of women are diagnosed with vulvodynia- a condition which makes sex impossible in many cases).

A better book is "Let me Count the Ways" by Marty Klein- a book that discusses alternatives to penetrative sex, so that women and/or men who suffer from pelvic dysfunction do not have to feel guilty or pressured to engage in sexual activities that are impossible, uncomfortable, or extremely painful.

WARNING: If you are single and suffering from pelvic dysfunction, this book will only make you despair and feel more alone.

It is not a comforting book at all.

I read this book and felt horrible afterwards...

I and am so glad this book has been written. I am currently a patient of Dr. Echenberg-and it had to be divine intervention I found him.I went through so much with my pelvis-saw Dr. after Dr. and it was always the same-there's nothing wrong with you.This book has been a bridge for my family and friends to understand better what I have been going through.It's hard enough for myself tounderstand,but thanks to the book I now can relate my problems with other patients and learn more about my body and how it works.It is A must read-for the patient partner or friend.Don't miss it It's extremely informative and encompasses all areas

As I began reading Secret Suffering I found myself able to identify with each and every topic. I have been a patient for almost 28 years which I feel qualifies me to say that this book is right on target when it comes to the emotional and physical aspects of chronic pelvic pain. I admit I cried through some of the chapters but, at the same time I felt as if it was speaking to me personally saying "You're not alone" and "You have the right to be heard"! I also loved that the authors explain the differences between male and female's way of problem solving and difference between the way we think. It told me to stop assuming and to start asking my partner how he feels. A huge burden was lifted and I learn the true meaning of intimacy. Secret suffering gives the reader a look into the reality of pelvic pain which can be a bit heart wrenching but at the same time very educational. If you're living in denial, if you're feeling guilty about not being able to have spontaneous sex with your partner, if you feel your family doesn't believe you or doctor is far from compassionate I recommend that you read this book.

Gloria Prater, Patient

You may notice that most of my comments here are the same as those I wrote in response to Arielle's review... I wanted to be sure to have my own rating acknowledged as well...

While I commend this book on its short chapter on single women, the general conclusion is that many of the single women have decided not to date. I've read numerous other books that have brought this issue to light, but have also given me at least some glimmer of hope, whereas this book left me feeling like I'd be alone forever. I suggest "The Vulvodynia Survival Guide" by Howard Glazer and Gay Rodke, which includes personal accounts of women who have found understanding partners. "Secret Suffering" upset me so much that I showed it to my sex therapist, a woman prominent in her field, who said that she would not recommend this book to her single clients. She said that the lack of compassion on the part of the male partners is especially disturbing and is not representative of all of the partners of her other pelvic pain clients. In fact, although the actual pain is obviously being experienced by the woman, she encourages couples to think of the pain as a problem they share, not just a female problem.

Finally a book that lets people in on how much pelvic pain can and does affect not only the sufferer, but her or his partner...I have several chronic pelvic diseases, and have read just about every book I can find about pelvic pain; the difference is that this book is co-written by a woman who herself is a "secret sufferer"; and having a doctor co-author covers "all the bases". Another thing that is exceptional about this book is the people with the problems give first person accounts, and their partners also relate how they are affected; making this a great book to share with one's significant other. Personally for me, while I have a very supportive husband, there are times I feel alone in my suffering. This book lets you know you are not alone and there is hope out there.

I have read several books on this subject and this is by far my favorite. As someone that suffers with some of these conditions it was so validating the read the experiences of those with similiar tales and also to read that I am not the only one that has been treated horribly by many in the medical community. This book not only addresses all the physical components of these disorders but the social and emotional aspects. I love the chapter for single women especially as that is what I must deal with. In this sex obsessed society it is very hard not to be jaded and cynical regarding relationships with the opposite sex when you are afflicted with pain at the heart of the matter. Ms. Billheimer and Dr. Echenberg have done such a great service to all of us out here that are suffering in silence with sexuual pain disorders!

I have suffered from chronic pelvic pain for almost 30 years. Even though my family is aware of my health problems, until I read this book, "Secret Suffering", by Dr. Echenberg & Susan Bilheimer, I felt like I was going through this all alone. This book encompasses underlying causes for pain, & treatments that are available, but most important to my healing experience- it gave me faith that there are doctors out there who do believe & want to help us,... & the overwhelming feeling of relief that can only come from sharing experiences of those who suffer like me. If you or someone you know has this type of medical problem, educate yourself, seek treatment, don't give up- & READ THIS BOOK. It MIGHT NOT make the pain go away.... but it WILL make you feel better :-)

I have been a patient of Dr.Echenberg's for years and just want to say that if it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be now. I had so much pain I was in the hospital & ER 3 times. He did everything he could for me. The bladder installations he gave me saved my life, Or I would be in so much pain if it wasn't for his treatments. If you are reading this Doc Thank you for my life back. I am back to my singing and recording that I love so much. My family thanks you, God thanks you.........Lynn Marie M.

For anyone who has to live with chronic pelvic pain, you should have this book. I am a patient of Dr. E. and he has helped me alot. The pain was very bad for me. Dr E. and his techniques have helped me to be pretty much pain free. It took time and alot of patients but it is well worth it. We are all sexual beings and sex is a big part of any relationship. Susan and Dr. E. are to be praised for bring this topic to light. Both men and women have this issue and our medical community is at a loss as to how to treat it. I saw many doctors over many years and were told it was all in my head, there was nothing physicaly wrong. Dr. E. and his staff have helped me alot. From day one he listened to me, no other has done this and had answers. For the first time, I did not feel like alone. Susan brings this topic out into the open for people to read and discuss. Cheers to Susan and Dr. E!