Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother [Paperback]

Jana Wolff (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 1999

While books about adoption proliferate, none of them addresses the subject of open and interracial adoption like Jana Wolff's personal and frank account does in [i]Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother[/i]. Often irreverent, always insightful, surprisingly funny and stunningly honest, [i]Secret Thoughts[/i] tells it like it is: How it feels for a woman to look nothing like her child and to know the woman who does. This fiercely honest and funny book answers questions no one dares to ask: What if I don't like the child I get? Will she want the baby back? If this is the happiest day of my life, why am I so sad? Am I too white for a kid this black? Chapter titles include: "The Myth of Bliss," Friendly Racism," "Meeting Your Child's Mother," and "Adopted Poop Doesn't Smell Any Different."

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

About three years ago, the author and her husband, both Jewish, adopted a male baby at birth. Their child, whom they named Ari, was the birth son of two 18-year-olds, a Mexican-American mother and an African American father. In this candid memoir, Wolff relates her mixed feelings about bringing up a child from a different cultural background. Although she deeply loves her son, she is concerned that a biracial adoption may have made his future life harder. She also discusses her fears--groundless, it turns out--that Martie, the birth mother, would return to claim her child. Although the author's frankness is disarming and she has bravely made the decision to maintain contact with Martie and to allow her to visit Ari, she makes sometimes harsh or patronizing judgments about Martie's life choices. Wolff's commitment to her son comes across here as absolute, but she makes clear she harbors many ambivalent emotions about the adoption that will be of interest to other adoptive parents of biracial children.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"What a great book! You won't be able to put it down." Sharon Roszia calls this "An insightful, totally honest must-read." Betty Jean Lifton says: "Jana Wolff takes the myth and denial out of adoption and uncovers its real secrets." Jamie Lee Curtis says: "This is a wonderful book." Adoptive Families magazine calls it: "Truly a treasure...the book identifies with poignancy and humor the very real and complex emotions of adoption." -- Tapestry Books

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 167 pages
• Publisher: Vista Communications; 0002-Revised edition (September 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0967214319
• ISBN-13: 978-0967214313
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 0.5 x 5.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (50 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #553,157 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

30 of 31 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Realistic, fair portrayal of emotions during an adoption July 17, 2000

By A Customer

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This book was recommended by my home study agency. Before ordering I read the prior reviews and was somewhat concerned the book might be too angry or negative to have any message for me. I am writing to reassure those who might have similar concerns.

Note first, the book is dedicated to the authors mother and the adopted child's birth mother. Second, the author is sharing an open adoption, largely of her choice and entirely of her effort. The adoptive couple hope to provide the child, as he matures, an opportunity to know his biological family. Third, while the author admits (as those of who have tried and failed to conceive must), she doesn't understand how the birthmother can separate herself from her child, she also acknowledges the character and strength it must take to perform that unselfish act.

Anger? Frustration? Yes, there are those emotions. Kept in a 'secret thought' context, fair emotions. Those of us who find ourselves in stable marriages, educationally, and financially independent but infertile, relying on a social worker and a birthmother for a 'stamp of approval', can not help but feel anger at the irony of the situation.

There are a few 'bad' words, (I believe I noted 4), but far fewer than you hear daily if you live and work in soceity.

Far more important is the illustration the author provides of the roller coaster of self doubt and emotion adoptive parents experience. It is reassuring to know 'you are not the first to tread those waters'. Also, her experience with racism is invaluable to those of us who have adopted/will adopt children of a different race.

I do recommend the book.

24 of 25 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The best adoption book I've ever read January 13, 2000

By Nancy C. Lundsgaard

Format:Paperback

I loved this book in which Wolff dares to say aloud the thoughts many adoptive parents (including me) have during and after the adoption process. Her willingness to share the deep-down gut-level truths about her own experience really moved me, as did her sometimes painful honesty and her great sense of humor. I laughed and cried and laughed some more and then gave the book as a gift to everyone I thought would be interested: other adoptive parents, my daughter, friends who are birth mothers who gave up their children for adoption. Everyone I've given the book to has loved it. I only wish Ms. Wolff had written it 28 years ago when I was reading every book I could find on adoption, but not finding any that paid much attention to "secret thoughts." When people learned our family (husband, wife, two sons) was adopting, they thought we were (or should be) somehow "better" or "nobler" than other people. I knew we weren't, of course (oh, secret guilt!). This book illumines the truth that in most adoption cases,there are few heroes (no villains, either); each of us (whether birth mother or adoptive parent) brings our own mix of circumstances, needs and motives (and secret thoughts) to the process, but hopefully share one characteristic: love for our children. Thank you, Jana Wolff, for writing this brave and important book.

32 of 37 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Honest writer yet inconsiderate to Adoptive families April 1, 2005

By K. Cauble

Format:Paperback

Having a strong connection with the adoption community you'll often find me reading a good book that tackles the adoption subject from various angles. Naturally when I first heard of this book I grew curious and bought a copy. I must say that the author Jana Wolff was very honest about her feelings and made it a point to hold nothing back it seems.

Her writing is humorous and sarcastic when dealing with serious issues, which I believe, played in her favor especially when making tactless comments such as "...baby down payments" pg. 33 and "There are many more Asian babies than African-American babies being adopted by Caucasian parents; as if the yellow-white combination is somehow less interracial than the black-white one." Pg. 54

Her humor and amusing writing allowed me to continue reading the book despite these very insensitive and perhaps poorly thought out remarks. I believe what finally did it for me, what rubbed me the wrong way was when she states in her book: "Adoption is a bittersweet solution to a two-way problem. Sweet, because a baby in a need of a home finds a home in need of a baby. But bitter because it is nobody's first choice and the baby will group up one day to understand that." Pg.111

I understand the authors need to openly discus the pros and especially the cons about adoption and because of her honesty I commend her. However, it is one thing to convey your own emotions about adoption and a completely different thing to apply it to all those who have adopted.

Her book doesn't give me any indication that she talked to couples whom adopted internationally such as from an Asian country like China. To asked the reasons why they choose to adopt from this foreign place.... I'm sure many parents would have said something along the lines of "the red thread led us there, our hearts pointed us in that direction or we love the culture and the people". Instead she blindly makes the assumption that people who adopt from an Asian culture do so because of the pigmentation of a child's skin and lists no other reasons.

It is my belief that she would have benefit from talking to people such as my husband and I who have made the choice to adopt a child just as we have made the choice to have biological children. We look at it simply as another beautiful way of creating an ideal family. We are not alone in these views, there are many other people who feel the same way. Thus I find her comments that adoption is "nobody's first choice" to be ignorant and unfounded. I'm not saying she has to appeal to every opinion but if the author decided to include all people in the adoptive community she should have done her research first!

All in all I believe a majority of people who indeed had their hearts set on biological children and settled for adoption will agree with Jana Wolff throughout most of her book and perhaps find some consolation within its pages. After all the feelings of fear, anxiety, worry, depression, resentment etc are universal and in many ways justifiable. However, if you're like me and see adoption as one of many first choices, than perhaps you won't enjoy this book as much. Either way I give it 3 stars, because of her honesty, because her story is well written, because she's humorous and it has a realistic yet happy ending.

Here's to more happy endings! Read more ›

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars No Political Correctness here...just pure HONESTY July 16, 2000

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

FINALLY an author who's willing to write about adoption with honest emotions....not "politically correct" mumbo-jumbo!

Ms Wolffs refreshing approach to adoption was like a breath of fresh air after all the "Dear Birthmother" type books us adoptive parents are given to read by adoption professionals, who can't relate.

Her realistic, honest, humorous, touching story is something WE CAN ALL RELATE TO but feel guilty for thinking. FINALLY a book that looks at adoption WITHOUT the rose colored glasses.

A MUST READ for adoptive families and adoption professionals!