Customer Reviews

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

5 star:		(27)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

This book was recommended by my home study agency. Before ordering I read the prior reviews and was somewhat concerned the book might be too angry or negative to have any message for me. I am writing to reassure those who might have similar concerns.

Note first, the book is dedicated to the authors mother and the adopted child's birth mother. Second, the author is sharing an open adoption, largely of her choice and entirely of her effort. The adoptive couple hope to provide the child, as he matures, an opportunity to know his biological family. Third, while the author admits (as those of who have tried and failed to conceive must), she doesn't understand how the birthmother can separate herself from her child, she also acknowledges the character and strength it must take to perform that unselfish act.

Anger? Frustration? Yes, there are those emotions. Kept in a 'secret thought' context, fair emotions. Those of us who find ourselves in stable marriages, educationally, and financially independent but infertile, relying on a social worker and a birthmother for a 'stamp of approval', can not help but feel anger at the irony of the situation.

There are a few 'bad' words, (I believe I noted 4), but far fewer than you hear daily if you live and work in soceity.

Far more important is the illustration the author provides of the roller coaster of self doubt and emotion adoptive parents experience. It is reassuring to know 'you are not the first to tread those waters'. Also, her experience with racism is invaluable to those of us who have adopted/will adopt children of a different race.

I do recommend the book.

I loved this book in which Wolff dares to say aloud the thoughts many adoptive parents (including me) have during and after the adoption process. Her willingness to share the deep-down gut-level truths about her own experience really moved me, as did her sometimes painful honesty and her great sense of humor. I laughed and cried and laughed some more and then gave the book as a gift to everyone I thought would be interested: other adoptive parents, my daughter, friends who are birth mothers who gave up their children for adoption. Everyone I've given the book to has loved it. I only wish Ms. Wolff had written it 28 years ago when I was reading every book I could find on adoption, but not finding any that paid much attention to "secret thoughts." When people learned our family (husband, wife, two sons) was adopting, they thought we were (or should be) somehow "better" or "nobler" than other people. I knew we weren't, of course (oh, secret guilt!). This book illumines the truth that in most adoption cases,there are few heroes (no villains, either); each of us (whether birth mother or adoptive parent) brings our own mix of circumstances, needs and motives (and secret thoughts) to the process, but hopefully share one characteristic: love for our children. Thank you, Jana Wolff, for writing this brave and important book.

Having a strong connection with the adoption community you'll often find me reading a good book that tackles the adoption subject from various angles. Naturally when I first heard of this book I grew curious and bought a copy. I must say that the author Jana Wolff was very honest about her feelings and made it a point to hold nothing back it seems.

Her writing is humorous and sarcastic when dealing with serious issues, which I believe, played in her favor especially when making tactless comments such as "...baby down payments" pg. 33 and "There are many more Asian babies than African-American babies being adopted by Caucasian parents; as if the yellow-white combination is somehow less interracial than the black-white one." Pg. 54

Her humor and amusing writing allowed me to continue reading the book despite these very insensitive and perhaps poorly thought out remarks. I believe what finally did it for me, what rubbed me the wrong way was when she states in her book: "Adoption is a bittersweet solution to a two-way problem. Sweet, because a baby in a need of a home finds a home in need of a baby. But bitter because it is nobody's first choice and the baby will group up one day to understand that." Pg.111

I understand the authors need to openly discus the pros and especially the cons about adoption and because of her honesty I commend her. However, it is one thing to convey your own emotions about adoption and a completely different thing to apply it to all those who have adopted.

Her book doesn't give me any indication that she talked to couples whom adopted internationally such as from an Asian country like China. To asked the reasons why they choose to adopt from this foreign place. I'm sure many parents would have said something along the lines of "the red thread led us there, our hearts pointed us in that direction or we love the culture and the people". Instead she blindly makes the assumption that people who adopt from an Asian culture do so because of the pigmentation of a child's skin and lists no other reasons.

It is my belief that she would have benefit from talking to people such as my husband and I who have made the choice to adopt a child just as we have made the choice to have biological children. We look at it simply as another beautiful way of creating an ideal family. We are not alone in these views, there are many other people who feel the same way. Thus I find her comments that adoption is "nobody's first choice" to be ignorant and unfounded. I'm not saying she has to appeal to every opinion but if the author decided to include all people in the adoptive community she should have done her research first!

All in all I believe a majority of people who indeed had their hearts set on biological children and settled for adoption will agree with Jana Wolff throughout most of her book and perhaps find some consolation within its pages. After all the feelings of fear, anxiety, worry, depression, resentment etc are universal and in many ways justifiable. However, if you're like me and see adoption as one of many first choices, than perhaps you won't enjoy this book as much. Either way I give it 3 stars, because of her honesty, because her story is well written, because she's humorous and it has a realistic yet happy ending.

Here's to more happy endings!

FINALLY an author who's willing to write about adoption with honest emotions....not "politically correct" mumbo-jumbo!

Ms Wolffs refreshing approach to adoption was like a breath of fresh air after all the "Dear Birthmother" type books us adoptive parents are given to read by adoption professionals, who can't relate.

Her realistic, honest, humorous, touching story is something WE CAN ALL RELATE TO but feel guilty for thinking. FINALLY a book that looks at adoption WITHOUT the rose colored glasses.

A MUST READ for adoptive families and adoption professionals!

The thoughts of an adoptive mother are not so different from the thoughts of a biological one, or so I've been told. If one is truely honest about it everyone is plagued by the "what ifs". What if my child isn't healthy, what if I don't bond with my child,what if this whole thing is a mistake, what if my child is, heaven forbid, ugly! I found Jana Wolff's book enjoyable, easy to read, and a wonderful confirmation that one shouldn't be ashamed of the random thoughts and worries that zing around in one's head as you wait for the adoption process to take its course.

As a soon-to-be adoptive mother, I was really glad to find a book that describes, with sometimes painful honesty, the mixed emotions and feelings that go into the decision to adopt and the adoption process. It truly is difficult and very much a rollercoaster ride. I have to say, though, that I felt angry at times at the author's occasional use of foul language and her strongly negative attitudes toward adoption. If I were the social worker doing her homestudy, I probably would not have approved her for adoption and would have strongly recommended she seek counseling. Yes, we all have feelings of anger and resentment that we cannot produce biological children, but in my darkest days I haven't been as bitter as her book showed her to be. I hope her son doesn't ever read this book.

I am glad I read it, though. Even with my negative feelings about her attitudes, the book made me see that I'd better evaluate my own attitudes about adoption, especially in regard to birthfamilies. I think it's a book that needed to be written, although I felt it was pretty negative much of the time.

I know other reviewers have commented about the authors "bitterness, anger, selfishness" etc in her account of adoption. I was reluctant to purchase this book in large part due to those comments. However, once I read a summary on Tapestry (adoption resources) as well as in Adoptive Families Magazine, I decided it was worth the read. I'm so glad I did!

I think previous reviewers may have misunderstood the author's intentions in writing the book. The things she has written about don't represent how she felt "all the time" during or after the adoption. She wrote with honesty about the struggles she had facing those feelings and experiences. Frankly, anyone who has adopted and not felt at least one of those feelings must be in denial or being dishonest with themselves.

As a women who is adopting after infertility, and one who has spoken to MANY adoptive mothers in the same situation, I found it refreshing to know I was not alone or a bad person for having some of these thought early in the process of adopting. If anything, this book normalized the rollercoaster of emotions I (or anyone else) felt during the process.

Yes-I felt a sense of loss over not being able to conceive. Yes- I questioned "why us" during the process. Yes- I was scared of the adoption process and trusting others to determine the outcome of the parenting desires my husband and I shared. That doesn't mean I was ungrateful/selfish/bitter. If anything it made me a better parent for honestly dealing with unresolved issues during the time I was waiting for the adoption to be completed.

In my eyes, it's okay to be honest about the "ugly" feelings you may struggle with, and that is what this book has done so honestly, eloquently, and refreshingly. Don't judge others for needing or liking this book. I highly recommend this book.

FYI: For any reviewer who didn't like or respect this author's book...I suggest reading her essay titled "The First 13" in the book title A Love Like No Other. Talk about perspective, it offers her reflections on her raising her son (now that he is a teenager). Well worth the read!

I just love this book. And I've shared with numerous adoptive mothers in my community. I found their comments illuminating--their relief that FINALLY an adoption book that really tells it like it is. The author, Jana Wolff apparently goes where no other adoption writer has gone before. She addresses real issues, some uncomfortable to admit. Seeing them in writing was an act of bravery and so cathartic for the reader. I've had other readers tell me that they've read it multiple times, as it was so helpful.

I will continue to recommend this book. It's a gem!

Adoptive parents used to be told that there were no differences between parenting children by adoption and the normal tasks of parenting children by birth. Today, we know there are some very special aspects about adoptive parenting. It DOES NOT mean that there is less pleasure or satisfaction in our role, but it does mean that we need to be sensitive to our children's thoughts and feelings about having been adopted, and we need to help others understand and accept adoption as a great way to build families.

By writing a thoughtful, but humorous, book about the wide range of worries and emotions she experienced in the adoption process, Jana Wolff allows us to find commonalities and laugh at ourselves. All parents experience frustration and failure with great joy, but some of our experiences are best understood by those who have traveled a similar road. This book helps us to know we are not alone.

Ms. Wolf's attitudes toward birthparents are both condescending and rude. Even more than that, they are inflammatory. I cannot imagine how her son will feel if and when he ever reads this book. If she loves her son, she needs to respect his birthmother, simple as that.

Wolf's idea of writing the "secret thoughts" is not a bad one, but some of the thoughts should have stayed secret. Some of them are too ugly to see print.