Customer Reviews

The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

5 star:		(35)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Did Dr. Haltman spy on my wife and me? I've been married for more than five years. I'm very competent at my work (sales) but my wife makes me feel like I'm incompetent at marriage because I don't do thing like she does. He describes my situation to a tee.
I bought this book because I liked the premise: that men have different abilities than women, but can use them to make marriage better. This is a great book! It made me feel better about myself, has reinforced things I felt about my contribution to the marriage.
Better yet, when I do some of the things the author suggests, it really works, especially when it comes to dealing with conflict (Chapter is called: Expect conflict and learn to deal with it). One example, I started to focus on what she was saying, rather than on what my response to her words. It cut back on the tension when we "debate" things. I think my wife likes that I am reading hte book. (She reads this stuff more than I do usually)
When I'm done re-reading the book, I'll give it to my wife to read. Then we'll all be "on the same page".
I highly recommend this book. Can I give it more than 5 stars?

I'll start by saying I never read self-help/relationship/marriage books. I mean never. I usually can't get past the first few pages without being bored. My wife bought this book on a whim(she loves this kind of reading) and casually handed it to me and said "I know you may not be that interested but here...". She had only skimmed through it a bit.

I love this book. It has stimulated several moving conversations with my wife and as I read it I can only think "wow, this is exactly what happens to me in my marriage". It's like the author is reading my mind.

I would recommend any man(married or not) to read this and just as importantly, any woman(married or not) to read this book.

Peace

This book accomplishes several things: (1) It takes the mystery out of the language of intimacy and romance. (2) It provides guidance in positive (non-critical) language. (3) After my wife and I spent an evening discussing the eight ways I can do better, she agreed that it would indeed win her heart forever. It passed the acid test!
-- Dr. Lee Jagers, Director of Counseling Services, Dallas Theological Seminary, Dallas, Texas

Last week, Scott Haltzman gave a three hour talk to the San Diego Psychological Association, a group of clinical psychologists. I wasn't sure what to expect. He had appeared on national TV and radio, and he has a website. What I found online looked OK. At the same time, none of what I found appeared to distinguish him too clearly from anybody else who writes about successful marriages. The online advice seemed reasonable, and his credentials were striking, but I wondered if he could tell us anything new. (Many of us have training and experience in doing couples' therapy). There's so much out there that seems pretty good - Christensen and Jacobsen, Gottman, Hendrix, Schwartz, Bader, Solomon & Teagno, etc., etc. I've read quite a few books on the topic of successful marriages, and I feel like I have a decent sense of what is out there.

Fewer than 10 SDPA members showed for the continuing education talk, despite multiple announcements of this presentation. This was a bit surprising given the strength of Dr. Haltzman's credentials and his national reputation. Dr. Haltzman seemed OK with the low turnout, and used it as an opportunity to interact with his audience by asking and answering questions.

As he spoke, it quickly became obvious to me that this guy is an entertaining and dynamic speaker. Picture Bill Maher as a psychiatrist, with a genius for marriage therapy. At some point during the first hour, it hit me... This guy IS the real deal. He really IS passionate about saving marriages. He really DOES have a unique perspective that is informed by research. He integrates other experts' opinions with PLENTY of his own wisdom about marriage. Dr. Haltzman seems to exhibit a strong intuitive and analytical sense of what works in marriages. If I was married and having problems, I'd want someone like this guy to be my therapist. Dr. Haltzman's wisdom is the pearl of many years spent passionately immersed in this topic.

Others in the audience of licensed clinical psychologists had similar, very positive reactions. The anonymous reviews completed after his presentation were quite positive. Moreover, most members of the audience bought copies of his book after hearing his presentation. That was pretty unexpected! Two thumbs way up for this speaker and his book...

This review is a work in progress. I hope to write more about the actual book later. There's plenty of media and info online about this author. See, in particular, Tierney's NY Times article on this book.

Update Aug 13, 2008: OK, I remain unmarried, but I still find myself consulting this book. I find myself agreeing with the other positive reviews at this site. The author emphasizes repeatedly that this book is for married men, as opposed to men who are simply in relationships (big difference), but I still find the book to be helpful. (No, I'm not married. In fact, I recently read "The Rantings of a Single Male." There are PLENTY of married men out there who are miserable, IMHO.). I think the rather ominous chapter about couples/marriage counseling is really important. The chapters on expecting conflict and the "truth" about sex contain some surprises and some insights about managing feminine perspectives. One gets the sense that Haltzman is amused by the impossibility of it all, yet doesn't let this distract him from the true prize. The epilogue ("Celebrate Your Love") is especially especially powerful, not to be missed. A proper celebration seems to override all manner of problems with the positive sentiment that it brings. Anyway, two thumbs up, as before.

You'll learn in this book what it would take hours of therapy or marriage counseling to understand. Valuable information, practical, straight forward guy talk. I'd slip this book into any other gift you're giving the bride and groom. If any of your friends complains about a spouse, send them this book.

Written without pretension or complicated psychological jargon, Dr. Haltzman's message is clear - good relationships aren't rocket science, but they do need attention, good intentions, communication and empathy. I'd say the author's wife is a lucky woman.

Dr. Scott Haltzman has written a very informative book on strengthening marriage, with much how-to-do advice to improve relationship with one's spouse. It presents current knowledge and understanding of the unique biological and psychological perspectives that men and women bring into relationships. It is a great book of advice for people who are married but struggling to improve their relationship, people who have had failed marriages, but contemplating for having new marital relationships or are married for the second or third times. Even for people who have successful married life, the book provides fresh perspectives as well as support for their continued success in their marital relationships. Although the book is written for men insofar as the advice is directed at men to better understand their wives and improve their marital relationships, women will find the book informative as well, and increase their understanding of their husbands' behaviors and attitudes, and help them to better their own marital relationships.

Dr. Haltzman should be commended for writing a book that tells not only why marriages break down, but also how to fix or improve upon it, and prevent marriages from breaking down. The website he founded, [...], is a very useful site for support and exchange of information and insights on marital relationships. Participants can contribute their own ideas and thoughts, discuss issues on perspectives of marriage and relationships, and gain understanding from online information exchange. Dr. Haltzman has liberally quoted many of the participants' thoughts and ideas in his book, making his book a product of collaborative wisdom.

Mohiuddin Ahmed, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

"MEN ARE SUCH JERKS!" How many times have you heard that, sometimes even from other men? Scott Haltzman doesn't think we're all jerks. In an unusually wise and frequently funny book, he urges us to use the skills that make us successful in work and sports to become, in effect, world-class husbands who, in return for our efforts, have a much improved chance of being appreciated, maybe even cherished, by our wives.

I'm in the marriage education field and (full disclosure) know Scott Haltzman personally. Since around 70% of divorces are now being initiated by disaffected wives with their husbands frequently not knowing what hit them, this book is an extremely effective antidote to male obliviousness. Any man who reads this book will know what to do to avoid being blind-sided by his wife's abrupt announcement and departure. Of course, knowing what to do is one thing; heeding the sage advice and actually doing it is quite another. A book can only do so much, but this one does a lot.

The big question is: since women buy and read most of the marriage self-help books, how will this gold mine of information get into the hands (and heads) of the legions of husbands who badly need it? It's too bad women couldn't administer the book to their husbands intravenously, but maybe as a gift.

With a 43% divorce rate for first marriages (60% for second marriages), marriage is clearly a beleagured institution. By working the male side of the street, Haltzman has made a major contribution to our understanding of how we husbands can use our male competence to properly attend to the care and feeding of our precious marriage.

Secrets of Happily Married Men is a tantalizing title that's guaranteed to grab everyone's attention. But, c'mon "happily married men" -- do they really exist? Actually, yes, according to Scott Haltzman and there could be more if you follow his eight steps. This book accomplishes the monumental feat of empowering men without disempowering women. Haltzman uses research to show that men and women are indeed different - not better, not worse - just different. Once he gets that established, it's on to showing men that they have the innate tools to make their marriages work. He carefully points out how women are different and explains to men how they can use their own natural skills, many of which they use quite successfully at work. So forget marriage therapy.

This book is a great resource for men who may be feeling incompetent in their own marriages. It is written in a highly accessible style, through which Haltzman's sense of humor is readily apparent. Men will appreciate the down-to-earth, common sense approach. The excerpts from real men and women who have contributed to his website secretsofmarriedmen.com nicely illustrate the frustrations that married couples face. Haltzman will admit that there's no miracle cure, but men do have what it takes to make their own marriages succeed. Most important, not only will they make their wives happier, they'll become happier themselves in the process. This book should be on every married man's shopping list! And their wives should read it, too!

If all husbands/boyfriends read this book, the world would be a better place!! This book was a selection for our bookclub, and we had the author, Dr. Haltzman attend our book discussion. It was great!!! I recommend this book as a GREAT Father's Day gift, Graduation gift - for anyone that is every going to get married.
Required reading for men.

I think it's possible that Haltzman overstates the disadvantages of men in traditional couples therapy, and overplays the sensitivity stuff. For example, he cites the fact that males consistently tend to do better on quantitative tests and females consistently on verbal reasoning, and uses physiology and brain chemistry to back that up.

But, for instance, if you look at those particular things, it's a bit more nuanced, and sometimes varies across cultures (i.e. males actually outscore females on verbal analogies. Males do have greater spacial ability VERY consitently across cultures, but overall quantitative skills exams seem to be socially influenced, as the gender gap on mathematical achievement test varies substantially across cultures, and in some cases female representation in math and science departments does too. Given the fact that gender differences that are biological probably don't vary a great deal, but societal teachings do, seems to support the role that are social and cultural factors in gender gaps).

I also think he overstates the idea that marriage is feminized--the use of his examples in media was rather selective. In Veronica Mars, a series that gender studies scholars write articles analyzing how Veronica takes on the patriarchy, Veronica's mother leaves her because of drug problems, and she is raised by a single father.

The principles he's discussing are accurate and meaningful background, but the way it's written doesn't leave the reader with the most lucid impression possible, in my humble opinion (but then again I'm not especially knowledgeable about these topics).

One of the major underpinnings of the book is males have excelled in all of these other things, so why not relationships? Well, probably part of the reasons males have excelled is explicitly because being able to work upwards of 60 hours a week has always been relatively easy for them, and it enabled a great deal of success in all these things, but did not particularly help them with regards to their relationships with their wives. And, so, I don't know that I entirely buy that premise.

Yet, considering all else, I would highly recommend this book to married couples, because the advice in it is extremely sound. And I'd say to women who might be suspicious, I personally cringed when I heard one of the major principles was going to be treat your wife like a client (though I would still go for a business partner model, as opposed to a client one), or to get to know her in terms of who she really is not who "she says she is." Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised. Many of the ideas in the book may actually be to your liking.

However, I thought the ideas in the book were extremely important, and the advice was practical and would be very helpful to many people. Towards helping men, the advice is probably a tremendous assist. It gives them a broader picture of marriage, and a better idea of their wives' needs. Notable ideas include the significance of just being at home, how that pleases the misses and the benefits of it. Also, how it's important to confront conflict, and not to fear it, that's a less that all married people need, but especially for men. And of course, the live-or-die importance of listening.


But the thing that most impressed me is that it really gives people, but men, in particular, a very solid, coherent framework of a woman's emotional needs. So, they can understand a woman's need for love, affection, and the knowledge that she is cared about immensely, and gives them a real path to meet these needs. They are actually able to meet the emotional support and attatchment that is so crucial to a woman, and for that, this book is absolutely worthwhile.