Customer Reviews

The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less

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My husband and I have struggled for years to stay together. We have been in marraige counseling countless times, until recently I was only with him for our kids. I picked up the Secrets of Happily Married Men for my husband about a year ago. I told him about a month ago I thought that the marraige was over and that we should give up. I came home that afternoon to find him sitting in a chair reading the book. He then took it away with him on a business trip. I have known him for twenty years, and in that time I have never seen him read a book, never mind a book on marriage. I looked on line to see if there was a companion book for women and was so pleased to see that one had just been published.
These two books have changed our lives for the better. I can't believe all the years we have wasted and how easy the remedy is. We now "get it". We still argue, but its different.I understand where he is coming from now, my interpretation of what he is saying and doing is different. The books have turned it around for us.
The Secrets of Happily Married Women explains what men need and how women can supply it. It also explains what men want to give their wives and how we can graciously receive it. Every couple should read this book.
I must say there are some points that might be a bit tough for some women to read (goes against the grain of feminists). Give it a chance and see the goal is not to put you in a subservient role, but rather a role that makes your spouse feel loved by you. You will in turn feel that same love and appreciation from your spouse. It is a win, win.
I hope this book does for many other couples what it has done for my mine. I am so grateful.

As an Author, Coach, and Motivational Speaker I read alot of books about people, their motivations, and their relationships. "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" by Dr. Scott Haltzman and Teresa Foy DiGeronimo gets an A for writing with clarity and humor, an A+ for stories that engage the reader, an A+ for the valuable information provided, and an A for the "Do Less" lessons at the end of each chapter.

I took this book on vacation with me figuring that I would read snippets when I had a chance. Once I started reading I found it difficult to put it down. I'm the kind of person that treasures books and almost never writes in them. My copy of "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" is covered in underlines, stars, and circles. Each marks a passage I think is must reading for my wife so that she could understand where I'm coming from. Also marked are discussion points for us to set expectations in our relationship.

There are 7 Secrets that Dr. Haltzman wants to share with women. After a brief introduction where he explains how he came to write the book, each secret is shared in its own chapter.

Secret 1: Know Your Husband

Dr. Haltzman explains the nature, needs, and challenges that men have in relationships.

secret 2: Nurture His Needs -- and Yours

Dr. Haltzman shares a revised serenity prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the aspects of my husband's nature that I cannot change, but encouraged to direct his instincts in ways that will be mutually gratifying, and the wisdom to better understand who he really is." The "Do less" lesson at the end of this chapter is priceless.

secret 3: Fight Better

Conflict is a part of every marriage. Just because he doesn't fight the way that you do doesn't mean that he is wrong, it just means that he fights differently. Men and women physically react differently to conflict. Men are hardwired and then trained to find answers through logical analysis, women are more likely to be in touch with their immediate emotional reaction that pushes her to focus on her feelings and focused less on objective evidence. Typical areas of conflict for couples revolve around childcare, housework, money, parenting, and last, but not least sex.

secret 4: Talk Less

Happy couples recognize and accept the differences between male and female communication styles. The wives, especially, let go of the idea that he could be a better communicator if he wanted to. Certain biological differences suggest that he can't! Just because men aren't talking doesn't mean they aren't communicating. Pay much more attention to what we're doing than what we're saying and you're much more likely to see your husband telling you he loves you.

secret 5: Have Lots of Sex

For your husband, having sex makes him feel loved and makes him love you. It is a vitally important part of his marriage and for many men is the glue that makes the marriage stick. Don't expect your sex life to be like the idealized or traumatized version you see on TV. Work together to set your own mutual sexpectations and your sex life will improve.

secret 6: Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

Happily married women know the truth behind the Abraham Lincoln quote "people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." It may sound simple but when you choose happiness, your spouse is happy too.

secret 7: Heal Thyself

Put in place these 4 attributes of happy women:

1. Be surrounded by friends
2. Be physically active
3. Be involved in life
4. Be open to spirituality

An epilogue follows the 7 secrets entitled "When mom is happy, everybody's happy" to wrap up "The Secrets of Happily Married Women." I want to close with this quote from the book:

"Remember that your husband is hardwired and socialized to please you, and that you have the power to make him a better, nicer, more selfless, more giving man. As you know his nature, and start to work with, rather than against it, notice how your husband has become more respectful of you and is more likely to honor the differences between you. See how he begins to show an appreciation of your womanly perceptions, charms, and insights. See how all these positive consequences solidify your place at your husband's side."

I highly recommend "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" to improve your marriage today!

Kevin Decker, Marriage Coach and host of The Inside Romance Success show.

(Disclaimer: I know Dr. Haltzman as we trained together at Yale in the 1980's.) Although I have a personal relationship with the author I feel that I can give a particular insight into his form of therapy and advice for marriage. Over the years I have discussed Scott's work with him many times. My questions were not lobs but rather serious commentary on his project. What I've culled from these discussions is what, I think, is the great value of his current book (directed at women) and his last one for men.
Much of current therapy is married (no pun here) to one of a few approaches. Some are deeply theory bound; for example, your family upbringing is the root of everything. Others are either overly sentimental (reframing your experiences as terrible traumas that have left you wounded) or indulgent (you give too much and now it is your time!). I am stereotyping of course. Some of these therapies can be very helpful but they can also lock you into a belief system that gets you nowhere.
The value of Scott's work is that he started out with a very practical question: how do good marriages work. He began to see many couples, delved into the current research (ad nauseum some of us may have thought) and stayed doggedly focused on pragmatics. "Why do these people have a good marriage and these others don't?" was the point of years of feverish activity. He even started a website to hear what anyone who is married, happily or otherwise, had to say on the topic.
The results of this work are the twin books "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" and now "The Secrets of Happily Married Women." In them Scott remains intellectual, humorous and above all practical in his advice. Scott's formula is one worth paying attention to in all aspects of self-improvement: know who you are, go with your strengths and work on your weaknesses. I practice psychopharmacology but see many people in marital distress. My strong advice to my patients is to do the marital therapy before or concurrent with individual therapy as once the damage reaches a critical point of resentment there is no turning back. The twin "Secrets" books are important tool that couples now have to save and improve their marriages.
Mark D. Rego, M.D.
Lecturer is Psychiatry,
Yale University School of Medicine

"The Secrets of Happily Married Women" is a book about how to meet your husband's needs. This in turn creates a happier marriage and therefore a more content wife. To have a better marriage Scott Haltzman believes you have to make your husband happier. He also gives advice on how to divide up household jobs and explains why you should reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. Some of the secrets he unveils include why men find it difficult to say "I Love You," and why men tend to show emotions through actions. Scott Haltzman also thinks it is unrealistic to expect couples never to argue so he presents "six tips for fighting better." There are also simple things you can implement immediately, like telling a man why you are angry (instead of making him guess) or making it a habit to remind your husband of important days. This prevents frustration and disappointment. Expecting a man to be a mind reader is also discouraged. In general this book will help you understand your husband on a deeper level. If you are happy when your husband is satisfied and content then this might be the book for you. If you are looking for more books on marriage I can recommend:

Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language

How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

Who's Pushing Your Buttons?

The Love Dare

~The Rebecca Review

I've got to tell you that when I tried communicating with my husband by speaking less, as Dr. Haltzman suggests, I was heard better. I discovered that whatever need I have to go on and on about whatever it is I'm sharing with my husband isn't nearly as necessary to my happiness as knowing I have been heard.

Whatever the subject is that I want to share about, I get right to the point, keep it succinct, and he hears me! Our dialogues are more rich and full ~ it's great! Then, with the other parts of what I want to share, I share those later. Either in the same conversation or at a different time, I get around to it...again, succinctly, and I get heard very, very well.

Of course, if it's something very significant and important, my husband is right there with me, listening to every word no matter how much I need to share! But, you know, when I want to share an exchange I had with somebody that wasn't all that important, but I want to add on layers of my observations, perceptions, all the different things it made me feel, what part of my history the exchange took me back to, etc., I can get so caught up in my sharing that I'm no longer present with him and, therefore, disconnected.

Speaking less and being heard more...it's good stuff.

Scott Haltzman has written an easy-to-read, easy-to-understand guide to changing our own behavior to help improve our relationships. My husband read the book for men and attended one of Scott's workshops for men. He found both to be entertaining and useful and has implemented several of the strategies. I loved the book for women - it takes complex material and translates it into strategies and coping skills that can have an immediate impact on couples. As a marriage educator, I welcome Scott's work as a wonderful step for couples looking to help their relationships.

What a great book! I was sold after reading the title. Even though I know marriage takes work, I'm always for finding out how to work smarter, not harder. "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" was an easy, informative and sometimes controversial read. As the author of "Help! I'm a Newlywed...What Do I Do Now" and a wife, I love reading about marriage and taking in different points of view. This book is one of my favorites because it's filled with straight-forward, simplistic advice that really makes sense. Even the chapter titles are right on point -- Talk Less, Have Lots of Sex, Take Charge of Your Own Happiness -- and my personal favorite, the Epilogue: When Mamma's Happy, Everybody's Happy.

The authors do an excellent job in showing the differences between how men and women think; and how to use that knowledge to improve your relationship. If you're striving for a happy marriage, this book is a must read!

Excellent Book! This book is so full of insights into the world of women and marriage. Written well, with humor and intelligence. Recommend to women and couples.

This is a wonderful, encouraging book about how to have a deeper, stronger relationship with your husband. With the divorce rate higher than ever, Dr. Scott offers great advice about what it takes to beat the odds. I recommend this book to wives who want to find more satisfaction in their marriage. Thank you, Dr. Scott, for writing this book! I know it will make a difference in my marriage!
Jenna D. Barry, author of "A Wife's Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband's Loyalty Without Killing His Parents"

Dr. Haltzman has provided a great guide for the other side in a relationship that is quite helpful to all who read it.