The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again-and Stay There [Hardcover]

Mark Goulston M.D. (Author), Philip Goldberg (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 25, 2001

From the bestselling authors of Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, a unique approach to rediscovering the joys of commitment.

Chemistry. Respect. Enjoyment. Acceptance. Trust. Empathy. These are the six pillars that form the foundation of every committed relationship. In this engaging new book, therapist and relationship coach Mark Goulston identifies and explores these key elements with practical advice, useable insights, and compelling anecdotes. Goulston shows readers why each pillar is vital, what causes it to break down, and how to repair it to recapture what time and distraction have eroded. Most important, he demonstrates how it is possible to renew intimacy, passion, and fun and to fall in love again.

Dr. Goulston brings a fresh perspective to the age-old problem of relationships that have suffered from neglect, disappointment, or betrayal. And unlike so many books on this topic, this one has been written to make sense to men and feel right to women. It draws "Mars" and "Venus" into the same orbit, which is the only way a relationship can be revitalized. It goes beyond theory to offer practical steps to rebuild each pillar in ways that have proven successful with countless couples in Goulston's private practice and popular with thousands whom he has reached in his radio, television, and online appearances.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"In reality we don't fall out of love," writes Mark Goulston, M.D. "Rather, love falls out of us, like the floors of a building whose foundation crumbles." If you're in a relationship that has lost its magic, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship aims to rekindle your heart by teaching you a process of examining, discussing, and fixing your relationship.

The first letters of each of the six secrets make the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust, and empathy. Goulston maintains that relationship problems are caused by a breakdown in one or more of these elements, but if you strengthen the supporting structure in these overlapping areas, you can restore your passion and romance and discover "a new, mature love that surpasses in depth and intimacy all your romantic memories." Whatever the specific problems in your relationship, he says, improving these six areas will help restore your bond.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship is like couples therapy in a book. You and your partner will want to work through specific chapters together, which you'll return to often for guidance. You'll learn warning signs that your relationship is in trouble in one or more of these areas, how to communicate about it, and how to repair and renew the relationship. Goulston includes self-tests, exercises, and many anecdotes that illustrate his points. Eye-catching quotes pepper the chapters, such as, "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions," (Woody Allen) and "Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance" (Oscar Wilde).

Goulston is a board-certified psychiatrist and a well-known relationship advisor who has conducted 10,000-plus hours of couples therapy. Goulston and coauthor Philip Goldberg also wrote Get out of Your Own Way. --Joan Price

From Publishers Weekly

In an intelligent if unexciting work that benefits from Goulston's 25 years as a psychiatrist, he observes that relationship problems stem from a breakdown of any of the six essential traits he's grouped under the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust and empathy. For each trait, he offers self-evaluations and exercises that elicit open dialogue between partners working together, in either written or verbal form. Though he sprinkles the text with pithy ideas he calls "Usable Insights" (e.g., "Constantly asking your partner to tell you you're attractive is unattractive"), the heart of the book is in its fictionalized accounts of real-life cases. Many of these stories are genuinely moving, though some are too easily resolved; overall, they effectively illustrate the issues. Though Goulston apparently wants to counter John Gray's gender characterizations by declaring that men and women are not from different planets, but from earth, he still serves up some stereotypes (e.g., men who resort to type as sullen and withdrawn; women who are critical and demanding). Some of his comments about sex may raise some eyebrows (he connects the availability of Internet porn to a "masturbation epidemic among married men"). This solid effort should appeal to mature couples willing to do the work he suggests to shore up long-term marriages. (Feb.)Forecast: The lack of a gimmick or obvious sales handle will make this book harder to sell in the crowded relationship market, though that may give it some durability in the long run. A first serial to Ladies Home Journal and Goulston's syndicated column at lifescape.com will insure exposure at publication.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Putnam Adult; Water Damage edition (January 25, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0399147039
• ISBN-13: 978-0399147036
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.1 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #663,985 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Over his career as an organizational consultant, relationship counselor, and hostage-negotiation trainer, Mark Goulston has found what works, consistently, to reach all kinds of people in any type of situation.

In his latest book, "Just Listen," Dr. Goulston shares his trusted set of communication techniques and the key to their incredible effectiveness. As he explains, his methods succeed because they create traction, rather than resistance. "That is," as Dr. Goulston simply puts it, "they pull people toward me, even if those people are trying to pull away."

Dr. Goulston demonstrates through a wide range of workplace and relationship-related scenarios, mirroring what others are feeling naturally works wonders to break down their mental barriers and open the way to winning their attention, trust, cooperation, and loyalty.

Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, business consultant, executive coach, and a hostage-negotiation trainer for the FBI. A bestselling author whose books include Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, he writes a column on leadership for Fast Company as well as a syndicated column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark," for Tribune Media Services. Frequently called upon to share his expertise with the media, he has been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, and Reuters; has offered commentary on NPR, CNN, and Fox News; and has appeared on the Oprah and Today shows. He lives in Los Angeles, California.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

16 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars WE STOPPED GOING TO MARITAL THERAPY AND USED THIS BOOK, November 6, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Mass Market Paperback)

We've saved thousands of dollars in marital therapy by using this book. The most amazing thing about it is to follow Goulston's suggestion to take the quizzes at the beginning of each section on how to CREATE love (Chemistry, Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust, Empathy) and more importantly to then answer them the way you think your partner would answer them. Then exchange what you have written down and marvel at how little you really understand each other and then start to heal when you correct the misunderstandings. It's absolutely magical. Even men will get into it because you get the sense Goulston's a guy's guy, but is so without offending women. Run to buy this one!

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Uncommonly Real and Riveting, February 16, 2001

By 

Tony J. Trupiano (Dearborn Heights, MI USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again-and Stay There (Hardcover)

Dr.Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg have recaptured the magic of their first book, "Get Out of Your Own Way." The tone and "voice" of " Secrets" presents in aclear and honest manner real life ways to begin to heal and rebuild a wanted relationship.

The scene is set in each chapter with questions designed to force you to not only look in, but look from the inside out. If there was ever a text that so deserves to be read by every intimate couple, this is it.

The examples and testimonials bring the advice to life, and the advice is well thought out and obviously honest and workable. Unlike so many booksthat try to reframe our way of thinking about our relationships, "6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship" assist you in working with what is already there and perhaps not understood well enough by the reader to move forward. The intimacy of reading and responding to advice is one of the many joys of reading. Surely having a book like this brings us much closer to our own solutions, and more importantly, closer to the one we love.

Read this book with the knowing that the words, advice, stories, and solutions work. Read it as well with hope and faith. There is something here to help anyone who needs it.

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, October 10, 2008

By 

K. Jadon - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Mass Market Paperback)

From: www.BasilAndSpice.com
Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!

Book Review: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again and Stay There (Perigree, 2001) by Mark Goulston, MD with Philip Goldberg

A Classic Feature

Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He has also written Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, and PTSD for Dummies.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship has received praise from John Gray, Ph.D. and Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. The book is based on more than 10,000 hours of couples therapy and has been developed into six secrets for keeping your relationship together:

1. Keep the chemistry burning.
2. Treat your partner with respect--and earn his or her respect.
3. Don't stop thinking about enjoyment.
4. Give one another acceptance despite your flaws.
5. Deserve each other's trust.
6. Always keep in touch with empathy.

"The structure of an intimate relationship rests on six pillars, which are the core of each of the six secrets."

1. C--chemistry (Sex; Romance; Discusses the painful secrets some individuals keep; Tells why we need to feel physically connected. Answers why chemistry waxes, then wanes--explains how to bring this important element back into the relationship.)
2. R--respect (This is where affairs sometimes begin. Warning signs of disrespect highlighted. Tells how to respect yourself and your partner.)
3. E--enjoyment (There is a need for laughter. Defines how baggage hinders enjoyment.)
4. A--acceptance (Teaches how to avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling--leading predictors in the failure of couples. Elucidates upon what to do if you can't quite accept your partner. Also teaches how to find acceptance.)
5. T--trust (Implies faith and confidence and is required for emotional intimacy. Details how to restore trust.)
6. E--empathy (Attempt to view the situation from your partner's point of view. Learn how to move from debate and animosity to dialogue and understanding. Empathy heals wounds.)

Dr. Goulston writes that breakdowns in a relationship occur when an element of the pillars is shaky--they need regular reinforcement. Stress on the pillars is a result of marriage, child-rearing, financial problems, long-term bond of two single people, or even work. The author believes that you shouldn't feel like a victim, instead take the initiative to create the "love you deserve."

By reading The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, you should learn how to have:

* Renewed involvement with each other
* Revived enthusiasm four your relationship
* A stronger sense of partnership and commitment
* An atmosphere of healing
* A greater capacity to solve problems effectively
* Deepened intimacy and tenderness
* Enhanced mutual understanding
* Freedom from guilt and blame
* A more durable bond
* A reawakening of love

Using a no-blame, no-fault, no-nonsense approach and couples therapy stories as examples, this book is well written for couples to read and act upon together. Dr. Goulston also includes throughout blocks of Usable Insight and questionnaires as evaluation tools. The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship is a classic which should be read by all couples, especially those who are in a shaky, rocky, or separating marriage and by those who are preparing to enter one. If your relationship is in trouble, find out why. Mark Goulston's 6 Secrets is Usable Insight into the reasons problems begin and will help you overcome existing marital difficulties and even point you to further help if necessary. And, if you're happily married, you, like myself, can gain a better understanding of your spouse and marriage.

5 Stars