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The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity Paperback – April 23, 2013

4.5 out of 5 stars 33 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews


Rebuilding trust after an affair is not easy and requires a special kind of support and clear guidance. Scott Haltzman can show you the way. Taking the time to read this book will change your life.

(John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus)

This isn’t just a supremely helpful book on understanding―and recovering from―infidelity. It’s a great book on marriage. The honest, warmhearted, and wise insight Scott Haltzman provides here can bring you hope and much more―a path forward. This is the book you are looking for right now.

(Scott Stanley, Ph.D., author of The Power of Commitment)

Anyone who has, or is in the profession of helping those who have, or who just wants to know everything about, affairs will benefit from reading this book, and should read it. It is the most comprehensive book on the topic I have seen. I highly recommend it.

(Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples)

This book provides a wonderfully comprehensive look at all aspects of affairs, including both sophisticated concepts and down-to-earth practical action steps. It is ‘must reading’ for anyone who wants to survive affairs―or just to improve their marriage.

(Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth)

Scott Haltzman has done it again―given us a wise, compassionate, and practical guide to the perils and joys of married life. Here he takes on the most shameful and agonizing experience people go through in relationships in a book that helps both the person cheated on and the person who had the affair. Anyone who has gone through this turbulent experience should read it.

(William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor and director, Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage)

Scott Haltzman gets down to what’s needed: the nitty-gritty details of how to define infidelity, how to end it, and how to recover. The book is so good that it’s also a great how-to-avoid-it manual that all married folks should read long before infidelity is even on the horizon.

(Diane Sollee, M.S.W., founder and director, SmartMarriages.com)

In this digital age, more and more couples are finding out where their boundaries are―once they have been crossed. Whether it’s friending an old flame on Facebook, sexting someone on Twitter, or flirting online through Skype, many spouses and partners are blindsided and forced to deal with an emotional, online, or real-time affair. Thankfully, The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is here. It’s a step-by-step survival guide to help your relationship deal with, survive, and overcome the pain of infidelity. If there is ‘one last thing’ you’re willing to do to try to save your relationship from an affair, it should be to read this book!

(K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky, coauthors of Facebook and Your Marriage)

With the infidelity epidemic, every couple needs a survival guide and Scott Haltzman is just the professional to provide it! This common crisis can literally make or break a marriage. Most of those who go on to better relationships do so with expert help. This book is a ‘must’ for the modern marriage.

(Patricia Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth about Love)

For anyone who has felt the pain of infidelity, this compassionate and encouraging book is definitely for you. Based on years of clinical experience and research, Scott Haltzman’s step-by- step plan will help you recognize, understand, and then take control of your relationship and your life. One thing is clear―whether you’ve had an affair or are contemplating one, or you’ve had a partner who strayed―the knowledge you’ll gain from reading this book is invaluable.

(Terri Orbuch Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Finding Love Again: Six Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship)

As a pro-marriage therapist who works with couples dealing with affairs on a regular basis, I am so pleased to have Scott Haltzman’s book available. Couples going through this situation are overwhelmed, confused, and often feel like they are drowning. He has done a wonderful job of explaining in an easy-to-comprehend way all the different types of affairs as well as tools to deal with them. This volume is a wonderful roadmap to assist couples navigating their way back to trust and connection. It’s also a great addition to complement therapists doing this type of work.

(Karen H. Sherman, Ph.D., author of Mindfulness and The Art of Choice: Transform Your Life)

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is a very important contribution to this topic. Scott Haltzman is a respected psychiatrist and marriage therapist who has a practical approach to healing from affairs. His book takes a clear stance about avoiding affairs.

(Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., author of Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages)

Scott Haltzman’s excellent book blends clinical and true-to-life descriptions of the who, what and why of infidelity with profound and personal counsel indispensable for healing the wounds of betrayal. The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is more than a superb book―it will become your own personal, dynamic counselor navigating you through the pain and confusion of infidelity.

(John Van Epp, Ph.D., author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk)

While keyed specifically to meet the needs of couples coping with the shock and pain of an affair, this vital guide from marriage and infidelity expert Haltzman... contains cogent advice for anyone in a troubled relationship.

(Publishers Weekly)

Because Haltzman draws on his own experience providing couples counseling, as well as academic research studies, the guidance he offers is credible and convincing.

(Maria Siano Foreword Reviews)

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is well written and easy to read. Furthermore, given its subject matter, it will appeal to a broad audience. Although the discussion of neurotransmitter and neurobiology may seem foreign to some, the vast majority of the book will connect with people, especially those who have been touched by infidelity.

(Chammie Austin PsycCRITIQUES)


Scott Haltzman has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time... View marriage as your most important task, Haltzman urges men, and pursue success as you would anything else that matters.

(Washington Post)

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 312 pages
  • Publisher: Johns Hopkins University Press (April 23, 2013)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1421409429
  • ISBN-13: 978-1421409429
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (33 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #111,437 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Scott Haltzman, M.D., is board certified in Psychiatry and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is a graduate of Brown University class of 1982, and received his medical degree from the Brown Medical School in 1985. He completed his psychiatric training and chief residency at Yale University, and then moved back to Rhode Island with his wife and children. He served as a Clinical Assistant Professor at Brown University for twenty years, before moving to Naples, Florida, where he is currently practicing psychiatry at the David Lawrence Center.

Dr. Haltzman has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and committed relationships. He has appeared on the Today Show, 20/20, Good Morning America, and in TIME Magazine, Glamour, Redbook, Parent's Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and local and national radio, TV and print.

Scott Haltzman, M.D., is the founder and editor of www.DrScott.com and www.365Reasons.com and author of "The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity," "The Secrets of Happily Married Men," "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" and "The Secrets of Happy Families." He co-authored the chapter, "Men, Marriage and Divorce" in the American Psychiatric Press book: "Men and Mental Health." He is an internationally recognized speaker, presenting at the Annual Marriage Education conferences and at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association.

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
I read through this as a person whose marriage not only survived infidelity but was transformed into something better than we ever could have imagined. Frankly, I don't think this book, on its own, would have been capable of getting my husband and I here by itself. Maybe for some people, an affair is something you happen to fall into -- whoops! -- and then hope to keep a secret. In our case, it was the culmination of many years of unhappiness, and my husband wanted a divorce. This book doesn't even begin to touch on what we had to go through to heal and re-envision our marriage, but it's a good starting point for people who just get hit. It provides some very useful insights into the devastation of betrayal, and what is required to help move beyond it, but it doesn't really address the deep, core issues that get people into the situation in the first place. For that kind of depth I can most highly recommend "The Science of Trust," by John Gottman. There is nothing else than compares to it that I have ever seen, anywhere. I did find some interesting insights, and validation of some of my feelings of what I needed to heal from The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, and I appreciate the author's tone and good vibes. It's a very useful book, and along with deep and authentic personal spiritual work, can set a couple back on course if both partners share the same intention.
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Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
If infidelity is might be the major reason for couples seeking therapy if not also for seeking a divorce. Given its common occurrence, one might have thought that there would be a greater professional literature on the subject. From my admittedly non-exhaustive review of the field, the publications are relatively sparse. More common are "Dear Abby" types of books with well meaning, but not always well-stated advice. What I mean by this last statement is that an affair is not always a symptom of a problem in the marriage, which is what advice givers most usually remark. Sometimes, as this book notes, it happens to be that one person meets someone else that fascinates them. It happens unless you live in the woods or you are confined to your home without others around you. Professionally speaking, I think those couples who believe that they married the "one and only person in world for them" are the ones most likely to be traumatized by an affair or even the temptation of one.

Scott Haltzman tries to bridge the gap between professional and popular literature. At nearly 300 pages, he provides tidbits of information in the Dear Abby style, but he succeeds in providing evidence garnered from his professional experience and the few research studies on the subject.

Haltzman is correct in noting the biological issues involved with infidelity and I like that he doesn't allow the biology to excuse morality of the act. How one enters a relationship with the expectations of oneself and of the partner will matter the most in whether an outside interest will become harmful to the relationship. The writer makes a correct case that an affair need not destroy a marriage.
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Format: Paperback
Thoroughly enjoyed reading the pre-press of this "infidelity field guide". It provides wonderful perspectives on the issues and dynamics around cheating, with real, actionable content that runs the gamut from the day of reveal to the decision to stay and heal or go. You'll also benefit from a number of thought provoking exercises - all presented in a down-to-earth, highly engaging, and truly authentic style. If you're like myself, you'll be researching high and low working to understand why! This is one well-done tool to add to your arsenal of understanding and will help you move forward after one of the biggest emotional blows life can dish out.
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Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is written by an MD who has a background in psychology and is obviously a member of a paternal spirituality since there is an underlying theme of ownership and possessiveness within marriage (and within relationships) as well as an underlying theme that people must set aside their feelings and try to control others before changing themselves. Much of the book discusses how to make the other person change to keep the marriage or relationship intact.

The problem here is the book looks GREAT on the surface, but no two people are alike. No two relationships are alike. No two marriages are alike. What works great for one couple will prove disastrous for another couple. If this book were to be read, and put into practice, by someone of a domineering, controlling, manipulative type, I am concerned what the outcome would be for the partner.

What the book is missing is looking at ONESELF as to why there is an emotional and/or physical detachment then working with the partner to resolve ones OWN issues to improve the relationship. If emotional or physical infidelity is of a concern in your relationship, my recommendation is to read this book, but keep an open mind that the points brought up are NOT for everyone, then seek out other information on improving yourself, before expecting changes in your partner.

Bottom line is, the secret to a solid happy relationship is to keep open or reopen the full lines of honest and heartfelt communication while being understanding and accepting of differences of opinions and beliefs. If the relationship is truly meant to be, then each partner will be happy and content ONLY when the other partner is happy and content. No relationship is truly stable nor healthy when either partner is controlling and inflexible, not understanding nor accepting the physical, mental or spiritual needs of one another.
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