Customer Reviews

Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back

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This book forces you to see how you think negatively about yourself and how that is deeply affecting our lives. You can call it anxiety, inferiority, insecurity, or low self-esteem, it's really one big thing in our mind saying "I am not good enough and people won't accept me unless I am better." But we misunderstand what "better" means. It's not getting an "A" in school or getting a promotion at work or being Mr. Right or being smart enough to make fun of others. It's your own attitude! And if you don't understand that it turns into a vicious negative cycle that you can't stop. But it has to stop and the only person that can stop it is you yourself! Thanks to this book, I figured this out and I finally feel like I am on a road to recovery rather than a road to hell on earth. Another book that really explains this so well is called the "Ever-transcending spirit" by Toru Sato. It is one of the best books on life and human nature that I have ever read. If you read it you will know what I mean. But this book by Cudney was what started this. It is sooooo helpful!

What is your life like? Is it a relentless procession of empty days, an endless cycle of meaningless, frustrating work and unrelaxing sleep? Do you repeat the same pattern of joyless days and empty nights ad nauseam? Do you bounce out of bed eager to face another exciting day filled with opportunities for enjoyment, human contact and personal growth? Has the memory of the irrepressible you faded into dust? Has your life become an arduous and repetitive ordeal? Do you keep hurting yourself, and does this recognition keep haunting you, day and night? Are you acting on misguided choices, doing and saying things that virtually guarantee dissatisfaction and unhapppiness? If you answered "Yes" (or even "Maybe") to any of those questions, have I got good news for you! The best book I have seen that specifically addresses how we can reclaim our mental, emotional and spiritual power from the traps we ourselves have built and continue to nourish is "Self-Defeating Behaviors" by Cudney and Hardy. On second reading, it is a truly phenomenal work. I have already purchased and distributed over two dozen copies. It provides a dynamic model of the way we construct, defend and nurture our self-defeating behaviors, while we simultaneously minimize the real pain heaped upon us and the people around us, and abdicate responsibility for the whole thing! We are each of us presented with a continuous stream of new moments of life, in which we exercise choices. Each of these choices can lead either to a self-defeating behavior or to a behavior that affirms and honors life. At certain times, we "learn" (i.e. we make an invalid association) that we can avoid work/pain/criticism or other fear by choosing a certain escapist behaviors or thoughts. This choice, expressed through various internal and external techniques, results in various prices that we must pay. In order to continue avoiding our fears, we proceed to minimize the prices (by saying, for example, "It's not all that bad; I can stand the discomfort"), and finally, to disown the choice we made ("It's not MY fault; it was my parents/teachers/bullies/social conditions/the government/ghosts/the voices/..."). That cycle, from our choices of developing internal and external techniques to avoid some (mythical) fear(s), and then refusing to pay the price, results in a full-blown self-defeating cycle, which feeds on itself, getting worse and worse, engulfing more and more areas of our lives. Even when new techniques are learned (such as NLP!!) which appear to offer the promise of positive growth, they quickly and effortlessly become swallowed up in the seething vortex of self-defeating behaviors, making it even bigger than ever! This black hole effect can easily escalate from disappointment to depression, food/alcohol/drug abuse, violence, murder and ultimately, suicide. Unless we recognize and terminate this vicious cycle, ALL of our other efforts can lead to naught, mired in our old habits of thought and action.

From John Howard Prin, author of STOLEN HOURS: Breaking Free From Secret Addictions, Syren Books 2004

This book made a major difference in my life. We all have many kinds of relationships and roles to play in life, and one of those relationships lasts the longest -- from cradle to grave. That's the relationship I have with myself. In my case, that means John Prin's relationship with John Prin. I can be my worst enemy or my best friend. What the authors showed me was that it is my choice. I choose how I relate to me, whether I acknowledge it or not.

The main theme? When unhealthy choices are made, we choose self-defeating behaviors that separate us from our core attitudes, beliefs, feelings and values. When healthy choices are made, we choose "life-enhancing behaviors" that fit or strengthen our core being. Over time, depending on the mix of choices, our lives are either headed for breakdowns or breakthroughs. Thanks to the wisdom and clarity in this book, along with the easy-to-understand charts and diagrams, breakthroughs in my life are happening on a scale I never dreamed possible.

The pace is methodical but not plodding. Every sentence and paragraph makes sense as you read it. The authors strive to help readers to define and to behave in ways that serve their own best interests, and to create better selves from the inside out -- as I have learned to do and described in my book STOLEN HOURS. For anyone who has dealt with puzzling failures or intense negative emotions, including addictions and crippling moods, the information and encouragement in this book are a godsend.

This book IS different. I came across it when investigating a completely different thing from the computer field: data mining. And, well, this book is not so far from that. It is just like gold.

Most people have problems, of one sort or another. Life is never so easy. Many people try the typical self-help books and believe that they found a way out. Only to discover later that things have not changed a lot, apart from the good feelings that these self-help books gave to them (probably the only major benefit and the reason why many are best-sellers!). Yet the problem endures and these people will suffer from it further.

These books will tell you that you should need to overcome your problems and get to the magical solution (repeated over and over again in about every self-help book): check your values, decide what you want, from what you want make a list of achievable and measurable goals, and make an action plan on how to achieve each of these goals. Some books will add a little variation and tell you that you should not forget to set your priorities right in your action plan or that you should examine your values well. And that's about it. Your problems will be solved and you will be successful like the author(s).

"The fear of a certain consequence leads to behavior that virtually assures the consequence. This is the way in which self-defeating behaviors are born and nourished." "At each moment of life, an individual faces a choice between a road that ends in self-defeat and one that brings him or her closer to a breakthrough. We realize that this statement may seem dramatic, but we stand by it nonetheless."

If you have not noted it by now, the language and style of this book is different from the great majority of self-help books. Precise, clear and concise language describes a behavioral problem affecting millions of people and shows how this problem can be solved. Unfortunately solutions to most problems are too often hard to find. To understand yourself, your family, or your friends in trouble, you would better understand this book first.

The theory developed and applied by the authors may be wrong or not completely accurate. But if it is just about right, then you may be just a little more than satisfied:

"It is extremely unlikely for the results of a single self-defeating behavior or life-enhancing behavior to be alarming, exhilarating, or even noticeable. But a series of life-enhancing behaviors will, over time, lead to the sort of breakthrough that comes when our minds, bodies, attitudes and actions are integrated into the wholeness that is the source of our creativity, insight, usefulness, and contentment. On the other hand, a series of choices in favor of self-defeating behaviors will, if left unchecked, bring on physical illness, nervous collapse - and, in extreme cases, even death."

if you have ever emotionally fought yourself ( or are doing it now), in your heart you feel wrong but you stubbornly won't quit, get this book. I know what it's like to just feel like some puppet being thrown around by the tides of the outside world when you used to be in complete control and sure of yourself. This is the only book I've seen on this particular subject, and it's a great one. It shows you what you've done,what you're doing, and what you can do to stop yourself in your tracks and think about the big picture. This is a book that should be manditory text for psychologists everywhere. I also believe that SDB's are ultimately stemmed from the INFERIORITY COMPLEX, and after your done with this book should read up on this strangely obscure subject . which to quote Oliver Brachfeld's highly recommended book " Inferiority feelings in the individual and the group ", " It is interesting to note how little study has been made in the past of this complex, which is so fundamental an element in our psychological make-up. "

I've yet to finish reading it (procrastination is one of my bad behaviors :) but about 3/4 through I can't say enough about this book. Too many books give you fluff, whereas this is a good blend of real life illustrative stories from their patients, along with what I really wanted... practical how-to steps along with a thorough description of how & why we learn and practice the behaviors we so abhor in ourselves. I already knew I was "choosing" my bad behaviors, but hadn't found anything that described why I was making such bad choices, and how to stop. This is none of that self hypnosis mumbo jumbo, but real suggestions on how to identify what you are doing and why, and then to catch yourself, and methodically replace bad behaviors with good ones.

I have read this book twice in the past two weeks and must share that this is the BEST book if you really want to change;the most comprehensive explanation as to how... to read this book is to truly understand SD behaviors.. Loved it and am recommending it to my husband....Start enjoying your life today!!!!!!

The first half of the book is all you need to read inorder to figure out your self-defeating behaviors to come to light and systematically changing them so you can make the right choices to be happy, purposeful, and meaningful in all aspects of your life. The second half of the book felt like it was repeating the first half. overall a great eye opener on human behaviors and why we constantly limit ourselves with the wrong choices to be in the "in crowd" and not listening to our inner self. I have definitely gained a measure of power in making the right choices. i do recommend reading it at least a couple of times to fully understand the principles.

Self-Defeating Behaviors reads as a college psychology text. Although the end of the book offers a methodical process to analyze and change your behaviors, too much of the book is devoted to the clinical study of our behaviors. I would have benefited from the book had it included more case studies and client experiences and less scientific explication.

This is a great book if you want a thorough analysis as to why people develop and perpetuate self-defeating behaviors. However, as far as correcting these behaviors, I did not find this book to be specific enough. To correct these behaviors, the authors say to rectify faulty conclusions (which was very helpful) and then come up with a replacement technique (which was not specific enough.) I feel like purchasing a book about your own specific self-defeating behavior would be better for finding a replacement technique because this book discusses self-defeating behaviors generally. For example, for a behavior like procrastination, no real ideas were given as to what could be an effective replacement technique. You can't replace procrastination with another replacement "activity" because the whole point is to get back to studying. (ie: for a compulsive shopper, instead of going shopping, the example was that she spent quality time with her kids.) Though this book has its flaws depending on what your self defeating behavior is, it is definitely an informative read.